This Wonderful World

aging, bravery, contentment, curiousity, Faith, grandchildren, memoir, Peace, Redemption, rest, Trust, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder

“Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭9‬:‭11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Monday Evening

I’m curious which city might be for me. A city, I mean a large metropolis with streets, sidewalks, crosswalks, vehicles scurrying.

A city with windows of shops inviting in, with quick pauses not gazes inward so that I don’t cause a domino type cascade of collision because I actually stood quietly for too long.

In the mornings, some days I drive to the country road with no line in middle chunky asphalt and a deep sharp turn into valley and hill to my grandchildren’s home.

The deer alert me from a distance with the flash of their pupils. I turn and drive slowly.

They stand unfazed by the approach of me in my vehicle.

They pause. I pause.

We consider each other.

Gradual is their demeanor.

They turn to move, one, two and a third and they go on their way into what they must know is a friendly place, a refuge for them.

No need to flee. There’s not even the threat of one.

I wonder where the city may be, the one I’d love to be a resident of.

I did not love Denver.

I loved the road to get there, the road that led us through flat spaces with flatter fields and a feeling as if the highway opened magically just for us.

I loved the expanse of plump green grass in Colorado in the Spring.

I did not love the congestion and what felt like an imbalance of progress and poverty.

I do not like Atlanta.

Don’t want to go.

I love the idea of Charleston but don’t like the air of superficial quests on every corner.

I suppose I’m growing older and becoming even more the child of bare feet dirt roads.

And even less a traveler.

Even day trips to bordering counties.

Still, sweetly and deeply planted, refusing to fade, is the yearning to travel to Italy someday.

It’s a yearning not born of anyone else’s story.

Maybe a part of me like air in my lungs decided by the God who knows me and who knows.

There are places yet for you to see. Your journey is continuing.

Your dreams are dreams I’ve always seen.

Perhaps, in Italy there are dirt roads sprinkled with docile animals and kindred people who yet to encounter me.

And I, them. Kind intersections of somehow likemindedness.

And in a language without words our eyes might tell a story we decide we understand.

Until then, I’ll venture out to the country. I’ll walk on rocky roads. I’ll tilt my face upward with a little boy and I’ll wonder, just wonder where the jets are going.

I’ll stop my car in the middle of the narrow road at sunup or sundown and I’ll let the window down, aim my phone just so.

I’ll be captivated as I capture the wonder of this wonderful world.

And I’ll quietly imagine Italy.

Or maybe the high peaks of Denver, Braves baseball and pink houses with garden gates covered in moss on the skinny streets of Charleston.

Every place holds beauty.

Beauty longing to be noticed.

Prayer As Color

Abuse Survivor, anxiety, Art, bravery, confidence, courage, creativity, curiousity, freedom, grace, grandchildren, grief, Holy Spirit, Peace, Prayer, Redemption, traumatriggers, Trust, Vulnerability, walking, wisdom, wonder

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I reached down to be sure what his little hand clutched. A tiny pebble under close inspection before he stood and let it go, flinging it with strong conviction into the wide grey sky.

We began our walk hoping to miss the rain.

We did.

The trail is new. The path is hilly but smooth, a firebreak for the wide field of brush and trees.

I had a sense I’d been trying to shake all morning, a feeling that even though all was okay, I better be ready for the day to change, for something to go the other way.

I’m writing less about my trauma, a blend of keeping quiet and of looking more closely at wounds than ever before.

Like a little boy inspecting a pebble or stick, I’ve been quietly inspecting the hurts I’ve known in a much more intentional way.

With brave curiosity and braver acceptance…stages of grief.

So, that ache of readying to be ready for something bad is familiar and not at all friendly.

We walked and held hands and watched from a distance

Until the gift of freedom and hope ignited the sweet “setting out” on his own steps of my grandson.

And the weight of worry began to lift.

And I breathed deeply.

Looked around.

Looked up.

Prayed silently.

Added music to our walk.

