Citron Pines and Simple Sentences

Faith, grace, rest, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

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I’m dying to paint again; yearning to be effortless for a few hours.

To capture on canvas the color of the pines as the late day sunlight landed on limbs.

To somehow convey the joy of veering off my normal walk to be surprised by the happy color of citron splashed on a row of young pines.

To express the way my day turned for better because of this happenstance encounter of tree.

It was a beautiful sight.

To spread the old sheet over the dining room table,  fill the mason jars with water and line up the tubes of paint and brushes.

To have no preconceived ideas or projects, just to express.

That is all.

I’m prone to striving, to determined effort and attempts.

I write because I haven’t written.

I focus on approval of reader rather than simplicity of sentence.

I catch myself. I should probably trash it; but, I trod on adding to, saying more, thinking it may sound different or prettier, just a maze of overstated circling of whatever it is I meant to say.

See, I’m doing it again.

But, painting is different. I can cover a botched painting and stubbornly continue until what I get is what I know to be true.

The difference is the effort.

To be effortless is to be genuine.

Because effort is akin to striving, pushing, forcing, refining, fighting for a perceived perfect outcome.

Effort is not joy, not from the soul.

Effort is unrest. Unrest no one may ever see, ever take as less than good enough.

But, the heart of the writer, the painter, the poet, it knows.

So we try again, less effort this time.

And we are at peace because we know, our good never comes by force.

We are satisfied in splash of color or semblance of sentence.

Cease striving.

Know that He is God.

Psalm 46:10

 

 

 

 

 

Stumbling Into Morning

Children, courage, Faith, family, grace, rest, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, wonder

Yesterday, I drank from my son’s cup.  Paisley flowers, curlicues, creamy colored. A cup, bought by a still chubby, middle schooler on a church trip with his friends. He came home, announced, “Here, I got you something.”

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So, I drank my coffee, turned my back from the window, the morning so heavy with fog, no desire to gaze towards sunrise.

I read of a man in the Book of John, unable to move towards the water, to be healed.

Scripture defining him as “an invalid’.

Him and many others, others who’d decided to go down into the water, to believe they might see change; to be an invalid no more.

To be valid.

But, he couldn’t figure out how to move towards healing; he didn’t believe he could move what must have been just steps away.

He couldn’t step. He expected he’d fall, an invalid, after all.

 When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?”The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.

John 5: 5-9

I thought of all times I’m paralyzed, unable, unwilling to try,  until I stumble back towards the water.

 I thought of the invalid; vowing to never to use the description again, recognizing how low a feeling it is to doubt one’s validity. 

Walking outside with dogs as morning requires, I noticed in the lingering fog, the pear tree beginning to bloom.

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The blossoms barely there against the full of a bland sky, insignificant on this less than optimistic day.

This morning I’m drinking from a different cup. It’s lined in the color of bluebird. It’s a funky little cup, my daughter’s. A big, healthy hog etched in the center of its round edges.

My daughter loves pigs, goats, cats, dogs, cows, livestock, in general. Her bridal portrait on Sunday will have a backdrop of peach blossoms and trees spread so far and wide, for miles it seems.

This morning, I sat with her cup.

The sky spoke, saying…”You can’t imagine the day I have for you, Lisa!”

So, I moved towards our big backyard, looked up and knew it was true.

Not just today, but so many more to come.

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Stumbling, prancing, walking slowly or simply standing still in the early morning

If I could, I’d count these birds of this morning, their voices all a flutter.

I’d touch each blossom of the white flowers of pear tree and I’d know undoubtedly the significance, the validity of my every day.

I’d write on my heart, in my palm with a  sharpie or somehow remember more strongly…the beautiful mercy of believing and stumbling into morning to be healed.

 

Thin Layer Chocolate Sundays

courage, Faith, grace, praise, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder
a satisfied heart

a satisfied heart

If you went to my mama’s on Sunday, there was always cake.

There might be roast beef, butterbeans, corn and biscuits.

There would be mashed potatoes, thick and creamy, with a little place where the butter sat in a little hollowed out center.

Some gravy on top and sweet, glazy carrots, onions.

