Mornings and prayers, noticing God

courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

The crepe myrtles were slow to bloom this summer.

Every morning, I’ve been slower to begin my day,  to get to work.  I pause in parked car, linger a few minutes, praying something like. “Okay, Lord this is where you’ve placed, help me to give it my all.”

And then, I’d wait a few seconds more as I gazed towards the wiry branches of crepe myrtle tree, scattered with verdant green leaves, the morning sunbeams creating pattern and contrast.

The quiet beauty of sunlight on leaf, causing me to rest, to trust.

The sameness of my days, the waiting for bloom or the turning of leafaskfriend-9_kindlephoto-3415708

My prayers becoming more of listening than speaking

Of understanding more  than fulfillment of desire

Of acceptance of the one thing left hanging or waiting to see, the thorn remaining, yet not harming.

Reminding me of need to seek, to befriend the giver of grace sufficient and abundant.

My prayers have become more of listening with patience and a calmer anticipation. Waiting prayerfully, not for fulfillment of request, but for the relationship of God’s gentle embrace.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I am trusting you.  Psalm 143:3

The crepe myrtle that canopies my spot bloomed on Thursday. I stopped to look towards the sky, grabbed hold of a branch, bending it down to pick one for my desk.  The  beauty of waiting adorned my desk, little tissue paper type petals bunched together, a delicate reminder of God’s Sovereign and graceful hand.

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Later, I walked, the habitual end to my day. Closer to sundown than usual because of a hard and unexpected phone call.

I walked and I prayed, at peace.

Then, I noticed God. A crescent moon and a pink sky.

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God is in the details and the waiting. Don’t forget to notice.

I linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee.

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/keeping-the-faith-when-life-is-hard-tellhisstory/

Feelin’ 55 and Flawless, my birthday song

Children, Faith, family, Motherhood, praise, Trust, Vulnerability
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My family…God has blessed me with a good life!

I was anxious and grouchy last night (again).

Worried about how I might look today, needing a haircut, needing the right outfit, needing not to be discombobulated and nerved out!

I had an important speech to give about our important work with homeless families.  I needed to quiet the chubby, shy,  girl and become the professional, outspoken and articulate woman.

Man, that can be a challenge lately!

Problem is I had to be up at 5:15 on my 55th birthday.

I was grouchy going to bed and most likely annoying everyone around me discussing my changing appearance and my fatigue.

For weeks I had been announcing that I would be “double nickels” to the point of most everyone wishing it had come and gone. No matter what my husband said, I would snap back,  “I see the changes, there’s no need to tell me it’s not true.”

“I have a mirror, I am really aging. I might let my words get ahead of my thoughts. I either talk too fast or my slow southern drawl kicks in. And my hair, oh,  I need a haircut. Cover the arms, elongate the neck, keep my hands still, keep my shoulders back…they’re recording this for the campaign, it’s important!” I said.

“You’ll be fine.  I’m sorry you have so much stress on your birthday.” he said.

I needed to sleep last night.

I tried.

But, too much noise,  thinking, planning, and doubting kept me awake. I had one of those nights when the alarm is actually good, at least the struggle is over. Finally permission to give up on drifting into more than a few minutes of sleep. First thought this morning?  A song, a happy little upbeat song

Lying there in the quiet, early morning darkness, a set of lyrics phrase popped up and I’ve been celebrating all day this permission to have a happy birthday.

Words from a song I stopped to hear on Sunday, turned it  up loud glad to hear it again, twice on Monday.  Car singing, shameless stoplight karaoke:

“No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless”
Mercy Me

So I navigated my morning with the words becoming more real with each repetition. The gift of a song you can’t get our of your head, the message of grace, of God’s opinion of me on my birthday and every day.

What a gift, to be seen as flawless.  The cross has made me flawless.

Short of time, no leisurely coffee sipping couch morning;  I scribbled a quick journal entry prayer marked 8/11

Lord, help this be the year I truly see me as you do.  Help me to embrace the me that you would have me be, made me to be.” 

I remembered a special gift then. I paused to notice the words on the pretty little cross, slowing down to recall the verse.

The words beckoning me to believe the phenomenal love of  God.  The cross, a birthday gift a few years back from my soon to be son-in-law, hangs in my bathroom,  supposed to be a daily reminder.20150812_082309_kindlephoto-22573737

18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Ephesians  3:18-19

 

The meeting was good.  I made it on time. I choose a bright pink dress instead of beige or black and I used words that made sense!  My hands were still and  people were attentive. I used words that made sense, and were impactful.

The right words at the right time are a blessing according to the Book of Proverbs…another gift!

“The presentation, the organizer of the event said, was flawless.”

“Thank you, Lord for words to songs, words on crosses.  Thank you, Mercy Me and you, Lord, for the intricacies of my mind.  For planting a song in my mind and on my heart today, a birthday song.”

