grace

On Self and Suffering

Abuse Survivor, bravery, confidence, courage, Faith, family, fear, grace, grandchildren, hope, memoir, mercy, Peace, Redemption, rest, Salvation, testimony, Truth, Vulnerability, waiting, walking, wonder, writing

December always makes me remember Merle Haggard, the hope of makin’ it until then and the days being brighter days once we’re there.

Yesterday, I thought of six words that I could call my December memoir.

Not a finish

A clearer path

There are places in the country I won’t walk with the babies.

Surprising, I guess because I’m sort of a rebel when it comes to strikin’ out on a walk.

“I’ll figure it out!” I’m known to announce.

I have memories of the year I lived with my mama and daddy, a period of seeking wellness from self-destructive eating.

I can’t tell you how many miles it was…

the circle of dirt road that began at my grandma’s house, through the peanut field, past the creek, up the hill, past the “shack”, past the farmer who wanted to date me’s house, through the weeds, around the curve to the lake where the rough people lived and past my Aunt Marie’s to be back home again.

It was way too far for a woman, young and with a reputation, to walk alone.

I was thin. I was lost. I was lonely.

Thinking back, it wasn’t health I was seeking, it was simply more self-destruction.

Trying to have my life match what I decided it was worth…not much at all.

That’s a hard pill to acknowledge. This meandering search I’ve sought, mostly taught, some stubbornly chosen.

“Self-destruction is an addictive behavior.” Rita Springer

I heard this truth last week.

And I’m kinda blown away by the resonance.

The truth that it’s not one specific or stereotypically thought addictive behavior that is addictive. Instead, it’s any and all of our choices and responses to life and our people and places in life, that lead us to this well worn and not so safe path.

I made a list. I love a list.

A list with words that may either seem too normal, not destructive or may seem like they aren’t choices that can become addictive, intentional choices we continue that are self-destructive.

I suppose I should soften this…no one wants to be told they are “self-destructive”.

How about behaviors that aren’t good for our bodies and souls?

Choices that don’t cherish the truth that our bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit. Paul doesn’t sound too positive when he warns us.

But, have you ever noticed that he begins and ends his letters with a prayer that we’d all have the knowledge of God’s grace, His love?

“Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬-‭17‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Not so soft a warning, I thought.

So, back to the list, maybe an inventory year end of subtle and not so subtle self-destructive behaviors.

I chose a different header, kinder wording.

I chose

“What is NOT giving you quiet confidence and strength in God, in your choices these days?”

Accepting unkindness (abuse) in relationships

Taking on too much to please others and thereby determine your worth

Bad health, diet habits

Too much looking for good on a phone

Procrastination in regards to God’s nudges

Habitual time with God without reverence, sort of rote

Junk TV that takes my focus on God in me and puts it on the crazy or interesting lives of others (I love reality TV)

Clutter (mental and otherwise)

How are these self-destructive? Mostly because they have a tendency of putting God’s voice on “mute” in my daily life.

So, how do we move through our days, through December with a hope for the coming days.

I’m learning there’s one more important thing.

See suffering as fellowship with Jesus.

You may have heard all things are worked for good and you might have actually known people who say so.

But, do we really believe that they believe this?

Paul wrote about this fellowship.

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,”


‭‭Philippians‬ ‭3‬:‭8‬-‭10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Suffering has its gift.

Faith not in ourselves but in Christ

Sharing in His sufferings.

Becoming Christlike, a privilege really, not hardship (?)

That’s hard, not easy.

I’m not great at this. I avoid suffering with a well learned and established skill to be hyper vigilant.

Yesterday, baby Henry wanted to walk, not be strolled. He burst forward on toddling feet in socks, not shoes on the rocky path.

In the distance, a black thread laced across the path. I stood and watched, turned the baby back towards home and turned him back again. He was intent on forward, moving steady down the path.

The dog didn’t bark. The black snake made its way into the brush.

And we lingered and walked slowly in a rhythm of walking away from home and then turning back to home.

There was no need to hurry.

No need to fear. We were safe.

God was near.

