This afternoon, I picked my pace up, legs heavy and feet oddly light.
I said to myself, “a minute or two, breathe.”
I felt the lifting up of my feet over knotted up roots bursting through the granite paved trail.
There was a moment I wondered who may be watching. Me, the fast walker turned awkward jogger longed for a trail in a forest, not a planned community of homes.
Still, I sprinted in a way a woman over sixty does and then I slowed feeling even though I was walking again,
My walking was making a greater difference than before.
I’ve been doing some bravery required things, things like being 62 and running again.
Who decides it’s too late, too long avoided to try again…
To run the way you’d run if you’d decided you could way back then?
I think I’ll pick it up again tomorrow.
I saw myself three years ago, lighter in disposition, easier in my movement and somehow optimistic in expression.
Again, I shall be less weighed down again.
A minute ago, I read something that felt like betrayal. I’m moving on, letting that go.
Setting my gaze steady and thinking about moving this body of mine forward and less weighted down.
3 thoughts on “Again, Begin”
Beautiful and strong. I love that you started running later in life. One day, I pray my heart is well enough to let me run again.
This caught my eye in your post though: “A minute ago, I read something that felt like betrayal. I’m moving on, letting that go.” I walked around for 5 years believing someone had betrayed me. In fact, I had betrayed them, believing something (through the lens of my past trauma and hypervigilance) that was untrue of them. I was judging and condemning them for something I was in fact doing to them.
I never bother to ask about my assumptions – my belief they were betraying me – because deep down I believed I deserved their judgment and condemnation. I was spitting at the Cross and didn’t see it and I was dishonoring someone whose love, compassion and forgiveness for me so very deep for me because she knew, like very few did, from very close quarters, the depths of the trauma I had walked through. I was floored by her deep love for me.
That experience of redemption (she forgave me) has changed me. Now, I ask people things more quickly, so I don’t assume things about them that are untrue. I too, like you, used to see things and then choose to “let go”. But it makes me wonder now, how many things I saw were really true and how many were my blinded, hypervigilant perspective.
Now, I ask for more information, when I see things that feel like a betrayal. It’s humbling what has been unfolding there.
Couldn’t help but share this just in case your example here could also be someone loving you and in fact not betraying you.
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Focus forward. Always forward.
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