A song of  “Good morning, Lisa.  Remember you are flawless.”

“Could it possibly be
That we simply can’t believe
That this unconditional
Kind of love would be enough

Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless.”

Read more: Mercy Me – Flawless Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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Key Lime Cake…my girl can bake!

Happy Birthday, me!

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/three-of-the-most-important-words-you-could-say-tellhisstory/

Thank you Jennifer!

Thank you Jennifer!

ok, focused and purposeful

Children, courage, Faith, family, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

If I could, I’d slow things down a little. At the same time, I’d hurry them, too.  I’d have the path smooth and the transition complete. My son would have the crossed the bridge, navigated challenging waters and safely made it to Sophomore year, strong footing ashore.

I’d be watching my daughter entering the chapel down a white petal strewn aisle. I anticipate a feeling I can’t quite know. Joy, grace, beautiful graced gift from God. I’d have seen her exit reception filled giddiness to begin her married life.

My purposeful and insightful heart would be at rest.

The deep waters of change would be familiar, even serene.

Two life changes sitting impatiently in my heart. About to burst from the emotion of change, accomplishment and dream come true.

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I’ve been thinking quite a lot. I’ve noticed the way my heart has responded to what good is coming.

I’ve embraced the journey.

I’ve become insightful, listened to stories, have had more of my own.

Then, I considered a Facebook hiatus.  Two reasons.

There is a whole lot of trash and trashy there.  There’s quite a bit of debate, incited and enticed.  There’s a whole lot of visual of the horrible.  It’s a challenge to look away. It’s hard to see clearly what’s true or what’s spectacular.

Second reason, just because I might be a tad too brave, too vulnerable, too honest in my writing. I write bravely, honestly and openly. It’s clear my Quiet Confidence is not Facebook appropriate.

FB, after all is really just attention seeking a like.

My words interest some, impact some, cause some to wonder. I write what others feel, but are afraid to say. IMG_20140915_080505

I’ll still write. Just not share so much. I’ll update my blog site, it needs more polish anyway, add a Follow button for readers. I’ll still have the address on FB for those who “get me”.

I’ll still post my scripture, daily; but not the long and personal stories of my journey of faith, of fear, of joyful answered prayers. People on my path and their stories becoming my story are my heart, my purpose. So, this will be content for the blog.

These things are honestly too real for attention grabbing and seeking  audience of Facebook.

And it will be ok.

I noticed last week that I had been replying to emails with “ok”.

I thought, “Lisa, you should probably at least type the word out, capitalize the “O”, add a period or a smiley face at the end.

But, I didn’t. I was annoyed, stressed and pushed for time.

Please not one more question, request, requirement!  Work on top of life journeys found me saying

ok

ok

ok

Patience, Lisa. One thing at a time. One more day, one more thing.

Slow down, time. Hurry up, let me get through this!

I’m sitting in my sister’s den. It’s quiet. I have good coffee and I’ve had some good quiet. It’s raining now.

Rumbling thunder.

The dogs have come in. My nephew is napping. My son came along for the babysitting vacation and we played Scrabble last night.

My niece is beautiful and kind with the glow of confidence.

My daughter is home with the dogs and the engagement party is Saturday.

So, all is Okay.

I look up towards the mantle, “Should I water that plant?”

And I’m reminded to be patient, as I focus on the words.

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Everything is going to be ok.

The words, I focus on the words.

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee

Thank you Jennifer!

Thank you Jennifer!

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tellhisstory-rock-bottom-the-color-purple-and-a-giveaway/

content in my distraction

Uncategorized

feather

There was a red bird outside my window this morning. I heard its chirping and stopped to listen. I pushed back from my desk, opened the shutters and stopped, captivated by its visit.  Bright, confident, vibrantly bouncing around in the straw.

My mind moves lately from one to another thing, the bane of the multitasking and distracted life.  It’s my current place in life, engaged daughter and youngest entering college.

Last night, planted next to the checkout at Target,  a friend and I shared wisdom over the need to rest, to look away from the current inundation of horrific.  We agreed that we’d be quite content to withdraw to our homes, to draw into and near to God.  We wondered if this might be the only sound place of solace. We agreed we should and we could do this.

Let’s just stay in our quiet place;  stay home, curl up on the couch, kneel down bedside.  Avoid the news, the media, the social sucking in of our minds via handheld places of informative anguish. We might withdraw, we decided.

But wait, there’s a birthday coming up tomorrow, her daughter and  “Lisa, you have your daughter’s wedding to plan, What fun!” she said.  Our conversation and our faces changed as we shifted to the good, to the peace bringing, soul touching, warm smile bringing happy things.

