#fmf

Becoming Them, Becoming You

Art, bravery, Children, contentment, courage, depression, Faith, family, memoir, painting, Trust, Vulnerability, wisdom

“And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭30:20-21‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Calling Myself an Artist

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

I sketched an oak tree years ago, green grass water colored and a blue sky with the words above added in a sort of filigree.

I worked for the Department of Family and Children Services aka DFACS aka The Welfare.

I gave this sketch to my first real boss, the County Director back then, thirty something years ago.

Something in me has always understood the something in others that causes harmful, negative, risky behaviors.

Causes giving up or succeeding.

And so, I had work to do, very hard work, but I tried to be kind.

Because, I’m certain every single person in the world is battling something.

Many times it’s something they’re hoping to outgrow or to not hand down to their children.

As I age, I’m beginning to see the battle of becoming, either fear of what I may become or a greater fear of what I will not.

I knew a woman once who should’ve been a chef. Her meals were spread out like royalty when family came on Sunday. She retired from professional management type work and she immersed herself in cooking. She became the cook at a little campground type place where men shot dove. The tips were good, the encouraging compliments invaluable. She was on top of the world and then, she just couldn’t or decided she couldn’t anymore.

Sometimes, I’m asked in these days of either anxious anger or languid depression, how I stay motivated, how I keep painting, I wish I could be like you, have a calling and purpose.

And I’m honest. I say,

I’ve seen what happens when you stop doing what feeds your soul. I’ve seen how quickly you don’t leave your house, grow weak and weary and weaker and worn out.

I’ve seen how becoming what you longed to be only lasts for a minute. I’ve seen how one sweet hope that gets stolen or is forced to be given up because of hardship or loss can break a strong soul.

I keep painting because like probably you, I want to become the mama who lived life fully not the one who decided she couldn’t keep on.

Feed your soul. Cook. Write. Paint. Sing. Dance. Plant your roses.

Every bit of you is the beauty you’re becoming.

The battle we all fight, the hard one?

The battle not to let ourselves quit, not to let our hopes go.

Continue and believe.

Secrets Above

Children, confidence, contentment, courage, Uncategorized

I saw the white of crescent moon against the azure blue at dusk yesterday. I began today looking up and knowing a photo could never capture the beauty of the current constellation.

Now the place in the back corner is orange fading towards grayish blue.

“Good Morning, God” we will say.

I read last night of someone being uncertain of life after death, of eternity meaning Heaven or Hell, of thinking only what we do in the present matters. The good we do towards our neighbor is more to be believed in than Hell or Heaven.

I felt a tear begin, I sat still on my mama’s old chair, sad that others don’t believe in heaven and tender because I do.

Tender, because I didn’t always.

I understand.

It’s hard to imagine. I think of loved ones long gone. I want to imagine how it will be when I see them in heaven.

I believe, even though I don’t fully know how heaven will be.

Lately, that feels like courage and I’ve never really thought myself to be courageous.

Courageous enough to know everything I’ve prayed for, prayed about, prayed broken and burdened has been heard.

Jesus, seated beside God the Father has seen my sorrows, successes and haphazardness in belief.

It’s almost impossible to know it’s the same for every single human who has decided to be courageous is to simply believe.

Even when believing doesn’t take away the hard, the bitter, the devastating circumstances.

It’s hard to believe in heaven, easier to believe “above us only sky”.

I look up. We hear the breeze in trees, call out to the birds, examine the clouds and occasionally close our eyes in a silent, listening prayer.

A toddler and I.

Above me are my sorrows surrendered, my questions presented, my likemindedness with Jesus.

If heaven is hard, even impossible to imagine for you, try picturing all your secret sorrows, anxious questions, angry disputes, and tender moments when you prayed and you felt certain something bigger than you knew what no one else was allowed or could.

Imagine, above you only mercy, only grace, only strength to endure.

Only love.

Imagine your secrets being safe.

Endure.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11-12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

For the joy set before us, we endure.

