May your head and heart speak with one voice. (Last night’s teabag)
Yesterday, I heard someone say that trauma is not what happened to us as much as it is our response to it.
I wondered if avoiding what reminds us of a harmful event or period in our life is doing more damage than we ever thought.
I thought about this, sipping my tea in bed in the dark after reading “How to Babysit a Grandma” and planning matching outfits with a spirited five year old.
Thursday Night Sleepy Tea
I took my little girl self by the hand and we remembered what happened on Monday in the dental chair.
I decided to consider my trauma response, look at it closely, learn from the recognition of my reaction.
The hygienist told me there was a new approach to cleaning. It would involve an instrument blowing air with a little bit of force in my mouth. Because of that, a thin paper shield with an opening would simply cover my face.
The procedure began. It wasn’t painful. I folded my hands together and sat still. Then I began to sort of dig one finger into my thumb, an anxiety reliever, I thought.
Then, I noticed my breathing change.
Then, I noticed fear.
The hygienist finished and I felt my body unclench, my neck unstiffen and my belly exhale as she freed me from being trapped.
She didn’t know.
It was too strange.
Here I am on Friday considering the gift of small and unthreatening, albeit unavoidable reminders of trauma.
Here I am deciding that just maybe these not so scary things are meant to be noticed and acknowledged so that we over time may still have a trauma response.
But, we can make sense of it and making sense of it will only lead to even more healing than we would know if we’d silenced our thoughts.
Being held down with a hand over my mouth, my face, my eyes was decades ago.
Decades ago.
Has something deeply hurt you? Were you a child? Were you on the cusp of grown-up?
Are there reminders from time to time?
Don’t silence them. Notice how they show up unexpectedly and so very often in safe (but scary) ways.
When we consider our trauma, we’re not coddling the helpless baby of us, we’re simply honoring our story and giving ourselves and God credit for all the rewriting.
How can we rewrite such stories?
Maybe like this:
My cleaning appointment was better because I put my very own music in my ears. The hygienist was kind. She’d changed her hair and I told her two times that it was beautiful. The instrument used to remove the plaque was not enjoyable but necessary. The new technique with the air pressure in my mouth took the place of the polishing. The tissue paper circle covering my face was not pleasant but kept me dry. No changes, keep flossing, maybe go without your partial on top to ease the inflammation.
There’s trauma all over my issues with my teeth.
Last night Elizabeth, my granddaughter watched in fascination as I cleaned my dental “appliances”.
When she asked,
“How many teeth have you lost, Grandma?”
I answered “two” because the true story, the number being slightly more would’ve been too hard on her little ears.
Instead, I smiled and said “Two!”
And her little blue eyed face lit up as she grinned and said.
“Me too!”
Considering trauma, let it talk and pay very close attention when it speaks gently.
Simply longing to be heard and learned from.
You are loved.
Continue and believe.
Restoration is a process and a promise.
“I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.” Joel 2:25 ESV
Disclaimer: There’s honest mention of eating disordered behaviors in this post. My intent is always, offer hope, not remind of harm. I pray so.
A large painting in progress leans against the fireplace. A practice of mine is to gaze over at an in progress piece or a finished one to decide if “I like what it says”.
This one began subdued and starkly pure in tones, white, ivory, subtle gold and the strong dark grey.
Now, it’s in a different in progress stage, almost done and more strong in color.
A Corner Detail
Years ago, I wrote a blog post chronicling an encounter with a man who was a splendid storyteller. He was very much a fan of the word “nevertheless”.
He shared his life story in incremental pauses introduced by the word.
I’ve since learned to love the word.
Last week, I stared at my unnamed painting. I knew its story was unfinished and I’d need to be intentional; nevertheless, not force its completion.
As I pondered the piece, a thought and words came.
“You’re worth fighting for, Lisa. You may have never heard those words, but you are and you’ve been ‘worth fighting for’ for all of your life.” Journal entry 5/10/24
So serious. Yes, I know.
Too serious to write about has been my thought.
Nevertheless, there was a new clarity in those never before uttered words.
And I saw the figures in the painting, two angelic and others onlooking in strength and love and that’s what I saw in the little brown-haired girl.
