My May Newsletter is all about choices we make to allow God to redeem your messy and or miserable situations. Use the little pop up form to sign up and read more. I learn as I write and I am learning as I go.
His offer is redemption. Our choices are our own. This month rather than focus on one certain story, I happened upon five and each story of a Jesus encounter came with a chance to make a choice. …
This morning I cleaned out my “Saves” on Facebook, stuff I thought I may read later, there were over 50 various things I considered useful at the time.
Same old same, healing from trauma, posts about family, even more expert recommendations to grow my blog, have my voice heard, write the book, don’t give up…
I deleted almost all. I have to be honest, I am on writerly advice overload.
At the bottom was a note, the Facebook kind, I suppose my idea of blogging before I blogged and it was called 30 Randoms…things I’ve learned since mama died.
It is a list compiled 10 years ago come November.
Much of it is the same.
I suppose the ache began when someone said change your profile pic to your mom’s, one of those FB things that make you either go along or rebel.
I rebelled in a kind of pitiful, mulling over pondering way, my way.
I don’t have a photo I haven’t shared before and the one I have is dated and it doesn’t portray the mama I want to portray.
Grief changes its hold on you over time.
I miss my mama, see the cardinals all the time that say she is near.
I’m afraid though it’s simply not enough. Well meaning people will say oh she sees you, she’s looking down and you stand silent like a big dumb block not replying to their little kind words or something to say remedy.
I believe my mama is in heaven; but, I do not fully understand what it’s like for her there.
Possibly her spirit still lingers near me, possibly it’s my memory and longing for her involvement that manufactures this comfort and assurance for me.
Here we are over 10 years and there’s so much she should know.
Updated here are 30 randoms I’m offering up as prayers to heaven in hopes that someone else up there runs out to find you and you sit together and you laugh and cry happy heavenly tears over what is going on, how we’re doing without you and daddy down here:
1. The grandchildren are something else altogether and individually, they are just enough you to be stubborn and outspoken and often irreverently rebellious in being themselves!
2. We are all still married to the ones you saw us with before you passed away.
3. Baby Brown is due any moment of a very soon day. This will mean three great grands. Our home has a baby room.
4. Your grandsons are strong, just enough cockiness of your daddy cushioned by the gentle handsome ways of our daddy.
5. I left my job that was destroying my health. I am an artist. I get “pissy” and I’m sure have a certain look when someone says a painting is “cute”.
6. I am a writer. I will be going by “grandma” just like you and I will be helping my daughter with her baby, just like you.
7. I am less afraid but still prefer to stay hidden.
8. I left the church that made me feel I’d never be enough.
9. I sit every morning with my Bible, a pencil and a memorandum book.
10. When I’m sad or angry or anxious, I clean the whole house, rearrange stuff.
11. People call me an open book. I reply with only certain stories.
12. I reunited with Melanie and revisited the times I fell apart and she helped you and daddy hold me together.
13. I regret going home the night you passed away.
14. I understand you probably wanted it this way.
15. I love Jesus the way you lived it, love everyone the best you can, not more than you should to those who love themselves so much they don’t need yours.
16. Be kind to your husband, as he ages you become everything to him.
17. Love a dog, this love will sustain you.
18. Love food, not its control over you.
19. Delicious things are only delicious if savored not embellished or used to satiate empty bottomless places.
20. Accept God’s grace.
21. Being pitiful is not pretty or permitted.
22. Wear more red. Paint your toenails red, learn to wear a hat.
23. Don’t stress.
24. Stress will kill you. (I’ve told you before, Lisa Anne).
25. I’m going by Lisa Anne now mama, occasionally “LT”.
26. I sold three paintings last week and I gave one expensive one away.
27. One painting found a new home, it was inspired by your high school photo and I called it “Heaven Meets Earth”.
28. Today, I will believe there are better days ahead, I’ll not long as much to have you here to have your hand touch mine, to see your face when you see ours.
29. Today, I’ve decided I’ll ask again and if you’re listening, maybe you can soften the way. For Mother’s Day, I want a dog.
Yes, how fitting, how perfect, how precious it will be. A puppy or a rescue, a new home with me to represent and honor you. Yes, I’ve decided, I’ll ask again.
Don’t you think it’s time, Greg? Time for us to get a dog? If not now he might say soon and I’ll let it go, trust it’s just not a good time.
