Waking up Gray and Wandering

Faith, family, Prayer, rest, Trust, wonder

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It’s a gray morning and only Tuesday.

I felt the foggy hue before I turned from the twisted covers to decide, “Get up, now.”

Made my way down the hall to discover Colt’s overnight task of removing the stuffing from his bed.

White fluffy puffs scattered in the mud room illuminated by laundry room light left on,  piles of unsorted clothes, jeans, T-shirts, belts, shoes, towels all mingled together, my appointment for tonight.

I flipped the light off, closed the door and walked towards coffee.

Sat with my journal, a defiant posture, huffy and discontent.

Barely said goodbye to my daughter as she turned to leave.

Caught myself, not soon enough though, glanced towards the fog outside and said “Be careful.”

Yesterday was a good day, Lord. Why this discontent today?

Why this cluttered and anxious mind?

Jotted a bullet list called “What am I stressing over?  Why this mood?”

Why do we long for more, for different when what we have is not just enough, it’s more than enough?

Why these empty and cluttered places I’m pondering today, places of a dissatisfied, wandering heart?

Places waiting to be filled to abundance, waiting to be the resting place of God. Places of uncluttered contentment, of abiding peace. Places we know mean rest.

Instead, I woke feeling like a 40 year desert wanderer, enmeshed with a  throng of disgruntled and dissatisfied seekers of more. Looking everywhere for better, all the while surrounded by goodness, manna raining down from God.

Oh, Lord, forgive my discontented selfish heart that tends to wander. Fix my eyes, heart and thoughts on you, I prayed.

O’ Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment You know where I am. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You both precede and follow me.  You place Your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know! Psalm 139:1-6

I move along in routine, grab the tennis ball delivered by Colt. Walk barefoot to accept the day, feet moist and covered in specks of green and straw brown pieces of nature. Trees, darkened by two days rain, leaves mottled and moist with season and damp. The plantings of summer allowed to wither, cold is coming anyway. Trees laced with thick complex webs with leaves caught within, layered, entrapped.

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The sky is a dull, almost porcelain gray and the cows from a field up the road, moan low and long in agreement.  I look for sunshine, tossing the tennis ball, intermittently praising its retrieval, a big happy dog content with “Good, boy, Colt.” then turn back towards the door, seeing more color, less gray.

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And then I pray,  Lord, forgive our discontent; remind us of your goodness and graciously embrace our wandering hearts.

I link up with Jennifer Dukes Lee every week. I have just read her latest post with a contented smile resting on my face. Her colorful story of our heavenly reunion she has dreamt of just excites me for today, for what’s to come, for living to radiate Jesus!  I encourage you to read this. It’s another gray day here, humid on this last September day. Click here and smile, assured of heaven.

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/the-unlikely-invitation-weve-all-been-waiting-for-tellhisstory/?utm_source=Blog+Subscribers&utm_campaign=b575b42722-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_90981b7d90-b575b42722-70727985

Walking under Pink Sky filtered in the Gray

courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Vulnerability

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Late summer days felt long last week.  I walked late in the evening, forcing myself to move, not sure I’d be better for it.  Two days with music and Colt, the humidity still as ugly and thick as sludge.  Returning home, up the curvy hill, feeling nothing more than well that’s done for today. Heavy, exhausted and thinking about way too much, my days ended that way early last week.

Then, on Thursday I walked alone.  It was even later than before and I was embraced so sweetly, feeling change in the air, a wispy cooler breeze.  My walk, more patterned, the sound of shoe firmly hitting pavement, tap the ground with toe, raise the heel, walk on Lisa, walk on.

I walked head up, glancing one side then the other encompassed by sky, cloud and treetop; I began to let go the piles of mental junk mail, recycling the good.

The sky is changing now with the season.  The blue is more azure, the clouds more shadowy gray and foreboding and just at the right time of day, a tapestry of a sweetly, subtle pink in contrasting texture.