Me.
Her sweet and shy acceptance of that truth she’d made progress in believing but still had a ways to go,
To keep believing, nevertheless.
To keep believing so that she could overcome even more.
Not overcome to be bold or brave or boastful but because overcoming symbolized more.
Led and leads to more.
You are worth overcoming whatever is trying to overcome you.
Worthy of Overcoming
A few weeks ago I had my first physical with all the bloodwork in several years. A new physician, one recommended by two trusted friends, asked me a question I’d not been asked in decades.
She asked “How is your eating disorder?”
And I sat quietly, I looked intently into her kind face and I answered.
“So good, I am doing so good. It’s been close to 35 years since I’ve had any of those patterns. I’m so glad.”
She nodded.
And waited and I added,
“But there was a moment a few weeks ago. I was home alone. I was feeling less than, feeling the rejection that comes sometimes when we are vulnerable in life and art. I was standing in my kitchen and thought, eat all the butter pecan ice cream and balance it with a bag of burgers and then just throw it all up.”
She listened.
And I added,
“But, I didn’t even though for a moment…not more, I could feel in control, I could punish myself and I could treat food like the love I felt was missing.”
I thanked her for asking. I meant it.
For believing I was worth the question.
And for the way the question led to the remembrance of this realization.
You’re worth fighting for.
Another Corner (in progress)
What are you battling that requires the lasting embrace of this truth that God has never given up on you?
Don’t give up on yourself.
Get back in there and fight to be aligned with His sweet and sovereign idea of you.
Because I’m convinced this is the key that will unlock the door and that the big deadbolt that keeps the door barred to wellness in our bodies and souls is this…
Insecurity
Insecurity is the voice of your foe. Insecurity blocks the door. Insecurity says “You’re not worth fighting for.”
And insecurity hides in depression, loneliness, hides in a careless attitude about our unhealthy choices,
It hides in the belief that to advocate for oneself is prideful and not humble, is haughty, not meek.
Insecurity says God’s tired of me, tired of listening to me battle this thing,
Insecurity says maybe God doesn’t care anymore, why should I?
“As long as I live I’ll keep praying to him, for he stoops down to listen to my heart’s cry.” Psalms 116:2 TPT
I promise you, I’d not be sharing these words if God would’ve let me forget them by now.
Nevertheless, I sat in my morning spot, quiet and a little sullen and I heard deep in my soul, the words I’d never heard…
You’re worth fighting for, Lisa
And I answered, wrote him a note with a little girl tone, like a bedtime prayer.
“Thank you, God for helping me be stronger now, to decide I’m worth fighting for.”
You are too.
Believe it.
Continue and believe.
(Sermon to self always first because I stumble too. We all stumble in many ways and most every day.)
Surrender.
“The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me.” Psalm 116:6 ESV
In the asking of brave questions, faith is given power to grow.
To give ourselves and others permission to hope. To look up and outward from wise or sorrowful inward reflection to be ignited by newness in thought.
Light Transcends
I have a friend who suggested an exercise she’d had suggested to her. As soon as you wake each morning, make a list of all the things you like about yourself (and I suppose, your life).
It’s an exercise akin to my intentional looking for color, for small glimpses of God in nature, a centerpiece on a table.
Yesterday, I thought of all the babies and children and kept circling around the question of how this world now will be then for them.
Then, upstairs with the baby, the song “What a Wonderful World” popped up.
I recognized that there will be wonder still in the world for them to discover. Wonder like plants considered “invasive” that I find spectacular.
A Wonderful Place
I haven’t done the wake up and like things about me thing yet.
I’m still thinking about our conversation that day and all the others I’ve been an invited listener to be changed by.
Honesty that’s been opening doors of my heart.
I’m remembering one offering in particular, an admission of messes made in life, wild times likely at least a part of causing.
Romans 8:28-29 is a passage sort of laid in our laps often in hard times by well-meaning friends or acquaintances.
Or it’s a subtle warning to know God is in control, better not question!
Just accept that bad happens and square your shoulders, pick up your head and carry on towards the good that’s promised.
Often, scripture is offered up and ordered to be accepted, no question.
