Day 29: looking for good- dirt road to home

family, Motherhood, Uncategorized, Vulnerability
digging potatos

Digging potatoes A hundred years from now…the world will be different because of moments like these, with my children, dirt road riding, potato digging, grandma visits.

The joy of my mama’s house, my grandma’s house was in the dirt.  There was a path, a cut through to the pond that stretched right down the middle of soybeans on one side and corn on the other. When the corn grew high we couldn’t see my grandma’s house shaded by chinaberry trees. Those days, we’d run through the field, green corn stalks and silky leaves swishing against our skin.

Every year, my daddy planted potatoes and when the weather turned cool, the days shorter it was time to dig.  All our hands diggin’ them up at harvest.  I remember my daddy holding the little new potatoes, caressing them, dusting off the dirt and then rubbing them smooth before tossing each potato into the washtub.

The Fall before he died was his last harvest.  Heather and Austin sat in the dirt, laid in the dirt tumbling around while my daddy, feeble, yet determined supervised the potato digging. The cousins sitting in the field, their bottoms cushioned by the cool, damp autumn soil.

Little fingers sifting through the sand, enamored by its touch.

The cool, smooth pieces of home.

We moved away after daddy died; but, came back to grandma’s most weekends. We’d pack up and make the trip winding roads from Carolina to Georgia just to be in the country with grandma.

To run in the fields, fish off the dock, play tricks on grandma’s scavenger dog, Sunny.

Mama kept telling us the County was going to be paving the road.  She’d say,  “These people have raised enough hell, and running up and down the roads driving too fast, I guess they’ll get what they want!”   But, months and years went by and we still walked to the creek run-around and picked blackberries in the deep ditches. Heather learning to drive as we explored the hills, curves and valleys on the dirt roads of Peacock Hill.

Mama warned us one day they had paved the roads. “You’ll see next time you come”.  She tried to prepare us, describe the way the road had changed and how there were no more curves but stop signs and markers for my granddaddy’s road, “W.D. Peacock Rd.”

So. we hit the road to Georgia, to the house set back on the pond, down twisting dirt road off the highway, following the path to grandma’s .

Making our usual turn off the Highway 80, it just got quiet in the car. Time stopped, the wheels turned and the car moved, tentatively as we mourned the road.  Usually, I’d switch drivers, running around the back off the car, skipping along, passing Heather on the way to let her take my place behind the wheel or Austin sometimes would plop in my lap, steering.

But, the fascination gone now, we drove on like good, city travelers on a busy highway, my children behaving like a trip to school or the Dr. or even to church.

Resigned to accept the change, the journey had lost its joy.

Not the destination though, grandma’s house…at the end of the rutted, filled with washed out gulleys from rain, bumpy slow going path through the soybeans.

We lingered on the dirt driveway, bouncing along, falling into each other with every dip, slower, more intentional than usual.

Our brief time on the dirt road…our glorious dirt road home

Prompted earlier to think of home, to write about home, http://jenniferdukeslee.com

Day 28: looking for good- The clearing ahead

Faith, rest, Trust, Uncategorized

 

Driving up a mountain, snow swirling around and tire marks fading into white, my daughter calls to say they were slow going; but, making it up the mountain. Unsure how far the driver would go, just knowing the only way to go was through.

We’re not really snow people. It’s pretty. But snow has a way of setting us in, locking us down.

We overreact, we anticipate cabin fever type crazy.

And then we are okay. We watch, listen to the peaceful falling, the splendid silence. We embrace the sedentary.

So, when I got the text with this photo, I panicked. Even more when my daughter added, ” we can’t really see where  we’re going.”

Eventually, they made it. She, athletic and determined attempted to ski, but soon realized dressing in cute clothes and sipping coffee was just fine. Watching snow fall.

Not seeing a way forward is scary.

Do you keep moving forward?

Turn around and go back to the place you know?

Do nothing? Do something? Wait it out?

I’ve been thinking about hearing God, sensing His will.

Some things I’m waiting to know.

Some questions without answers, pressure I can’t relieve.

So I quiet my mind, my ranting, my incessant anxious rolling over in mind of what if, what if not.

I get quiet, because I realize God is just ahead in the clearing, around the corner, at the brink of a new day.

I get close, closer still.

Quiet enough to hear, to see.

God has much to say to us.

Imagine drifting so far or being so focused on the unseen, the unforeseeable we miss His voice. Stay close and quiet enough to hear Him, just ahead in the clearing.