And so, that evening I had space enough to ponder faithfulness, of God.20150902_200624-2

How every morning last week, the geese flew over our back yard when Colt and I were out. I’d stop to listen as they approached and say to myself “Here they come. ”  not in my voice, but my mama’s.  I was taken back to the dock and the  contentment of simple expectation fulfilled, of geese flying over a pond, a simple sameness, a faithfulness.

A gift every morning. God’s, the geese and mama’s gift to me.

I thought of how these last weeks, God kept me still and quiet and waiting.

Less adamant in my jumping ahead.

I sense God now, in this time of change, guiding me.

The things that troubled, somehow have become smaller, resolved or resolving.

I topped the hill on our curvy road and looked ahead, almost evening then.  I stopped and waited, hoping to prolong the view.  This view, a faithful sky, a sunset and the promise of a flock of geese in the morning.

Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
    your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Psalm 36:5

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Because, God is faithful.

Because God believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves.

Sovereign over us…all around us.

Thank you Jennifer!

Thank you Jennifer!

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/when-god-calls-you-to-do-something-crazy-go-ahead-and-do-it-tellhisstory/

Mornings and prayers, noticing God

courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

The crepe myrtles were slow to bloom this summer.

Every morning, I’ve been slower to begin my day,  to get to work.  I pause in parked car, linger a few minutes, praying something like. “Okay, Lord this is where you’ve placed, help me to give it my all.”

And then, I’d wait a few seconds more as I gazed towards the wiry branches of crepe myrtle tree, scattered with verdant green leaves, the morning sunbeams creating pattern and contrast.

The quiet beauty of sunlight on leaf, causing me to rest, to trust.

The sameness of my days, the waiting for bloom or the turning of leafaskfriend-9_kindlephoto-3415708

My prayers becoming more of listening than speaking

Of understanding more  than fulfillment of desire

Of acceptance of the one thing left hanging or waiting to see, the thorn remaining, yet not harming.

Reminding me of need to seek, to befriend the giver of grace sufficient and abundant.

My prayers have become more of listening with patience and a calmer anticipation. Waiting prayerfully, not for fulfillment of request, but for the relationship of God’s gentle embrace.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I am trusting you.  Psalm 143:3

The crepe myrtle that canopies my spot bloomed on Thursday. I stopped to look towards the sky, grabbed hold of a branch, bending it down to pick one for my desk.  The  beauty of waiting adorned my desk, little tissue paper type petals bunched together, a delicate reminder of God’s Sovereign and graceful hand.

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Later, I walked, the habitual end to my day. Closer to sundown than usual because of a hard and unexpected phone call.

I walked and I prayed, at peace.

Then, I noticed God. A crescent moon and a pink sky.

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God is in the details and the waiting. Don’t forget to notice.

I linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee.

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/keeping-the-faith-when-life-is-hard-tellhisstory/

Wisdom, Shoes and the Journey of Nevertheless

Children, courage, Faith, family, Motherhood, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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I phoned five different stores,  narrowed our possibilities down to two older downtown department stores and a place with a really funny name that sounded like nothing to do with shoes or military attire.

Just as well, no one answered the phone because I was a little confused about a shop claiming to sell desert boots but calling itself,  “Little Elves Shop”. The shoes he needed were needed soon, must be broken in, must meet specific requirements. I was thrilled to plan our shopping day, first stop, downtown and just across the river into Georgia.

Wrong!  This sprawling expanse of a dark and damp department store contained old clothes, old shoes and old men who explained that the shoes might be damaged because the roof fell in on the store a while back. Smushed flat shoes, corduroy pants with ridged cords thick like Brady Bunch bell bottom jeans and military jackets…pile upon pile. Crazy as it seems, I was hoping for the shoes. Maybe smushed shoes meant broken in. I was getting desperate.

We left, my son and I, shaking our heads but laughing. A shop across the street caught my eye, “Law Enforcement Command Center”. I crossed the street, pressed my face to the window, saw what might be the shoes and knocked on the door, a desperate mom in need of shoes for my college boy.  The store had closed five minutes earlier.

