bravery

A Loyal Peace

Abuse Survivor, bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, doubt, Forgiveness, freedom, grace, happy, heaven, mercy, Peace, praise, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Stillness, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

He restores my soul.

A grassy hill, a sloping field sits in front of our house. Occasionally, when it cools down with a crisp sharp change, a lone deer will stand and stare.

I imagine it sometimes more of a pretty meadow and I love to picture a flock of fat fuzzy sheep gathered together, content in their position.

I read this morning of our all-knowing God, His knowing us completely, our good things and our struggles.

I thought of Him as a shepherd and imagined one sheep who had found a solitary corner, separate from the rest.

One might think illness, pregnant with a baby lamb or some limitation causing it to stay back, to retreat.

Like a sheep all alone on purpose, I’m prone to retreat. Sometimes to rest my mind, filter out the excess. Sometimes healthy or something else.

Other times the cause is remorse, sometimes insecurity, sometimes shame, or uncertainty.

I learned long ago to find a corner and to sit with it all, wanting someone to notice or praying no one noticed at all.

Until I convinced myself to get up and carry on.

We have a shepherd who is loyal, not going to leave us behind or desire that we sulk off separate from rest.

God sees our good. He also sees our not good. Our emotions and negative names we give ourselves are just as troubling to Him as our sin, I believe.

Were we able to audibly hear Him calling our name, saying “Come here, come out from that corner!”

We’d hear him say, I imagine, “I give you safety not fear. I created you to be confident, not afraid, I will equip you to do great things, don’t be insecure. Remorse is not required of you.

You are forgiven.”

Then He might tell me a story or a few of them about others like me who got lost and were found and found again.

And if this were so, I imagine there would be an embrace and perhaps, He would say:

“Stay with me. Stay longer this time, Lisa Anne.

Everything I did and have done. It is for you, for you to follow, fully believing.

I am loyal, your loyal shepherd.

I don’t see your struggles the way you believe I do, I see them simply as not meant for you. I see you meant for more. This is why I am loyal, why I gave my life for your peace.”

But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned-every one-to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. – Isaiah 53:5-6

 

This post was prompted by the Five Minute Friday community, Kate gave us the word loyal and like most times, I’m sure I took more than five minutes to finish, still, I am linking up with others. Kate Motaung writes about the loyalty she observed while in Africa. Read here: Loyal

FF-Square-Images-Round-4-1-2

Happy Way of Life #15

bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, Faith, Peace, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Salvation, Serving, Stillness, Uncategorized, Unity, Vulnerability, wonder

There is always opportunity to choose peace in a world that gives more opportunities for stirring up over settling down, peace must become a choice.

A happy way of life, being an instrument of God’s peace.

“Lord make me an instrument of your peace

Where there is hatred let me sow love

Where there is injury, pardon

Where there is doubt, faith

Where there is despair, hope

Where there is darkness, light

And where there is sadness, joy”

Prayer of St. Francis

Everyone’s disgruntled over one thing or the other and it’s broadcast “nationwide” for us to see, lured in constantly by not missing out or being left out of some loop.

Social media, the not so subtle vehicle for gossip and inciting conflict and confusion.

So, look away I tell myself.

Look up, seek peace while it may be found, look towards the clear blue sky, an open invitation saying here, “See, there is still peace for those who seek.”

This little building held a group of people called a coalition and while I differed from them in many ways, we began the meeting the same, a benediction, an invocation.

We stumbled over what to call it considering some there are offended by prayer.

And while I was once puffed up and offended over the avoidance of the name of Jesus, the verbal listing of titles and names of all inclusive beings and people

I listened. I didn’t know the one reading intended her words to be a prayer as in my head bowed down, my hands opened in my lap, an acceptance of heaven here on earth.

I listened.

My eyes were not closed, my posture not bowed down, more open.

I listened and found a tiny place up high in the beautiful old room to fix my eyes.

I listened quietly as did the others as she read, happy to hear that our “focus” she had chosen was peace, happy to be reminded to live peacefully with others and with our Lord of peace, Jesus.

He is with us.