Day 27: looking for good – easy on myself

Faith, rest, Uncategorized
Not so serious side.  "Does this artwork make my butt look big.?"

Not so serious side.
“Does this artwork make my butt look big?”

 

 

Last night, after a long day, I chose to skip writing. At choir practice, my friend Melissa told me  “You are such an encourager, they should put you in pill form.” I thought, “Well, there’s something to blog about, what people think of me.”

I felt good about the choice not to force a blog post last night..not to give in to pressure.

Nothing good comes by force.

I don’t give in to pressured requests, self-imposed or otherwise as often as before. I give myself more breaks, surprise people when I don’t have all the answers. I laugh more than people expect, always more and when least expected.

There’s a phrase I use quite often. I’ve shared it with women like myself who often are asked to do things, because we just do things so well.

I have learned to say, confidently, head tilted with a smile. “I will not over-commit to under-serve.”  You’d be amazed at the responses.  Most people are surprised when I speak my mind, writing is one thing, confidently asserting myself in spoken word is rare.

People are either in disbelief that I said “No, not now”  or they are so thrilled to have a valid reason to say “No”  themselves that they’re just standing there thinking, “Wow, when can I say this?”

Another recent realization, multi-tasking is not a superpower!

It is not something to aspire to, nor does it make me superior to others in my family because I do it so well…at least until I fall into my chair at home and want no one to talk to me.

Last week, I sent my son a text advising him of family plans.

Apparently my abbreviations made no sense. He, in his handsomely sarcastic way, replied “Why don’t you use your writing skills and intelligence in your texts?”

So, I replied that I am very busy, have a project due and someone with me now in my office, yet I stopped to reply to your text, adding   “BTW, did you know that multi-tasking shrinks your brain?”

His reply, (why did I not see this coming?)

“Well , maybe you should stop multi-tasking right now!”

So, I thought, maybe writing 31 days has made writing a demand, not a joy. I felt my writing on the verge of flat.

Maybe, the pressure to link up, share, group blog, group post is too much.

Maybe I am “over-blogging” to “under-write.”

“It’s not that serious, Lisa. Take a break.”

This morning, my mind refreshed I found, a story building

Words, again relevant.

Quietly confident

Sharing tomorrow, my strength following a time of returning and resting. (Isaiah 30:15)

Day 25: looking for good – these girls, this bond

Children, courage, family, Uncategorized
h and m

h and m

Looking through boxes of old photos this morning for my son’s Senior yearbook, I kept going back to the ones of these two.

Their faces, studies in strength; feisty with just enough fun and fearlessness. Always leaning in, holding each other close. Every single shot, same thing, stuck like glue.

An outdoor concert with a boy band, holding hands in one photo, squealing, arms over their heads in another, barefoot on a summer night in Georgia

Two girls with curled hair in scratchy dresses on Easter

Another wrestling beagles, rolling in the grass

Perched high up a pine tree on a blue sky day

Skinny dippin’ in grandma’s pool with watermelon bellies

Taking grandma’s car through the soybean field and doing donuts round and round

Growing up, missing grandma, one holding the other

Holding tight, staying close

Two young women, bodies and smiles synched in pose, poised, confident and no reservations

Strong, loud, opinionated, determined, and honest.

Beautiful, smart, and brave

Have each other’s heart…each others back

That’s what friends (and cousins) are for. Late, long phone calls, laughing, crying, listening…loving.

The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume. Proverbs 27:9

Day 23: looking for good – in the wide open

courage, Uncategorized, Vulnerability
 brave Ivy Grace

brave Ivy Grace

Writing is like jumping off a high dock in marshy water.

Faces hovering nearby waiting to see you brave, each a commentary of probability vs. doubt.

Then, just like the arms wide open descent into the watery blue…the writer, heart wide open, writes her soul and approached by a friend hears  “I feel what you write.”

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside.”  Maya Angelou

Day 22: looking for good – straining too hard to see

Children, courage, Faith, Motherhood, Prayer, rest, Trust, Vulnerability
Finding God

Finding God

Yesterday was a long day.

Still recovering from infection

Employees out

Deadlines and difficulties

Late meeting

These were the tangible.  Things I could resolve or at least improve by doing something.

The intangibles, though we’re swirling around my thoughts all day, one interrupting the other, colliding with tangible.

The thoughts, the questions, the lingering pending situations kept coming back around all day long. Intangibles are persistent interruptions.

What will the Dr.say tomorrow?

What if my employee is lying?

Will my children’s futures hold what they’ve worked for?

