Day 15: looking for good- birdsongs

Children, Trust
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glorious morn

The sun was glorious and bright as I left for work this morning.

The birds were singing. Multitudes, in lyrical beauty.

I had an appointment first thing,  a member of our Bereavement group and we talked about grief, efforts and convictions. He noticed my bird feeder outside my window surrounded by tiny little finches and sparrows and he smiled.

He often stops by to ask for clarification or review of our meeting. He is abreast of the most recent research on suicide prevention and is outspoken for suicide prevention in our local community. He has lost most of his hearing and is contemplating cochlear implants.

His daughter, Valerie, whom he misses dearly loved birds. She called every Saturday, from the Midwest.

He anticipated her call, and sat peacefully on the back porch.

It was their ritual, he said.

“Dad, I hear the birds, it’s a glorious morning” she would say.

He would reply, “Oh, yeah, what do they sound like?”

“Everyday, Saturday”  he said, smiling,  “she told me exactly what the birds were singing and it was special.”

I smiled and thanked him for sharing such a special story, a blessing.

I will open the windows of heaven and pour out a blessing for you.  Malachi 3:10

Day 14: looking for good- Apology and Authenticity

courage, Faith, Trust

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Day 13, yesterday,  of the 31 Days of Writing challenge and the writing became the thing I dread most, a competition, a race, a comparison of lives.

Yesterday’s post was true. It was accurate. It conveyed the facts of the effects of abuse on women. I hit publish and I met my daily goal. That is all, and for me, that’s a shame.

Devoid of emotion though, a big facade for what really occurred between two women with a history of abuse.

To me, it wasn’t even creative… a misuse of the joy of putting words together as a story.

I was able to elaborate to some extent the feelings of remembering abusive behaviors.

My description of the events were true.

A summary is all, though.

If the story had been authentic it may have included details into why I relate so well to a woman afraid to give notice to an angry employer for fear of anger, screaming, disapproval. But, it wasn’t a story of fear or courage, or any emotion really.

It was shallow.

Earlier this week, I had an epiphany of sorts.

I have these often lately. Perhaps it’s my age. Maybe it’s the exposure of such diverse struggle in my job. Probably, my age… chronological and life experience age with a big heaping of godly conviction steadily growing more evident.

I feel good about that conviction.

I care more about truth than approval. More about honesty than popularity.

It seems I’m becoming more and more discerning as to purpose and path.

Guided by God, I am convinced.

My epiphany, my strong and profound, lingering thought involved authenticity.

I proclaimed via Facebook: “I am thinking alot about living authentically and purposefully for God…a commitment to be consistent in living what I believe, to leave a legacy.”

Morbid? No, not for those who know my heart. My sister liked it. She knows my heart.

So, here’s a commitment to self and God: more writing from the heart, unfiltered God-placed stories of grace, of courage, of struggle, of peace and redemption.

Effortless and authentic

Apologies to all who saw right through the empty, although descriptive and articulate words of yesterday.

I’m back on track.

Day 13: looking for good- courage, my perspective

Faith, Uncategorized

10152232023311203She came to our shelter, she and her daughter, victims of abuse. No family here, all overseas. She had followed her military husband back to our State and ended in a tiny little town with a damaged, injured, bitter husband.

He became violent. They, afraid and alone hiding in a closet from threats of a shotgun rampage were able to leave safely.

They moved into our shelter and shared a bedroom without a window. Just a room, in a house.

A room of solace. A place at the end of the day with predictable calm.

Undereducated, afraid, cowering in public, over time the fear and anxiety eased. Her daughter blossomed, happy and outgoing. Mama went back to school. I was teary-eyed the day I saw them both baptized.

Months later, in their own place, mama has a job and a car. This is what we define, in non-profit logic model language, a successful outcome.

She is now a member of our Board.

Yet, today she came by to announce a new job with a better salary and benefits. I  hugged her and asked when she starts.   “That’s the thing, she said, I’m afraid to give my notice, I am so afraid.”

“You don’t like conflict do you, you worry about their reaction, right?”   She said,  “Yes, I know they are going to be mean.”

I continued, suggesting she read a devotional or scripture in the morning and pray.   “Handle it the very first thing.”  I said.  My assistant added,  “You have no reason not to improve yourself,  no one would blame you.”

She heard, but wasn’t listening, agonizing over what she had to do.  We typed up a resignation letter and she was a little better.

I hugged her again, and reminded her of her timeline with us, every  single baby and big step, knowing this new step would make her even stronger.

She left.

I turned to my assistant announcing,   “And that is what being physically and verbally abused to the point of hiding in a closet will do to you. ”

But it gets better over time, easier with each and every facing of fears, of angry people, controlling people, people who have insecurities, problems of their own.

Today was a gift, a reminder of redemption.

A chance to share what I know.