Maybe not intentional, still there’s no healing in that.
There’s no hope, really.
Noticing Beauty
It must be quietly absorbed and eventually understood personally and deeply and with sweet humility.
This morning, I read this passage again.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.” Romans 8:28-29 NLT
I let my thoughts land on the pages of my journal.
Redemption in Process
God doesn’t cause but sometimes allows. God allows so that we will know He is still with us. He saw.
He sees.
He was and is with us. It’s impossible for Him not to be.
His Sovereign intent is one of persistent and patient pursuit.
He is still with us as we wrestle with the allowance of the crisis, the trauma, the grief, the ugly outcome.
He is still with us and if we will learn to lean into and on Him
we will changed by this leaning.
We will be changed by the hard.
We will, in the leaning, absorb His wisdom and strength.
So that we are changed (made stronger) and that change will better us and make us better carriers of faith to those we encounter.
You must ask yourself bravely what’s so hard to fathom about a God you know as love…
God, did you see, did you allow ___________?
And then you do what’s even more brave.
You look at the allowance of bad and you honestly consider how you in your woundedness, innocence, or ill-equipped for life humanity may have contributed to the eventual disaster or despair.
Then you begin to live more freely as you move closer with transparency to the redemption meant to change you, to offer new hope,
so that your hope and redemptive honesty may be influential in the lives of others.
Maybe, that’s what faith is for.
To be shared in vulnerable and unexpected conversations that change the trajectory of another’s journey.
Often, by surprise.
Just for Joy
Yes, I believe that’s what faith is for.
To bring all things together for good and for us to be more like the one who formed us with certain intention that our likeness to Him will beckon others toward a life of hope, a life of influential love and faith.
Continue and believe.
He’s got the whole world in His hands, always has, always will.
The first sketches I sketched as a young girl, were of trees.
I never thought I’d paint any other subject. I’m still surprised over the peace I experience in the process of portraying postures of women, redemptive,
It feeds my soul.
Tall pines, big oaks, pecan laden and my favorite in my grandmother’s front yard …the shade providing chinaberry.
Trees are complex. They aren’t easy to capture the likeness of.
I sat quietly in my “morning spot”, a chair in the corner of the living room, a chair that was my mama’s, that was fancy for her double-wide in the country.
She’d bought it at a yard sale. I grabbed it up quickly when she died, I wanted it to live with me, I wanted the beauty of her choosing a fancy chair for her not fancy home, to be something I would never forget.
In a way, a seed she left for me to believe that a life can be pretty despite poverty, that there is always opportunity to believe in finding beautiful things.
I’ve had that chair since 2010. I have heard from God sitting there, thoughts formed, hopes and solutions have come.
I have prayed, I have cried, I have napped from exhaustion sitting straight up in this chair.
Before I knew, was tenderly surprised to be asked to speak here, God told me one morning, in a reply to my heart’s longing to know why it seemed I would never be enough, never achieve enough, never be able to see myself as healed and not a victim of so much and so many things.
The words from God, the gentle awakening?
“Lisa, your soil is not healthy.”
Time passed and I sort of tossed the thought around. Thought of all the things I had planted through my life, my children, my marriage, my work for others, my art, my sharing of my words…
“Seeds” in a way, efforts and actual accomplishments that I contributed to the soil of my life, the things that were from my heart and my soul.
The truth of that very odd thought, my soil not being healthy,
simply would not fade.
Months from the first wrestling to understand the meaning, I have begun to make sense of the strange statement.
So, I want us to consider whether our soil is healthy.
I googled “healthy soil” and “what causes trees to die.”
One answer drew me closer.
THE SOIL MAY BE COMPLICATED.
I made a list of complicated seeds in the soil of my life.
One list, things and circumstances beyond my control, even generational curses and a second list of traits, qualities and choices I have planted and continue to plant.
I realized there were a whole bunch of seeds that needed to die, no longer needed my failing attempts to bring life from brittle seeds or to keep nourishing and watering what I selfishly or naively chose to decide had to live forever…
there were seeds of my sadness that needed to die.
There are seeds of my history that I’ve let mark and destroy my hope for far too long.