“Austin” I say,  “there’s one we can try. It’s called Little Elves Shop.” His face priceless, as I called and a gentleman answered.  Same story, new person  “I need shoes for my son. He’s going to The Citadel in August. I can’t find them anywhere!”  “Come on down” he said.  “I’ll help you out.”  So, of course we headed that way.

Weaving back streets,  a quiet little town with four wheelers and lawn mowers out for rides, we found the place, Little Elves Shop.  A sign warned us to drive slowly, a bump in the driveway in front of a tiny little shed with an  “Open, Come in”  sign beckoning us to enter. We both stood, unsure of the little shop. We were there and he said he could help, he said come on down. He was expecting us. We had to go in.

So, we did. Walked in and he perked up. He was a thin man,  small in stature and bent over slightly, he perked up and said, “Well, hello there! I thought I was tall but you are a some kinda tall, young man!”  My son is 6′ 5″. He gets this a lot. He endures it mostly.  He smiled as the owner scurried excitedly meandering through the racks of clothes to look for shoes in the tiny little military and memorabilia filled shop, jam packed with uniforms, shoes, jackets, boots and shoes.

He found the boots. They fit.  He sold us socks, Brasso, Kiwi shoe polish, shirt stays and a shoe shine kit. He would order the black military oxfords if we couldn’t find them, not patent, not corifam  (No, I had no idea what that meant).

But, in between and along the way, he imparted wisdom and Austin and I listened.

We heard of his small town high school days in the Beta Club. He was an only child, both parents disabled and yet he was selected to travel to Missouri. He had a good business head he told us, but was poor.  He had charm and a solid bit of good sense. He was, smart and was selected to travel in a competition nevertheless, he said.

He smiled and winked as he told Austin about the banquet after the awards. He said he found himself in an almost empty ballroom staring across the room at the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. He told my son, back in those days young men respected young women. You were never too forward.

He asked Austin, “What do you think I did?  Well, I had no choice but to walk right over and ask her to dance and we danced for hours.”

He told us he returned to the tiny town of Greenwood and she to her home, her daddy a wealthy businessman. He worked in a mill, his parents disabled, limited income. She wrote him he said, inviting him to her graduation. She told him her daddy wanted to meet him. His life would change. It could be his answer. It could have changed his life, he said.

“Nevertheless,” he said, “I got sick and couldn’t go.”   He came down with appendicitis and was close to death. The girl from the Midwest never wrote again.

And then he smiled, telling how for a time he dated five girls at once until two showed up at the same place and then, “Austin” he said, chuckling  “for five years I couldn’t pay a girl for a date.”

I imagined him handsome, confident, sharply dressed for dancing. I imagined the girl from the Midwest dressed in flowery pastel, dancing, swaying with the sweet Southern boy full of charm and  confidence.

Handsome and sure of himself.

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“Nevertheless, I  married the one of the five who said yes.  I call her my little bride.” he shook his head, smiling.

He got quiet then and talked of Vietnam and his shop helper, a veteran working with him and for him, handicapped by war, a struggling victim of PTSD. He told us of this soldier’s company. Of the deaths of men led by him, carried by him,  their fatally wounded bodies, he the only survivor.

“He can’t be around loud noises and he drifts off in thinking.

Nevertheless, he lived although his friends died.”

“War is bad, Austin,war is bad.”

“Nevertheless, it is a worthy and brave commitment.”

Then, the heaviness shifted and we, my son and I eased towards the exit, boots and various items in hand, plans to order the shoes.

He looked at my son and said, “You are a fine young man.”

I smiled, thanked him and we left.

We found the shoes the next day, the law enforcement uniform shop with courteous, efficient and ease of purchase staff.

Nevertheless, I called the little shop owner to say I found the shoes. He invited us back, me actually.

He has a back yard filled with flowers. He promised to help Austin and me dig up a few of a certain ones, moon flowers he called them.