Glancing towards my desk this morning, ready to begin my list of to do’s.  I had committed in prayer to remain focused, to avoid distractions and to honor God in my work. I placed my yellow mug down next to my collection of peaceful things.  The things that make me smile, a reminder note to “be still” and a mug, both gifts from my daughter. A perfectly hollowed out bird nest cushioning baby bluebird feathers and I thought “this little vignette is my happy way of life”.   This is rest for my soul,  pretty and peaceful in the impending and overwhelming now. I’m hoping God has planted  a collection of joy on my friend’s path today and that she’s stopped to notice already.

My friend has had a hard year.  She is thin. She is tired.  Her eyes have an appearance of long, heavy nights. “It all caught up with me this year, Lisa.”  she said.  I asked, wondering  “Like the empty nest is so much more empty than you thought it would be?”

She agreed, nodding without words, her eyes becoming watery and I wondered if these words were hard or just hard truth.

Her son, same age as mine, should be headed to college.  He ended his life three years ago. I cherish the story of her son. I’ve heard it many times, no less difficult in the repetition. I am honored to be a listener of her cherished story.

I was there to shop for my son, entering college in three weeks. My dread of the coming Matriculation Day changed to an embracing of the gift now, of accomplishment and challenge.

I asked about her kind and quiet husband then,   “I saw the mission trip pictures.” I said, adding “the one with the child looking up at him, he seemed so serene”.  She smiled then and said her husband may have found peace in Africa.  His journey has made a turn. His path seems more peaceful, she said.   She turned a corner too, a hard road she saw him travel she’ll travel now, she hopes for not so long.

My sweet and wise cousin sent a photo the other day. She’d spent the day in Charleston and thought of sending a picture of the college campus soon to be my son’s home.  She thought of me, she said as she drove past the gated entrance.  She rethought the idea, suddenly though.  Later,  she says knew why. Her daily routine, out walking her dogs, a hot and dry day, eyes cast downward, she thought of me again and smiled.

Nestled in the brown, dry pine needles, crisp and crunchy leaves, she found a brilliant feather. She texted me: ” I saw this and thought of you. I love you.” I imagined her stopping to look, deciding which path to take and then pausing there, thinking this is for Lisa.

She texted: “Walking dogs , saw this pretty feather , thinking of you.”

Stand at the crossroads and look, ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is, walk there, you’ll find rest for your soul. Jeremiah 6:16

I’m sharing my story in a link-up with other wise women who are most likely distracted, yet content.

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tellhisstory-does-god-care-about-your-happiness/

Thank you Jennifer!

Thank you Jennifer!

Wisdom, Shoes and the Journey of Nevertheless

Children, courage, Faith, family, Motherhood, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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I phoned five different stores,  narrowed our possibilities down to two older downtown department stores and a place with a really funny name that sounded like nothing to do with shoes or military attire.

Just as well, no one answered the phone because I was a little confused about a shop claiming to sell desert boots but calling itself,  “Little Elves Shop”. The shoes he needed were needed soon, must be broken in, must meet specific requirements. I was thrilled to plan our shopping day, first stop, downtown and just across the river into Georgia.

Wrong!  This sprawling expanse of a dark and damp department store contained old clothes, old shoes and old men who explained that the shoes might be damaged because the roof fell in on the store a while back. Smushed flat shoes, corduroy pants with ridged cords thick like Brady Bunch bell bottom jeans and military jackets…pile upon pile. Crazy as it seems, I was hoping for the shoes. Maybe smushed shoes meant broken in. I was getting desperate.

We left, my son and I, shaking our heads but laughing. A shop across the street caught my eye, “Law Enforcement Command Center”. I crossed the street, pressed my face to the window, saw what might be the shoes and knocked on the door, a desperate mom in need of shoes for my college boy.  The store had closed five minutes earlier.

“Austin” I say,  “there’s one we can try. It’s called Little Elves Shop.” His face priceless, as I called and a gentleman answered.  Same story, new person  “I need shoes for my son. He’s going to The Citadel in August. I can’t find them anywhere!”  “Come on down” he said.  “I’ll help you out.”  So, of course we headed that way.

Weaving back streets,  a quiet little town with four wheelers and lawn mowers out for rides, we found the place, Little Elves Shop.  A sign warned us to drive slowly, a bump in the driveway in front of a tiny little shed with an  “Open, Come in”  sign beckoning us to enter. We both stood, unsure of the little shop. We were there and he said he could help, he said come on down. He was expecting us. We had to go in.

So, we did. Walked in and he perked up. He was a thin man,  small in stature and bent over slightly, he perked up and said, “Well, hello there! I thought I was tall but you are a some kinda tall, young man!”  My son is 6′ 5″. He gets this a lot. He endures it mostly.  He smiled as the owner scurried excitedly meandering through the racks of clothes to look for shoes in the tiny little military and memorabilia filled shop, jam packed with uniforms, shoes, jackets, boots and shoes.

