courage

Telling Myself a Story

bravery, courage, Faith, mercy, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

Summer is turning blooms brittle, the beauty fading and soon, Autumn will scatter all about the fullness of planted and grown, the seeds made complete.

Every day has been a day closer to surrender of my dream, the seed planted I know for sure in the soil of my soul.

Until I remembered what I’d written, a very long time ago, a note in the back of a book.

A declaration on the back page, why out of nowhere I remembered, no clue.

I was quiet, must have been the getting quiet, finally.

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life…I Thessalonians 4:11

And the idea that’s pending completion had not been thought of back then, not at all.

I’ve circled ’round and ’round asking how, what, when to begin and keep going and what direction to take.

Blamed it on time, less than the best of computers and distractions welcome and otherwise.

Circling around chasing my tail, looking behind not ahead nor even now.

But, last night I decided it will be letters, the chapters I write, a manuscript made book by letters.

Because I thought of it and breathed an all alone and audible, “oh, yes, yes”.

And I decided they’ll be brave and true, the chapters.

But, not too, too hard to read.

And I’ll know this because if I can hardly handle the words that tell my story, it will surely be misery, laborious for another to read.

Yes, I’ve decided that and feel quite “writerly” in the decision.

I will write, honorable and honoring tributes to the ones I’ve called the “colors of my Bible”, women who loved me, still do.

I’d been so critical, calling myself lazy, a failure and then last night, driving home towards orange horizon, remembered the note in the back of a book I read every single morning.

If I could write a letter to them, the ones who remember, it would be about how God has changed me, saved, me kept me. I’d want them all to know and that would be my book. Me 8/1/13

And almost two years ago this idea I call my “treasure” began with a letter.

Surely, I believe it should continue just the same.

 

Linking up with other storytellers…Telling His Story.

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/put-dukes-happiness-hard-find/

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Today, a Good Day

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, Prayer, rest, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Today, someone stopped by and assured me she’s doing every day what I told her to do.

Just take the next step, look for something good every day.

“That’s why I keep doing it because you said so.”

Another friend suggested I begin to place value on my art, described me as emerging.

What a hopeful word.

Still another commented, “It’s good your children have you as their mother, so in tune with them”

She was genuine, her words spilling over. I held them close to my chest, still am.

I saw a high school friend of my daughter’s, her face beaming beauty, and answered when asked about my girl “She’s the same as you, so in love, it’s evident” and she smiled a smile I know her mama loves to see like me.

My age was disputed by a happy young woman at the grocery checkout, no way you could qualify for the senior discount.

I walked today, music in my ears, swiftly and with a passion.

Not pressing, pushing, I’m so much stronger now.

Back again to the place of being amazed by the sky and the places where the clouds hang majestic until I turn my corner home to notice the going down pale pink in the pines, end of day.

I’d not forgotten the good, had just not remembered the joy in keeping account of the day.

Until she stopped by to see me and we both remembered.

“I’m praying God brings something good to you today, so good, impossible not to notice.”

“For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

It was good, today a good day.

View from Above

bravery, courage, Faith, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

Less than a few days ago, I read about the meaning of the times that wake us up from sleep. The 3:00 a.m to 4:00 or 5 is symbolic of a word, a message, a spiritual point needing our attention.

God is speaking, His view, from above.

This morning I dreamt of a deep and grey, muddy ocean, the water becoming wider and the shore, a distant angle I couldn’t decide how I’d reach, why it continued to grow more narrow.

I stood searching, one side and the other, the space before me and all around and I wondered might I finally drown.

Instead, I began to swim.

I rose up heavy because of Saturday morning and prayed bedside;

“God, help me pay attention today.”

Because like Samuel as a child, I question whether it’s you.

“So he said to Samuel, “Go and lie down again, and if someone calls again, say, ‘Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.”

‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭3:9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

My morning dream, a deep ocean, an elusive shore, deciding to swim.

Linking up with other writers prompted by the word “Speak”

Stronger for Trying

Abuse Survivor, bravery, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, praise, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Vulnerability, wonder

I’ve committed to this. I told someone today, it’s more my soul than my body.

My body has changed, but it’s not that change that’s changed me.

It’s the change of after that causes me to anticipate the again.

My drive home, regardless of the sky, signals new and good and strong, stronger.

Every single time, I’m better from going. The challenge, the release of good and serene, the sense of building new from brought down, old and low.

At the end of a long day, the fourth day not Friday yet, a whole lot of unexpectedness coupled with not sure how to respond and missing information along with misinformed.

In the work of helping others, things come to light, gradually unexpected, we learn more as we go.

We press on. We know there are some chances to intervene and there are some doors slammed hard shut.