Well Done

“God is breathing on me.” a two year old, her face turned towards the trees

Time, Seasons and Shalom

contentment, courage, Faith, grace, grief, hope, Peace, Redemption, Salvation, Stillness, Trust, Vulnerability, waiting, wisdom, wonder

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1-8‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Every morning now, I open the back sliding door. Like a chef waving his hand over the skillet to invite the aroma upward, I invite the changing season in.

I step out and feel the change on my bare feet. The flowers drying to brittle fragile brown while others are vibrant still.

I read this morning about “Shalom”, an invitation to seeking peace.

Shalom, a greeting or a farewell in ancient days, “Peace”.

Priscilla Garatti

It’s a thing I can’t fully understand, how peace was established for us and how we’re supposed to believe it, cling to it, trust it

When it makes no sense.

The page in my Psalms and Proverbs book has faded names from a decade ago.

“Ginny”, a mama whose teenage son died by suicide. I wonder now how she and her husband are doing. If they’ve found moments of peace.

I woke to see that a friend has suffered the loss of a grandchild.

Nothing to do, but pray.

Pray for peace in unfathomably sad things.

Prayer comforts. It was long established for us, the way to peace, the place to seek.

A quiet room, standing still with the changing grass cushioning bare feet or with a friend with Jesus too, holding hands, being held.

“Honor me by trusting in me in your day of trouble. Cry aloud to me, and I will be there to rescue you.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭50:15‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Shalom.

Continue and believe.

Your Power is Your Peace

bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, Faith, family, hope, memoir, Salvation, Stillness, Trust, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder, writing

Day 9 of the 31 days of writing prompts caused me to groan.

Power.

I turned to weakness, my default or maybe not so much my fragility, but the preference not to lead, not to be involved in anything that requires power, assertion or influence of others.

Those days are done.

Afforded me time to take the blinders off, the struggles and strengths of others for way too long buffered what God needed and needs me to see in me.

It’s been long overdue and good.

Power?

Can we call it strength instead?

Then, I remembered my waking thoughts I framed with prayer.

Lord, help me know what those I love need from me.

The answer came eventually.

The strength I’ve been certain of going on a year.

Peace. I need to be peace. Not a peacemaker, interventionist or conflict resolver.

No, simply, I need to be at peace.

To be peace.

“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:9‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I need to “make peace” in others’ lives by example.

With this comes strength. With this comes a power that enables me to do for those I love or simply encounter.

Surrender is a big requirement, but one that brings ease. Clear vision of your own issues leads to change.

Peace is not getting what I want or want for others. Peace is giving whatever perplexes me continuously to God.

The result?

I grow stronger. I have peace.

I am peace for others.

Your not so secret power?

Peace.

My Encouragement to You

Angels, bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, Faith, Prayer, Redemption, Salvation, testimony, Trust, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder, writing

Suppose I post this little graphic on social media today, maybe add one word “please” in front of “pray”.

There may be a flurry of questions, curiosity over what in the world is wrong with Lisa?! (now).

Or maybe others would think…

there she goes again, talking about things she should keep to herself.

Either could be the case.

But, it is encouragement.

Pray.

The tattered book I’m revisiting has no dates beside the entries of my thoughts. There’s a smiley face beside a verse, dog-eared corners from not sure when. There are prayers, quite personal on the pages.

Prayers that have been heard, met with either answer or with growth, changes in me and situations.

Peace in the form of acceptance.

My prayers were heard.

They will be today.

Whether they’re the confident gratitude that thanks God for knowing or

The bewildered surrender that finds me face down and allowing tears. No words, just flow.

Or simply, again.

Thank you for today. I woke up well.

Recently someone likened “thinking about it” to “praying about it”.

Said it’s the same, just semantics.

I can say with certainty it is not. We can not know everything and so our thoughts are incapable of changing our conditions.

I’ll be careful here. I’m not a theologian and I’ve begged God for things I’ve yet to see.

But, oh the things I have been shown. It astounds me all the times I’ve prayed and resisted the urge to take action.