There was no fight to be fought, nothing but us and the breeze and wide blue sky above us, God enveloping us and our faith in His ever present love.

“When we wrap the language of war around our suffering, it becomes a battle to be won rather than our experiences to be processed.” Katherine Wolf

I’ve never been good at fighting, only at sullenly retreating.

We weren’t made to fight, only to be faithful.

“For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”

But you were unwilling, and you said, “No! We will flee upon horses”; therefore you shall flee away; and, “We will ride upon swift steeds”; therefore your pursuers shall be swift. A thousand shall flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you shall flee, till you are left like a flagstaff on the top of a mountain, like a signal on a hill.

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭30‬:‭15‬-‭18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

In quiet confidence is your strength.

Continue and believe.

You are loved.

Angels and Change, Maybe

Angels, Art, confidence, courage, creativity, curiousity, Faith, family, grace, memoir, Redemption, writing

A grouping of small paintings of Christmas angels, a collection called “Peace on Earth” is now available through The Scouted Studio.

You can view all of the pieces and shop here:

The Scouted Studio

And now, about the possible change. I’m motivated to write with more intention. I’ve gotten a bit lazy in all things purposeful as far as writing.

I’d love to have a more thoughtful and strategic way of connecting with those who relate to my voice, my story, my content.

Writing or blogging friends…thinking of moving my writing from WordPress to Substack. Any advice or experience? Also, has anyone saved their WordPress blogposts as a document to keep or possibly use for future publishing?

I need to make a choice very soon…renew here or start new on Substack.

Comments welcome!

Certainly

Abuse Survivor, aging, confidence, contentment, courage, Faith, fear, grace, Holy Spirit, hope, memoir, mercy, patience, Peace, Redemption, Trust, Vulnerability, wisdom, writing

I’m reading a book my sister recommended and thinking there was a time I would never have read it.

A struggle between good and evil would’ve decidedly led to me deciding it was evil and putting it on the shelf, washing my hands of it.

The author can’t decide whether she believes God exists.

It wouldn’t be hatred of her or even judgment that would’ve have led to my banning of her book, of her.

It would be a tangible fear, a fear that the thoughts and questions of another might somehow taint my mind, lead me forever astray.

I might “be in trouble”.

You see, there are choices embedded in me, pounded into my head and heart by the angry preacher yelling at me, a chubby adolescent, an intimidated child who just wanted to belong.

To be safe and loved.

And learned to believe that according to God, to belong meant finding wrong in others, telling them about their sin and then never ever associating with such a person.

That’s why I still have this fear that a writer or just a person different than me, might somehow have the special powers to lure me, change me, make me unacceptable to God.

To be unlovable.

I think often of how this fear of being not faith filled enough, about being certain of being right and all the others wrong

Kinda caused me to make some unkind conclusions about others.

To utter unkind words.

Thinking their faith was false when I had no idea or evidence of such.

It was just a response that came from a mark left on a little girl.

Girl becoming a woman seeking perfection to avoid shame, girl becoming woman who waited to be condemned, never comforted.

Girl becoming a woman who always felt but only recently told God so…

“I feel like you’re punishing me, God.”

A woman with a tear soaked face who rose from the floor better for telling God so.

Sensing Him say, “I knew you felt that way, now you’re feeling better already because you weren’t afraid to tell me.”

And that feeling was very certain. God, you love me after all.

The author, Kelly Corrigan in her chapter of her book “Tell Me More” explores the simple response, “I don’t know.”

And it’s an honest choice she expresses.

A private one too.

I’m certain of God’s love. I have more reasons than that memoir idea I keep dancing around would have space for.

I do believe.

It’s a choice and on questioning days I ask God with raw honesty, the questions I used to believe I’d go straight to Hell for even having.

My faith is a winding path, has been mostly.

But, I’m beginning to notice with certainty that the path is becoming more simple, more solid, more sure.

And I’m certain that straightaway road has come in gradual honesty, brave questions and a settled stillness to open my heart and mind, no longer afraid to wonder.

Continue and believe.

Your life, every bit of it is your teacher, your listening and patient guide.

You are loved.

