
“The world is so scary…how can I know?” (Words written and shared with a grandchild)
Out walking before the chill that comes with sundown, I thought about writing.
I thought of the binder, fat with printed words, tucked in the space between my desk and my dresser.
I don’t want to see it and I don’t want to not see it, the evidence of an optimistic attempt to secure interest in my book idea, the one with the title I’ve coddled and kept for so many years.
There were “No’s” and there were “no replies at all”.
I remembered a phrase I’d embraced to guide the writing of essays of sorts, one I felt represented my honesty and a clear voice, my voice in the telling of the stories.
“Start with hope and end with hope.”
This seemed like a good mindset to write honestly about hard things and to let the middle be expressed clearly and the ending, leave the reader with hope.
That middle part is what I thought about on my walk today. That stymied status when nothing seems to be changing for better and you’re sinking down in sand that’s quick sort of lulled by the angst of “how long must I be here?” Will I keep sinking into “stuckness” or will I reach for something to grab and pull myself back up.
To carry on?
I have 3 book ideas, two for children and one a collection of essays expressing the evidence of redemption’s work.
Out of the blue the other day, my six year old granddaughter asked,
“Grandma, are you still gonna write that book you told me about?”
I thought to say “No, don’t think so.” and then I realized her question was a supernatural nudge, she was the voice of God in a gentle and unforgettable way.
The memoir type book that got all the rejections? I’m wondering if maybe I took the path of least resistance, attempted to write what might be more popular, more trendy in a way.
In doing so, I might’ve abandoned the soul of my stories.
Here we are a few days from a brand new year. I’m leaning in and taking account of how my artwork has changed, how I have grown professionally and personally. I am aware that I, and my art have begun to be noticed by people other than friends and family.
I wrote about how this is moving me forward just last week. I sense the clear desire to become even more me, which may be a voice that is more sure and less a goal of captivating followers. I feel very sure of this and I’ll keep reminding myself.
But, the writing, the longing that won’t just fade…
I think I’m going to need to understand the reality of the business of writing.
I need to be noticed and so, I need to be more noticeable.
I need to accept life is not a fairy tale in which I have stories that I love to string together and that will be enough.
(I don’t know why this is such a strong belief for me…that if I do my part, the other part will just come.)
I’m sure there’s a reason in the depths of me and likely has much to do with childhood and trauma. I’ll let my counselor help me unlearn this “fairytale” way of expectations.
As I walked this evening, I realized change comes only when I go looking for ways I may need to change.
Most writers know the power of a strong redemptive arc. A story begins and it builds in an exciting, dreadful or anticipated tragedy sort of way. The details show the evidence of the events that one might find themselves in.
We might walk the reader through a dark swampy forest with brush and bramble tangling and threatening injury…afraid and unable to see their feet.
We may escort the reader up a hillside and unsure what’s ahead or how we’ll catch our breath because of not knowing what’s next.
We might bring the reader with us to the place with no light, no noise, no friends, only foes and we might bring out a tenderness in them they hadn’t felt before.
I’m typing this in my Notes app, and it may not make a lick of sense to anyone at all.
But, it sure makes sense to me.
So, here we go, pressing on to tomorrow and to a new year as a way to proclaim another beginning yet again.
And I will keep this rambling that came from my day before Winter walk and I’ll remember with all my heart, my words to a friend just yesterday.
Winter comes to let what needs to fade, fade away so that the new in you can be fully new.
Writing, painting, leaning in and pressing, ever pressing toward the story on the back curve of the arc that’s known redemption.
And just longs to share it.
That’s all, the longing that won’t let itself be discarded.


