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all. – 2 Thessalonians 3:16

Stuff of Sorrow

bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, doubt, Faith, grace, heaven, mercy, Peace, praise, Prayer, Redemption, Serving, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, waiting

Most of my afflictions have been “momentary” and later, I understood them all or with time, accepted them. I can’t say any of my troubles could compare to Job’s and if I’m honest, nor does my unwavering trust.

My choices waver at times, not so much like altogether abandoning my faith; but, like the rich man who couldn’t imagine choosing to follow over keeping all the wealth he had.

And a ruler asked him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.

You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery, Do not murder, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother.'”

And he said, “All these I have kept from my youth.”

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”

But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich. – Luke 18:18-23

Sometimes I’m sorrowful over my sorry state of mind and lack of solid pressing forward.

When Jesus told the rich man what he needed to go beyond just being good, it was more than he wanted to hear; I believe he was looking for one more commandment, maybe a new one he could boast about his adherence.

Instead, Jesus asked him to sacrifice.

He asked him give what he treasured, asked him to give up the thing he measured his worth, his value by.

When Jesus tells me to do something or to do without something, it’s obviously not a tap on the shoulder or a verbal command.

It’s more a stirring, sometimes unpleasant and others exhilarating over what my life might be if I gave my all, gave Him my all.

When that soul stirring says “change” “surrender” “give up” or “give all” it’s a call to follow, to come and see how my life might be.

Mostly, I meander and the hard truth is I often ignore and it’s sort of secretive. Only God and me know, how I might be different were I to choose differently.

Then comes the sorrow, the sorrow we label loosely in other, more understandable ways.

Calling it humility, doubt or disappointment because we don’t want to call it what it is, disobedience.

Doubt somehow is easier on the heart, feels more allowable and forgiving like mercy or grace.

Like the Proverbs verse about the dog returning to his vomit, I’m prone to patterns I know, mostly in my thinking, thankfully.

Job chose a different path than the rich ruler. Both had a whole lot. The rich ruler lost nothing, Job everything.

Job refused to curse God. The rich ruler by his refusal to let go of all his riches, essentially did.

Both were sorrowful. Both were tested. One held fast to God, the other to His riches.

And the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil? He still holds fast his integrity, although you incited me against him to destroy him without reason.” – Job 2:3

Job lost property and children and did not blame God.

Chapter 2 has a header in my Bible that says “Satan Attacks Job’s Health”. Job’s wife watches as he breaks a pot to alleviate the pain and presence of sores, scraping desperately over the toxic wounds now covering his entire body.

She tells him he should curse God and die.

Job replies that her talk is foolish and reminds her we shouldn’t expect good from God only, that we might experience bad, we might experience evil even.

In the midst of our suffering God is still working, will we hold fast and trust Him?

I wonder how the rich ruler continued on. I’d love to know that he reconsidered his riches, that his cycle of security through wealth was somehow harshly broken.

And that when he had nothing of his own making, he believed Jesus and was made new.

This world is not our home, nor all the stuff we pile up round our rooms or anxiously work to acquire and feel we are finally enough.

But, eternity and the riches of heaven, oh my goodness, it is ours for the asking and while heaven can never be here on earth, it’s so very much closer in and around us when keep what we need, our faith and care so very little about the things that are just “the rest”.

God honored Job’s integrity, gave him and his family back all that had been taken. His days continued, they were full with so much more because he accepted what was taken, all.

And Job died, an old man, and full of days. – Job 42:17

Burst Bubble

bravery, Faith, grace, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

I had good intentions. I made a list and circled each of the 3 things I felt I should do.

I thought I might try.

One, a request that I write on “freedom”, another, the theme is education, I had and still have an idea.

A third, a lofty hope to be selected as the author of a devotion for women.

I’m not super social, I feel safest all alone.

But, I got beckoned from my bubble today, my little protected place where things are not at all perfect; but, they are good and at least, I know what is my own.

And I realized just now that I couldn’t begin to be expressive in a coherent and communicative way. It would be chore, clarity lacking, shallow sharing.

Nor should I try.

Not now.