“You can watch them bloom at night” he said. “Plant a few, they’ll make you smile when you’re missing your boy.”

I’m fascinated now with the idea and truth of “nevertheless”. It’s all through the Bible…the word, the idea of good in spite of, of grace and good from unexpected, from uncertainty.

Of things turning out for us despite us.

This time and this transition, this much to be prepared for challenge.

Empty nest, overflowing heart.

I am proud of you, son.

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This journey of faith

Of assurance.

Letting go, holding loosely, letting God.

Nevertheless, it’s a tough journey.

Shoes, boots and stories, nevertheless.

The little man from the Little Elves Shop called again.  He wanted me to know that each and every time Austin comes to mind, he’ll stop and pray. He wanted me to tell Austin this and told me again, “He’s a fine young man.”

“I had hoped to do business with you again.”

“Nevertheless, I enjoyed meeting you and Austin”, he added.

“Thank you”,  I said.

And knowing our shopping is done and my son will be dropped off with a quick and not so easy hug at The Citadel very soon

I may stop for a visit and some wisdom, by Little Elves Shop,  nevertheless.

Blog post # 163: Lisa-isms

courage, Faith, Motherhood, Prayer, Teaching, Trust, Vulnerability

This one, 1 of  “Oh my goodness,  163 blogs?” I’ve written  is really just for recording purposes,  nothing else. Maybe even for fun, a lighter commentary.

Even Abbie wants to know.

Even Abbie wants to know.

Not to see myself as any type expert or holder of unique wisdom, just because life becomes more clear when you’re approaching double nickels.

Another honest, surprisingly so grouping of words, my truth(s)

A place called Quiet Confidence, my place to simply write.

Nothing outlandishly famous, just me.

Posting, publishing for a few who might enjoy, might be curious, might find me odd.

A place of a blending of what my mama told me,  life taught me,  and what keeps proving to be the truth of my heart, spoken through my Bible and in my prayers.

The place of where God is saying,

“Stay here, you’re starting to get it, Lisa. I knew you’d stay longer this time. I knew you’d finally see yourself the way I do. Stay here, Lisa, there’s good here, for you and through you.”

So, Happy early Birthday, to me.  “Tell us how you feel, Lisa!”

  • People are people. God is God.
  • If someone asks you repeatedly if “you’re mad at them”, you probably are and they know it. You’ve just chosen the high road of overlooking their offense.
  • Nothing good comes by force…nothing. No thing!
  • Everyone comes to or returns to God through their own door.  Share your map, point the way, hold the door, they will enter.
  • If you mess up, say so. Repentance is a mighty powerful testimony.
  • Read your Bible…read it now before someone forbids its reading.
  • Call your mama. Call your daddy. I wish I could.
  • Pray without a script. Talk to God. 
  • Write notes and mail them. 
  • Drop what you’re doing, whatever you’re doing, to be with your child if you are asked.
  • Do things for your children they should by now on their own. Things like writing initials on socks pre-college to do’s or fixing a snack when the request is “fix me a surprise treat” because that’s what she liked when she was little.
  • Never ask a question you already know the answer to. That’s fishing for info and you’re either afraid or just plain nosy.
  • Ask God to show you “What you need to know and when and what to say if there is stuff to be said.”
  • Understand that your children are different and have many differences as they mature. Love both, defend neither, advocate equally. (Seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly. Be a peacemaker, they’re blessed.)
  • If someone says they are your friend, but you feel worse after being with or talking to them, depleted and defeated, made to feel less than…they are not your friend. 
  • If the song played at your wedding randomly comes on the radio, stop what you’re doing and embrace your sweaty husband sitting by the pool (Yes, Edwin McCain, “Could not Ask for More” just came on between an odd mix of  “Don’t Worry Be Happy” and “Your Lips Taste like Sangria ” 🙂 )
  • The best plans turn out to be the ones not made. (Thank you, Diana)
  • Do not put the confidence in others that should be in God. 
  • Pray before sleep. Pray before coffee. Pray before everything.
  • Every choice should be based on, “Will this keep me walking with God or will I be walking with something, someone else?”
  • Robert Frost was right about the roads. Experience the difference of the rarely taken road. 
  • Return to your roots. Walk the place of your rearing. For me, that’s tall pines, blue skies, dirt roads, birds singing, creek running.
  • Write because it nourishes your soul.

