Day 2 of 31 Days of UNimpressive writing: only from the heart: Our Given Names

Children, courage, Faith, family, Motherhood, Prayer, Teaching, Trust, Vulnerability

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There’s a story about my mama’s name, mine too.  She, Bette Jean, was supposed to have been called Elizabeth.

Mama wanted to call me Libby. Daddy said “No, that’s a can of peaches.”  My grandma, “Bama” agreed to my name being Lisa; but, insisted on the Anne that follows.

Who’s to say whether we, over time, become our names or they were just right for us all along. My mama surely was not Elizabeth-like.

Couldn’t see her as a Liz or a Beth; Bette, for sure.

And me? Libby is cute, perky, and pretty. Not me. Lisa Anne is who I am, who I have become.

Heather could have been Olivia and Austin was almost Zachary.

Teaching love

Heather Analise, a child of God

Heather, open to life and at peace near open fields and cows. Her name fits. Analise added as a middle, pretty and classic.

Austin, James Austin, again just right. James a solid and reputable name, Austin, a  nod to the dry humor and surprisingly big heart of his great-grandfather.

James Austin.a child of God

James Austin.a child of God

My children’s names, the names they have become.

I am thinking of the unthinkable today. One in college, the other a teacher leading a classroom of the youngest students.

I am trying, but struggling to place myself in the minds of the parents of students killed in Oregon.

I am wondering how, in the aftermath of terror and shock, I would feel to know that when asked, my children said they were Christians, told to stand and then shot.

I visualize not so clearly and can sort of imagine the scene.

Young adults, students, surprised by the intrusive presence of a peer with a gun, afraid; but,  deciding to go with his demands, to not cause anger, to remain quiet, not draw attention to self.

To cower. To be compliant. I imagine this might have been their thinking in effort to survive.

Until, the question

“Are you a Christian?”

My children are Christians.

I witnessed the salvation of both and I’ve seen them acknowledge in ways big, small, private and outspoken, their faith.

They know Jesus.  Jesus knows them.

People know that they know Jesus.

Children of God. A name that can’t be denied.

I am praying for the Oregon mamas and daddies, parents of children of God.

Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become  Children of God. John 1:12

Thank you, Lord, for my name and for the names of my children.

Day 1 of 31: Slow Mornings and Clarity

courage, Faith, praise, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

There will be no planning ahead in this 31 day challenge.  My words, if I remember them all,  will be thoughts that show up and make sense in an all of sudden way.

For me, for now.

This morning, I added in the final page of my latest journal its dates, 6/19-10/30.

A thick journal filled with quite alot, heavy and pretty ecru colored pages marked with dailies. I have loved this book and its time.

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I woke this morning, surprised I’d not heard the rain.

Made sense though, I slept through the normal noises of morning.

Coffee, lamplight, stack of books and me

My morning spot.

New journal in hand, the one quaintly adorned with a feather to remind, I begin my day.

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Resigned and surrendered to what may come as I read the words of Matthew, their beckoning tone of rest.   A new place for me, accepting and trusting, come what may or what will.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

I moved about lazily as I am prone to do, moving closer towards leaving my spot in the lamplight, my little morning corner.

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Quiet house,  slow and easy, my favorite way now.

Thinking of answered prayers, of prayers offered and of prayer meeting last night,

Ten or so of us, standing in hand holding circle to pray.

Each pray-er a different tone, a different grateful heart, a different sound of supplicate

I stopped then to remember more clearly as I glanced again, pausing at the prayer filled journal

A compilation of yearning, of growth, of challenge and surrender.

My mind, quiet then and more clearly causing me to wait, to let my thoughts making sense rest for a bit there.

To say:

“This morning, Lisa, here is where you are.”

” I have learned so much of myself, many things more clearly

all because

I have finally allowed God to teach me.”