He found the boots. They fit.  He sold us socks, Brasso, Kiwi shoe polish, shirt stays and a shoe shine kit. He would order the black military oxfords if we couldn’t find them, not patent, not corifam  (No, I had no idea what that meant).

But, in between and along the way, he imparted wisdom and Austin and I listened.

We heard of his small town high school days in the Beta Club. He was an only child, both parents disabled and yet he was selected to travel to Missouri. He had a good business head he told us, but was poor.  He had charm and a solid bit of good sense. He was, smart and was selected to travel in a competition nevertheless, he said.

He smiled and winked as he told Austin about the banquet after the awards. He said he found himself in an almost empty ballroom staring across the room at the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. He told my son, back in those days young men respected young women. You were never too forward.

He asked Austin, “What do you think I did?  Well, I had no choice but to walk right over and ask her to dance and we danced for hours.”

He told us he returned to the tiny town of Greenwood and she to her home, her daddy a wealthy businessman. He worked in a mill, his parents disabled, limited income. She wrote him he said, inviting him to her graduation. She told him her daddy wanted to meet him. His life would change. It could be his answer. It could have changed his life, he said.

“Nevertheless,” he said, “I got sick and couldn’t go.”   He came down with appendicitis and was close to death. The girl from the Midwest never wrote again.

And then he smiled, telling how for a time he dated five girls at once until two showed up at the same place and then, “Austin” he said, chuckling  “for five years I couldn’t pay a girl for a date.”

I imagined him handsome, confident, sharply dressed for dancing. I imagined the girl from the Midwest dressed in flowery pastel, dancing, swaying with the sweet Southern boy full of charm and  confidence.

Handsome and sure of himself.

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“Nevertheless, I  married the one of the five who said yes.  I call her my little bride.” he shook his head, smiling.

He got quiet then and talked of Vietnam and his shop helper, a veteran working with him and for him, handicapped by war, a struggling victim of PTSD. He told us of this soldier’s company. Of the deaths of men led by him, carried by him,  their fatally wounded bodies, he the only survivor.

“He can’t be around loud noises and he drifts off in thinking.

Nevertheless, he lived although his friends died.”

“War is bad, Austin,war is bad.”

“Nevertheless, it is a worthy and brave commitment.”

Then, the heaviness shifted and we, my son and I eased towards the exit, boots and various items in hand, plans to order the shoes.

He looked at my son and said, “You are a fine young man.”

I smiled, thanked him and we left.

We found the shoes the next day, the law enforcement uniform shop with courteous, efficient and ease of purchase staff.

Nevertheless, I called the little shop owner to say I found the shoes. He invited us back, me actually.

He has a back yard filled with flowers. He promised to help Austin and me dig up a few of a certain ones, moon flowers he called them.

“You can watch them bloom at night” he said. “Plant a few, they’ll make you smile when you’re missing your boy.”

I’m fascinated now with the idea and truth of “nevertheless”. It’s all through the Bible…the word, the idea of good in spite of, of grace and good from unexpected, from uncertainty.

Of things turning out for us despite us.

This time and this transition, this much to be prepared for challenge.

Empty nest, overflowing heart.

I am proud of you, son.

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This journey of faith

Of assurance.

Letting go, holding loosely, letting God.

Nevertheless, it’s a tough journey.

Shoes, boots and stories, nevertheless.

The little man from the Little Elves Shop called again.  He wanted me to know that each and every time Austin comes to mind, he’ll stop and pray. He wanted me to tell Austin this and told me again, “He’s a fine young man.”

“I had hoped to do business with you again.”

“Nevertheless, I enjoyed meeting you and Austin”, he added.

“Thank you”,  I said.

And knowing our shopping is done and my son will be dropped off with a quick and not so easy hug at The Citadel very soon

I may stop for a visit and some wisdom, by Little Elves Shop,  nevertheless.

Losing and Finding

courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Vulnerability

beach

There’s so much to say, yet so little, so redundant a place I was in.

Has something ever turned out differently than what you thought or felt it should?  Have you ever found yourself in a place of taking responsibility for what you thought should be, but didn’t prove true?

Stubborn and bitter, holding on?  Calling it regret because somehow that seems better…like it’s still yours to hold onto and that must make it okay? At least it’s still mine to keep, this regret over different than, of can’t possibly be as good as what could have been.

So, we squeeze it tight, carry it, revisit it and sit with it.

Thoughts  rewinding to regret. A song of what if?  why not? what should I have done more or less of?  The song of remorse stuck on replay. An annoying song, aggravating and lingering, self-condemning.

I’d wake with a new song, a prayer. I’d carry it through my morning;  nevertheless, the ballad of bitterness was my chorus again by sundown.

Writing, at least journaling had become a habitual chore.  An every morning, new page pencil-marked with date list of the circling of why.