Consider with me, what your soil, your soul is full of, seeds planted in you beyond your control and marked by sadness, trauma or likelihoods of how you might or might not grow.
Then consider what you’ve planted, tried to force the growth of or coddled and overwatered…
something that needs to be let go.
Because it’s not so much the THINGS that destroy us, stunt our growth, It’s the THING(S) UNDER THE THING(S)!
The seeds entangled in our roots.
My list:
This process requires bravery. I’ll be brave first.
SEEDS THAT MUST DIE TO ALLOW GROW
• SHAME that dies becomes freedom to live.
• SELF-DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS that are put to death give permission to receive abundantly and to believe you’re worthy to.
• UNWORTHINESS that dies leads to confidence/confident in God not others.
• ABANDONMENT that is allowed to die and be grieved leads to deeper trust and intimacy in relationships.
• VICTIM MENTALITY finally laid down leads to an ease in living and breathing and to breaking generational cycles, a legacy of safety and love uncompromised by negative mindsets.
• FEAR that doesn’t live but dies builds courage (quiet confidence is your strength, this is the way) keep moving steadily forward.
• NEED TO CONTROL given up from an unclenched grip to let die leads to surrender (open hand to heaven).
• BITTERNESS disallowed and put to death yields mercy toward others.
• JEALOUSY that’s snuffed out before it grows invites kindness and sincerity in our thoughts and words.
• COMPARISON that ceases breathing gives breath to abiding oneness and ownership of the uniqueness of you.
I began to research what the Bible says about seeds and found many passages. I’ll just stick to the one familiar to many.
The Parable of the Seeds (the first recorded parable)
“And he was teaching them many things in parables, and in his teaching he said to them: And as he sowed, some seed fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured it. Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and immediately it sprang up, since it had no depth of soil.
And when the sun rose, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away.
Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain.
And other seeds fell into good soil and produced grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold.” Mark 4:2, 4-8 ESV
God is sovereign and very aware of the times, every detail of our lives.
When I began thinking of what to share in speaking to women, I had no plan to write about my mama’s chair or the beautiful growth I might see as I surrendered the seed of grief attached to the story of an old yard sale chair and allowed myself to see the beauty of me possessing it.
On the outside and above the gnarled and tangled roots, our lives like a tree may be spectacular or just seem healthy and vibrant.
In time though, the “COMPLICATED” soil of our souls may lead to decay, destruction, and depression.
Every time we share our vulnerabilities lined up with our hopes for healing, we point someone else toward the path of fullness, light and redemption that they glimpse in us.
Truths on the significance of the soil of my soul being healthy, free of the thorns of despair or despondency over past wounds continue to reveal themselves to me.
Walking with my grandson, on the rocky clay road bordered by deep ditches and steep hills covered in brilliant moss, music from my phone in the atmosphere…I paused to shake off a heavy mood.
I quoted to myself a verse that’s meant to turn the tide, a proclamation…
No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
And I walked on, pushing the stroller, the little strawberry blonde head in my view, a pair of tiny feet bouncing to the beat of “Skip to My Loo”.
I walked slowly and thought…
But Lisa, what about the weapons you continue to turn on yourself.
And I stood still with the weight of that call to consider this truth.
Wounds are thorns that become tools, weapons of sorts for us to decide there’s no hope for us,
No outcome other than the expected one we’ve known, the time to grow is over
A life without woundedness is one you’ll never get to know.
There are some weapons we continue to use in fear because of proven past failures against the waiting patiently hope and permission to grow.
Wounds become weapons and weapons stunt our growth.
Wounds become weapons that we turn inward, that we decide are evidence that we’re not allowed to dream, disallowed from hope.
So ask yourself, message me and I’ll send you the tree as a prompt.
How healthy is my soil?
Which seeds are deep and should not be kept alive? Which seeds must die?
Is there woundedness in your life that you turn on yourself to stunt your growth, to destroy your hopes?
In quiet confidence is your strength…this is the way.
I sat in the back next to someone I don’t really know. We shared a casual conversation about pimento cheese spread. Surrounded by art, the meeting’s agenda would be sharing a YouTube film on “beauty”.