God has sweetly surprised me.

A phone call longed for that pops up, a request for Jesus to put his healing hands on a family, a plea for knowing more clearly than ever His nearness and protection.

Three very recent answered prayers.

A pleading soul is the soul at peace, at peace with its position in this universe.

“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:4-7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Lord, thank you for changing my understanding of prayer, of bringing me to here, a place to boldly say to others, “my encouragement to you is that you make prayer a priority.” Help me to help others see the powerfully available connection to you, the one who fully knows us.

Lord, keep teaching me to pray. In Jesus Name and because of your great mercy, I say

Amen.

Here’s the book I’ve cherished, full of praise, wisdom and prayers of desperation. http://Words of Wisdom: A Life-Changing Journey through Psalms and Proverbs https://www.amazon.com/dp/141439943X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_MJRAV5Y5AWZKE0A9D19M

Knowing A Little

Abuse Survivor, bravery, confidence, contentment, Faith, Peace, Redemption, rest, Stillness, surrender, waiting, wisdom
What I Know

What’s one question you have? An intrusion in your thoughts that refuses to go on its way?

How does God feel about questions?

Us knowing a little, but aching to know everything.

I wondered.

A little may be all you’re supposed to know and may just be enough.

This way of thinking came after praying. To put it into practice, I listed the things I do know. They outnumbered those I don’t.

My vision is blurry. My understanding is unfinished. My conclusions are often skewed. I’m patterned to protect myself, to anticipate bad news, to not be knocked down by surprise.

So, I like to know it all.

I’m changing though.

I know goodness and grace and that my prayers are heard.

I know enough.

Because, I’m not yet whole and well, I’m not God.

I can just know a little.

If I use what I see as the answer to a long coddled question, I’ll forever be longing for earthly evidence, confirmation and rest.

When I understand I’m only supposed to see just a glimpse, the glimpse meant for me, and I trust that God alone needs to comprehend the rest

I won’t need the whole picture.

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I’ll just need my view.

The view often found at the foot of the cross, the floor beside my bed.

Patient Little Prayers

confidence, contentment, courage, doubt, Faith, hope, Peace, Prayer, Stillness, Vulnerability, waiting, wonder

Tuesdays are early days, good if I wake on my own, no shrill of startling alarm.

I did today. Turned to my husband’s side to see the red lit time after waking with the words.

Pray about everything.

Two minutes shy of alarm, 4:58.

Pray about everything. Be still. Hope endures. Trust and wait. Pray and be patient.

A word comes to mind as I find verses to reference prayer.

Platitudes, do my notes to self, casual recommendations to others feel less like truth and more catchy phrase, a platitude?

Maybe.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Patience is the word prompt today. Who of us is bold enough or certain enough to say,

“be patient”?

Be patient, this season of death, distress and division will be over soon.

Maybe we did last year this time, but now it feels/sounds like an empty platitude.

So, here’s an idea. Keep praying. Keep being patient.

Maybe it’s with your husband who says soon we’ll redo the bathroom. Maybe it’s with the person in the little old truck either worked all night or just in no hurry and you can’t safely pass.

Be patient.

Repotted your orchid and you see green on the branches after all this time? Be patient.

Patience is a practice. Prayer too.

Pray now, something tiny.

Wait.

Watch your patience grow

and change from a shallow teeny hope, even crazy thing to something better.

Evidence only you will feel and know.

Be patient. Be small. See your world this way and pray.

Continue and believe.

Thunder and Comfort

Abuse Survivor, contentment, Peace, Stillness, Vulnerability

Across the road towards the Southside of town, the horizon is the color of a brand new bruise.

Undeniably, a storm is coming and like the signs warning of a coming backhand across your cheek or a vicious grab, you know this color, you are familiar with the warning.

In my little corner I sit and listen to the distant noise of thunder.

Sounding like men strong arming an old chest across the attic floor.

I am quiet. I’m well. I am safe.

Waiting for the rain has become a favorite thing. The air brushing my shoulder, a kiss-like surprise.