Walking under Pink Sky filtered in the Gray

courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Vulnerability

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Late summer days felt long last week.  I walked late in the evening, forcing myself to move, not sure I’d be better for it.  Two days with music and Colt, the humidity still as ugly and thick as sludge.  Returning home, up the curvy hill, feeling nothing more than well that’s done for today. Heavy, exhausted and thinking about way too much, my days ended that way early last week.

Then, on Thursday I walked alone.  It was even later than before and I was embraced so sweetly, feeling change in the air, a wispy cooler breeze.  My walk, more patterned, the sound of shoe firmly hitting pavement, tap the ground with toe, raise the heel, walk on Lisa, walk on.

I walked head up, glancing one side then the other encompassed by sky, cloud and treetop; I began to let go the piles of mental junk mail, recycling the good.

The sky is changing now with the season.  The blue is more azure, the clouds more shadowy gray and foreboding and just at the right time of day, a tapestry of a sweetly, subtle pink in contrasting texture.

And so, that evening I had space enough to ponder faithfulness, of God.20150902_200624-2

How every morning last week, the geese flew over our back yard when Colt and I were out. I’d stop to listen as they approached and say to myself “Here they come. ”  not in my voice, but my mama’s.  I was taken back to the dock and the  contentment of simple expectation fulfilled, of geese flying over a pond, a simple sameness, a faithfulness.

A gift every morning. God’s, the geese and mama’s gift to me.

I thought of how these last weeks, God kept me still and quiet and waiting.

Less adamant in my jumping ahead.

I sense God now, in this time of change, guiding me.

The things that troubled, somehow have become smaller, resolved or resolving.

I topped the hill on our curvy road and looked ahead, almost evening then.  I stopped and waited, hoping to prolong the view.  This view, a faithful sky, a sunset and the promise of a flock of geese in the morning.

Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
    your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Psalm 36:5

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Because, God is faithful.

Because God believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves.

Sovereign over us…all around us.

Thank you Jennifer!

Thank you Jennifer!

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/when-god-calls-you-to-do-something-crazy-go-ahead-and-do-it-tellhisstory/

Mornings and prayers, noticing God

courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

The crepe myrtles were slow to bloom this summer.

Every morning, I’ve been slower to begin my day,  to get to work.  I pause in parked car, linger a few minutes, praying something like. “Okay, Lord this is where you’ve placed, help me to give it my all.”

And then, I’d wait a few seconds more as I gazed towards the wiry branches of crepe myrtle tree, scattered with verdant green leaves, the morning sunbeams creating pattern and contrast.

The quiet beauty of sunlight on leaf, causing me to rest, to trust.

The sameness of my days, the waiting for bloom or the turning of leafaskfriend-9_kindlephoto-3415708

My prayers becoming more of listening than speaking

Of understanding more  than fulfillment of desire

Of acceptance of the one thing left hanging or waiting to see, the thorn remaining, yet not harming.

Reminding me of need to seek, to befriend the giver of grace sufficient and abundant.

My prayers have become more of listening with patience and a calmer anticipation. Waiting prayerfully, not for fulfillment of request, but for the relationship of God’s gentle embrace.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I am trusting you.  Psalm 143:3

The crepe myrtle that canopies my spot bloomed on Thursday. I stopped to look towards the sky, grabbed hold of a branch, bending it down to pick one for my desk.  The  beauty of waiting adorned my desk, little tissue paper type petals bunched together, a delicate reminder of God’s Sovereign and graceful hand.

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Later, I walked, the habitual end to my day. Closer to sundown than usual because of a hard and unexpected phone call.

I walked and I prayed, at peace.

Then, I noticed God. A crescent moon and a pink sky.

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God is in the details and the waiting. Don’t forget to notice.

I linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee.

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/keeping-the-faith-when-life-is-hard-tellhisstory/

Feelin’ 55 and Flawless, my birthday song

Children, Faith, family, Motherhood, praise, Trust, Vulnerability
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My family…God has blessed me with a good life!

I was anxious and grouchy last night (again).

Worried about how I might look today, needing a haircut, needing the right outfit, needing not to be discombobulated and nerved out!