Most days countered with good, solid words of hope of motivational truths, verses and prayer.

Yet, that same list every day for a while now, letting go and coming back to the useless hard truth of regret.  Knowing God would not have me stuck in this bad place for as long as I had been and the two steps forward, five or six back surely had to pass…with time, acceptance, new perspective.

Vacation came and every single day I walked the path to our spot, this morning glory path, I named it. My feet sinking in a cushion of sand to be greeted by the open armed shore. Me,  still burdened with regret.

Seven full days, sitting shaded yet wrapped in,  absorbing and being absorbed by warmth of coastal summer.

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Feet and face pointed towards blue, grey, green water stirring up billows of crispy, frothy white. I sat staring, deciding to leave then beckoned by whoosh and whisper of waves, to gaze again for hours.

Recalling words from daily, jotted down prayers mixed with notes from sermons and songs  as I sat,  positioned just behind those I love, the young two and the one who yearns for sun, this season he adores.

Sitting,  no idea of the gift of this time. Remembering words recorded earlier from a sermon the Sunday before our trip.

Corresponding and correlating on this first full day in the sun.

Everything I have been given or have obtained is from God.

When God puts something in your hand, he puts it there with an open hand. If we hold too tightly, He will pry it from our hand.

I sat, facing the Atlantic ocean, opened my hand and let go.

 Let go the regret, as warm tears streamed behind sunglass shielded eyes. I sat, silent with open hand.

Hand open, clearly, finally resting.

Journaled then what I knew was my truth.

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  “Regrets are really nothing more than a hard truth, a place of clarity, and clarity is good. A place of now I understand and I can be better.

Now that I see regret as it is, a place to see my bitterness, my pride and self-condemnation I can be okay with the truth of my regret.”

On Wednesday, I walked with music for the first time, careless about the overuse of cellphone data. Walked on the beach instead of meandering streets with pretty, shingled houses.  I walked with intent and freedom.  Struck out on my own, no route, no plan.

Then this song, “What do I know of Holy?” and I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God. By the beauty of this walk on this day, this timing.

“What do I know of you who spoke me into motion? 

Where have I even stood but  the shore along your ocean?

What do I know of holy?” Addison Road

I guess I thought I had figured it all out. I loved to talk about how mighty to save my God was and my words, they had become just empty words on a page. I tried to hear from heaven, but I’d talk loud rants of doubt the whole time. I think I made you too small. I made me too big, my clinging to why not?  what if?

Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be.  Who you are, Holy.  The one who at the slightest hint has brought me down to my knees. The one whose wounds heal my shame, my regrets.

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And I knew of Holy, again.

I remembered you and I opened my hand again. Unwrapped my tightly fisted hand and let go regret.

Gave up what was not for me to hold

The thing I’d made so big

Opened my hand to a heaven blue sky, teary eyes more clear now.

Losing me and finding you.

 

Speaking in light and Proverbs

courage, Faith, praise, Prayer, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

There is much reason to be burdened lately.

Churches burning, rants, debates, threats of harm floating about, impending doom speculated for later this week.

Nine people murdered despite loving a lost and angry soul, loving just like Jesus did and does. I was and am still astounded by their faith, their witness, their legacies. The peace of Jesus shown bravely through the ones left behind in Charleston. Attempts to overshadow were stifled by love.   Then a decision made headlines on the issue of marriage. It worked its way into  our minds, a distraction and a call to question beliefs in God’s word or to  examine our faith. To find my thinking and resolve glaringly different than many. The challenge becomes walking in light, being light when it’s getting really dark all around,  trying hard to avoid ugliness and remain quietly confident,  yet desiring God, desiring to be light.

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I’m over halfway through my life and I’ve wandered in rebellious darkness, trapped by my choices and I’ve walked in light, obedient and trusting, basing all my choices on being close to Jesus, a place of peace. Offended by a comment expressing fear of Christians who interpret the Bible so literally, they become extremist killers of those who are not like-minded.  I was more than compelled to respond, yet waited and then took a breath, prayed asking God to help me explain why I believe His word:

“I am who I am because of my confidence in God’s word. I do my best every day to live out my faith in quiet confidence.  As a child, I experienced the fanatical teaching. I rejected it, came back, knowing it’s the best and safest place for me. I believe in loving others and I pray I would never be seen as a violent type individual in my stance. My desire and calling is to share when asked Why I believe God and His word. My story of a life obedient and trusting is not loud or harsh. It is a strong conviction,  though and may lead to much dispute. I know where my heart needs to be and I’ll stand strong and  confident, rejecting hate and knowing I’m not perfect but so much better when I walk with God…this is the way walk in it…following His voice.”

And now, the story of a wise woman who walks in light, restoring faith, speaking in wisdom-filled proverbs.