30. Better now, I’m better. Grief is a mystery and an unexplainable thing. Words from others who don’t truly know are better left unsaid.
There’s really no right response other than remembering.
When Mother’s Day is without a mom, a mother, an outspoken and gone too soon mama!
The greatest gift is to allow all of the remembering you can stand!
P.S. I joined the Artist Guild and there’s an exhibit tonight I don’t think I’ll be attending. One, possibly two of my pieces will be displayed. Some artists will have ribbons on their works. I’m not going because I still don’t care for spotlights or attention.
Remember the time you and daddy drove four hours because a piece I created was chosen for a blue ribbon?
I remember it well and the years that followed dulled my shine and the gift of your being there.
So, if I didn’t say so then, thank you for telling me back then that it was possible,
I could become an artist according to you!
I finally believe you.
Happy Mother’s Day. I feel you near, do not fully understand it, I do believe you have become an angel.
Lisa Anne
A friend is praying that God would give me memory.
I’ve lost something I haven’t needed in years and I cannot find it, my college diploma.
Yesterday, my pregnant daughter asked if I remembered a certain pain and I didn’t, so I blamed it on one thing I did remember harshly…when it was actually another, my lack of memory,
Then told her it’s true what they say.
You don’t remember the pain once your baby is here.
I’m wondering if my friend’s prayers are stirring my memories as a whole, of all sorts of things.
I woke with first thought, prayer.
God, help me to know you more.
There are disjointed possibilities in my life, a new one popped up yesterday. I gotta circle back around, finish multiple things, my mind and plans chaotic over stuff begun and not finished
My thoughts are all over the place.
I make the coffee, open the door for fresh air and I remember.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
James 1:5 ESV
An elderly couple lived below us, my younger brother and me. We were not quiet apartment dwellers. We were single and in our 20’s. We frequented “River Street” in Savannah and found our way back home safely, how?
God only knows.
I watched them on Sundays, they’d come and go clutching Bibles, holding hands.
I avoided them in my comings and goings until one day in the stairwell, I came face to face with the husband, a sharply dressed gentleman.
I asked, “How can I know God’s will?”
He answered simply, “Know God.”
That was two decades ago and his answer left me hanging, left me lacking not longing. I wanted so much more than an answer so broad.
I desired a quick list or an easy plan.
I wanted it “one and done” for me, quickly fix me, God, I know you can!
Perfection, I yearned for, had no understanding of grace, God’s patience, His allowance of progression.
How in the world could we imagine God’s will as only quick when, after all, He has us and the whole world in His hands? He orders our seconds, minutes, hours and days. Their unfolding, He knows.
I understand the simplicity yet mystery now.
His pursuit of me is graceful and grace-filled.
There’s no end road to knowing God’s will.
It is a beautiful unraveling, a revealing of splendor and clarity and abundance as we go.
As we go unaffected by our daze and confusion only illumined by His spirit, His dwelling within us.
How do we know God’s will? I believe we remain quietly intent in our pursuit of Him.
He knows. Just ask Him.
God is everywhere. Don’t forget to notice. me
Linking up today with others at Five Minute Friday who are writing on the prompt “Lack”. https://fiveminutefriday.com/2019/04/11/fmf-writing-prompt-link-up-lack/
She found the recipe.
“Grandma Bette’s Pound Cake” and I shared the preparations on Instagram, adding I’ve been sentimental of late.
Someone asked what that means. I said it’s just another way to say lately.
I said I love words and she said okay.
She is my daughter and she’s a better cook than me.
Better at a whole lot of things.
I don’t know what’s next for me.
I wrote today, bought art supplies and redecorated some rooms.
The cake is in the oven.
The sun is almost gone.
I worried earlier about how I’m gonna make it without my job.
Then realized I have days like today to figure it out.
Finally, perhaps live in a way that looks like “my happy way of life”.
Possibly.
Yes, possibly.
Wow.
“ …there is no God like you in all of heaven above or on the earth below.”
1 Kings 8:23 NLT
I would stand close by and wait, watch and contribute as I was told.
My mama, in her kitchen, I watched as she prepped the meat for the main meal to add a pound cake for later.
In the intervals of ingredients, she rarely gave a measure.
She’d answer with “that’s enough” or “a little more”.
Rarely did she let me add too much. She knew that wound spoil it all. The flour would be mixed with the sugar. It would be impossible to separate the two.
We would have to start over.
In all my years of helping bake cake, that was never the case.