A drop, is it here?

The storm?

I will it to come slowly, to carefully creep closer like the left outside kitten.

I hope I can sit for just a bit

Under the crepe myrtles in the corner where the little table now lives, in the center my mama’s broken pot and the waxy succulents.

Thriving.

I am comfortable here.

Here comes the storm and along with it I see in my hurry, the first fragile flower of Fall.

Pink camellia, gently strong and one to be depended on.

Comfort.

Comfortable here.

Here comes the storm.

Notice what brings comfort. Thunder, a pink flower, a new sitting spot in your evening yard. Stay there.

Return often.

Peace as the Reason

Abuse Survivor, bravery, contentment, courage, eating disorder, Faith, hope, Peace, Trust, Vulnerability

I have a new journal with space for three things, labeled “finding your focus”.

Holiness

Health

and Change

are today’s, likely tomorrow as well.

About change, it has become clear to me that we do not change when our shame or shame meted out by others is the motivator.

I look in the mirror and see my mama’s rounded shape.

I remember her walking through the house in her bra and panties and thinking “Oh, Lord have mercy, isn’t she ashamed?”

But, she wasn’t. She was just her.

The waist I inherited from her has almost gone away, padded now by a layer. For months now I’ve watched my belly decide it’s time for me to accept it.

Or change.

I look in the mirror and I acknowledge this 61 year old body. This looking sideways in the full length is a reflection, is change.

I assure you, it’s progress in the right direction, the not darting quickly to the closet or only using the bathroom mirror.

Because looking is simply seeing and not allowing shame to suffocate me with the reality of my excess weight.

I don’t believe in shaming myself any longer. It’s not productive, effective or motivating.

Shame does not prompt change, only forces an action that is not maintained.

Nothing good comes by force. Force and peace are opposing motivators.

Change comes when we allow ourselves to embrace the slow work of hope.

When we begin to believe the distant promise of the peace that changing that damaging, unhealthy, harmful behavior will bring.

But, not suddenly will we see and that’s the thing about change.

We must have a sort of dreamlike vision towards what we don’t yet see.

We must want peace, not a tiny waistline or kicking a habit we’ve used as a treat or comfort.

We must believe peace is within reach, that we were born to live in peace.

And be brave enough to moment by moment not shame ourselves into change, rather to change because

Peace is the reason. Peace is our attainable hope.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11-13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

This post is part of a series on change for October along with other writers in the Five Minute Friday community.

Grace Like Change

contentment, courage, Faith, grace, Vulnerability, writing

Years ago, a novice at blogging and a dreamer of sorts, I participated in 31 days of writing in October. Here I am on the 2nd of October giving myself grace and deciding one day late is okay as long as you simply write. That grace towards myself is a decision towards change.

not “sun” flowers

From my kitchen window I see the geraniums have given up and the thick brittle stalks with yellow flowers are going crazy again. Reaching way up like tiny trees they’ll stand tall until they can’t anymore.

One already laying across the grass, soon others will bend and the path towards my sitting spot will be a maze of these yellow flowers that are not sunflowers, only a cousin of them.

Last year, and years before I stepped outside in a huff and I’d stomp on the branches or move through them loudly as if it was my assignment to destroy the nuisance of a late summer flower gone crazy.

Today, I let them be, these all of a sudden crazy come back every September weeds. (I do believe they’re invasive weeds.)

I’ll not protest the lingering into November dead on the bottom flowers with the happy yellow tops that just won’t give up.

I’ll watch them stay. I’ll allow them their season. I will be content in considering there must be a reason they linger.

I’ll respond with grace. True, the flowers won’t know. My husband likely won’t notice.

But, grace, the giving of it is a practice. Maybe a way to embrace it.

Either way it’s change.

This grace that becomes like breathing, natural and all over the place.

Grace like flowers not giving up. Grace is change.

I’m here for it.

Today’s prompt?

Content. I’m content in the grace of change.

“But godliness with contentment is great gain,”
‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭6:6‬ ‭ESV‬‬