I had an important speech to give about our important work with homeless families.  I needed to quiet the chubby, shy,  girl and become the professional, outspoken and articulate woman.

Man, that can be a challenge lately!

Problem is I had to be up at 5:15 on my 55th birthday.

I was grouchy going to bed and most likely annoying everyone around me discussing my changing appearance and my fatigue.

For weeks I had been announcing that I would be “double nickels” to the point of most everyone wishing it had come and gone. No matter what my husband said, I would snap back,  “I see the changes, there’s no need to tell me it’s not true.”

“I have a mirror, I am really aging. I might let my words get ahead of my thoughts. I either talk too fast or my slow southern drawl kicks in. And my hair, oh,  I need a haircut. Cover the arms, elongate the neck, keep my hands still, keep my shoulders back…they’re recording this for the campaign, it’s important!” I said.

“You’ll be fine.  I’m sorry you have so much stress on your birthday.” he said.

I needed to sleep last night.

I tried.

But, too much noise,  thinking, planning, and doubting kept me awake. I had one of those nights when the alarm is actually good, at least the struggle is over. Finally permission to give up on drifting into more than a few minutes of sleep. First thought this morning?  A song, a happy little upbeat song

Lying there in the quiet, early morning darkness, a set of lyrics phrase popped up and I’ve been celebrating all day this permission to have a happy birthday.

Words from a song I stopped to hear on Sunday, turned it  up loud glad to hear it again, twice on Monday.  Car singing, shameless stoplight karaoke:

“No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless”
Mercy Me

So I navigated my morning with the words becoming more real with each repetition. The gift of a song you can’t get our of your head, the message of grace, of God’s opinion of me on my birthday and every day.

What a gift, to be seen as flawless.  The cross has made me flawless.

Short of time, no leisurely coffee sipping couch morning;  I scribbled a quick journal entry prayer marked 8/11

Lord, help this be the year I truly see me as you do.  Help me to embrace the me that you would have me be, made me to be.” 

I remembered a special gift then. I paused to notice the words on the pretty little cross, slowing down to recall the verse.

The words beckoning me to believe the phenomenal love of  God.  The cross, a birthday gift a few years back from my soon to be son-in-law, hangs in my bathroom,  supposed to be a daily reminder.20150812_082309_kindlephoto-22573737

18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Ephesians  3:18-19

 

The meeting was good.  I made it on time. I choose a bright pink dress instead of beige or black and I used words that made sense!  My hands were still and  people were attentive. I used words that made sense, and were impactful.

The right words at the right time are a blessing according to the Book of Proverbs…another gift!

“The presentation, the organizer of the event said, was flawless.”

“Thank you, Lord for words to songs, words on crosses.  Thank you, Mercy Me and you, Lord, for the intricacies of my mind.  For planting a song in my mind and on my heart today, a birthday song.”

A song of  “Good morning, Lisa.  Remember you are flawless.”

“Could it possibly be
That we simply can’t believe
That this unconditional
Kind of love would be enough

Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless.”

Read more: Mercy Me – Flawless Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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Key Lime Cake…my girl can bake!

Happy Birthday, me!

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/three-of-the-most-important-words-you-could-say-tellhisstory/

Thank you Jennifer!

Thank you Jennifer!

ok, focused and purposeful

Children, courage, Faith, family, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

If I could, I’d slow things down a little. At the same time, I’d hurry them, too.  I’d have the path smooth and the transition complete. My son would have the crossed the bridge, navigated challenging waters and safely made it to Sophomore year, strong footing ashore.

I’d be watching my daughter entering the chapel down a white petal strewn aisle. I anticipate a feeling I can’t quite know. Joy, grace, beautiful graced gift from God. I’d have seen her exit reception filled giddiness to begin her married life.

My purposeful and insightful heart would be at rest.

The deep waters of change would be familiar, even serene.

Two life changes sitting impatiently in my heart. About to burst from the emotion of change, accomplishment and dream come true.