The gift of perspective, the courage to use my past hurts, fears, anxieties and sorrows even, for good…for God.

Courage is a good thing, good made better and better with every challenge.

Day 12: looking for good- acceptance and change

Faith, rest
Grace

Grace

Change of season

A fallen leaf,once vibrant green, now an ochre shade of autumn found its way mingled with the brights of summer.

Grace and acceptance welcomed it there.

The first sharp chill of Fall, I shiver, tense, my arms crossed for warmth,  thrown into the change.

I adjust, I accept, but I’m still reluctant and reminiscent about seashells,fireworks and sunshine.

We are at the mercy of the seasons, we moan. Our days are intermittently Summer and Fall in the South as if God in His sovereign grace is saying “Okay, I can see you were not quite ready, I’ll give you a little more time to accept this change.”

And then, like the crusted leaf amongst the pink we find ourselves lounging in backyards, immersed in novel or play and we, eyes closed, become passionate about the wind’s clean, clear freshness against our faces.

Grace and acceptance. We welcome change.

God is good. He has good for us. He understands our stubborn hearts afraid of change, resistant to change.

He is grace, mercy, love and mostly patience. In time, we welcome change.

Day 11: looking for good, not best

Motherhood, Prayer, Uncategorized
Spur of the moment trip Labor Day '99

Spur of the moment trip Labor Day ’99

Yesterday, I skimmed through an article about parents and the pressure for our children to best. Essentially, the writer expressed that we start out wanting what’s best for our children and before we know it’s a striving, anxious effort for them to be the best.

When I think about the things that have been best for my children, I think of the best of times, of experiences, of opportunities to let God shine through them. I don’t really think about their “shining moments” I think about the times of simply them being them.

Aren’t we all at our best when our efforts are effortless, from the heart, natural, uncalculated, unplanned?

I think about  this Labor Day trip to the beach, my first as a single parent with nothing but enough gas to make it to Tybee Island and some sandwiches.

I think about just last week when Heather and I squeezed onto the couch together watching HGTV.

I think about Austin fishing with his grandma and Heather climbing the big magnolia in her yard.

I think about Austin playing his guitar and Heather singing along with Praise music on Sunday morning.

I think about their character, being told by an admiring 9th grader when he discovers I’m Austin’s mom, “He is the nicest person on the team. He is always nice to me.”

I think about Heather’s face when she talks about her students, especially the boys and how she wants them to grow up and be strong men.

I think about the evidence of good in my babies, now grown and I remind them, God is good.

I remind myself, he has designed their unique best, His plan.

Not Mine.

I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. Isaiah 48:17

Day 10: looking for good-found and treasured

Faith, rest, Trust, Uncategorized

PaperArtist_2014-05-17_20-17-01_kindlephoto-5671790

Today, I watched a little boy kneeling in the grass holding a feather. He held tightly, eyes studying spine in the middle as his tiny fingers rubbed the velvety shape, smoothing it upward. I wondered what he thought. He was captivated by the feather. In a crowd of parade goers, he was intent, his sweet spirit comforted by his found feather.

Last week, I stopped by my parents’ graves in the old hillside family cemetery. I was disappointed to find the grass overgrown and some of the most stately cedar trees either damaged or decaying.

I left a penny on daddy’s grave and replanted pansies for mama.  Silly to plant pansies in a clay pot when I’m two hours away?  Probably. It’s a tradition, though. Like the penny and a rooster every Christmas.

Visiting the cemetery is a weighty appointment. We either go because we should or we go hoping to connect. It’s a contradiction of love and misery.

Sometimes we leave feeling as sad and afraid as the day we stood, circled with family when we buried our mamas and daddies.

“No one ever tells us grief feels so like fear.” C. S. Lewis

Walking towards my car for the drive back home, I glance over and see a feather, pristine and white with touches of cobalt blue…l placed it tenderly in my lap and drove.

I’ve found three more since.  Tomorrow, is the anniversary of my daddy’s death, 16 years ago.

God is good. Small things, big love kind of good.

Be captivated and comforted.

God is good. He has good for us.

Day 9: looking for good – priorities and patience

Children, Motherhood, rest, Trust

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There was a Day 8, it was yesterday.

I compiled a set of sentences about a verse in Ecclesiastes reminding me that God’s timing is good, in fact it is perfect. (Ecc. 3:11) My post was brief. It conveyed the value of waiting for God’s best instead of agonizing over the future.

It was a timely blog, because my son and I had visited a college in an effort to choose his next four years. The day had us both worn out. Maybe, we were both rushing ahead of God. By the time I was ready to publish my post, I had decided to take a break from the college talk. I was told to “chill out.”

Sounded good to me.

I could use a break.

All this talk of college and empty nest, of pressure and schools and leaving home had almost erupted earlier anyway. Just a little thing almost made me react uncharacteristically to be that mama who rants about all I’ve done. Not sure what’s more exhausting, thinking about the empty nest or pretending I’ll be okay.