We’d eat together and we’d talk. Maybe walk to the pond or nap.

Waiting for time for a piece of cake.

Maybe caramel, coconut, pound or “thin layer” chocolate.

The one with the yellow softness of 16 or so tiny layers, thin and spongy.

Striated like zebra, chocolate, layer, chocolate, layer, chocolate….

The dark, dark sweet chocolate cooked stovetop and then poured on top of layer, one by one, smoothed with big, flat knife…slowly, gingerly.

Layers baked on the old black griddle and then eased onto a towel spread on kitchen counter.

Easy talk about life as I watched my mama bake, so lovingly and at peace.

She’d gently take the layers, one by one, placing carefully on a pretty cake plate as she added the rich, chocolate, shiny icing, still warm from the pot.

Chocolate icing so thick with sugar, melting like warm grains of sand on the tongue.

This past Sunday, we talked about the bread of life.

How we all try to fill ourselves up, seeking to be content.

Jobs, cars, clothes, burgers, fries, recognition, acclaim and appearance.

I thought this morning of the insatiable seeking for more, for better, for as good as him, as attractive as her.  Wondered if joy were measurable, if contentment could be calculated, would it even be a ripple in the sea of our heart’s deepest desires.

To never have cake again on Sunday at mama’s is just a tiny little longing.

My heart knows the scene, holds the image, keeps safe the memory. It’s just as sweet, sweeter maybe.

To never be famous, have my art only on the walls of friends and family is unimportant, really.

As long as my heart knows the abandonment of paint covered hands and the chance to step back to gaze for a long time at an image known by my soul alone.

To write on this little blog, almost 300 times now… yet, never place a book of my words in the hands of my children.

Is not so tragic as long as my words get to come together occasionally in a way that reflects my soul.

My heart…that’s contentment. 

Satisfaction, fully.

Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
 I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.  Psalm 63:5

 

Linking up to Tell His Story with Jennifer Dukes Lee

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Teapots, Dog Food and Blessings

Children, Faith, family, Motherhood, praise, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

It was almost dark; the dogs had no food.  I’ll just run in and out, I thought.

The express line was stalled, a mama had gone back to get something she’d forgotten, the teenage daughter, looking up from her phone told me I should try another lane.

So…I got in line behind a woman with much more than an express amount. I noticed though, her teapot, really pretty,  a creamy white, touch of copper on the handle. “That’s cute.” I said.

I heard what I thought was thank you; then realized she was talking to someone else, somewhere else, the person with whom her earphone microphone thingy was connected.  So, she continued her conversation, not knowing I really liked her teapot.

I wondered if she’d use it or  just set it out somewhere, pretty like my creamy white plates.

My white bowls stacked up together next to antique glass and hydrangea.

Pretty little simple things I love.

My turn now, the cashier glances past me towards the store entrance, mumbles “What are they doing out there?”

Looks back towards her co-worker, the one in stalled line, teenager still staring towards device,  and says something.  I have no idea whatsoever what!

I’m nonexistent, I think… my cart, my dog food. I’m an object in a line.

She complains, the dog food won’t scan, has to type it in. I pay, lift the heavy bag back into my cart and finally she looks at me to say  “Thank you, Miss.”

Now I pause and I’m all out of sorts as to why she called me “Miss”, this girl, her age something “teen”, I’m sure.

I just stood there thinking “Miss?”

Then, I sense her there. This petite little lady, her smile as big as I don’t know what.

She shuffled up beside me, paused with me, her hand touching my arm, patting lightly.

Patting my arm and smiling.

Smiling, continuously smiling.

The kind of smile that reminded of a see-saw on a sunny day, the weight and joy causing her face to tilt happily to one side and then back to other.

She must’ve been 80 or older, looked like she weighed not much more. Her feet a solid foundation in rubbery thick shoes as her little body buoyed along walking beside me.

All put together she was, stockings of thick cotton-colored white, a proper church going skirt, and a delicate golden-colored silk blouse under pearl button cardigan.

“You got you a dog?” She asked, looking into my cart.

I looked towards her wide smile and smiled back saying, “I have two, they’re really my children’s;  but, mine now I guess.”