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I’ve been thinking quite a lot. I’ve noticed the way my heart has responded to what good is coming.

I’ve embraced the journey.

I’ve become insightful, listened to stories, have had more of my own.

Then, I considered a Facebook hiatus.  Two reasons.

There is a whole lot of trash and trashy there.  There’s quite a bit of debate, incited and enticed.  There’s a whole lot of visual of the horrible.  It’s a challenge to look away. It’s hard to see clearly what’s true or what’s spectacular.

Second reason, just because I might be a tad too brave, too vulnerable, too honest in my writing. I write bravely, honestly and openly. It’s clear my Quiet Confidence is not Facebook appropriate.

FB, after all is really just attention seeking a like.

My words interest some, impact some, cause some to wonder. I write what others feel, but are afraid to say. IMG_20140915_080505

I’ll still write. Just not share so much. I’ll update my blog site, it needs more polish anyway, add a Follow button for readers. I’ll still have the address on FB for those who “get me”.

I’ll still post my scripture, daily; but not the long and personal stories of my journey of faith, of fear, of joyful answered prayers. People on my path and their stories becoming my story are my heart, my purpose. So, this will be content for the blog.

These things are honestly too real for attention grabbing and seeking  audience of Facebook.

And it will be ok.

I noticed last week that I had been replying to emails with “ok”.

I thought, “Lisa, you should probably at least type the word out, capitalize the “O”, add a period or a smiley face at the end.

But, I didn’t. I was annoyed, stressed and pushed for time.

Please not one more question, request, requirement!  Work on top of life journeys found me saying

ok

ok

ok

Patience, Lisa. One thing at a time. One more day, one more thing.

Slow down, time. Hurry up, let me get through this!

I’m sitting in my sister’s den. It’s quiet. I have good coffee and I’ve had some good quiet. It’s raining now.

Rumbling thunder.

The dogs have come in. My nephew is napping. My son came along for the babysitting vacation and we played Scrabble last night.

My niece is beautiful and kind with the glow of confidence.

My daughter is home with the dogs and the engagement party is Saturday.

So, all is Okay.

I look up towards the mantle, “Should I water that plant?”

And I’m reminded to be patient, as I focus on the words.

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Everything is going to be ok.

The words, I focus on the words.

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee

Thank you Jennifer!

Thank you Jennifer!

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tellhisstory-rock-bottom-the-color-purple-and-a-giveaway/

Wisdom, Shoes and the Journey of Nevertheless

Children, courage, Faith, family, Motherhood, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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I phoned five different stores,  narrowed our possibilities down to two older downtown department stores and a place with a really funny name that sounded like nothing to do with shoes or military attire.

Just as well, no one answered the phone because I was a little confused about a shop claiming to sell desert boots but calling itself,  “Little Elves Shop”. The shoes he needed were needed soon, must be broken in, must meet specific requirements. I was thrilled to plan our shopping day, first stop, downtown and just across the river into Georgia.

Wrong!  This sprawling expanse of a dark and damp department store contained old clothes, old shoes and old men who explained that the shoes might be damaged because the roof fell in on the store a while back. Smushed flat shoes, corduroy pants with ridged cords thick like Brady Bunch bell bottom jeans and military jackets…pile upon pile. Crazy as it seems, I was hoping for the shoes. Maybe smushed shoes meant broken in. I was getting desperate.

We left, my son and I, shaking our heads but laughing. A shop across the street caught my eye, “Law Enforcement Command Center”. I crossed the street, pressed my face to the window, saw what might be the shoes and knocked on the door, a desperate mom in need of shoes for my college boy.  The store had closed five minutes earlier.

“Austin” I say,  “there’s one we can try. It’s called Little Elves Shop.” His face priceless, as I called and a gentleman answered.  Same story, new person  “I need shoes for my son. He’s going to The Citadel in August. I can’t find them anywhere!”  “Come on down” he said.  “I’ll help you out.”  So, of course we headed that way.

