Vulnerability

Let Be

family, grace, marriage, rest, Teaching, Trust, Vulnerability, wonder

You can’t see it probably, 

a shadowy place there amongst the growth. 

This statue-like border up the edge of the pool fence, it started with one branch, like an arm reaching up to warm sky. 

I ranted two summers straight.

“Please trim that ridiculous hedge!” 

All I could think is one day I’d come home and the shrubbery out front would be trimmed into shapes of rooster tails or some design alternating loops and curves, 

Edward Scissorhand-ish and such. 

He loved the randomness of the way it decided to grow up the fence. 

I was annoyed by the intentional way we now on purpose had a bush growing uncontrolled up the fence. 

I decided, no use. 

Let it be. 

Like the sheets all crinkled and untucked or the rag thrown on the counter, not folded over sink 

or the one sip milk jug back in the fridge or…

Summer almost here again and the towering shrub has far exceeded the height of fence top. 

But, I’ve grown to love it.

And the hollowed out place, the opening to the innards is now the place where the mama goes in, a mockingbird careening towards its nest as I watch through my morning kitchen window. 

I walked out with the dogs and turned just now in the mist of rain and thought how beautiful it is to let things be. 

Growing freely, differently, more strong and for reasons yet to be seen. 

To be “let be”

and it just occurred to me this is a post about marriage. 

Rare and different feeling

Oddly nice, this change, this growth in us, in me, the letting be and letting love. 

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭ESV


Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee. I hope you’ll take a minute to read her most beautiful prayer here: http://jenniferdukeslee.com/will-pray-prayer/

In the Morning

Abuse Survivor, bravery, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, Prayer, rest, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Vulnerability

Imagine the day that begins with a prayer, rising and settling into the truth coming out in the quiet of ticking kitchen wall clock space. 


Remembering the tossing of the night and the triumph of a dream that started as memory and ended as battle won. 

Could it be the “ohhmms” that made me victor, not defeated one this time? 

Sunday, yoga with smiles and peace and challenges extended, unleashed. 

Or maybe it was the getting back to the big thing I’d set aside. Just a peek.

I read two pieces, intended to be separate; yesterday I saw that they are one and I realized the answer to the question offered heavenly, 

“Lord, show me what you’d have me do with this idea of me a writer of a book.”

I lingered all evening in the realness of His reply. 

Then dreamt of fighting my old demons and winning, fighting back with determination. 

After the loosening of the groggy like heavy wool coat, I’ve  finally discarded,

I write a prayer to my Heavenly Father.

“Heavenly Father, make me stronger than the things that hold me back, weigh me down, break my spirit.” 

Because of mercy, 

Amen. 

Monday morning begins with the will to be the me He sees again, rediscovered motivation and quiet fervor feeling like fresh anticipation. 

A prayer of Moses, the one God called although he’d declared he could not speak,

“Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭90:17‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Grace Awaits

Children, courage, Faith, family, grace, Motherhood, Trust, Vulnerability, wonder

Today, I’ve decided to look for the grace. 

3 verses down from the verse I call “life”, the one that I first claimed as my daddy’s verse and then decided it could be mine too, is a verse that reminds me of how God is always gracious. He waits to be gracious. He longs to be gracious. He’s about to be gracious, we should anticipate the grace we don’t see coming that he’s about to give! 
In between are words that talk about “fleeing” on horses, maybe rushing ahead or going off on paths other than what are best…Isaiah is talking about a “rebellious” people. 
I thought, maybe not waiting quietly and trusting with a repentant heart is rebellion too. 
This whole waiting and trusting thing is hard. We want what we want and have no middle place…either rush ahead haphazard or throw up our hands and drop our heads in pity. 
Trust and Wait. Trust and Obey. 
I wrote a monthly column about the gentle and kind Savior and I’m still blown away by the reality of his open arms, holding me, keeping me, calling me back and loving me with new invitations to follow Him every day.
Today, look for grace, little and big. 
Grace awaits, I have proof. 

I had a moment just now wishing for something to be as before, hoping to have turned back time. Deciding, these days now are just as good as those were.

Then, I turn a corner and just like that I’m unexpectedly met by the smile, the smile the same just older, wiser and more independent. 

Truth and Vision

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, Teaching, Trust, Vulnerability

I can’t decide if my glasses are old or my vision is changing or maybe my morning eyes find it harder to focus. 


I wake with prayer and I carry that prayer with me to the place I open my words. 

I fling the glasses to the side because I’ve crinkled up the corners of my cheeks up towards my lashes and I realize I’m better without the lens. 

I wonder if there’s misconception in my thoughts I think to pray, if I’m seeing clearly what might possibly be ahead. 

I’m in a time of not quite sure what’s my part anymore in this thing I called my treasure. I believe if I’m honest I’ve let my vision become blurred by other objects. 

I’m beginning to tell myself the truth, like a failed diet…if I keep it secret will anyone know? 

Maybe not. 

But, I do and better to have good intentions than discarding all intentions and effort. 

Without fail I find truth every morning. 

I’m not supposed to know it all, see it all. 