To be continued, most likely, God willing.

Losing and Finding

courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Vulnerability

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There’s so much to say, yet so little, so redundant a place I was in.

Has something ever turned out differently than what you thought or felt it should?  Have you ever found yourself in a place of taking responsibility for what you thought should be, but didn’t prove true?

Stubborn and bitter, holding on?  Calling it regret because somehow that seems better…like it’s still yours to hold onto and that must make it okay? At least it’s still mine to keep, this regret over different than, of can’t possibly be as good as what could have been.

So, we squeeze it tight, carry it, revisit it and sit with it.

Thoughts  rewinding to regret. A song of what if?  why not? what should I have done more or less of?  The song of remorse stuck on replay. An annoying song, aggravating and lingering, self-condemning.

I’d wake with a new song, a prayer. I’d carry it through my morning;  nevertheless, the ballad of bitterness was my chorus again by sundown.

Writing, at least journaling had become a habitual chore.  An every morning, new page pencil-marked with date list of the circling of why.

Most days countered with good, solid words of hope of motivational truths, verses and prayer.

Yet, that same list every day for a while now, letting go and coming back to the useless hard truth of regret.  Knowing God would not have me stuck in this bad place for as long as I had been and the two steps forward, five or six back surely had to pass…with time, acceptance, new perspective.

Vacation came and every single day I walked the path to our spot, this morning glory path, I named it. My feet sinking in a cushion of sand to be greeted by the open armed shore. Me,  still burdened with regret.

Seven full days, sitting shaded yet wrapped in,  absorbing and being absorbed by warmth of coastal summer.

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Feet and face pointed towards blue, grey, green water stirring up billows of crispy, frothy white. I sat staring, deciding to leave then beckoned by whoosh and whisper of waves, to gaze again for hours.

Recalling words from daily, jotted down prayers mixed with notes from sermons and songs  as I sat,  positioned just behind those I love, the young two and the one who yearns for sun, this season he adores.

Sitting,  no idea of the gift of this time. Remembering words recorded earlier from a sermon the Sunday before our trip.

Corresponding and correlating on this first full day in the sun.

Everything I have been given or have obtained is from God.

When God puts something in your hand, he puts it there with an open hand. If we hold too tightly, He will pry it from our hand.

I sat, facing the Atlantic ocean, opened my hand and let go.

 Let go the regret, as warm tears streamed behind sunglass shielded eyes. I sat, silent with open hand.

Hand open, clearly, finally resting.

Journaled then what I knew was my truth.

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  “Regrets are really nothing more than a hard truth, a place of clarity, and clarity is good. A place of now I understand and I can be better.

Now that I see regret as it is, a place to see my bitterness, my pride and self-condemnation I can be okay with the truth of my regret.”

On Wednesday, I walked with music for the first time, careless about the overuse of cellphone data. Walked on the beach instead of meandering streets with pretty, shingled houses.  I walked with intent and freedom.  Struck out on my own, no route, no plan.

Then this song, “What do I know of Holy?” and I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God. By the beauty of this walk on this day, this timing.

“What do I know of you who spoke me into motion? 

Where have I even stood but  the shore along your ocean?

What do I know of holy?” Addison Road

I guess I thought I had figured it all out. I loved to talk about how mighty to save my God was and my words, they had become just empty words on a page. I tried to hear from heaven, but I’d talk loud rants of doubt the whole time. I think I made you too small. I made me too big, my clinging to why not?  what if?

Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be.  Who you are, Holy.  The one who at the slightest hint has brought me down to my knees. The one whose wounds heal my shame, my regrets.