Grandma Susie has that light. She and I shared a strong, sweet hug in the grocery store last Saturday morning when I, with a heavy and worrisome heart needed relief,  there she was. She smiled, “Good to see you.”  I wonder if she knows she has a smile like a light, a warm light like the glow of a lamp in an empty house left on in your bedroom, welcoming you in after a long day. I wonder if she felt my heart, its light beaming with joy to see her.

Like the morning light after a heavy, sleepless night, determined and hopeful, we throw back the curtains, lift the blinds to welcome the bright possibilities  of a new day.

  I told her years ago, I feel like God sent her to me to fill in for my grandma.  Like an unexpected red bird,  Grandma Susie is a gentle reminder of faith despite circumstances and of love.

When I worked where Grandma Susie volunteers, she loved on me filling that void. She was firm in her love to the children there, demonstrating  love to build and cushion her strong and wise corrections.  I remember her as  “sharp as a tack”. She’d correct a child, then lean down and embrace them, speaking quiet words of explanation and encouragement long to be remembered.

In wisdom and love, as if to say:

My child, come and listen to me. Do as I say and you will have a good life. I will teach you  wisdom’s ways and lead you in straight paths, so take hold of my instructions; don’t let them go. Guard them for they are the key to life.  Proverbs 4:10-13

Wisdom

Wisdom

Grandma Susie makes me think of Solomon, wise sayings given with gentle conviction, Proverbs.

She speaks, her words linger, hold much weight. Grandma Susie, a modern day Solomon,  much like Corrie Ten Boom or Maya Angelou.

Grandma Susie is a beautiful woman. I’m always stunned by her unchanging face, her confident posture, surprised to see her after several years.

I told her again on Saturday,  just like years ago, how beautiful and kind she is. I asked her the secret to her beauty, unashamed embracing her in the produce section. “Is it water?”  “Plenty of sleep?”

Ever humble, she never answered, so  I asked

“It’s your heart and your faith, isn’t it?”

Then her face lit up and we were of one accord singing the same song, same chorus, the verses of our lives sustained by  our faith.

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And so we visited a little bit, planted ourselves in front of the bananas and got a little excited about our stories of faith.

She said, “Lisa, we got to feed our faith and starve our doubts.  Doubt spreads like cancer…spreads faster.”

“We have to guard our hearts! “ She said, as others turned to listen.

” Oh, I know, but we make it so hard ’cause we can’t see faith” I added.”We’ve got to stay on our knees and in the word,  keep it in our hearts.” she said. “We got to stop doubtin’, Lisa.  We just got to stop it from growing. We got to stop doubt from spreadin’.” she added with conviction.

Then we smiled, held hands and hugged good and strong before going our on ways, she glanced back smiled and nodded, firmly and with authority.

I paused, hating to see her go and smiled back,  uplifted by Grandma Susie’s love, light and wisdom.

 

I’m linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tellhisstory-when-youre-going-through-a-storm/

 

 

 

 

 

 

The brave and beautiful 3, Praises

Children, courage, Faith, family, praise, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Wednesday morning, I felt the need to retreat. I thought of avoiding all social stuff, followed blogs, subscriptions, true and important posts on the Charleston horror and/or the ones meant to lift me, motivate or push me forward.

I thought of settling back into the comfortable place of effortless complacency. I considered quieting my voice, my words. I remembered my truth,  “Write bravely or not at all” and not at all was feeling safe, feeling like a good fit for an expected mold. I had been here before, searching for the consoling truth of God, waiting His truth out.

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And then I skimmed my inbox to read the next chance to tell my story, His story. Linking up, who am I kidding?  I’ve just really begun, afraid my words are just journaling. On a muggy gray morning I found myself in a funk, a deep pit, asking “Jesus, help me out of this rough patch.”

 Like the Psalmist, I cried, I’m slipping!  Again, your unfailing love, O’ Lord supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope. Psalm 94:18-10

 I’ve been linking up with other writers mainly as an exercise in persistence, an assignment that elicits my naive courage, I think.

Jennifer Dukes Lee reminds me to praise and then suggests I comment sharing three praiseworthy things. I was feeling as far from praise as the sun is from the full moon on a winter night.  So, I sat with that sullen quiet as I opened the next message.

I read about courage described by Tracy Line as she recalled her “Time Hop” of three years ago. http://tracyline.com/2015/06/23/the-art-of-practicing-courage/  I decided to comment, a Thank You for Tracy’s story of discovering what God intended for her resting period of three years. I shared my struggle with Tracy, which is odd but not odd, in that I’ve not met Tracy Line “The Writer Tracy”.

But, Tracy replied in the same kind way Jennifer Dukes Lee replied months ago. Both expressed good and hopeful truths. Tracy encouraged me further, told me she had read my brave words…You’re a good writer.” she said.

Both said they would pray for me.