31 days of good things

aging, anxiety, bravery, courage, Faith, family, grace, jubilee, Redemption, Stillness, Vulnerability, wisdom

Day 31 – Trying

If I could’ve driven on up the circular driveway and felt confident I hadn’t been seen on the Ring camera, I would’ve just timidly left.

I sat in church on Sunday next to a woman who invited me to join her women’s small group. The time of their gathering would work for me. The leader of the group, the host called me on Sunday afternoon just as I roused from a nap.

I have a history of not belonging, of being the poor girl in the too tight pants, of being the one longing to stay hidden.

I said yes.

And I sat in the dining room with other women discussing the study of the week.

I spoke up when I felt I had thoughts to contribute. I suppose it was okay.

We don’t talk much about this thing between “women of faith”, this thing of sizing one another up and being curious over what secrets the others hold.

I was welcomed.

And I will find the courage to believe I’ll be welcomed again next week.

Trying is a good thing.

A hard thing.

A brave thing. Women of faith, I’m afraid can be intimidatingly perfect in a sometimes beautiful, sometimes not so beautiful way.

I’ll keep trying.

I won’t hide the colors of my Bible.

I’ll be tender and careful over who sees them.

Happy November tomorrow.

I likely won’t be writing every day.

31 Days of Good Things

Abuse Survivor, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, Peace, Prayer, Redemption, Vulnerability, writing

Day 29 – Mercy

I’m giving myself mercy today because I can’t think of anything original or feel like really stringing words together that may be witty or cause one to pause and think.

I keep thinking about Matthew Perry. I know, I know. I don’t know him and he’s a celebrity.

But, I keep wondering if his drowning was intentional or if he passed out from drinking or drugs which would mean he’d fallen backwards

maybe again.

I walked and wondered if it was shame over a slip up that led to him falling too far to get back up.

I wondered about shame in general as I willed myself to get up from my painting desk to get fresh air.

To exhale, inhale, notice life on a solitary close to dark walk.

I thought about shame. I wondered if it can make you ill, physically ill.

I walked on, quietly.

Talked to God in my mind.

Took the long way back home

And saw a dove perched on the street sign on the corner.

And I don’t know why,

It made me think of mercy.

A bird sitting contentedly.

Expectantly.

Mercy that never relents, never let’s go.

Remember this good thing today.

Mercy remains.

Give yourself some grace and mercy today.

You’re not too far gone.

31 days of good things

confidence, creativity, grace, happy, jubilee, memoir, Redemption, walking, wonder

Day 27 – Music

I scrolled through my podcast offerings needing an accompaniment for my walk.

A walk that would serve to settle me and unravel anxiety before I paint “live” a little later.

I chose music instead and I chose Sandra McCracken.

Her voice reminds me of the music my parents, especially my daddy loved.

She’s a little Loretta Lynn and a little bit Patsy Cline, softer versions of both and yet a voice that’s strong.

When you think of music, what are your memories?

When I hear Edwin McCain, I remember our wedding day. (Edwin McCain is so good in concert, btw).

When I remember my newfound strength as a single mother, it’s Sheryl Crow.

In my car is a burned CD compiled by my daughter. In sharpie letters, it’s marked, “Mama’s Michelob Mix”. Miranda Lambert type vibes when I needed to be a little more free.

If I hear James Taylor, I remember my son as a middle school baseball player. We were on a country road together and he sang along to “You’ve Got A Friend” with me.

Nowadays, I’m listening to Lauren Daigle, Chris Renzema and Steffany Gretzinger.

And Alison, always Alison Krauss.

Sing, it’s good for the soul.

Who needs more advice on being your best self anyway?

“Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭105‬:‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

31 days of good things

Angels, birds, bravery, contentment, courage, Faith, family, grace, grandchildren, happy, hope, Peace, praise, Redemption, rest, Vulnerability, wonder, worship

Day 13 – Geese and Scones

Talk is swirling, bad things are coming, violence and threats and better be prepared warnings.

Friday the 13th. A day I used to dread for other reasons, a few of them evidence of crises that in looking back weren’t just on a day with a horror movie predictability.

