Day 10: looking for good-found and treasured

Faith, rest, Trust, Uncategorized

PaperArtist_2014-05-17_20-17-01_kindlephoto-5671790

Today, I watched a little boy kneeling in the grass holding a feather. He held tightly, eyes studying spine in the middle as his tiny fingers rubbed the velvety shape, smoothing it upward. I wondered what he thought. He was captivated by the feather. In a crowd of parade goers, he was intent, his sweet spirit comforted by his found feather.

Last week, I stopped by my parents’ graves in the old hillside family cemetery. I was disappointed to find the grass overgrown and some of the most stately cedar trees either damaged or decaying.

I left a penny on daddy’s grave and replanted pansies for mama.  Silly to plant pansies in a clay pot when I’m two hours away?  Probably. It’s a tradition, though. Like the penny and a rooster every Christmas.

Visiting the cemetery is a weighty appointment. We either go because we should or we go hoping to connect. It’s a contradiction of love and misery.

Sometimes we leave feeling as sad and afraid as the day we stood, circled with family when we buried our mamas and daddies.

“No one ever tells us grief feels so like fear.” C. S. Lewis

Walking towards my car for the drive back home, I glance over and see a feather, pristine and white with touches of cobalt blue…l placed it tenderly in my lap and drove.

I’ve found three more since.  Tomorrow, is the anniversary of my daddy’s death, 16 years ago.

God is good. Small things, big love kind of good.

Be captivated and comforted.

God is good. He has good for us.

Day 9: looking for good – priorities and patience

Children, Motherhood, rest, Trust

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There was a Day 8, it was yesterday.

I compiled a set of sentences about a verse in Ecclesiastes reminding me that God’s timing is good, in fact it is perfect. (Ecc. 3:11) My post was brief. It conveyed the value of waiting for God’s best instead of agonizing over the future.

It was a timely blog, because my son and I had visited a college in an effort to choose his next four years. The day had us both worn out. Maybe, we were both rushing ahead of God. By the time I was ready to publish my post, I had decided to take a break from the college talk. I was told to “chill out.”

Sounded good to me.

I could use a break.

All this talk of college and empty nest, of pressure and schools and leaving home had almost erupted earlier anyway. Just a little thing almost made me react uncharacteristically to be that mama who rants about all I’ve done. Not sure what’s more exhausting, thinking about the empty nest or pretending I’ll be okay.

We made it home from the college visit without too much of me “asking too many questions” and we were still good, me seeing him off to workouts with an audible “Love you too”  reply.

Something happened when I posted and I ended with a post and a link so I needed to trash one and then there was nothing left but a link that made no sense to me.

Panic ensued, fix this quick before someone sees it!

I was struggling with correcting this link error when my daughter came in plopped down on the couch. My daughter, the amazing teacher who tells me the sweetest stories of her students, a grad student at night. She is determined; but, exhausted last night.  She was more than tired, though, she needed an ear. I saw it on her face.

She had a friend who needed to cry earlier so she had listened. She wanted to tell me this story. I half-heartedly listened for a few minutes and caught my self. I know she did too. We do not like to be not “pretend”listened to.

I set the computer aside, turned to face her, listening to more of the story. Then, we both said “Love you, good night” and went to bed.

 

So, never mind about Day 8, I had bigger priorities than fixing a post, skipping a Challenge Day.

Because Day 8’s verse was so good it is Day 9’s:

He has made everything beautiful in His time. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Day 7: Looking for good – good enough

Faith, Trust

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  I am blown away by the number of people who blog.  Seriously, so many blogs!

Really good-looking blogs all sleek and shiny. Their layouts and their posts, polished and relevant. Normally, this would be the time for me to slip back and say, “Oh, no way I can’t compete, this wasn’t for me”.

I do not like competition. Nor do I care for accolades.  I like being me and resting in that.

Competition and comparison take me back to my fat little girl days.

Lined up next up to an array of blogs was beginning to feel like comparing outfits in middle school and hearing “yours looks homemade!”

So, I was thinking today, “Does my blog matter, am I embarrassing myself?”

Maybe I need to focus on a topic of value.

I could blog about a variety of more relevant subjects. Write about things besides my faith and my stories and observations of life and lesson.

I could tell all about the non-profit world of mental health, how to write a grant, how to run a homeless program, and how to listen to a parent who lost a child to suicide. I could recall working in the field of child abuse and I could tell you some stories about families I met and I could tell you even more about my opinions of our flawed child welfare system.

I wondered, would that make a better blogger? Would my stats graph climb higher? Or, maybe if I were more savvy and understood all the widgets and configurations…maybe then I would join the ranks of really good bloggers.

But, that’s not my “quiet confidence, story-teller way of doing things, not my heart.