Reached down with curiosity to touch a mottled leaf to discover the other side, rich in the color of fresh blood, of wine, vibrant.

I slipped it in my pocket, little “H” reached for me, both arms up and I responded as we turned for home.

Sensing the comfort of God, the assurance my fears and protective patterns are not hidden, are well known

And nurtured by God in a way that no longer leads to shame.

My vulnerabilities with God are no longer perceived fodder for Him to refute my faith.

Instead, an invitation to grace and bravery

mercy extended to me by myself.

“Grandma day” mornings begin early. My quiet time is brief and blurry.

I opened my journal to jot February 28, 2024 to discover one sentence from yesterday.

“Jesus, help me to see you today.”

Knowing, suddenly He had.

He did.

The color red, the deep crimson colored leaf like aged wine had been poured for me, left in the dirt, on a long ago fallen leaf, a cup with just a sip waiting for me to drink.

I’d been asking to see color.

Yesterday, the request was different and the answer was love.

”Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.“
‭‭Jude‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Continue and believe.

You are loved.

Let The Light In

Abuse Survivor, aging, Art, confidence, contentment, creativity, curiousity, happy, hope, jubilee, memoir, painting, patience, Peace, Prayer, Redemption, Trust, waiting, wonder

Tiny tendrils, tender waxy strands

Breaking free from the thick ball of woodsy nourishment.

My hyacinth has bloomed.

Only $3.99 from Publix in a glass like one on a restaurant’s table

oil and vinegar.

I chose purple this year when I saw the sweet white bursting through the earth in my little spot.

A surprise from two years ago.

Now, the purple is vibrant.

The bulb strong and barely contained, a thick waxy color, aubergine.

The color I’d been seeking to add to the folds of a gown on a painting in progress.

A piece that once was muted grey, ivory and a hint of salmon is now bursting through in cautious but captivating color.

What’s going on, Lisa?

I suppose we shall see.

Days ago, I said a prayer that felt odd but honest.

God, help me to see colors.

Then, the scarlet cardinals came, the line of yellow daffodils against an old shed, the pillowy verdant green moss on the path and

Aubergine, also a name for eggplant is inviting me to see color as more than pretty,

As significant.

I asked to see color.

And color is surprising me with strength.

And light.

And imaginings of beautiful things.

Of unclouded days.

“The eyes of your spirit allow revelation-light to enter into your being. If your heart is unclouded, the light floods in!”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭22‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Choosing Not Chasing

Art, bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, creativity, curiousity, Faith, fear, hope, memoir, mixed media painting, Prayer, Redemption, Trust, Vulnerability, waiting, wisdom, wonder
One of Twelve

This morning, the 2024 Winter Launch of The Scouted Studio is available! The Scouted Studio

Search for me by “Search by Artist” or enjoy them all.

Beautiful art, creative and diverse artists are contributing. 

Initially, my pieces were my trademark dark background, a bold color called “Payne’s Grey”. I struggled. The deadline was looming. I didn’t have peace and I did not feel hopeful as I sat sort of worried about what to do. 

I listened to my intuition, my gut, the Holy Spirit and with many layers and small edits, the backgrounds became more pure, a soft ivory with hints of shadowy blues, a hint of a torn piece of paper from a Bible, the word “hope” in every hem…hidden. 

Hope is hidden in each of us.

Another of the Twelve

This morning, I woke questioning whether I’d made a good decision for an upcoming art event or whether I had jumped too soon, chasing worthiness. 

Four things happened.

I woke to a song’s lyrics’ “you’re not finished with me yet.”, the sunrise through the gauzy drapes, Psalm 119 in a memory telling me God is good, and another thought, “you make all things new.”

“Your extravagant kindness to me makes me want to follow your words even more! Teach me how to make good decisions, and give me revelation-light, for I believe in your commands. Before I was humbled I used to always wander astray, but now I see the wisdom of your words. Everything you do is beautiful, flowing from your goodness; teach me the power of your wonderful words!“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119‬:‭65‬-‭68‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Then I created a cyclical graph to help it stick, the process for doing new things, things that may seem too scary, too uncomfortable or “too late” for you.