The measure of the two ingredients was always enough to take the next step, to add in the eggs one at a time and the butter.
The cake came out right. Consistently moist with the sweet thick light brown crust.
This morning I made a list of three things I’d like to believe without interruption, three things that would never go away, be not enough.
“You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth?”
Galatians 5:7 NLT
Someone may be reading this and asking how is it that she doesn’t know these things?
I sat just now and countered each need with truth. Because see, in this world we live in the stuff that gets mixed in gets us mixed up.
Self-control is my decision. Every decision begins with a thought. God’s spirit will be my guide.
“Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.”
Ephesians 4:23 NLT
All things are possible. This truth is for me. It is God’s desire that I allow my heart, not my mind, to lead.
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.”
Psalms 37:4 NLT
God’s love is immeasurable. It is unwavering.
“No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:39 NLT
I told someone yesterday I’ve been dreaming about my mama. I told her I think it’s because my daughter’s about to have a baby. She smiled and added she thinks that’s so sweet. I told her she’d understand one day, for her I hope it’s not soon.
Longing is immeasurable. Memories are a beautiful thing. God made me to remember us in the kitchen and her famous pound cake.
And he led me to consider the comfort of having enough.
Not too much.
He led me as if my mama and He had been in intimate conversation and they both decided.
Look now, she’s about to give in. She’s about to be pitiful again. She’s about to let doubt ruin the batter, she’s leaning closely towards throwing out the good ingredients and deciding she might never bake a good cake, create a story or a painting again!
Can I tell you one thing for sure?
He knows. He knows our tendencies and stands close by saying, let’s don’t go that way again.
I’m rising now from my morning spot on a day I am calling “sick” and I will get busy with the good things God has started in me and then I’ll go and try my best to get the ingredients for my mama’s unwritten recipe.
I have a cake to bake!
Thank you Jesus and mama, for teaching me.
Continue and believe.
I’m afraid I never follow the five minute rule. Still, I appreciate the prompt, so I’m linking up with others prompted by the word “measure”.
The grass was chilled from the still cool soil and the overnight temps were on the warm edge of freezing.
Just to the left, what you don’t see, is my life changing significantly, almost too significant to perceive.
A maternity shoot, my daughter, her husband, their May baby.
I offered my jacket for her bottom and then remembered I had not driven my car.
So, from a distance.
My daughter with her firstborn inside her sat down carefully on the ground laid out in perfectly plowed and planted rows, slices of shimmer,
chilly grass.
The photographer’s mama stood with me.
I smiled as told her I wasn’t surprised.
That she’d sit down, in her pretty dress, baby in her belly, they sat without hesitation on the cool of God’s soil.
Then remembered my blonde girl running through wheat fields, cotton and corn.
I stood and I watched as she rested her hand on her baby.
At a distance, I watched, closer to my daughter than I thought possible, sweeter than ever before.
I’d love to tell you just a little about my mama, on this day, her birthday!
And then I’d love for you to make cake a part of your day!
She passed away nine years ago.
Too soon for us all.
There were more cakes to bake, more commentary to be made on the politics of the day, more acceptance to be given over her sometimes sullen, stubborn and set ways.
More big meals together with some variety of homemade cake.
It may have been my coconut or my brother’s red velvet, maybe caramel, maybe thin layered chocolate so good the sugar melted more sugar on your tongue as you allowed it to linger.
It may have been her pound of everything pound cake or it may have been the fancy cream cheese with pecans creamy carrot.
Today, I am planning to have cake!
You should too.
I give you not permission, but a virtual nudge-like nod to say yes to love, to loosening your control!
To enjoy cake alone or with someone, somehow with your mama.
To have cake and not stress over anything at all!
Stress’ll kill you, Lisa! My Mama
Happy Birthday in heaven, Mama!
Your love has brought us to who and where we are!
I celebrate you today.
Last year, I went “junkin’” and bought this little dog that looked like “Sunny” and then my friend Dana surprised me with cake!
Little did she know she’d be starting a tradition…your birthday will be remembered from now on by enjoying some sort of outrageously delicious cake!
I am officially declaring January 30th “Cake with Your Mama Day”.
If you still have your mama, go see her or call her and catch up over cake!
If your mama is in heaven like mine, sit with someone you love and let love lead your reminiscing or just your making time to be together.
Whatever you plans today, make time for cake!
Then share the love and yumminess of your day!!!