So, I decide to back burner the writing goals, some of them commitments and to pray before sleep instead.

To pray for one who held my hand, in a final sort of goodbye way surrounded by her family.

And another not seen in a long time friend who asked me to pray just now and I replied, “I will.”

Changed by others, humbled by my trivial troubles, I will pray.

Pray for others.

I will.

Now.

Later, my list I’ll resume.

Praying for others

and me.

Prayer is the exercise of drawing on the grace of God. — Oswald Chambers

For Women

Abuse Survivor, bravery, confidence, contentment, daughters, Motherhood, Peace, praise, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

I came real close to calling her back.

Thought about it more than once, a non-writer, blogger, random probably, reader of my words.

I couldn’t remember the way she said what she said.

I told her it meant so very much and now I can’t even remember how, but

we went from work related conversation to her making mention of my instagram, my words that morning

And other mornings.

“Something about it…” she said.

“Something about your words, always, always for women”

2 days later, I’m settled here, settled and satisfied that sometimes some things I say matter for someone other than me.

Just now I’ve had a texting convo with my girl and before that a friend and before that this one who made my day when she told me I likely had no idea how much my words mean to so many women.

Like a prayer, I’m inclined to say

Amen.

Prompted by the FMF ladies…the word, WOMAN

Woman

Happy Way of Life #14

bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, grace, memoir, mercy, praise, Redemption, Stillness, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Thinking today about choosing rightly, remembering good things that have proven to be good for me.

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, – Psalm 30:11

New thing, “by and by” moments of celebrations…anniversaries.

Two months ago, I saw the good results of good food, good efforts in preparation and I’m staying close to that, close to that good health.
Deciding to learn to run and wondering now why I waited so long and why I forgot God made it possible all along…
Last night I did a new thing. I ran on a treadmill. Afraid before that I’d fall off, I feigned clumsiness as my reason. A big deal for me.
There’s really nothing like the momentous joy of doing something you decided you could not do.
Moment by moment, my feet in unison, my happy steps in rhythmic bounce.

an·ni·ver·sa·ry

/ˌanəˈvərs(ə)rē/

noun

1.the date on which an event took place in a previous year

Writing on the prompt “Anniversary”, I found no words on love or marriage or recall of loss or season or celebration marked.

I’ve not a clue what was going on last year on this day.

I’m more concerned with momentous occasions, moments of my life that show me I should continue.

I do life best lately,  “momentarily”.

img_6008Like taking a moment to prepare breakfast for my Friday morning desk, I am doing more things for my better than I have ever done before.

Just fry up some bacon, scramble some eggs, grab an avocado from the pretty bowl and then arrange it all on the scalloped edge paper plate, flimsy but fancy.

Sit with music filling the aloneness of your office and be happy, be happy in just the moment, the moment of your choosing “right healthy” food.

Remembering when you saw the church sign that kept telling you at the moment your running late car sped past, “Don’t go back to the place God delivered you from.”

The words that amounted to a moment only, but over time, so timely.

Now, the same route and the third day so far, same sort of moment; yet, different.

The church sign has changed.

“Stay close to God and you will never be the same.”

Moment by moment, every one sort of a joyous recall of choices well chosen, close as possible staying close to God.

Momentary living, my Happy Way of Life.

Surrounding myself with wisdom, wisdom like a quote push pinned to my wall, takes less than a moment to read, to remember, to believe.

I’m taking it all in, storing them up, counting them as joy rather than sorrow.

Putting them all together in a book I’d call “mercy stories”.

You can’t imagine the number of them.

img_6019

Deciding to call myself “writer and artist”, after all.

Sort of a momentous decision.

For me.

Rambling on and on I know, and way more than five minutes and not much at all about “Anniversary”.

It can be hard to follow my conversation, I know.

Sentence or comma, moment or hour, every second, I’m making ’em count now.

Maybe I’ll look back and recall though, the day I changed my ways and decided to live “momentarily”, a momentous anniversary it shall be.

I Pray

bravery, confidence, courage, Faith, grace, Prayer, rest, Stillness, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Someone requested I pray.

I answered, “I will.”