How to Do New Things

I’m certain this process is not just for artists. I hope it may help you. Feel free to keep it, share it, circle back when you need a reset.

We all do.

Continue and believe.

Lightly Yielding

aging, bravery, Children, contentment, courage, curiousity, Faith, family, fear, hope, mercy, patience, Peace, Redemption, rest, Trust, Vulnerability, waiting, walking, wonder

It’s the time of year that God allows a sprinkling here and there of soft green woven “pillows”. I know there’s a name for them. I can’t remember it. I just find them so pretty. I tiptoe around them, aware of what I see as fragility.

We walked carefully over the tangled vines and fallen branches. Toddler, Henry in his little boots smaller than my hand. I let him venture barely three steps away from me then wrapped him in my arms to be sure he didn’t high tail it to the place his curiosity was calling.

I heard the water, the creek too shielded by overgrowth to see and too uncertain for us to go seeking. So, we just circled round and round, he intent on going deeper in and me, scooping him up to walk where it was more safe and clear.

He resisted yielding again and again.

The unknown and interesting was a steady call to his little investigative mind.

As if to say, I need to know, I need to see, it must be really special, this place I can’t see, these things I don’t yet know.

Yet, it was too risky for us to go, too unsafe for him to go alone.

I wonder why there’s such resistance to yielding. Why I’m so prone to striking out on my own in fits of figure it out or fix it before it’s too late.

When all that’s required, all that’s an absolute undeserved gift,

Is to yield.

This morning, I flipped to today in “Jesus Calling”, a kind and beautifully patient collection of words I’ll carry as I go, one open hand to heaven and the other secretly imagining my hand like a child’s reaching up again to the suggestion of my Savior,

“Hold my hand.”

“As you keep your focus on Me, I form you into the one I desire you to be. Your part is to yield to My creative work in you, neither resisting it nor trying to speed it up. Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Me set the pace. Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step.”

Continue and believe, lightly yielding.

You are loved.

Seen and Known

Abuse Survivor, aging, Angels, Art, bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, creativity, curiousity, Faith, grace, hope, memoir, painting, patience, Peace, Redemption, rest, Stillness, Trust, Truth, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder, writing

A couple of weeks ago, a gallery employee commented on what she loved about a painting. She gave a detailed and thoughtful expression of why and I agreed with her, that I loved the same detail in the piece, in the colors.

I thanked her for going a little bit farther than necessary. Rather than just saying, “I like that one or that piece is nice.” she articulated in a way that gave power to the painting, even peace.

I told her I believe that’s a treasure, when a person notices something and expresses in words the evidence that you have been truly “seen and known”.

That’s a true gift to me. Something that sticks.

Just telling someone the truth you’ve observed.

“Angel Girl”

Yesterday, after the most beautiful walk with the music of Andrew Peterson to add to the mellow of me, I paused in the yard. I moved the withered pansies from the statue and I noticed the weathering of the cement, the spots brown from age and the places cracked by icy days or maybe summer heat.

I put the birds together, the dove and the cardinal, thinking stoic and a little unpredictable, a story I kinda love.

A Menagerie

As January invites, there are inventories I’m taking. Quietly considering where this journey should go, art and writing, writing and art.

For the life of me, I can’t bear to let one go.

More importantly, I don’t think God is telling me so.

Instead, I feel a different pull toward a different audience. So far, really just a handful of people who relate to what I feel is courageously honest in my painting and in my essays or posts.

I created an Instagram post to determine “my ideal client”. I asked a couple of questions as a way to go forward.

What would you like to see more of ?

I added photos of each, women/angels, landscapes and abstracts?

And this:

the most valuable question

I left it all there and the algorithm based traffic and responses were a bit of a tiny ripple.

On my walk, I thought about it all. About my tendency to only go just so far in connecting because of fear of not connecting, fear of rejection.