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And I knew of Holy, again.

I remembered you and I opened my hand again. Unwrapped my tightly fisted hand and let go regret.

Gave up what was not for me to hold

The thing I’d made so big

Opened my hand to a heaven blue sky, teary eyes more clear now.

Losing me and finding you.

 

Speaking in light and Proverbs

courage, Faith, praise, Prayer, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

There is much reason to be burdened lately.

Churches burning, rants, debates, threats of harm floating about, impending doom speculated for later this week.

Nine people murdered despite loving a lost and angry soul, loving just like Jesus did and does. I was and am still astounded by their faith, their witness, their legacies. The peace of Jesus shown bravely through the ones left behind in Charleston. Attempts to overshadow were stifled by love.   Then a decision made headlines on the issue of marriage. It worked its way into  our minds, a distraction and a call to question beliefs in God’s word or to  examine our faith. To find my thinking and resolve glaringly different than many. The challenge becomes walking in light, being light when it’s getting really dark all around,  trying hard to avoid ugliness and remain quietly confident,  yet desiring God, desiring to be light.

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I’m over halfway through my life and I’ve wandered in rebellious darkness, trapped by my choices and I’ve walked in light, obedient and trusting, basing all my choices on being close to Jesus, a place of peace. Offended by a comment expressing fear of Christians who interpret the Bible so literally, they become extremist killers of those who are not like-minded.  I was more than compelled to respond, yet waited and then took a breath, prayed asking God to help me explain why I believe His word:

“I am who I am because of my confidence in God’s word. I do my best every day to live out my faith in quiet confidence.  As a child, I experienced the fanatical teaching. I rejected it, came back, knowing it’s the best and safest place for me. I believe in loving others and I pray I would never be seen as a violent type individual in my stance. My desire and calling is to share when asked Why I believe God and His word. My story of a life obedient and trusting is not loud or harsh. It is a strong conviction,  though and may lead to much dispute. I know where my heart needs to be and I’ll stand strong and  confident, rejecting hate and knowing I’m not perfect but so much better when I walk with God…this is the way walk in it…following His voice.”

And now, the story of a wise woman who walks in light, restoring faith, speaking in wisdom-filled proverbs.

Grandma Susie has that light. She and I shared a strong, sweet hug in the grocery store last Saturday morning when I, with a heavy and worrisome heart needed relief,  there she was. She smiled, “Good to see you.”  I wonder if she knows she has a smile like a light, a warm light like the glow of a lamp in an empty house left on in your bedroom, welcoming you in after a long day. I wonder if she felt my heart, its light beaming with joy to see her.

Like the morning light after a heavy, sleepless night, determined and hopeful, we throw back the curtains, lift the blinds to welcome the bright possibilities  of a new day.

  I told her years ago, I feel like God sent her to me to fill in for my grandma.  Like an unexpected red bird,  Grandma Susie is a gentle reminder of faith despite circumstances and of love.

When I worked where Grandma Susie volunteers, she loved on me filling that void. She was firm in her love to the children there, demonstrating  love to build and cushion her strong and wise corrections.  I remember her as  “sharp as a tack”. She’d correct a child, then lean down and embrace them, speaking quiet words of explanation and encouragement long to be remembered.

In wisdom and love, as if to say:

My child, come and listen to me. Do as I say and you will have a good life. I will teach you  wisdom’s ways and lead you in straight paths, so take hold of my instructions; don’t let them go. Guard them for they are the key to life.  Proverbs 4:10-13

Wisdom

Wisdom

Grandma Susie makes me think of Solomon, wise sayings given with gentle conviction, Proverbs.

She speaks, her words linger, hold much weight. Grandma Susie, a modern day Solomon,  much like Corrie Ten Boom or Maya Angelou.

Grandma Susie is a beautiful woman. I’m always stunned by her unchanging face, her confident posture, surprised to see her after several years.

I told her again on Saturday,  just like years ago, how beautiful and kind she is. I asked her the secret to her beauty, unashamed embracing her in the produce section. “Is it water?”  “Plenty of sleep?”