There are those who see we care, there are those who decide we don’t because it’s easier to blame us than look closely at themselves.

So, workday ends.

I change into workout clothes.

I walk in hesitant, small group of us, we laugh. We engage. I’m better gradually.

Stronger as I go, laughter over my strength from another.

Weights lifted, challenges met and gone through again, less afraid.

A small community I’ve been allowed to join.

And stronger now.

Have Mercy

Abuse Survivor, bravery, courage, Faith, family, grace, mercy, praise, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

Today would have been Day 4 of my 40 day fast from social media, if I’d stuck with the grand plan, the idea to step up my game while freeing my mind and being able to say “Oh, I’m fasting from Facebook.”

Which I imagined would have been followed by, “Oh, wows” and wonder why’s and possibly edge of the seat waiting to hear how I’d come to this decision.

And I’d anticipated how some great and flowery after the fast enlightenment would result from 40 days without following and even more anticipated how people would be waiting to hear and consider a fast themselves.

Wow.

Lord, have mercy.

Oh, my goodness…”too much Lisa!”

Yeah, I did that, recognized it, thank you Lord, and then shifted my focus to how I might navigate the days and how they might make more narrow my wide and distracted path.

I’d not be seeing all the people selling all sorts of things to better me, convincing me to try something amazing.

I’d not be bogged down by information overload about the glasses I need to look at the sun and oh, I better make plans, everybody’s doing something somewhere.

I’d not feel different from most in that I’m not anticipating the eclipse; but, am more quietly considering spending the couple of moments in a quiet place at home.

I’d have been able to avoid the commentaries, people taking sides, analyzing, criticizing, sneering and opportunists seeking a place to expound their opinions.

But, I’d have missed out on the good words and goodness of people asking for goodness from others and for that I’d have been sorry.

Because I did that,

Said, “I’m sorry about Charlottesville.”

Acknowledged I could never fully understand and we embraced, both of us nodding, holding our hands up to heaven.

I believe she believes me because we’ve left it at that.

I digress, though.

Last week, I  was captivated by the idea. I announced that I’d be fasting soon, had calculated the days and I’d abstain from social media and two other distractions that I’d decided were dulling my sense of God.

And I was right, five days later…I am able to do without those things, discipline and moderation are refreshing, almost

effortless.

But, social media, I’ve decided not to abandon or restrain.

The reason? Wise words from women.  One, my daughter, one, my cousin and the others, two sisters. One said, “Oh, that’s trendy, everybody does that!”  The other, surprised me. She paused, leaned back in her cushy armchair and said…”You need to pray about this, I’ve been reading your words every morning…you’ll have to figure this out.” So, I replied that I’d just limit myself, maybe just post my thoughts about faith and God and things I’m being shown in the mornings, nothing else all day, leave it alone.

She again said, “You are going to need to pray about this, I just don’t know.”

“Okay, I will.” I said, confused and two days later sat in my morning spot and as clarity does, it came slowly, rested with me there a bit, making sure I gathered up its message.

 

The thing is, I opened my Bible to the Book of Luke. The first day, I refreshed my memory of Luke and his take on the life of Jesus. I read the first chapter.  I noticed the tone, a more gentle approach, the opening lines more of a beckon to read than a command.

“It seemed good to me also, having followed all things closely for some time past, to write an orderly account for you…” Luke‬ ‭1:3‬ ‭ESV‬‬

So, I continued to read and revisited again the two sisters, Martha and Mary.

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 ESV

I read of Martha’s frustration and her pointing out her efforts, her preparation and her lack of help to Jesus.

I’ve been searching; but, can’t find an answer. Did they know that Jesus was coming and bringing along the disciples?

How much time did she have to get the house ready, maybe cook a meal?

The last time I had company coming, a first time ever I’m excited to have person, I took a day off from work. There were linens to wash, little flowers to put in tiny vases, carpets vacuumed, dusting done, options for meals and pillows fluffed.

Making the best of what I had to welcome someone. I was worried we might not have a home good enough to impress her, to hopefully have her return.

I had the whole house to myself, me and the dogs, I was a flurry of stress and striving, driven to perfection, to making an impression.

I believe Martha was feeling this way.

I imagine she lost her sense of composure, her efforts trying to impress this visitor everyone had been talking about and she demanded to know why she didn’t matter…why is it that you’ve not noticed me? I imagine her, hands on her hips, her sister oblivious.

She was a mixture of keeping tabs and keeping up. Everyone a measurement of her value, every effort an opportunity to be satisfied with self, a contrast in diligent servant and frustrated martyr. She was disappointed, but oh so very determined in her display.