I’m just called to keep looking and focused and certain what I’m seeking is through the lens of my Lord. 

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Begin again. Press on, things will become more clear. 

Too Deep for Words

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, praise, Prayer, rest, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

I can tell you there’s nothing better than having strong arms holding you tight

for longer than a consoling or obligatory hug, for as long as the one being held holds on. 

Until they have emptied themselves of what’s been brimming, aching, 

on the verge of

tears.

I worried about her.  Left our shelter to be on her own and then as we decided today “things got hard…illness, upheaval…all hell broke loose and hard stuff happened”. 

My imagination went wild and tragic. 

She was not home, would not answer. 

I finished a meeting early and decided to try again, she may be home

or the car might have moved and come back. 

The apartment complex entry, scattered with  porch sitters and juveniles turning to notice my car. 

I had taken her to church with me, I’d confronted her struggles and we’d found our way back to good. 
We’d talked about Jesus together. 

I get the chance to come to know women at a loss for winning

ever again. 

You can’t imagine the climb from hopeless to possible. 

Nor the fear of trying to be good and safe and alone with no one to depend upon but you. 

So, when I hugged her goodbye and she cried, fragile arms shaking and shoulder blades a’quiver. 

I held her and she cried. 

For a long time. 

And she asked me to pray for her and I thought fleetingly 

I’ll pray now, out loud and pleading. 

But, it seemed self-serving and held tighter instead, my hands on her back, her face against my chest. 

I’d been calling. I’d decided I’d be met by tragedy if ever I might find her again. 

Her phone stopped working, she explained. 

So, on my kitchen counter now lies an old yet new one I’d found at bottom of my pocketbook, the downgraded discarded upon upgrade I said. 

“I have a phone, you can have it. 

Things will be better. 

Pray. One day, one obstacle at a time. ”

“I’ll be stronger for it.” She said. 

“I can’t imagine you any stronger.” I answered.

“I feel better.” she added and I told her if she could, read Romans 8, because I did this morning and I believe I will again. 

And maybe again. 

“But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:25-26‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Angels, Art and Otherwise

bravery, Faith, grace, mercy, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

A writer who wrote a book about hope and places and people along the way who reinforced or taught us to be hopeful, “Hope Markers”  https://www.joangallaghernowo.com/ asked if I’d consider writing a guest post. 

Joan Gallagher is one of the answers to my Jabez prayer, that God would enlarge my territory. 

She has a website called “Women Mentoring Women” and honestly this name makes so much sense based on my encounters with her. 

She’s never given me anything but hope. 

She doesn’t even know me. 

So, I thought of mentors and being a tad bit independent in the way I process advice, I had to acknowledge that maybe I’m not so great a “mentee”.

But, I thought of a gracious woman who gave me the chance to love her, to honor and complement her life changing story.

I thought of her grace towards me and others and I remembered and wrote of a life changing time in her life that she will not allow to be forgotten. 

So, I thought yes, it’s Judy. She’s my hope marker, my pointer out of all the graces I’ve been shown. 

Thank you, Joan for the chance to write. 

I hope you’ll read and think of grace, God’s unending towards us and his opportunities to allow our graces given by others to never go unnoticed. 

I hope you’ll honor my beautiful friend, Judy Jones, by reading and sharing her story; but, mostly being changed as was I by her example of grace. 

Angels and a Teacher of Grace

Love and Rest

bravery, courage, Faith, family, grace, mercy, praise, Prayer, Salvation, Trust, Vulnerability

I wake the same way every morning lately. 

My default mindset being, could yesterday have been better, maybe today will be. 

Blank page is bordered with “first thought”, a verse I read; but, I fail to remember the Book. 


This self analysis and prone to self condemnation is for the birds! I proclaim my daughter has taught me not to take myself so seriously; but, man I go right back to that place again! 

Little blips of things I’ve read and heard, absorbed from conversations are all opposing the other, making us look like a confused bunch of passive aggressive souls. 

“Are any of us ever good enough to be loved by Jesus or are we always good enough to be loved by him?”

Like a deep, deep gorge and a shaky bridge between two sides, that’s what it seems we’ve become, questioning the others’ side based on what we believe right or wrong, worthy enough or not at all. 

Who are we to know the heart of another? 

We scarcely know our own! 

Again, today I wake and consider my less than good enough behaviors.

 I question whether my feelings, my faith were strong enough and whether any of what I say I believe is true is believed enough consistently by me. 

We’ve decided, my staff and I to give a mother another chance. Her actions and behaviors had worn us all out; but, we will offer this morning a second chance. 

Work and faith intersect, I’m thinking now, no accident that God had my heart in tune with all of us, all of us a bunch of stumbling misfits. 

I sat amongst a circle of chairs one night. A question offered up, “Do you think you can live a sinful life once you’ve confessed that you believe in Jesus as your Savior?” 

Comments here and there about what you can and can’t do wrong and still be right.

 I was still, sort of trying to comprehend how we all had just heard of a harlot who was courageous and believed in God and how her story is nothing less than validation that we all are less than perfect on any given day. 