Ever humble, she never answered, so  I asked

“It’s your heart and your faith, isn’t it?”

Then her face lit up and we were of one accord singing the same song, same chorus, the verses of our lives sustained by  our faith.

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And so we visited a little bit, planted ourselves in front of the bananas and got a little excited about our stories of faith.

She said, “Lisa, we got to feed our faith and starve our doubts.  Doubt spreads like cancer…spreads faster.”

“We have to guard our hearts! “ She said, as others turned to listen.

” Oh, I know, but we make it so hard ’cause we can’t see faith” I added.”We’ve got to stay on our knees and in the word,  keep it in our hearts.” she said. “We got to stop doubtin’, Lisa.  We just got to stop it from growing. We got to stop doubt from spreadin’.” she added with conviction.

Then we smiled, held hands and hugged good and strong before going our on ways, she glanced back smiled and nodded, firmly and with authority.

I paused, hating to see her go and smiled back,  uplifted by Grandma Susie’s love, light and wisdom.

 

I’m linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tellhisstory-when-youre-going-through-a-storm/

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Story of my Daddy’s Heart

Children, courage, Faith, family, Prayer, Vulnerability

I hadn’t noticed the puppy until now. I didn’t remember my daddy being the dog lover mama was. But, here we are.

Me, almost three with daddy and a puppy following along at our heels. I’m looking down and he must have been watching for roots to trip me up or something that might harm my tiny little feet. I keep this photo on my desk and I cling to the love it portrays, an image of his kind and quiet heart.

Walking by the water

Walking by the water

My daddy’s life was badly bruised by tragedy. His daddy was murdered by a black man over some sort of dispute, at the well drawing water. Daddy never spoke of this, I only know through stories saved for my grown-up ears. The knowledge of my daddy’s pain brought clarity and forgiveness for hurtful and scary words that would come easily when alcohol was salve for his wounds.

The story of my daddy’s heart is a timely story, an important story.

Mainly, for the children I love, grown or still small who need to know.

A story of a friendship between a white man and a black man.

Thomas, my daddy’s friend helped him when no one else would.

Thomas checked on my daddy, had long talks on lonely cold nights with my daddy and drove him home on many nights.

Stood by his friend through cancer and watched him, with us, become kinder and more humble each day. Every day spent in searching conversations centered on ammends making and making right of perceived wrongs.

Thomas and his wife, Mary cried at my daddy’s funeral and then stopped by to sit with, listen to my mama on lonely cold nights in her lonely country home.

Thomas fished in their pond, cut her knee high grass in summer.

Just checked on her, kept her going. And then, when my mama died, we gave Thomas and Mary her car.  They cared for my mama’s best friend, her dog, until it’s grieving and aging heart passed on too.

Thomas and daddy are together again, friends in Heaven.

Thomas was my daddy’s friend. Race didn’t matter. This is the story of my daddy’s heart and of his friend’s heart.

A Father’s Day story, a timely story

A story for a time like this, a time of tragic hate and young people who are both impressive and impressionable. Young people who are paying attention and are standing for something. Maybe deciding  between love or hate.

Choose love over hate.  Love like a Wednesday night prayer meeting prayer. An open heart, open door prayer for someone they thought just lost and seeking. A love shown, freely offered in light of and because of Jesus. A strong love like a mama taught a son. A son who lost his mama at a Wednesday night prayer meeting in Charleston.

For the ones I love, a story you need to know

For the ones I love, a story you need to know

“Love is always stronger than hate.”

Chris Singleton, son of Sharonda Singleton

 

 

 

Finding feathers again

courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

I almost stopped noticing feathers, red birds and coins.

A callous remark meant to be fun was hurtful.

“How will you survive your son, your “baby” going to college?”

My answer,  not quite as mournful as the question..  “Oh, I don’t know.”  was met reply…”You’ll be fine, just go find a feather.”

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So,  I almost stopped noticing.