Published authors, stopping to pray for me. And both times, God heard and I sensed a change of thought, of heart, reason and my reasoning.

Both times!

Here it is Thursday evening and I’m thinking of the beauty of kind words of two strangers who love God. I’m remembering the challenge to be thankful for three things. A discarded chance to comment just a day ago because I felt my praises were too contrived, too insincere.

Now, just a day past the thought of keeping it all to myself, my brave words, slipping into a quiet, keep it all inside place…I’m bursting to proclaim my three things for which I lift my face and hands in praise!

Praise God #1

Praises to God for a wedding dress weekend!  A couch filled with crazy, how do I work this selfie-stick laughter. My daughter streaming happy, joyous, honest and  sweet tears from the dressing room when she could wait no longer and slipped her pretty arms into the wedding dress. Her quiet request of the seamstress to honor Grandma and my stopping to catch my breath sigh upon hearing it…my daughter, soon to be a bride.  One of my three…

Pre-Yes to the Dress party

Pre-Yes to the Dress party

Praise God #2

I bought the biggest and best dog bed, refusing to believe it would be ripped apart. I bought this dog bed because “Colt” the Christmas gift to a son about to enter The Citadel, is in fact a pony size chocolate lab puppy who has outgrown the crate. Praise God, he loves his bed!

Every night for a week, back to the place where the crate had been and a word “Bed”  and he sleeps, all night. No more pee puddles and he has stopped eating my bras!  He is a rambunctious little boy of a dog who likes living here. Praise God for my  “What was I thinking Merry Christmas, Austin”   lapse in reason addition to our family.

Worth it all

Worth it all

Praise God #3

From a heart, heavy and tired,  I’ve been lifted again.  Praise God, the sustainer and lover of my weary and wayward soul!  The God who reminds me of the good seed he planted in me. The God planted, joy bringing, soul nourishing act of thoughts made words.

Writing, my seed

Clearly and more confident

Clearly and more confident

Bravely, with a few familiar steps back, but stronger steps forward, good work began, carried to completion.

With God, through and for God.

He who began a good work in me will carry it through to completion. Philippians  1:6

Quiet Confidence is my strength, returning and rest, my salvation. Isaiah 30:15

I’m linking up with other amazing and motivating writers who Tell His Story at Jennifer Dukes Lee.http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tell-his-story/

Feelin’ melancholy, Sis?

Uncategorized

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Something about Sunday had me wanting to go home.

To the country, a big white house, grandma’s house.

It was a sneaky kind of longing all around a breakfast choice, wishing for breakfast at my grandma’s…doors wide open to the wrap around the front screened-in porch.

I always loved the narrow little side porch, a good place to be tucked away.

Last Sunday morning, I found myself wanting what couldn’t be again.

That kind of floating around in your mind of all things changing.

The knowledge of not being able to be in that place, with those people again, not a cumbersome sadness dragging around all Eyoreish….

Just an almost sweet ache. I had written about the look on my son’s face at graduation, and my sister-in-law commented:

“Feeling melancholy, sis?” Dianne

And it stuck.  Why yes, I believe I am and by the way, Thank you for putting a name to my longing, my wistful thinking

Also,  thank you for calling me “sis”.

That made me smile in the simplest and sweetest of ways.

Melancholy feelings on a Sunday morning,

Wishing for, what back then I thought silly, odd old people ways.

I opened the refrigerator for milk, thinking I’ll have cereal and banana for a change.

Instead of protein boredom and sameness,  I immediately thought corn flakes in the big white, bright rooster box and I went for the closest we had in the cabinet.

Remembered the wilted,  golden floating, softened flakes… me, at Bama’s tipping the bowl to get every last drop of milk flavored with thick sweetness of cream.

I was thinking about my grandma’s sweet milk, tiny pancakes and coffee with cream from a can, poured into the saucer of a cup to cool so I could then sip along with her.

So, instead of two percent,  I grabbed the pint of light cream purchased earlier for something, can’t even recall.

I poured it over my flakes and bananas, its creaminess settling amongst the fruit and flakes, finding its way into the ridges of the flakes and sinkin’ into the bananas.

I tasted home, sweet country dirt road, playing  baseball with my cousins on the clay front yard home.

The sweetness of simple, of sparseness, of sameness…of small things that happened with spontaneity.

Again on Wednesday, I thought of Bama, my grandma.  I moved into my morning, the lingering melancholy of accepting change, difference, good and worthy transitions…blue, nonetheless.

Waking up feeling complacent, doubtful…needing to surrender but not really feeling hopeful or too thrilled with letting go…

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I journaled in the quiet marking my little notes to self. Remembering my grandma in the dim tiny light, her Bible in her lap. I made more notes on prayer.