Horrible things don’t only happen on days called 13.

So, I avoid the warnings.

I pay attention to other occurrences.

The geese just flew over. My mind went to my mama’s voice, no more and no less than a simple acknowledgement to me as a girl and later my children,

“Here they come.”

So, day 13 of the 31 days of taking account of good things is celebrated not with an egg, no bread. Instead, a cranberry orange scone, buttery.

Yesterday, I listened to a conversation about worship music, more about worship than songs.

I learned that worship is not me standing side by side in an auditorium with a stage lit by changing colored lights.

Worship is not necessarily outward celebratory gratitude or praise.

It can be quite the opposite.

Worship is the tears that come when someone shared a kindness or the tears that come when someone is honest about their fears and their eyes begin to glisten, a mirror of mine.

Worship is me sitting in my mamas chair and honoring her and my God by settling my self for barely a few seconds to simply listen.

The geese noticed.

Noticing God.

And worship is me opening my hand, always the right one and saying countless times a day,

I surrender all and all is well.

And worship is the allowance of good things, rather than constant critical condemnation.

A cranberry orange scone for breakfast.

How will you worship in small ways today?

Yesterday, I was surprised by generosity. Someone purchasing art as gifts for others.

Twice in a day this happened.

I gave the giver of gifts a hug, got in my car and she in hers and I sat for a second and I smiled and shook my head in a questioning of such goodness kind of way.

And I said tenderly in a worshipful whisper,

“What a day, all this goodness, thank you, thank you God.

Once again, you’ve surprised me, wow.”

Continue and believe.

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭4‬:‭16‬ ‭ESV‬‬

God is near. He knows you so very well.

God is good.

May you fully know this.

31 days of good

Abuse Survivor, Art, confidence, contentment, courage, creativity, Faith, grace, hope, jubilee, memoir, Peace, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Salvation, self-portrait, testimony, Trust, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder, writing

Day 12 – Doodling

Most of my life I’ve been nurtured by the pencil in hand, a piece of paper, a margin that invites.

Art sustains me.

A wise Dr. and author, Curt Thompson reminds often of attachment that we as children needed to be “seen, safe, soothed and secure” and that need is innate. We will always be in pursuit.

Embraced By Grace

Interestingly, adding color to paper and hinting at an emotion are when I feel these needs are known most and met.

How about you?

Is it art?

Music?

Prayer?

or something else.

I hope you know this “withness with God” often.

You are loved.

Even if the child in you lacked one of the “s”’s.

She’s still there, self-aware, surrendered and seeking solace in the sweet places she’s found herself

Seen, soothed, safe and secure.

Continue and believe.

31 days of good

contentment, courage, Faith, grace, hope, love, patience, Peace, Redemption, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder

Day 6 – Sunrise

Surprised by a sky striped pink on an unnecessarily early rising morning.

Coffee in hand, I tiptoed out into the misty air and watched it change, go away, fade just as quickly as I glimpsed it and decided to chase it, keep it somehow longer.

Just a moment, a moment later and I’d have missed it completely.

Cherish some small quickly fading thing today.

Like the splendor of a sunrise, the wisdom of an ancient “preacher”, the author of Ecclesiastes.

“Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭9‬:‭11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

31 days of good

Art, contentment, creativity, Faith, grace, hope, mixed media painting, painting, Redemption, rest, Trust, Vulnerability, wisdom

Day 5 – Soft Color, Soft Words

I played with oils and then wiped the paint off. I erased the thick blocks of color and decided against dark hues.

I rediscovered the wisdom and woes of Solomon, the writer of Ecclesiastes.

Wisdom, woe, striving, resting, racing…a worrisome road.

I loved one verse about the flow of water, the destination the ocean.

I considered how we don’t fear the overflow, the break of dam, the flooding of our land because of the ocean.

I decided I could never understand this, only love it.

Live it,embrace it.

The truth of Ecclesiastes, of a painting softened by worn down pastel.

I’m thinking now of my friend.

Her kind instruction.

Paint for pleasure. Paint for you.

Flow.

“All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there they flow again.”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭1‬:‭7‬ ‭ESV