Weaving back streets,  a quiet little town with four wheelers and lawn mowers out for rides, we found the place, Little Elves Shop.  A sign warned us to drive slowly, a bump in the driveway in front of a tiny little shed with an  “Open, Come in”  sign beckoning us to enter. We both stood, unsure of the little shop. We were there and he said he could help, he said come on down. He was expecting us. We had to go in.

So, we did. Walked in and he perked up. He was a thin man,  small in stature and bent over slightly, he perked up and said, “Well, hello there! I thought I was tall but you are a some kinda tall, young man!”  My son is 6′ 5″. He gets this a lot. He endures it mostly.  He smiled as the owner scurried excitedly meandering through the racks of clothes to look for shoes in the tiny little military and memorabilia filled shop, jam packed with uniforms, shoes, jackets, boots and shoes.

He found the boots. They fit.  He sold us socks, Brasso, Kiwi shoe polish, shirt stays and a shoe shine kit. He would order the black military oxfords if we couldn’t find them, not patent, not corifam  (No, I had no idea what that meant).

But, in between and along the way, he imparted wisdom and Austin and I listened.

We heard of his small town high school days in the Beta Club. He was an only child, both parents disabled and yet he was selected to travel to Missouri. He had a good business head he told us, but was poor.  He had charm and a solid bit of good sense. He was, smart and was selected to travel in a competition nevertheless, he said.

He smiled and winked as he told Austin about the banquet after the awards. He said he found himself in an almost empty ballroom staring across the room at the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. He told my son, back in those days young men respected young women. You were never too forward.

He asked Austin, “What do you think I did?  Well, I had no choice but to walk right over and ask her to dance and we danced for hours.”

He told us he returned to the tiny town of Greenwood and she to her home, her daddy a wealthy businessman. He worked in a mill, his parents disabled, limited income. She wrote him he said, inviting him to her graduation. She told him her daddy wanted to meet him. His life would change. It could be his answer. It could have changed his life, he said.

“Nevertheless,” he said, “I got sick and couldn’t go.”   He came down with appendicitis and was close to death. The girl from the Midwest never wrote again.

And then he smiled, telling how for a time he dated five girls at once until two showed up at the same place and then, “Austin” he said, chuckling  “for five years I couldn’t pay a girl for a date.”

I imagined him handsome, confident, sharply dressed for dancing. I imagined the girl from the Midwest dressed in flowery pastel, dancing, swaying with the sweet Southern boy full of charm and  confidence.

Handsome and sure of himself.

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“Nevertheless, I  married the one of the five who said yes.  I call her my little bride.” he shook his head, smiling.

He got quiet then and talked of Vietnam and his shop helper, a veteran working with him and for him, handicapped by war, a struggling victim of PTSD. He told us of this soldier’s company. Of the deaths of men led by him, carried by him,  their fatally wounded bodies, he the only survivor.

“He can’t be around loud noises and he drifts off in thinking.

Nevertheless, he lived although his friends died.”

“War is bad, Austin,war is bad.”

“Nevertheless, it is a worthy and brave commitment.”

Then, the heaviness shifted and we, my son and I eased towards the exit, boots and various items in hand, plans to order the shoes.

He looked at my son and said, “You are a fine young man.”

I smiled, thanked him and we left.

We found the shoes the next day, the law enforcement uniform shop with courteous, efficient and ease of purchase staff.

Nevertheless, I called the little shop owner to say I found the shoes. He invited us back, me actually.

He has a back yard filled with flowers. He promised to help Austin and me dig up a few of a certain ones, moon flowers he called them.

“You can watch them bloom at night” he said. “Plant a few, they’ll make you smile when you’re missing your boy.”

I’m fascinated now with the idea and truth of “nevertheless”. It’s all through the Bible…the word, the idea of good in spite of, of grace and good from unexpected, from uncertainty.

Of things turning out for us despite us.

This time and this transition, this much to be prepared for challenge.

Empty nest, overflowing heart.

I am proud of you, son.