I believe we all stumble in many ways. 

Lord, help me admit my stumbling and your holding me back up rather than knocking and keeping down the one you haven’t yet to hold. 

Lately, I’ve been resting with a question, a timely one I believe, 

What is it that God desires most? Is it obedience or to be like Jesus, Christ-like? 

To correct or to love? 

I’m leaning strongly towards being like Jesus. I know him more, he knows me more. It’s relationship and with relationship over time my thoughts become like his thoughts, my ways more closely to his ways. 

That way, when I wake up with questions over my less than perfect ways, I’ll have open hands and heart to give thanks for more chances and to be given more grace and more mercy yet again. 

And I’ll close my hands before rising from bedside floor and squeeze tight that gift of redemption and I’ll walk today in peace and praise hoping others may notice and wonder, give me the chance to tell.  

Perhaps, an invitation to explain my decision to believe. 

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:1-2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Because, well, because mercy has been given me and has covered and covers a multitude of my wrongs. 

I am loved and free to love. 

Linking up here: http://barbieswihart.com/2017/05/his-promise-still-stands-glimpses-link-up.html

Falling Again

courage, Faith, family, grace, mercy, Prayer, rest, Trust, Vulnerability

I am quiet and move slowly with my morning, considering the beauty of sunlight or the threat of storm. 


The air crisp or heavy might cause my notice. 

The sun made shadows yesterday morning, a design on the floor, leading to path towards the pool.

The rain, hard the night before and a cool damp breeze found my face. 


Fuschia petals had fallen making scattered and joyful places for my steps to follow. I stared long and longing, no one around to question my standing so long to consider the fallen rose. 

It was early and there were plans for breakfast. Then the day went long and off course by unexpected and accidental things. 

It was midnight when I remembered the fallen petals of the morning. 


And I found myself falling again, to the place that knows my knees. 

I wake today, and they’ve been swept from the walk. 

But, what an abundance of new bloom! 

I’ll not pluck one for new vases, I’ll leave them there, still and less prone to trampling. 

For tomorrow or this evening may perhaps bring a new storm. 

And I will remember to be still, for I know He is my God.  I know he knows. 

‭‭

Cease striving and know that I am God! Psalms‬ ‭46:10‬ ‭

Because I just read a beautiful post about prayer, I’m linking up here: https://i1.wp.com/mom-gene.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Sunday-Thoughts-Button.jpeg?zoom=2&w=584

Back to Me 

bravery, courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Vulnerability

There are two desks in my home. One looks out towards mama’s bird bath and the field across the road. I write there. It’s quiet and clean, serene and special. The story was written, “Angels and Teachers of Grace”. I am satisfied with its message.


The other desk is marked by paint. Walls covered in funky and beautiful, memories and paintings by my children.

 The solitude of my empty home calls me down the hall and I begin slightly half-hearted until I continue.

This is my pattern. 

Until I go from believing the ability has faded, the inspiration has waned to taking away and adding to, blending and stepping away for drink to return with new eyes. 

Then, I’m back there, me again. 

The place unexplainable, the place of what rests inside, in maybe a little hollowed out sort of cocoon, my soul is there, is found and is given its due.

Yesterday, I shared some thoughts I’d been thinking when our teacher asked for comments. Men and women glanced my way and, I believe wondered, “Is she different?” 

Dazed looks that I can’t decide are either, “Where does she come up with these thoughts?”  or “Who on earth thinks so much?”  or maybe “There she goes again, will she always have something to say?”

Empathy, noticing, feeling, understanding, contemplating, I was born for that. 

We discussed being in the “family of God”  and I offered up it can be difficult because of human nature to always get along and for people like me who truly prefer to be alone, for people who must be alone to sustain their souls and sense. 

No comments, just looks. 

This is why, I listened to the songs, in the way too cold because of the thermostat sanctuary, I prayed with open hands for all mentioned and then about three quarters of the way in,  I picked up my purse, my Bible and quietly left the building. 

Because, my soul craved to be alone and I followed its beckon.

And I listened and returned, to my place of peace. 

Art and words, free and freeing. 

“…to guide us to the path of peace.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭1:78-79‬ ‭NLT‬‬

My Soul, a Seeker

Abuse Survivor, bravery, courage, Faith, grace, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

The pencil in my hand, a comfort. 

It is.

A halfhearted, less than purposeful and slightly abrupt prayer before reading, Lamentations, Chapter, 3.

Oh, my soul, You never let go.

Lamenting seems appropriate as I’ve dreamt of reminders again, the chapter is hard in the first verses. The lamented recalling harm, darkness and entrapment. 

Hard things are good if for no other reason at all than someone else’s understanding. 

Yes, worth its weight in gold is another’s understanding how long things are there, those wounds, understands the answer to when you might be able to get past it. 

The answer is always, “Never.”

The lamented understands and counters with hope and faith, has become a seeker of all things soul-filling. 

“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! 

His mercies never cease. 

Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” 

The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.”

‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:21-25‬ ‭NLT‬‬
The Lamentations never discounted, the faith, though, oh, the heart and soul of my faith!