A petal drops from the day lily onto the table. The sound so subtly quiet it barely shifts my attention.
But, it does.
I turn to notice and then wonder how long before the others let go.
The dirty mason jar, because I’ve no idea what happened to all of my vases, has been the vessel for yellow, a soft maroon, ivory and a golden rust colored arrangement. The stems strong and the leaves a lively green will be the last to go.
I have loved them in my morning spot.
Yesterday I told someone I was struggling to comprehend a life of abandonment to God’s will.
Told her I’m prone to expect a revelation, a change that says you’re done or a turning down one road never venturing wrongly or lazily short cutting again.
This morning I know better.
I know abandonment of some of my analytical longings will lead to a life maybe not all romantic like a theatrical opera or song.
It’ll be more incremental.
It will be stop and start, stay longer next time until you realize oh, okay it’s been a while. Maybe saying to myself,
I didn’t realize how long it’s been. I’ve settled in this place of acceptance without fear.
Abandoning yourself to God’s plan, what a calling, an aspiring and admirable decision!
But, I am human and I live amongst other imperfect humans. I know some things they do not know of me and I must remember that it is the same for them.
All of our behaviors are formed by our individual damaged or undamaged perceptions on life with other humans.
Here’s what I came to on the issue of abandon, of abandoning my ideas, hopes, plans, goals to God’s plan.
I am learning as I go.
I am abandoning self-condemnation when it seems I don’t live the abandoned life as fully or continuously as I should. I will abandon being so hard on myself.
I consider this a good beginning.
I’m abandoning my need to know, abandoning my need to correct others, abandoning my need to forget harm done to me by others.
I can abandon strife for peace.
I can abandon anger for acceptance.
I can abandon envy, jealousy and resentment for love.
I can, incrementally.
I am certain that abandon and living this way is more like joy than work.
It is more a breathless expectation of what is coming good or not so great. It is the committed mindset that every tiny thing, life event or circumstance has been filtered.
Has been held by God and let go or not let in.
Maybe living the abandoned way really means living unexpectedly!
Like your grandpa used to say,
Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.
Living that way.
Not knowing what your next moment will bring, your next hour or next day.
I think I can live this way.
It may be momentarily, this new way.
But, moment by moment I will be accepting what is next for me and for those my life gets to be intermingled with, influenced by and loved…my influence a hopeful one for them.
That will be the greatest of things. Abandoning what I don’t know and keeping what I do!
Perhaps adding a new daily prayer, the prayer that Jesus prayed, inviting heaven into my earth, into my day.
“Pray then like this: “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”
Matthew 6:9, 11-13 ESV
Either way, simply believe.
Believe and continue.
Continue and believe.