My blog matters to me even if I only have a few readers. It is a joyous experience for me. An experience that’s a step towards my memoir, something I feel is a God-planted, a prayerful goal. My blog is a commentary for good…for God.  It’s my sharing of the good that’s come my way through God and of  what good will come.

Like a blank canvas in a sunny room.  It is tranquil.

Like brush strokes blending peaceful colors, it flows. It is not toil.

It is good…God-given good.

It is enough…more than enough.

Day 6 : looking for good-pastels and pines

Faith, Uncategorized
Mama's pines

Mama’s pines

I paint unexpectedly and spontaneously. Like writing, my soul is nourished when color meets surface. Writing and art… quiet,nondescript, random, sometimes bravely, graphic.

Quiet, simple, deeply personal…two things I love, expressions of memories, lessons,and images of a life in the country, looking up to heaven, through skinny branches of ancient pines.

God is good. The sweetest of gifts have colored my life. Art…words and pictures.

Day 5: looking for good -old songs

Uncategorized
Dirt road ridin'

Dirt road ridin’

Simple Sunday, sort of melancholy for family the way it used to be and a revisiting of a time in a big old house of twenty-something year old girls, free as birds in a tiny country town. Walking for the sake of  “staying active” and feeling just as old…I was listening to random Pandora music, unsatisfied by the feel, the mood.

When just like that I hear the velvet rasp and sweet take me back there words of James Taylor:  “You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am I’ll come runnin’…Winter, Spring, Summer or  Fall, all you gotta do is call. And I’ll be there, yes I will, you got a friend.” 

I stopped where I was, my heart filled with smiles and listened, head turned up towards the bluest of blue Fall sky.

I was back in the country, girls riding around on a Sunday afternoon, singing and living life in the moment…me and Mel, the friend of who taught me to live fearlessly, wholeheartedly and with no reservation. 

Going back to Georgia in my mind. 

A song and a time, at just the right time to remind me, I’ve got a friend.

God is good. Friends close in heart though separated by time and distance are good.

Looking and listening for good.

Day 4: Looking for good: laundry lamenting

Faith, Motherhood
my beautiful children

my beautiful children

Today, I read from Lamentations as Jeremiah implored me to remember that God’s mercies endure and his faithfulness is great.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22

I was bogged down in laundry. Consumed, I thought. Yes, I am consumed with laundry! The sky was a glorious blue and the air was crisp and clear to breathe in. Yet, I was on load three and had the vacuum cleaner out still in my PJ’s at 1:00.

I see my son, freshly showered and he reminds me we are supposed to go shopping. I finish up and shower and dress quickly, to spend a day with my 17-year-old.

I almost complained, I thought about ranting, moaning, complaining about the laundry. I even typed a Facebook post of   “I don’t think Jeremiah knew about laundry when he talked about the Lord’s mercies being new every morning because the only thing new here are socks underwear and towels…every morning!” As if calling Jeremiah out about laundry would make me feel better. Of course not, I hit Delete Post and headed back to change out the loads.

And now, Saturday night and my house is clean. My son and I shopped and had pizza together. My daughter, after searching through her laundry and finding her cute cardigan, had a spectacularly  beautiful college football day. She was beautiful and happy! After a day of  winding through country roads with her country man she will come home to  her pretty little bedroom…clean sheets, emptied trash and laundry done. My son, surrounded by friends and the first bonfire of the year on this beautiful, brightly moonlit night.

God is good. Laundry is unending; but,God is good.

His compassions are new every morning.

Day 3: Good words: God-given,God shared

Faith, rest, Trust
more boldly, more clearly

more boldly, more clearly

Day three of this new, expanding my horizons writing/ linking/ blogging exercise and I woke feeling slightly illiterate in the blogger world. My writing for the past year or so had become a joyous spilling of my soul that was so,so special. Unlike journals scattered all over my house, it felt like a step forward, a tangible and beautiful gift to myself. So, I was thankful to be brave about my writing. It was good for me.

But, this morning to write felt like a “measuring up/attention seeking activity”. I have noticed when I write this way, it’s insincere and nobody may ever know; but, it’s not the work of my heart and soul. We all do it, this attention seeking thing. It’s easy to get sucked into.

I almost gave up; but, then decided, “Hey it’s not really about being one of hundreds who are writing during http://write31days.com/ and having my entries pop up for my blogger companions to see…it’s about that conviction that writing is a God-planted thing, a “don’t want to give this up because it feels God-given good“. 

So, I open my devotional to Day Three and I find pencil notes from this date in 2013.

They resonate even more clearly, so I outline the words more clearly, more boldly.

“Cease striving, if it feels like struggle, it’s not for you to handle, it’s for God.”

So, I will continue the 31 Days of Writing: Looking for Good, for God...an exercise in striving less, being more still and letting God determine the eyes that find my words.