Fear of showing up and showing up prepared and yet, not being seen.

I thought of the wisdom of my children who are keen observers (often honest).

One saying “show up confident” and the other saying “don’t be negative when you talk about your art”.

Thought of the morsels of truth they add to the big barrel of not so true, just always realities of this work, this calling to “offer hope”.

I woke with clarity this morning as the sun gave my window a welcome glow.

I slept well and there was a redemptive arc forming in the story I’ve been telling myself.

I discovered more beauty in the words of others.

Words prompted by my IG question:

“You know what keeps me coming back? Your honesty! I enjoyed our brief talk at the She Speaks conference this summer. You have a very open and transparent way that makes it easy to relate and connect with you! I enjoy seeing the artwork (all different kinds) but I’m not a passionate lover of art. As someone who is struggling to find my own way in my own areas, I can however relate to the highs and lows that you openly share! I followed then out of curiosity about the work which you spoke about, but now I follow because I’ve really enjoyed seeing the winding road that is your journey. It is interesting to see your processes. As well as where the Lord might be moving in you next.”

Other comments were just as kind. An equal mix of people who like the mix of subjects I paint.

Interesting, so very.

The landscapes were referred to as “soulscapes”.

One comment suggested whatever I paint, continue to paint from the soul of me.

A couple more commented on the honesty in my sharing of my honest thoughts stemming from times I hear from God.

So Blue

Yesterday, I saw a friend at church, a fairly new one. We connected and hugged and she paused mid-sentence.

“Your eyes are so blue.” She said sweetly.

I smiled, told her I used to believe that, adding it’s been a while since I loved the blue.

She smiled.

I painted into the hours of dusk. A piece I put to the side, entitled “The Offering” was lacking a story I noticed.

It was dull.

I changed the position and posture of the figure, had her cradle the vase more gently and on a whim, her gown went from ivory to blue.

More confident and still quiet.

Still herself despite the critics or the questions of her own.

Strangely, I’ve never given the name “Quiet Confidence” to a painting.

She may be the one.

And while he was at Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he was reclining at table, a woman came with an alabaster flask of ointment of pure nard, very costly, and she broke the flask and poured it over his head. There were some who said to themselves indignantly, “Why was the ointment wasted like that? For this ointment could have been sold for more than three hundred denarii and given to the poor.”

And they scolded her.

For you always have the poor with you, and whenever you want, you can do good for them. But you will not always have me.

She has done what she could; she has anointed my body beforehand for burial. And truly, I say to you, wherever the gospel is proclaimed in the whole world,

what she has done will be told in memory of her.”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭14‬:‭3‬-‭5‬, ‭7‬-‭9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Maybe…no, surely that’s a word for us all.

Do confidently what you can. These choices and gifts will be told in memory of you.

Be who you are, fully seen and known.

May it be so.

Continue and believe.

You are so very loved.

Angels and Change, Maybe

Angels, Art, confidence, courage, creativity, curiousity, Faith, family, grace, memoir, Redemption, writing

A grouping of small paintings of Christmas angels, a collection called “Peace on Earth” is now available through The Scouted Studio.

You can view all of the pieces and shop here:

The Scouted Studio

And now, about the possible change. I’m motivated to write with more intention. I’ve gotten a bit lazy in all things purposeful as far as writing.

I’d love to have a more thoughtful and strategic way of connecting with those who relate to my voice, my story, my content.

Writing or blogging friends…thinking of moving my writing from WordPress to Substack. Any advice or experience? Also, has anyone saved their WordPress blogposts as a document to keep or possibly use for future publishing?

I need to make a choice very soon…renew here or start new on Substack.

Comments welcome!

Wilderness Words

Abuse Survivor, Art, bravery, courage, creativity, curiousity, Faith, family, Holy Spirit, hope, painting, patience, Peace, Redemption, revival, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder, writing

“Why do you use/love weird words?” one or both of my children.