We were offered pencils and a piece of paper to jot down thoughts, told to prepare to share in a group discussion.
The poet/researcher in the video mentioned God’s creation, spoke of God’s intent for not only artists, but everyone, to recognize the power of beauty as a way to change us internally and then effect those around us.
The couple just in front of me looked towards one another often in a likemindedness that matched the word “bullshit” he wrote and held up in front of her (and me).
They exited early.
I listened as others gave feedback, sprinkled around the room were comments about architecture, about culture, about our community, about horses.
I thought to add to conversation, to suggest they all begin to notice color and to, if they felt led, to ask God in prayer to help them see color.
I planned to share how this practice and prayer has been a reset for me, spiritually and creatively.
No one had mentioned God.
Three times, maybe four, I raised my hand to be called on.
I wasn’t acknowledged and decided to stay silent.
That it was not a time to speak.
“ a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;” Ecclesiastes 3:7 ESV
To keep the peace I’d acquired and allow it to be a presence without words.
To possibly be peace to others without using my words.
“Did I but live nearer to God, I could be of so much more help.” George Hodges
This morning, a guest blog post on an author’s site has been shared. My words, added to her community of others writing about “beholding our beauty” in the places life places us. I was just so grateful to write inspired by Esther, her bravery and how bravery is a choice we can make every day, even if with uncertainty.
I encourage you to read not only my thoughts, but to engage in this community that Deborah Rutherford is so intentionally building.
“So now we draw near freely and boldly to where grace is enthroned, to receive mercy’s kiss and discover the grace we urgently need to strengthen us in our time of weakness.” Hebrews 4:16 TPT
When we wake with the woe of what was imperfect the day before or with what we tripped and fell over in our wayward walking, we can acknowledge it all. We can feel all the feelings.
We can accept the mercy of Jesus, reach up and stand to go on the way again, the way to freedom, freedom that waits to save us from ourselves again.
Waiting
We can acknowledge that if it were just ourselves trying to recover, without the knowledge and embrace of His incomprehensible love, we’d not be who we are today.
I might not be here at all.
The smallest amount of believing in the promise of God’s love and mercy leads to overcoming life’s troubles, failures, and sorrows just as much as it does for the one who has never doubted at all.
Mercy meets us where we are.
The Veil
The ones at “the bottom” they’ve hit are just as cared for and cherished, significant in God’s eyes as those who’ve never known “bottom” experiences at all.
Can hardship, shame or regret be good for our souls?
Maybe, if we handle them gingerly like tiny little jewels worth sitting with and quietly considering the value of them in the exchange for the mercy that’s waiting there.
Waiting, always for our timid and tender open minds
Open hearts.
Open hands.
“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16 ESV
A couple of weeks ago, a gallery employee commented on what she loved about a painting. She gave a detailed and thoughtful expression of why and I agreed with her, that I loved the same detail in the piece, in the colors.
I thanked her for going a little bit farther than necessary. Rather than just saying, “I like that one or that piece is nice.” she articulated in a way that gave power to the painting, even peace.
I told her I believe that’s a treasure, when a person notices something and expresses in words the evidence that you have been truly “seen and known”.
That’s a true gift to me. Something that sticks.
Just telling someone the truth you’ve observed.
“Angel Girl”
Yesterday, after the most beautiful walk with the music of Andrew Peterson to add to the mellow of me, I paused in the yard. I moved the withered pansies from the statue and I noticed the weathering of the cement, the spots brown from age and the places cracked by icy days or maybe summer heat.
I put the birds together, the dove and the cardinal, thinking stoic and a little unpredictable, a story I kinda love.
A Menagerie
As January invites, there are inventories I’m taking. Quietly considering where this journey should go, art and writing, writing and art.
For the life of me, I can’t bear to let one go.
More importantly, I don’t think God is telling me so.
Instead, I feel a different pull toward a different audience. So far, really just a handful of people who relate to what I feel is courageously honest in my painting and in my essays or posts.
I created an Instagram post to determine “my ideal client”. I asked a couple of questions as a way to go forward.
What would you like to see more of ?
I added photos of each, women/angels, landscapes and abstracts?