Hoped for…dreamed of?

Will they be healthy and free of emotional hardship? What if Ebola…?

Why do I feel my prayers aren’t heard?

Should I really believe that God has equipped me to write…to share my story for good?

And on and on until days end, driving to the evening meeting, an obligation for image sake.

Sometimes I sing my prayers. It’s a pretty amazing thing when it happens because it’s essentially a flow of thoughts, words. Like coming up with lyrics to a song…the words just come.

Not yesterday though…I started off,  Dear Lord, I’m thankful. I am grateful and….” then, nothing.

So, desperate words, spoken softly as I drove came easy.  “Dear Lord,  I just need to hear from you, to have a glimpse of good.”

Home an hour or so later, a usually tension filled meeting adjourned quickly.  My son is happy and home. My daughter announces her school’s major accomplishment received today, exactly a year since her 1st day teaching there. My son tweets Matthew 6:34. My daughter enjoys my cooking, saying “that’s some pretty good Quiche there, Lisa.”  I go to bed without a headache for first time in days. To be sure, I was thinking of my honest request, my prayer.

This morning, my Jesus Calling devotion started with finding Joy in my presence. A few lines later,

Recall that I am present with you whether you sense my Presence or not.  Then, start talking with me about whatever is on your mind. JESUS CALLING, Enjoying Peace in His Presence

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord.  I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.  Micah 7:7

Day 20: looking for good – enlightenment

courage, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability
Admitting to vulnerability

Admitting to vulnerability

This morning I learned something new, a different perspective.  I was enlightened by the wisdom of a young lady. A college student, brilliant and beautiful, Marissa.

I remember first meeting her. She was a middle school student, very tall, very thin and we met at our little country church, far from her home. She was beginning her journey in a blended family.

She had been displaced yet made the best of it. Resilient and intelligent, she succeeded at a country high school where Future Farmers of America was the club of choice. She graduated with honors and now attends one of the best Universities in our State.

Scrolling through Facebook this morning,  I see she has shared a TED talk. I typically continue scrolling. Something about her sharing though made it feel significant.

Intrigued, I watched and was enlightened in a perfectly appropriate way for me for this time. For my struggle of late.

I love when God does this!

My enlightenment? The more vulnerable I am, the stronger I am. Vulnerable people are courageous. 

Courageous about being imperfect, about being compassionate without reciprocation, about believing I am worthy of love.

Vulnerability is about connections that aren’t tainted by shame and fear.

Shame and fear perpetuate unworthy.

Thank you, M for being boldly vulnerable!

Thank you, Brene’ Brown! Your wisdom, timely.

Day 18/19: looking for good- Post-it verses

courage, Faith, Motherhood, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized
2014-10-19 08.14.48

Words of Wisdom: a journey through Psalms and Proverbs

It’s Sunday morning and I’m watching church on TV. It doesn’t happen often; but, I got sick. Not just my normal complaint of back pain, headache, exhaustion…but a real diagnosable condition.

Thankfully, better this morning and my husband says I look rested. Sans makeup, my eyes, he said look brighter.

I needed to rest.

I would not have stopped. I would have continued on my frantic balance of work, family,writing and become grouchier, meaner, more exhausted and annoyed.

So, just last week, I thanked God for my health.

This week, he’s calling me to rest, to actually demonstrate that I cherish my health

It’s one thing to say Thank you, Lord. Quite another to acknowledge that thanks with what God wants. In my case, slow down and rest in Him.

Gratitude needs to be tangible with God. Obedience, lived out. God is good, has good for us when we stop to notice.

Today, I glance at my devotional, filled with pencil notes, dog-eared pages and now tiny little post it tabs. A reminder, a declaration of God’s plan for my pain, my redemption, and my faith.

I know the significance of the tabs.Every page marked holds the place of a verse,  an exhortation to write.

Not just write, blog, or post commentary on life.

To write now is to be obedient. To go farther, unsure as I go.

To be obedient in using my story for good. To not be “afraid of failure and uncomfortable with success”, a description that sums up my doubt.

But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do.   Psalm 73:28

Day 16: looking for good – wisdom and common sense

family, Teaching

IMG_4776428009036

Today, my grandfather would have been 100.  In honor of him, I plan to try to use as much of his common sense as the day will allow. Common sense trumps wisdom.

Fishing is good even if they ain’t bitin.

A pot of white rice goes with anything.

Not everybody sitting in that church is going to heaven.

Never trust a liberal.

We miss you Dan-Dan, but your legacy lives on!