In some form or fashion, the question often came. And I’d say what was true.

“I love words. If we’ve got ‘em we need to use them.”

I have an old dictionary, 1962 Webster’s. The pages are the color of clay and smelly.

But, I love words. I just do. God woke me with the question again of why I have a pattern of making myself small, why small feels safe. A word came, do I try to “diminish” my worth? Alone and small feels safe. And yet, I am certain there’s only a tiny bit I know of all who might be influenced by my story, by my creative expression.

There’s safety in being diminished. I looked the word up in the old dictionary and it’s just what I thought, “to make less, weaken, impair”.

God led me to Exodus. The people were discontent with the bountiful provision. Most translations say they were “grumbling” and yet, the more appropriate and earlier translated word was “murmuring”.

Dancing Leaves, one of 3

Again, I go to Webster. To murmur is to “utter complaints in a low doleful sound”. And “doleful” is a sound that someone makes when they are sorrowful or in dismay.

The whole congregation of Israel was “grumbling”. In the ESV version, the word is used eight times in Chapter 16.

I’m the KJV, the word is “murmurings”.

“I have heard the murmurings of the children of Israel: speak unto them, saying, At even ye shall eat flesh, and in the morning ye shall be filled with bread; and ye shall know that I am the LORD your God.”
‭‭Exodus‬ ‭16‬:‭12‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Yesterday, I saw faces of grocery store shoppers. I saw a dullness, an apathy, a less than attentive glance to those around them. I saw “doleful” expressions.

Why does one word matter? Murmuring comes from dismay. Grumbling is well just more of a selfish grouchiness.

It matters because of the invitation to know that God sees you, hears your quiet complaint. God is provision. Your woeful or questioning wilderness is being noticed.

And just as the Lord told the Israelites even in their hopeless state…I cared for you. He is caring for me.

For you.

For the generations that are here and to come because of you.

“And Moses said, This is the thing which the LORD commandeth, Fill an omer of it to be kept for your generations; that they may see the bread wherewith I have fed you in the wilderness, when I brought you forth from the land of Egypt.”
‭‭Exodus‬ ‭16‬:‭32‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Distance and Love

Abuse Survivor, Art, birthday, bravery, courage, creativity, curiousity, Faith, family, Forgiveness, Holy Spirit, jubilee, memoir, patience, Peace, Redemption, rest, Vulnerability, wonder

I saw the man again on Monday but, yesterday I wasn’t paying attention. I neglected to glance over to find the front yard of the trailer hidden in a shady hollow place.

Overgrown it was the day I saw the pair standing so far apart they would need to raise their voices.

The grass was high like wheat and a man with a flock of blonde hair all crazy stood with his hands crossed and a positioning of his torso saying “I ain’t staying much longer.”

Facing him was another man, his head tilted to one side in a way that said sincerity.

I wondered about the relationship.

Father, step-father, mama’s friend, uncle or older brother.

I wondered who had caused the crack in relationship and who was resisting more the reconciliation of it.

I also wonder why I wonder. Why I see humans in conditions that are fragile and why God made me to want those conditions to be better.

I know God made me this way and somehow I know the intervening is not for me to accomplish, only God.

So, I pray for strangers. I just do.

And I think about them. I still pause to consider.

“What’s their story?”

I woke with thoughts about love this morning, about the importance of “for my part” demonstrating love.

Love that doesn’t put us in danger of emotional harm is just a positioning of our hearts and mind, we can stay safe in showing love when it’s hard by just deciding we want restoration for someone, we want them to know they are loved by their Creator and if they’ll allow it, by others too.

“Relationship, especially family, requires a commitment to relationship despite differences, dysfunction, and most importantly delays in the other person longing in the same way for relationship.”

I laid still in the place of very good and needed rest and questioned why these words came.

I figured it must be that I’m still curious about the family in the overgrown yard.

I saw the older man a second time. Tall and skinny, a bearded man with baggy britches and an oddly colored pipe dangling from his mouth.