She wanted to be enough.

I understand.

And while Mary sat at the feet of Jesus, listening, Martha made sure He knew, to be certain He noticed all she’d been doing.

So, I abandoned the grand plan of the 40 days without Facebook.

We’d talked about the giving up of things, my cousin and I, of striving in our focus, of being more disciplined, of denial of any and all in hopes we might be a little better.

I listened as she explained what she believes and is learning.

We punish ourselves hoping finally, deprivation will lead to acceptance, to acceptance of the love of Jesus.

Her words I stored up. I can’t remember exactly; oh, I wish I could, because it took root, the truth grew and changed my mind, her words, my thoughts of them.

What I do to make up for before does nothing more than validate my shame, my guilt, my doubt.

My efforts only keep me where I believe I must stay, never stronger, only shrinking back to the place I feel most comfortable and guilty.

Grace is not punitive, doesn’t sit waiting for a show, never demands evidence of its due.

 

Grace, the grace of Jesus just shows up and stays, hopes we will rest a while in its presence.

Mercy, the mercy of Jesus reminds us to choose the better and gives us time to see it as better.

Love, the love of Jesus accepts our anxious ways, beckons us to linger, cares little about perfection and looks beyond our imperfections, and notices even less our idea of perfection so that it can show us the way.

The one who told me to pray called today.  I told her, “Oh, I’m not doing the fast. I was looking for affirmation, attention, I was hoping to be a bright and shiny blogger girl who could boast of her accomplishment. I was hoping to be good enough not to go unnoticed.”

To which she replied, languishing in wise southern cousin Peacock way…”Good, good, Oh, that’s good, oh…”

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee at Tell His Story…read about a beautiful mission here: http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tell-his-story/

 

Talking About Georgia

Abuse Survivor, bravery, courage, Faith, family, grace, marriage, mercy, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

Last night he asked, "I took you from your home, didn't I?"

And I waited for my words to form.

Answered, a soft sigh, "Yeah."

But, my answer was slow in coming because I thought of all the good in this place.

And I was happy to be asked, to have Georgia remembered.

Driving home from boot camp, I'd stretched myself even more, things like planks, crunches and mostly the people around watching me try had worn me out.

The sun was setting as I turned up the hill that meets sharp curve and the sky a mixture of dark and light after a rain.

I decided, the sky was God to me and God, the sky.

I glance upwards often, it has become my place to remember where I began.

I begin each morning in the same spot. My journal in my lap, pretty pencil in my hand.

Everyday, the prayer of Jabez, the one I've seen answered. That God would bless me indeed, enlarge my borders and keep His hand on me so that I not be in pain.

Then, I read and I think and add penciled prayers to pages.

Today,

Father, thank you for mornings.

For not giving up on me.

For making me fearfully and wonderfully and for calling me towards you so that I every day I'm beginning to know surely and more fully and more well the way you made me for this time

This place.

Thank you for Georgia, the place that made me and thank you for mornings and my morning place in this place.

“He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23:3‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Linking up for Five Minute Friday and thankful God made me to love words and gives opportunity to write and read and grow.

Write, Lisa

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, Redemption, rest, Vulnerability, wonder

People from other sides of fences.

Two of them this week, same matter of factly without hesitation

Said, "Write, Lisa".

One added, her words disputing my feeling as if needing to hide away.

She said.

"Some will wonder why, many could care less.

Others wish they were brave enough.

The few who respond are the many who matter."

So, I'll share again the honesty with hints of hard things again, the post selected by another.

Gently Found

And I'm sitting alone after long day, a smile no one else can see.

It's grace, grace, grace. Here's an Instagram post below…is it possible to be humble and happy all at once. I do believe so when it's a nudge in your tummy, a slight catching of our breath in realization combined with awe.

To see the words that so very clearly express your heart, surreal to see, amazing to recall.

So, for August, I'm the featured post on a blog. The reality is, it's the baring of my soul about just how clearly I feel I could have stood alongside the Samaritan woman and we'd have said to one another, "Me too."

I think we only have hard stuff to be able to look back and share the grace that came in the hard places and the hard times. Visit Kelly Basham's blog and if so inclined say thank you for mercy along with me and thank you for grace.

Link in profile to my blog.

#blossominfaith #gentlesavior #quietconfidence

Not Unaware

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, Trust, Uncategorized

I jotted it down in my black journal.

A ribbon and black elastic band to hold my place, the pages, buff and subtle are its lines.

Might be my favorite.

The one I discovered had a pocket in the binding on back cover.

Discovered it just as I’d folded the seven or so pages written in long hand when I had the time and before it faded away into the place of maybe.

Thoughts that made up Chapter Two.