Yay for cake!
#cakewithyourmamaday
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”
Proverbs 3:5 ESV
Last night I told myself I needed to get with the times. I need to be aware of how they are truly changing.
I am now that person who is panicked over what the world will be for my children’s children.
I was not this way before.
My mindset was one of oh, it was bad a long time ago too, people have always been violent, issues have been challenging and intense. Children can adjust as long as they have the firm and loving foundation of family and God.
But, I got all worked up over something I saw on the internet about three year olds. Close to midnight and I’m wanting to research it more, prepare myself to protect my grandchild.
The thing is, influence is either worrisome or wonderful. It is unwaveringly committed and steadfast in whatever the influencer believes.
Children, I am certain, will be influenced by the ways of those closest to them and by those who make a commitment to stay close to God.
Last week in church the preacher asked “Who in your life most influenced your faith by their life?”
There are a few people for a few different reasons.
But, I cannot deny my grandma.
She was quiet and private with her Bible.
She was unwavering in her commitments and traditions for us.
She was industrious.
She was gracious.
My name is written in red in her Bible, all of the other names are there too.
A few weeks ago, my “Aunt Boo” reminded me of God’s control and of being sure He is working all for good in my waiting to know.
She reminded me of the refrigerator magnets at my grandma’s that were letters spelling out, “God is busy.”
God is busy. Doris Evelyn Peacock
I told the story to my daughter.
She smiled. She remembered and I promptly purchased a bag of plastic magnets because every single day I too need to remember.
He’s got the whole world in His hands.
God is busy making ways for us.
God is busy dispelling myths about Him, replacing them with reminders of truths about Jesus.
About His love.
God is for us, not against us and He is busy being sure we believe.
Linking up with others on the prompt of “influence” here.
My Light is His Light
The house is empty and rain has not stopped falling. I’ll be in for most of the day, maybe all day.
I’m not rushing out the door. I believe it’s okay to stay home instead.
I’m doing better this year, happy with wrapping as I go, not anxious, not nearly as anxious as the years before.
This morning, I return to the Book of Luke. I could linger long and not decide which verses I love most, which I need the most and which ones I am beginning to truly understand.
Understanding God’s word cannot be rushed. It’s a beautiful and profoundly unexpected epiphany after epiphany.
I don’t know how I ever lived without it.
Luke has me unable to share in a way this book is worthy of revealing here on this place I use to write.
I’ll hint here, hopefully compel others to read, the importance of Luke, Chapter 8.
Do you have a Bible? Find the Book of Luke there or with an app on your phone.
Luke was an intellect, a researcher, a writer who made sure of his story before he wrote it.
Advent is teaching me, this thing I’ve called my Advent Experience is teaching me, comforting me, changing me.
My Christmas gift to me, maybe.
Lessons for the Learned
At some point I must have been set on remembering the sermon.
The margin of my Bible is marked with my interpretations and revelations from a passage.
“And the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”
Luke 4:17-19 ESV
The Spirit of the Lord is on me and if you believe in His birth, His death, His resurrection, on you, too.
God has given us all opportunities to proclaim the good news to the poor.
To proclaim liberty to those without purpose, those who are trapped in the bondage of sin, shame, doubt, fear, unbelief. To remind myself and others of the gracious rescue from these places.
To those who are blind, we like Jesus are to help them see the light of the gospel, also known as “good news”.
We need reminding, all distracted at times and unable to see, our eyes covered by the blinders of this crazy world.
We are here now to tell our stories.
Our stories of why we believe, why we know we’re better believing than not.
It’s that simple. Life before Jesus was not what life with Jesus is and will be.
Why we’re tempted not to believe at times and why we know we can’t return to that road or jump from that dangerous place again, taking advantage of the grace that will catch us in our fall.
We’ve heard the Word, we read the accounts and like the crowd Luke wrote about, we are astounded by all the healing, we are now learned ones, for we have experienced salvation and healing and we continue to grow, we continue to be open to His lessons.
Jesus was born to bring us salvation.
For thirty some years he was a healer, a teacher, a speaker through parables, readable lessons.
May I never stop learning, ever progressing towards Him, to be like Jesus. May I embrace the opportunities in front of me to more purposefully tell.
Most of all, may what is said about me be more consistently true, more about Jesus than about me.
I want to leave a legacy.
“and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,”
Philippians 3:9-10 ESV
My surrender is my story.
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