He was swaying in a rhythm with a weed eater as he cleared and cleaned the high grass and weeds.

He was making the situation better.

There was contentment in his movements.

Maybe in the knowledge that he tried and is trying. So, I’ll drive past the place of these two people again next week and I’ll believe the best is being done to restore what’s been neglected or wronged.

And I’ll believe more strongly in the truth of love being demonstrated in small ways to invite change (even if we don’t get to see it).

Because, it’s not about us anyway, it’s about the one who’s messed up and in need of love believing it may be possible…

Restoration.

“God is a restorative God. He is restoring all losses.” John Eldredge, author of “Get Your Life Back”

Continue and believe.

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I discovered yesterday that 2023 marks a “Jubilee” year for me as I approach my birthday. It’s surprisingly tender, this discovery…almost too difficult to put into words. Maybe I will, maybe I’ll just rest in the discovery of a year symbolic of release and restoration.

There are no coincidences with God.

Practicing to Hear

Abuse Survivor, anxiety, bravery, Children, confidence, contentment, courage, curiousity, Faith, grandchildren, hope, memoir, patience, Peace, Redemption, rest, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭26‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Homemade Moments

I stood in the pool, one foot in shallow, the other in the slant towards deep.

An audience of one, my granddaughter putting on a performance, her very own synchronized swimming dances from the edge into the water. Again and again, with happy pirouettes, she demonstrated the newly formed lessons with commitment.

I paused in between each repetition. I noticed her noticing me as I waited with gazing eyes to sense heaven again.

To find the Holy Spirit in my backyard.

And I did. It was a minute or less.

I sought quietly and I found the breath of heaven, the sense of the Holy Spirit in my chest, the warmth of the passing for just a second breeze on my cheek.

Willing myself to a state of “distractionless”.

In the auditorium, I sort of coaxed my mind to be where I was, to not think of things to do, to wonder less about home a couple of hours away and to practice presence, to be receptive.

I repositioned myself. I set my intentions, I reset my mind from racing to attentiveness.

I wept in worship. I raised my hand, opened my heart. Not unnatural, simply unable to resist.

A woman behind me prayed in unison with the one praying. I sat when “Amen” came, my cheeks lined, rivulets.

I wiped my face and reached behind to thank her, tapped her on the leg to say “thank you”. I noticed the touch of my hand, wet and she touched my hand, received it, my gratitude.

I was away for two days, my granddaughter said two weeks. I called to ask about Saturday’s plans and quickly they were decided, I’d be going to pick her up.

Distant Thunder

We dodged the storms. I taught her to measure the distance of thunder.

We listened. She understood.

She talked on and on and I read with incessant interruptions the book she chose.

Then the storm stopped and she slept like a 14 not 4 year old girl.

I slipped out of bed for coffee and returned to read quietly, turned by mistake to the wrong date of my devotional.

“I have no home, until I am in the presence of God. This holy presence is my inward home, and until I experience it, I am a homeless wanderer, a straying sheep in a waste howling wilderness.” Anonymous 1841 “Joy & Strength”

And moved to cherish, to hold closely the reality of God’s Spirit in me. I am a seeker of solace now, of pausing long for all other things to experience God.

Storms Pass

I completed a survey of the experience, the conference “She Speaks” for women.

I added my takeaway, my thoughtful remembrance of weeping in worship (this is not my normal), of joining hands with other women and of feeling a belonging that was without typical female comparison or judgment.

I slept softly with a girl, four years old, who dreamt something only she knows.

Coffee in Bed

Thinking, I pray she continues to be receptive to what’s not earthly…for that’s where the gift is, the seeking that must be practiced.

When she was a baby we stood at the window and she gazed fixated, seeing heaven in a way I’m incapable.

It doesn’t come naturally. We must remember to long for it with intention.

The experience of the nearness of God.

Indescribable, it is.

I believe children know such a closeness.

Closeness we long to know.

Continue to seek, believing God is near.

Continue and believe.