But, three days, might be four, I walked in the middle of the day, thinking it was fall; but, not yet.

And I’d not considered the Chapter Three.

Melancholy, mind weary, pressed for time.

I walked at a time I felt unsure why, I should.

A hawk was steady and settled, led me to keep on, concerned over the asphalt, we found opportunity to walk in the grass of empty lots.

I decided he deserved it, picked up a stick, I’ll let him cool off in the pond.

It was a plan.

Then, the pecan tree I’d never noticed and the treat of walking down towards the pond; but, Colt, the big brown Lab was disinterested, lazy and uncertain of the plunge.

I waited and watched, a butterfly allowing my time.

To understand, to cherish what was waiting to burst forth, to flutter.

And the dog waited on the bank while I watched and decided,

jotted in the center, nothing else in the space around,

“I refuse to believe that

God is

unaware.”

I Believe, Soon

bravery, courage, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

I had a thought this week, or maybe last.
It stopped me for a minute, made me anxious, made me wish for different, made me long for more.

Made me forget for a bit the more than enough that is mine.

I won't call it an epiphany because I consider epiphany good, of value and I suppose I find epiphany forward in thought.

No, not forward, my worries, they've been more backward.

I thought my thought, "What if the words stop coming? The so clear clarity needed to be recorded, what if I can't recall, if I can't record, if I for fear and time not free, become unable to write?"

My cousin told me it's coming.

She said she believes it is soon.

She's deliberate and decisive in her declaration. She speaks truth, cuts no corners, adds what makes better and leaves out what's not necessary.

She speaks the truth like she serves up dishes, plates it up, puts it in front of you, joins you there in the joy of her hands and then takes your plate away, leaves you full, content, lets you rest.

She knows I've been struggling. Tells me it's soon, the writing, the angels, not sure which or both; but, it's soon.

"God is going to give you freedom, Lisa and I believe, soon." she said.

But, I've been afraid although I know fear leads to nowhere.

Afraid I'm not enough, nor are my words or canvas.

Craziness.

Yes, crazy thing is I've written more and with more authenticity than ever before.

I've painted more often and more freely, more me and okay with me than ever in my life.

There's the fear of not enough, the insatiable emptiness caused by what if coupled with the pitiful thought of why not more.

I ramble.

I have been blessed. I assure you. I have.

Commissions for angels.

Another opportunity, chosen to be a guest writer on a well read blog.

Goes live tomorrow, my thoughts on gentleness.

I pray they turn minds, hearts and thoughts to good places, to God.

They are my words, my understanding, my relating to the story of Jesus and the time he initiated relationship with a woman at a well who'd decided herself unworthy.

A story of a gentle turning towards peace.

Yet, I've been afraid.

This week, last as well. I've been afraid of what may not be.

My days, the past two have been discombobulated. I'm going from thing to thing, told I could speak as long as needed, then someone else gets my attention by pointing frantically at their watch.

I get off track, room filled with faces, I struggle to know what should be said next, what to do, how to act, my chest aches, I'm afraid I've not done well, continue or stop abruptly?

Apologized for rambling then a self-proclaimed toastmaster tells me I should never apologize…no one knows you faltered…okay, yes, I know. I know.

Evening reading that's usually morning, Lord, set me free from the need to control, to be so very hesitant for fear of not being persistent!

So, I prayed. I circled round the word, Peace. I wrote it on my paper taped to my wall, the door closed, making dark my closet, the place I sometimes pray.

We walked, Colt and I. Approached the tall pines all clustered together.

The birds all frenzied it seemed, asking What? Where? Who?

When?

I longed to see them, such a frantic chorus, the melody of not sure.

Could they know I understood?

We walked on towards the open, the sky a steely blue, sunset coming, changing our scene.

And it was gradual, so much so I noticed.

We got back to where we began and the birds, more settled or scattered, not sure.

But, less an obstruction to my quiet, we stopped to rest in the place we had always paused before but had not in a long time.

Not for awhile and I realized then I'd been rushing towards someplace, my steps more like darting chances or longing lunges.

Tired and afraid or afraid to be tired
and unable, incapable.

We turned towards home unleashed, the moon hazy above, just past dusk.

The Rose of Sharon, the rare one, my husband told me.

I noticed the bloom, open and resting, the glory of its color and it was the answer I felt, I saw…I was reminded of rest, wait, faith.

"Come, Colt." I said and he came and I was better, more at peace.

What I have begun, I know because of faith, which is more, so much more than feeling, I will continue.

Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭8:11-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee to Tell His Story and a post I love so much…living a life that lines up with my talk.

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/happen-let-lives-preach-louder-lips/