Stepping Back In

Abuse Survivor, Art, bravery, confidence, courage, freedom, hope, memoir, Peace, Redemption, Trust, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder, writing

A ladybug landed next to my boot camp exercise mat. The heavy bar for chest lifts and the wayward yoga ball were waiting for the next series of reps.

I should’ve stayed home.

I should have skipped this class. Vague queasiness threatens as I move from crunches to cardio. I feel my neck tighten and I fear the later headache.

Slowly, then kindly to myself I say, “Breathe, breathe.” The little ladybug still sitting near as I speak kindly again, “Breathe again, slowly and intentionally. Soon you will see, the fearful feelings are fading. You will see. It is good to be here.”

Isolation never suggests we challenge ourselves.

Isolation loves the lingering in the same place, same way of being. We convince ourselves it’s the safe place, even the stoic choice more than seeing it as a settled stagnation.

We fear change.

We stay.

Early yesterday, the rain began with a whoosh of wave, heavy early as I woke, no need for my alarm for an 8:00 meeting for breakfast.

In a very gentle way, God has been telling me to be with others, to step back into life, towards even greater healing and to love others, unafraid.

It began with breakfast on Thursday and again on Friday. Later today, a third time to be with a friend among other women, lots of them.

I’m not naturally social. Still, I knew I’d been becoming way too alone.

Even for me.

It was God who told me to be with others again, to embrace what is theirs to give, to give some parts of myself in exchange.

I feel God beside me.

On my left wrist I’ve been marking a Sharpie’d cross, I sense a strong hand holding, a with-ness as I go, a never letting go.

I sense God with me as I go although I don’t know quite where I am going or how my going will change me.

I sense a rising up in my soul, to greet the greater things, leave the lesser things already learned behind.

There is more. There are greater things.

I believe.

Thank you for helping me, God, for being my helper.

Thank you, Lord.

My resistance to a life lived fully has lessened. The moving from isolation is an invitation I’m responding to, a sweet and invigorating choice.

Now, the Saturday sunshine dances on the weave of my blanket. There’s an energy uplifting.

A dance that says “join me”, it’s safe to step in.

Life’s a dance, right? At least according to Garth Brooks

Learn as you go, just please keep going.

“fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

4 thoughts on “Stepping Back In

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I am entering a similar season of waking up and getting up. A few weeks ago I sat and passed the car theory exam (after taking the course & exam twice in 2 weeks, after failing it years ago and letting it be as not for me). I have my New Zealand driving licence, but that is not valid here – so I have to go through it all again. God kept putting it on my heart to do it and then when my MIL talked about wanting to visit her brother with cancer on the other side of NL (she doesn’t have her licence) it was that push I needed. If I had my licence I could take her.

    This morning I had my first practice driving lesson (it went really well: he said I am a good driver). But I now have to wait till about April to start the ten lessons and then sit my practical exam (as I am waiting on my health assessment – for my heart & past CPTSD diagnosis, and the wait list my car instructor has). Lots of hurdles: but God just keeps reminding me who is in charge 😊. And this morning was fun. I was super nervous but the instructor was so good (he’s the brother-in-law of a friend and neighbor of ours).

    Anyways: just wanted to say your post blessed me because it affirmed what I was just thinking: that God has me coming out of my shell: seeing the possibilities, instead of complaining about all I can’t do.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think it’s learning to take God at His Word, which tells us we are already clean by the Word He has spoken to us and that as such when He calls us to do something, He will make a Way through our fears, doubts and every obstacle set in our way, growing perserverance in us through it.


      2. And then, after singing in tongues and being able to find its Hebrew meaning (so so so beautiful: I will email it to you), this song arose in my heart:

        As I sung it over myself and all beloved Prodigals coming home to Jesus.

        Liked by 1 person

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