Dr. Charles Stanley

Again, the request that I pray and again, later, the same.

I suggested in a way it seemed I wished they’d stop asking me.

I told them to pray, to read the Psalms and to pray.

As if compassion had me worn and weary, as if my well was near to dry and I feared I might run out of refreshing affirmation or advice.

“Compassion is a sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress, together with the desire to alleviate it”, according to Merriam Webster.

But much like the physician healing themselves, I realized what it means, “self-compassion”, and why I need to pray.

I opened the Psalms last night and I prayed intermittently with fitful sleep.

Intentional, I prayed Psalms 143:8.

Trusting God, I would wake and begin again.

Jesus, the Savior of the world slipped away alone to pray. Like a surgeon with nimble hands or an artist without inspiration, our capacity is limited if we are not nourishing ourselves, our souls and minds.

I can’t give my best, prayers or otherwise to others if I’m not sufficiently satisfied in my own soul.

Writing, painting, talking, loving or anything really, at all.

…you want your readers’ eye-motes to go click! with recognition as they begin to understand…but, you probably won’t be able to present a character that recognizable if you do not first have self-compassion. Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

I find it awesomely profound that both Anne Lamott and Dr. Charles Stanley are instilling in me the same guiding truth, that I must be self-compassionate.

Before I can give, I must accept.

Dr. Charles Stanley

So, I’ve been praying this morning and later, I may paint and I may write.

I have a list distractions have kept me from.

I’m home, alone intentionally and my time I’ve asked to be perfectly ordered by God.

For reading, writing, learning

Praying. Because, I need to.

For others, for me.

I’ll find time and place.

And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, – Matthew 14:23

Linking up with Mary Geisen and other storytellers here: Tell His Story

August ‘63

Abuse Survivor, bravery, Children, confidence, contentment, courage, Faith, family, grace, heaven, memoir, mercy, Redemption, Stillness, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:7

The greatest thing happened yesterday, more special than anyone will understand. I saw myself surrounded by love and I am hesitant to say; but, I am thinking it may be the unlocking of so much more, the freedom to change my perspective, to alter my imaginary ideas of what I was incapable of remembering.

That’s me there. The bobbed bangs and even back then I was unable to open my eyes for the shot. That’s me surrounded by love in the August of ’63 when I turned 3.

I’ve just read two separate perspectives on love after waking up with the realization that “we should just love”.

I can’t say how sleep unearthed this necessary proclamation.

It may have been the weekend with family, the coming together of us from different places and paths that had taken us all spread out from one another are bringing us back together.

In need of the other’s love.

In need of connecting again as if we were small and couldn’t help but be gathered together cousins, sisters, uncles, aunts, and dogs.

This morning I read of how disillusioned Jesus may have been perceived to be.

How he saw others as redeemable and that was all he saw. He saw them as returners to His Father’s love and He saw them without judgment of the places their hands, hearts, and feet had been before they came or returned from wandering.

I’d like to say I love this way. That I don’t pretend that my concerns over others is not judgment, that it is only my hoping for them to be better.

I’d love to know I could love, and that my love wouldn’t be questioned.

That I’d not have ideas about others that humbled me when they were conclusion jumping wrong.

That I’d love the way family loves, bound together although disjointed by life.

That I’d love without judgment, that my love would be childlike and innocent in acceptance and mature and intentional in the reality of its necessity and giving of grace.

I’d love to love like Jesus.

I believe I shall love better, knowing, after all, I have been loved, was and am.

The little girl in the pointy hat, the stretchy string pinching our necks as we all gathered around the table with our mamas, daddies, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers and a bird dog patiently waiting for a scrap.

Children, now adults, all found our way despite stumbling, falling, faltering along the way.

One, Stephanie, not with us, missed so much more than time can attempt to measure. Others, babies then, too tiny for the table and some yet to be conceived.

When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!

We all were loved, I’m so sorry to have ever doubted.