And this:
the most valuable question
I left it all there and the algorithm based traffic and responses were a bit of a tiny ripple.
On my walk, I thought about it all. About my tendency to only go just so far in connecting because of fear of not connecting, fear of rejection.
Fear of showing up and showing up prepared and yet, not being seen.
I thought of the wisdom of my children who are keen observers (often honest).
One saying “show up confident” and the other saying “don’t be negative when you talk about your art”.
Thought of the morsels of truth they add to the big barrel of not so true, just always realities of this work, this calling to “offer hope”.
I woke with clarity this morning as the sun gave my window a welcome glow.
I slept well and there was a redemptive arc forming in the story I’ve been telling myself.
I discovered more beauty in the words of others.
Words prompted by my IG question:
“You know what keeps me coming back? Your honesty! I enjoyed our brief talk at the She Speaks conference this summer. You have a very open and transparent way that makes it easy to relate and connect with you! I enjoy seeing the artwork (all different kinds) but I’m not a passionate lover of art. As someone who is struggling to find my own way in my own areas, I can however relate to the highs and lows that you openly share! I followed then out of curiosity about the work which you spoke about, but now I follow because I’ve really enjoyed seeing the winding road that is your journey. It is interesting to see your processes. As well as where the Lord might be moving in you next.”
Other comments were just as kind. An equal mix of people who like the mix of subjects I paint.
Interesting, so very.
The landscapes were referred to as “soulscapes”.
One comment suggested whatever I paint, continue to paint from the soul of me.
A couple more commented on the honesty in my sharing of my honest thoughts stemming from times I hear from God.
So Blue
Yesterday, I saw a friend at church, a fairly new one. We connected and hugged and she paused mid-sentence.
“Your eyes are so blue.” She said sweetly.
I smiled, told her I used to believe that, adding it’s been a while since I loved the blue.
She smiled.
I painted into the hours of dusk. A piece I put to the side, entitled “The Offering” was lacking a story I noticed.
It was dull.
I changed the position and posture of the figure, had her cradle the vase more gently and on a whim, her gown went from ivory to blue.
More confident and still quiet.
Still herself despite the critics or the questions of her own.
Strangely, I’ve never given the name “Quiet Confidence” to a painting.
She may be the one.
And while he was at Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he was reclining at table, a woman came with an alabaster flask of ointment of pure nard, very costly, and she broke the flask and poured it over his head. There were some who said to themselves indignantly, “Why was the ointment wasted like that? For this ointment could have been sold for more than three hundred denarii and given to the poor.”
And they scolded her.
For you always have the poor with you, and whenever you want, you can do good for them. But you will not always have me.
She has done what she could; she has anointed my body beforehand for burial. And truly, I say to you, wherever the gospel is proclaimed in the whole world,
what she has done will be told in memory of her.” Mark 14:3-5, 7-9 ESV
Maybe…no, surely that’s a word for us all.
Do confidently what you can. These choices and gifts will be told in memory of you.
If I could’ve driven on up the circular driveway and felt confident I hadn’t been seen on the Ring camera, I would’ve just timidly left.
I sat in church on Sunday next to a woman who invited me to join her women’s small group. The time of their gathering would work for me. The leader of the group, the host called me on Sunday afternoon just as I roused from a nap.
I have a history of not belonging, of being the poor girl in the too tight pants, of being the one longing to stay hidden.
I said yes.
And I sat in the dining room with other women discussing the study of the week.
I spoke up when I felt I had thoughts to contribute. I suppose it was okay.
We don’t talk much about this thing between “women of faith”, this thing of sizing one another up and being curious over what secrets the others hold.
I was welcomed.
And I will find the courage to believe I’ll be welcomed again next week.
Trying is a good thing.
A hard thing.
A brave thing. Women of faith, I’m afraid can be intimidatingly perfect in a sometimes beautiful, sometimes not so beautiful way.
we run away from our discomfort... but it doesn't leave us. to heal we need to turn around and face it, experience it and once we truly do we are out of it. We heal and we grow.
2 Timothy 1:7-8 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. This blog is about my Christian walk. Join me for the adventure.
Lisa Anne Tindal 