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This journey of faith

Of assurance.

Letting go, holding loosely, letting God.

Nevertheless, it’s a tough journey.

Shoes, boots and stories, nevertheless.

The little man from the Little Elves Shop called again.  He wanted me to know that each and every time Austin comes to mind, he’ll stop and pray. He wanted me to tell Austin this and told me again, “He’s a fine young man.”

“I had hoped to do business with you again.”

“Nevertheless, I enjoyed meeting you and Austin”, he added.

“Thank you”,  I said.

And knowing our shopping is done and my son will be dropped off with a quick and not so easy hug at The Citadel very soon

I may stop for a visit and some wisdom, by Little Elves Shop,  nevertheless.

Blog post # 163: Lisa-isms

courage, Faith, Motherhood, Prayer, Teaching, Trust, Vulnerability

This one, 1 of  “Oh my goodness,  163 blogs?” I’ve written  is really just for recording purposes,  nothing else. Maybe even for fun, a lighter commentary.

Even Abbie wants to know.

Even Abbie wants to know.

Not to see myself as any type expert or holder of unique wisdom, just because life becomes more clear when you’re approaching double nickels.

Another honest, surprisingly so grouping of words, my truth(s)

A place called Quiet Confidence, my place to simply write.

Nothing outlandishly famous, just me.

Posting, publishing for a few who might enjoy, might be curious, might find me odd.

A place of a blending of what my mama told me,  life taught me,  and what keeps proving to be the truth of my heart, spoken through my Bible and in my prayers.

The place of where God is saying,

“Stay here, you’re starting to get it, Lisa. I knew you’d stay longer this time. I knew you’d finally see yourself the way I do. Stay here, Lisa, there’s good here, for you and through you.”

So, Happy early Birthday, to me.  “Tell us how you feel, Lisa!”

  • People are people. God is God.
  • If someone asks you repeatedly if “you’re mad at them”, you probably are and they know it. You’ve just chosen the high road of overlooking their offense.
  • Nothing good comes by force…nothing. No thing!
  • Everyone comes to or returns to God through their own door.  Share your map, point the way, hold the door, they will enter.
  • If you mess up, say so. Repentance is a mighty powerful testimony.
  • Read your Bible…read it now before someone forbids its reading.
  • Call your mama. Call your daddy. I wish I could.
  • Pray without a script. Talk to God. 
  • Write notes and mail them. 
  • Drop what you’re doing, whatever you’re doing, to be with your child if you are asked.
  • Do things for your children they should by now on their own. Things like writing initials on socks pre-college to do’s or fixing a snack when the request is “fix me a surprise treat” because that’s what she liked when she was little.
  • Never ask a question you already know the answer to. That’s fishing for info and you’re either afraid or just plain nosy.
  • Ask God to show you “What you need to know and when and what to say if there is stuff to be said.”
  • Understand that your children are different and have many differences as they mature. Love both, defend neither, advocate equally. (Seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly. Be a peacemaker, they’re blessed.)
  • If someone says they are your friend, but you feel worse after being with or talking to them, depleted and defeated, made to feel less than…they are not your friend. 
  • If the song played at your wedding randomly comes on the radio, stop what you’re doing and embrace your sweaty husband sitting by the pool (Yes, Edwin McCain, “Could not Ask for More” just came on between an odd mix of  “Don’t Worry Be Happy” and “Your Lips Taste like Sangria ” 🙂 )
  • The best plans turn out to be the ones not made. (Thank you, Diana)
  • Do not put the confidence in others that should be in God. 
  • Pray before sleep. Pray before coffee. Pray before everything.
  • Every choice should be based on, “Will this keep me walking with God or will I be walking with something, someone else?”
  • Robert Frost was right about the roads. Experience the difference of the rarely taken road. 
  • Return to your roots. Walk the place of your rearing. For me, that’s tall pines, blue skies, dirt roads, birds singing, creek running.
  • Write because it nourishes your soul.

To be continued, most likely, God willing.