Lately, God has called my heart and beckoned my attention towards prayer. That morning, empty house except a snuggled down beagle and lab puppy (like a toddler)  waiting beside the door, I sang in the shower;  free, confident and joyously affirming  “Tell it to Jesus”  Lisa.

Are you weary, are you heavy hearted?
Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.
Are you grieving over joys departed?
Tell it to Jesus alone.

Refrain

Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus,
He is a friend that’s well known.
You’ve no other such a friend or brother,
Tell it to Jesus alone.

I’m linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and am thankful for a chance to Tell My Story, His story. http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tellhisstory-the-first-step-to-authentic-friendship/

Finding feathers again

courage, Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

I almost stopped noticing feathers, red birds and coins.

A callous remark meant to be fun was hurtful.

“How will you survive your son, your “baby” going to college?”

My answer,  not quite as mournful as the question..  “Oh, I don’t know.”  was met reply…”You’ll be fine, just go find a feather.”

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So,  I almost stopped noticing.

I walked the Saturday evening after seeing the accident with a little boy injured frighteningly bad. I thought of the posture of my prayer that day and the unashamed plea for life. I recalled the scene of imploringly requesting mercy, the prayer, unashamed, uninhibited.

I remembered as I walked, the sweet story of a white dove on the walking trail. The dove my daughter and her fiance had greet them a few days in a row before that Saturday.

Before that Saturday afternoon beside the road with a little boy.

Peace, a dove, calmly preparing the heart.

And as I walked and prayed God’s will, God’s glory, not mine

I noticed, shiny, glistening, amongst flattened leaves and straw

A silver, beaten up old dime.

And I remembered that finding a dime is symbolic of grace and assurance as if to say, ” It will be alright. You are seen. You are loved.”

“You are remembered.”

And so, I am noticing God again.

Red birds flitting by.  Clouds bordered by pink.  Big pretty full or skinny crescent moons.  Lyrics that stop my busyness, speak perfectly, clearly.

Parallels in prayer, in thought, in scripture recited, journaled, offered up to a friend and then recalled, repeated, reminded by another.

My friend,  John stopped by and we talked about a funeral.

The music.  Piano, clear and consulate. The message. The presence of God, of love.

He had noticed too. So, I shared my  words recorded earlier:

A few weeks ago, a friend who happens to be an employee lost her husband unexpectedly.  She was in shock and heartbroken, physically ill.  In our embrace, I reminded her of her strength, her courage and her faith.  “You are strong.” I told her.  “Still, it will be hard.” 

Through the evening and into the following day, I texted her to check in, each time reminding her that I was praying for her. I recalled a promise from God’s word and I simply texted her   “My prayer for you is that you are keenly aware of the peace of God…the peace that surpasses all understanding.”   Thinking back now, I know that verse was brought to mind by God, for my friend. Without knowing the exact verse or its context, these few words came to mind for my friend.

While not nearly sufficient to ease her pain, I’ve thought since how appropriate these words were for my friend her world spinning and she, in shock. The passing of her husband on a typical Thursday morning, something she could not understand. And I thought  “How amazing is our God that he knows there will be tragedies we can’t fathom or understand?”

We are not expected to understand.

Our lack of understanding confounds us, troubles us, and grieves us. His command, His promise, “Rest in my peace. It surpasses your bewilderment and grief.”

I attended the funeral service for my friend’s husband. The music enveloped me as I sat accompanied by a few women who live in our shelter and one other friend.

We were such a contrast, lining that pew,  I’m sure to most people.

Young women, older women, and a sharply dressed professional and member of our board of directors, we lined one of the pews. All of us there as friends together loving our friend through her loss.

The minister welcomed us with a prayer and all joined in singing Amazing Grace.  My board member and friend, the definition of a gentleman, sat on my right and a pregnant and homeless young woman, a resident of our shelter on my left. The gentleman, a crisp navy suit; the young soon to be mother, having no dresses wore a pair of denim capris, a maternity top and a bright scarf she later told me with a big smile she added to give “a pop of color”.

We sang together.  We blended beautifully.

We sang Amazing Grace as if we’d all been singing in the same little church choir for years. By the third verse, I found myself in tears over the beauty of this grace, this peaceful worship.

The minister spoke from Philippians, Chapter 4. He spoke of the pain of death. He spoke of grief and of the hope of heaven. Then, he closed with verse seven:

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:7

   Quietly, I closed my eyes then and thanked God for His words and His lyrics, our Amazing God, our God who longs to be noticed.

 I  am noticing again.  How can I not?

My friend, now a widow returned to work at our shelter.

A very young new mom and precious newborn baby girl, anticipating her return. A child, a mama, an older wise lady.

A young woman, burdened by mistakes but believing in good

And a front porch fern with open mouthed, frantically happy birds

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Saying “Begin again”.

Finding feathers and noticing God. We begin again.

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee, sharing, learning, being brave.

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Thank you Jennifer!