We made it home from the college visit without too much of me “asking too many questions” and we were still good, me seeing him off to workouts with an audible “Love you too”  reply.

Something happened when I posted and I ended with a post and a link so I needed to trash one and then there was nothing left but a link that made no sense to me.

Panic ensued, fix this quick before someone sees it!

I was struggling with correcting this link error when my daughter came in plopped down on the couch. My daughter, the amazing teacher who tells me the sweetest stories of her students, a grad student at night. She is determined; but, exhausted last night.  She was more than tired, though, she needed an ear. I saw it on her face.

She had a friend who needed to cry earlier so she had listened. She wanted to tell me this story. I half-heartedly listened for a few minutes and caught my self. I know she did too. We do not like to be not “pretend”listened to.

I set the computer aside, turned to face her, listening to more of the story. Then, we both said “Love you, good night” and went to bed.

 

So, never mind about Day 8, I had bigger priorities than fixing a post, skipping a Challenge Day.

Because Day 8’s verse was so good it is Day 9’s:

He has made everything beautiful in His time. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Day 7: Looking for good – good enough

Faith, Trust

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  I am blown away by the number of people who blog.  Seriously, so many blogs!

Really good-looking blogs all sleek and shiny. Their layouts and their posts, polished and relevant. Normally, this would be the time for me to slip back and say, “Oh, no way I can’t compete, this wasn’t for me”.

I do not like competition. Nor do I care for accolades.  I like being me and resting in that.

Competition and comparison take me back to my fat little girl days.

Lined up next up to an array of blogs was beginning to feel like comparing outfits in middle school and hearing “yours looks homemade!”

So, I was thinking today, “Does my blog matter, am I embarrassing myself?”

Maybe I need to focus on a topic of value.

I could blog about a variety of more relevant subjects. Write about things besides my faith and my stories and observations of life and lesson.

I could tell all about the non-profit world of mental health, how to write a grant, how to run a homeless program, and how to listen to a parent who lost a child to suicide. I could recall working in the field of child abuse and I could tell you some stories about families I met and I could tell you even more about my opinions of our flawed child welfare system.

I wondered, would that make a better blogger? Would my stats graph climb higher? Or, maybe if I were more savvy and understood all the widgets and configurations…maybe then I would join the ranks of really good bloggers.

But, that’s not my “quiet confidence, story-teller way of doing things, not my heart.

My blog matters to me even if I only have a few readers. It is a joyous experience for me. An experience that’s a step towards my memoir, something I feel is a God-planted, a prayerful goal. My blog is a commentary for good…for God.  It’s my sharing of the good that’s come my way through God and of  what good will come.

Like a blank canvas in a sunny room.  It is tranquil.

Like brush strokes blending peaceful colors, it flows. It is not toil.

It is good…God-given good.

It is enough…more than enough.

Day 6 : looking for good-pastels and pines

Faith, Uncategorized
Mama's pines

Mama’s pines

I paint unexpectedly and spontaneously. Like writing, my soul is nourished when color meets surface. Writing and art… quiet,nondescript, random, sometimes bravely, graphic.

Quiet, simple, deeply personal…two things I love, expressions of memories, lessons,and images of a life in the country, looking up to heaven, through skinny branches of ancient pines.

God is good. The sweetest of gifts have colored my life. Art…words and pictures.

Day 4: Looking for good: laundry lamenting

Faith, Motherhood
my beautiful children

my beautiful children

Today, I read from Lamentations as Jeremiah implored me to remember that God’s mercies endure and his faithfulness is great.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22

I was bogged down in laundry. Consumed, I thought. Yes, I am consumed with laundry! The sky was a glorious blue and the air was crisp and clear to breathe in. Yet, I was on load three and had the vacuum cleaner out still in my PJ’s at 1:00.

I see my son, freshly showered and he reminds me we are supposed to go shopping. I finish up and shower and dress quickly, to spend a day with my 17-year-old.

I almost complained, I thought about ranting, moaning, complaining about the laundry. I even typed a Facebook post of   “I don’t think Jeremiah knew about laundry when he talked about the Lord’s mercies being new every morning because the only thing new here are socks underwear and towels…every morning!” As if calling Jeremiah out about laundry would make me feel better. Of course not, I hit Delete Post and headed back to change out the loads.

And now, Saturday night and my house is clean. My son and I shopped and had pizza together. My daughter, after searching through her laundry and finding her cute cardigan, had a spectacularly  beautiful college football day. She was beautiful and happy! After a day of  winding through country roads with her country man she will come home to  her pretty little bedroom…clean sheets, emptied trash and laundry done. My son, surrounded by friends and the first bonfire of the year on this beautiful, brightly moonlit night.

God is good. Laundry is unending; but,God is good.

His compassions are new every morning.