I walked the Saturday evening after seeing the accident with a little boy injured frighteningly bad. I thought of the posture of my prayer that day and the unashamed plea for life. I recalled the scene of imploringly requesting mercy, the prayer, unashamed, uninhibited.

I remembered as I walked, the sweet story of a white dove on the walking trail. The dove my daughter and her fiance had greet them a few days in a row before that Saturday.

Before that Saturday afternoon beside the road with a little boy.

Peace, a dove, calmly preparing the heart.

And as I walked and prayed God’s will, God’s glory, not mine

I noticed, shiny, glistening, amongst flattened leaves and straw

A silver, beaten up old dime.

And I remembered that finding a dime is symbolic of grace and assurance as if to say, ” It will be alright. You are seen. You are loved.”

“You are remembered.”

And so, I am noticing God again.

Red birds flitting by.  Clouds bordered by pink.  Big pretty full or skinny crescent moons.  Lyrics that stop my busyness, speak perfectly, clearly.

Parallels in prayer, in thought, in scripture recited, journaled, offered up to a friend and then recalled, repeated, reminded by another.

My friend,  John stopped by and we talked about a funeral.

The music.  Piano, clear and consulate. The message. The presence of God, of love.

He had noticed too. So, I shared my  words recorded earlier:

A few weeks ago, a friend who happens to be an employee lost her husband unexpectedly.  She was in shock and heartbroken, physically ill.  In our embrace, I reminded her of her strength, her courage and her faith.  “You are strong.” I told her.  “Still, it will be hard.” 

Through the evening and into the following day, I texted her to check in, each time reminding her that I was praying for her. I recalled a promise from God’s word and I simply texted her   “My prayer for you is that you are keenly aware of the peace of God…the peace that surpasses all understanding.”   Thinking back now, I know that verse was brought to mind by God, for my friend. Without knowing the exact verse or its context, these few words came to mind for my friend.

While not nearly sufficient to ease her pain, I’ve thought since how appropriate these words were for my friend her world spinning and she, in shock. The passing of her husband on a typical Thursday morning, something she could not understand. And I thought  “How amazing is our God that he knows there will be tragedies we can’t fathom or understand?”

We are not expected to understand.

Our lack of understanding confounds us, troubles us, and grieves us. His command, His promise, “Rest in my peace. It surpasses your bewilderment and grief.”

I attended the funeral service for my friend’s husband. The music enveloped me as I sat accompanied by a few women who live in our shelter and one other friend.

We were such a contrast, lining that pew,  I’m sure to most people.

Young women, older women, and a sharply dressed professional and member of our board of directors, we lined one of the pews. All of us there as friends together loving our friend through her loss.

The minister welcomed us with a prayer and all joined in singing Amazing Grace.  My board member and friend, the definition of a gentleman, sat on my right and a pregnant and homeless young woman, a resident of our shelter on my left. The gentleman, a crisp navy suit; the young soon to be mother, having no dresses wore a pair of denim capris, a maternity top and a bright scarf she later told me with a big smile she added to give “a pop of color”.

We sang together.  We blended beautifully.

We sang Amazing Grace as if we’d all been singing in the same little church choir for years. By the third verse, I found myself in tears over the beauty of this grace, this peaceful worship.

The minister spoke from Philippians, Chapter 4. He spoke of the pain of death. He spoke of grief and of the hope of heaven. Then, he closed with verse seven:

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:7

   Quietly, I closed my eyes then and thanked God for His words and His lyrics, our Amazing God, our God who longs to be noticed.

 I  am noticing again.  How can I not?

My friend, now a widow returned to work at our shelter.

A very young new mom and precious newborn baby girl, anticipating her return. A child, a mama, an older wise lady.

A young woman, burdened by mistakes but believing in good

And a front porch fern with open mouthed, frantically happy birds

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Saying “Begin again”.

Finding feathers and noticing God. We begin again.

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee, sharing, learning, being brave.

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Thank you Jennifer!