Day 4:  not sure…I’ll be waiting to see good, God-given good. Not sure if it will pop up on my linky thing. Still, I write.

Day 2: Good things : appointments and encounters

Children, Faith
just take a break

just take a break

This morning, this dog found its way to my front steps and once the door was opened, sashayed down the hallway, scampering with confidence, following me into my office. I sat down, going for the phone to call the number on her tag, looked up and she had plopped herself in a chair. She cocked her head to the side as if to say, “Hey, how’s it going, did you forget about our appointment?”

Actually, I did, I thought, but I’m glad you remembered. Crazy, I know but this dog demanded and I happily stopped my work for her “drop in” appointment.

The phone calls had been randomly unusual and difficult all day long. We, this dog and I, visited for awhile as I smiled about her ease in jumping into my chair for a visit. It made me smile that she seemed to know I needed her. It was good for me to be distracted, surprised, entertained. Her owner came eventually, chastised her and left.

I’m still secretly hoping she’ll sneak away again soon. In fact, I’ve decided I would rename her and call her Joy.  It was good to be interrupted by such simple joy.

This morning, I prayed for a day of productivity, of less distractibility, of less laziness and lack of motivation on my part. I just prayed that God would help me get deadlines met and asked for forgiveness that I seemed to have lost my focus. And I thanked God that he is patient with me as I continued with my self-condemnation tone of failing to finish my to-do list. 

Mid-morning, I was flustered because I had accomplished very little. So, okay, hurry up to make the noon meeting and then the plan would be “head down, get busy and work late, get that report done” …this was my goal.

2:00 p.m. I see a former employee’s car, a young mom I cared so much about.I throw my hand up as she pulls into the post office. She waves back. . I walked over and surprised her with my approach as she sat in her car. I smiled and she rolled down the window. I sensed that she wasn’t sure I would talk. It was a chance encounter. I wanted to reconnect. We laughed. We talked about our families, our recent loss and the growing up milestones of her sweet little girl and my almost adult son and adult daughter. She asked where my daughter teaches. When I answered her face lit up, as she exclaimed “She is teaching my nephew, everybody talks about how much she loves her students!” She continued, ” a lot of people are talking about what a good teacher she is, how she loves the students and they love her.” I smiled, my heart filled with mother love and said, “Well, one thing’s for sure, if she’s their teacher they are gonna get loved on!”

We talked a little more, laughed and cut up as we picked right back up on our stories of life. I remember how much I adored her laughter.

We exchange prayer requests and we smiled because we knew requests would be lifted up. I reached into the car and touched her arm and we talked some more about her family.

I started to walk away three or four times and we picked right back up in conversation, laughing about my latest expression of “blessed assurance!” in lieu of cuss words.

I needed to see her. She needed to see me, for her day had been full of frustration and she had escaped her home for a few minutes using the excuse of buying stamps.  It was good to see her. It was good for our souls to join in laughter.

Tomorrow is a new day and my report and to-do list await me. But, today God is good and his interruptions were exceptionally sweet. God had good for me today!

Unanswered prayer…I think not.

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Psalm 126:3

31days of looking for good

Uncategorized
Grey day good

Grey day good

So, my  very favorite Dr. Seuss book is My Many Colored Days…a book about emotions. Yes, I think about emotions, feelings, I notice expressions. I sometimes get stuck in the funk of sad stuff. I am embarking on a challenge that is something I keep coming back to, God is good and has good for us. I will blog for 31 days about this thing I can’t let go, this reassurance, this conviction. God is good.

Grey day, happy, sunny, yellow day, bright red, angry day… I’m gonna be looking for the good. It’s timely for me to look for good. It’s an intervention of sorts.

Goodness today: I woke well-rested and placed worries and anxieties aside because after pouring out my heart to a friend, I know she prayed. And then,I prayed and I slept and on my way to work recalled, my friend always calls just when I’m about to cave. She calls and she listens and says, “You don’t sound good.” I say, “I’m better now.”

God is good and has good for us.

Count on it.

Look for it.

Only good

Faith, Prayer, rest, Trust

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Oh, sovereign Lord we cling to your goodness at day’s end. You are the God who sees us and we will not be swayed to believe you are not good and that you have anything but good for us. We know that you hold the universe in your hands, our lives, our hearts in your grasp. We trust your immeasurable, all-sustaining love despite the visual onslaught to do otherwise. Because your love is so big, beautiful and unchanging we are clinging to your grace and your mercy,as we lean on your everlasting arms. We thank you for loving us when our hearts are hardened, discontent and doubtful. For, you Lord are patient, so patient.In the morning, we will thank you for yet another opportunity to walk more closely, more consistently in love…your love.

In Jesus name,

Amen