For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. – John 1:16

Love endured, endures still.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. – 1 Corinthians 13:11-13

Lament No More

Abuse Survivor, bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, Faith, grace, happy, kindness, memoir, mercy, Peace, praise, Prayer, Redemption, Stillness, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, waiting

Yesterday I told a writer, a published author who is good, funny and honest, the thing I’d been thinking all week.

Andra Watkins is strong and unafraid and kind and I can’t wait to read her new book!

Andra Watkins

I’ve met her and read two of her books already. This one is a little different and she wrote that it had been an idea long ago, finally coming to fruition despite serious medical interruptions and detours.

I finally commented on her FB page.

I told her how seeing her accomplishment made me feel. Told her I was jealous. I told her I was happy for her. I told her I came up with a new word about my feelings. I had decided I was “jAPPY”.

She replied that she knew I would, that I would one day write a book.

I smiled.

Running last night, yes, me running, I decided to remember that I will only not write if it is not for me from God to write.

In that case, it will be okay.

I have written a whole lot already.

Yes.

I have a crazy real fear that my time will run out. Partly due to the lack of time because of my career and the mental exhaustion it causes, I have only tiny chunks to devote to writing. (This is my reality. This is not whining and not in need of encouraging or worthy comments along the lines of…if it mattered you’d make time.)

This is accepting that space and time will clear in time and if not, well, that change is no longer completely up to me.

The happening or not, I am a smaller part than I wanted to be.

Running towards something, pressing a little farther each time and committing to knowing this is my part, my new dedication, just keeping going.

I begin my day every day with the Jabez prayer. The one that is an imploring of God to make good things happen and to keep them coming, please.

Everyday, I realized today, I am praying for more when I already have so much, God has granted a multitude of what I have asked.

…and that your hand might be with me, and that you would keep me from harm so that it might not bring me pain!” And God granted what he asked. – 1 Chronicles 4:10

I’m a woman raised with very little and along the way I have been given so much, had opportunity to give from all I’ve been given.

The book I thought I might write no longer is the book I believe may come.

The prior was a lament, the future will perhaps only recall the past from which I’ve come; but, will be so much more heavy on hope.

God is moving me from all the past.

God is keeping me from my pain.

It is a necessary blessing.

My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. – Lamentations 3:20-23

The song in my ears while running reminding me that His mercy will not end.

I tapped replay.

His mercy never ends. His plan for me will not be thwarted even if I stumble and get bummed out by my past so hard to forget or agonizing my far away and unattainable to me future.

A mercy song:

As Sure As the Sun will rise and chase away the night, His mercy will not end. Ellie Holcomb

His mercy will not end.

His love for me will not be removed.

I will continue in rhythm with His timing, His mercy,

His idea for my book.

Jesus Made 13

bravery, confidence, courage, doubt, Faith, grace, mercy, Peace, praise, Prayer, Redemption, Salvation, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

I saw the suggested “thinking point”, the prompt and I thought of the chosen twelve along with the one different, Jesus, 13 an odd number, odd man out you might say.

The shaker up of things, the confronter of issues needing confronting, the consistent comforter, healer, setting himself to the side rather than on a mighty place of notice.

12, he chose to be “fishers of men”, observers of sorrow, to travel by foot, by boat, by His side.

Peter, Andrew, Matthew (Levi), John (brother of James) Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Judas, James, Thaddeus, James (the younger), Simon

12 who were the imperfect yet willing.

12 who had no idea what they were in for.

12 who were not untainted by personal flaws and failures.

12 who simply said yes.

12 maybe initially intrigued by the phenomenon of this healer, this man on a mission, this bold and powerful presence.

12 who agreed to follow and followed Him to the cross where everything changed for the 13th.

12 who saw His sacrifice for them, for us and if not changed by being with him before, knew they could surely be changed for good then.

12, occasional misfits, uncertain followers and a doubter along with a dissenter who chose death because of his disbelief.

Like us, like me.

Jesus said, come alongside me.

I will show you what God has planned.

Just follow, keep following me.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. – John 3:16-17

I’m linking up with others on the prompt of “13” for Five Minute Friday. Better than most times, I wrote freely for about 5 minutes.

http://fiveminutefriday.com/2018/07/26/fmf-link-up-thirteen/