“You perceive every movement of my heart and soul, and you understand my every thought before it even enters my mind.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:2‬ ‭TPT‬‬

On Thursday, I woke with the weight of a rock on my chest and acknowledged it by lying silently. I shifted the blanket and thought of the questionable source, the concern that I felt was my fault, realizing it was something other than me, the reason I had reason to worry.

I stayed with the revelation and accepted that it was not mine to change.

The change would come in a healing God may bring or in acceptance of the thing I named unmanageable becoming not best, but okay.

I thought of prayer, of prayer when worries are best left secret.

I read Psalm 139 again, the Passion translation, the confidence of David that God is love, that God is listening.

Because of travel, my mornings are different, only pockets of alone time, no journal, no books, just quiet finding me when it knows I need to be found.

I wrote the morning’s thoughts and shared them on Instagram. I was better then, hoped someone else was as well.

How often do you keep your feelings to yourself? Is there wisdom you have for others that might be better left unsaid?

Prayer is the place made for secrets.

God knows everything about us, our fears, our nagging worries, our catastrophic endings we write to stories based on fear’s perception.

Fear may be valid. Fear is not helpful. Fear forces one of two choices. Join in a conversation with God. Pray and tell him the secrets you keep from others that He already knows, just wants us to be open in sharing. Or let fear strangle your thoughts and hope.

Tell God where your faith is feeling shaky. He will rekindle your hope and He will increase your quiet courage.

Everyone has a secret sorrow waiting to be changed to trust and joy when brought to God in the quietness of prayer.

God knows and loves us so well.

David understood. He strayed, struggled and was deeply honest. He never stopped returning to the place he knew and was known, the presence of our sovereign God.

The morning became purposeful.

I walked a couple of blocks for our coffee and returned to a load of laundry, my clothes would be straightened and organized, this would be better.

I walked down the narrow stairs to the basement. Quietly, I passed the door of another tenant and turned to hear the washer still rumbling.

Five minutes left in the cycle according to the little green light on the old coin fed washer.

I stood facing the dryer.

I waited.

I prayed, the freely coming names and needs of others and I passed the time by passing them one by one to the ear of my Father.

Five minutes, unselfishly motivated, my attention completely turned to others who God brought up.

Thank you, God, for reminding me that you are more than enough when I feel I am incapable. Thank you for turning my thoughts to others to say to me your grace towards me is enough.

Is still enough.

The small suitcase is lying open on the floor of my son’s new home, the one he decided has “soul” and I smile now, happy that my tendency towards loving words that are fitting, is a part of him too.

My friend and counselor talked me through the airport in this big city.

She prayed for me and is praying.

I am borrowing her carry-on even though I had one already.

I am confident because of her and others and because I’ve kept my promise to my son.

There’s been no crying.

There have been photos. He’s kept his part of the promise.

Fear is such an angry emotion, so disproportionate to faith when the enemy takes over.

Fear likes to get a head start, likes to overtake you when you’re groggy, tired or lonely.

It has you siding with thoughts that destroy you, causing you to think you’re simply preparing your defense.

Fear is not pretty.

Life fully embraced is.

I’m researching trees in the quiet this morning, fascinated by the one in the park and the similar one anchoring my son’s new home.

I want to call them cedars because of what God says about those. I want them to be special, memorable, like a charm God kept secret knowing I’d be here to be captivated.

Comforted.

But, I think they may be spruce or a particular pine not known to southerners.

Either way, their beauty is peace and their standing is strength.

“He will be standing firm like a flourishing tree planted by God’s design, deeply rooted by the brooks of bliss, bearing fruit in every season of life. He is never dry, never fainting, ever blessed, ever prosperous.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭1:3‬ ‭TPT‬‬

God is everywhere. Don’t forget to notice.

Say your prayers.

Continue and believe.