“Tell me ’bout ’em”, she said, “they married?”  So, I told her about my daughter, a teacher, getting married in April. Her eyes lit up, “Ohhh, that’s sooo good!” she said.  She leaned towards me, listening for more, so I added,  “My son’s 18 and in his first year of college.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful!” she exclaimed, animated and sincere.

“That is just so wonderful, so good…that’s a blessing.”

“It is.” I smiled and said.

We stood together a minute more, then walking away with her little shuffling skipping step, she smiled again, looking back, neither of us could remember where we parked.

“Me either”, I said “happens all the time” and again she smiled as she turned, both of us remembering where we came from.

And driving home I wished I’d hugged her, wished I’d asked if she had a dog.

Still wishing now.

Blessings!

Messy, Pretty, Good

courage, Faith, grace, rest, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

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There’s paint spattered on the wall, a greenish blue ocean color.

A canvas a while ago, I was intent on the texture of sky and sea,  large brush strokes, attacking white canvas…until I got it right.  Kept at it until satisfied.

Until I could step back, look towards color and be content with what I’d made.

If it’s good, there’s peace and rest.  Not good,  its surface gets painted over, propped up to dry and I’m torn between trying again or letting it be.

I’m always certain of plans for a painting, intent and abandoned in the process.

I’m hard on myself, denying I’m meant to create. What is talent, who decides?photo 1-5_kindlephoto-739988

Just like that, I leave it for a time…let it go.

Then, an afternoon frees itself and I’m covering the table in sheets, laying out paint, filling mason jars with water and bringing out the piece I gave up on, maybe a  blank  canvas too.

And I paint.  I change black to blue, textured with thick layers like silk, reds, bright and full.

Poppy-like blooms, strong and long green stems barely able to support the fullness of blooms.

Later, it’s dry and I can hardly stop myself from staring. I turn it to its back and sign, “LT…Quiet Confidence…Isaiah 30:15”.

Called it “Joy”.

Joy

Joy

Yesterday. I woke with recall of the sweetest and smallest of unexpected good. Today, as well.

I looked over towards pine tree tops and saw sunlight peeking through.

I sat there, with that sweetness…yesterday and today.

Remembering how I’d pushed for perfect.

How I’d given up, defeated and despondent until like a child pitchin’ a fit, I’ve done all I can do and I traipse away to my corner to accept life as it has been given, my perceived pitifully unfair lot in life.

Until, like a sullen and sulking child, I begin to let go and let it be.

And God, like a parent who saw that special thing hoped for; but, held back knowingly, softly walks back in and says. “Here, child. This is what I had for you. It’s better than what you wanted.”

It’s the unexpected and gloriously beautiful, like rich red and peaceful  blue paint on a discarded old piece of wood.

Merciful grace to those tripped up by hastened and erratic desire.

Messy made pretty, made good.

Return to rest, my soul. The Lord has been good to you.

Psalm 116:7

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee, Tell His Story

 

Grace in the Silence of Morning

courage, Faith, family, grace, praise, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

I heard it most clearly

As the rain fell steady and fluid.IMG_1336_kindlephoto-378734

It continued through the night.

I’d wake and hear it’s shrill and consistent cry.

Then, drifting back as opportunity allowed, only to be roused again.

A solitary bird, must be a baby I decided…somehow stranded, lost, seeking to be found.

So, morning comes and the dogs must have heard it too.

So anxious to be let out

Rushing through the door, bolting towards back yard, barking frantically at the sky, full retrieval mode.

Barking and circling the yard, looking up from rain-soaked  trunks, tracking the cry of a solitary bird.

Where are you?

What do you need?

Their barks, a seeking and determined banter.

And I followed behind, just as intent, looking up towards skinny and broken pine limbs way up high.

Looking to find the place of this needy, deliberate, and insisting cry.

Others joined,  a variety of bird, more melodic as daylight pushed its way through drizzled gray.

The lone bird’s cry paused, finally.

Had been responded to, so grew softer then, more expectant.

Not so shrill, not so impatiently anxious.

The morning then, a harmonious repose.

So. as the morning goes, I  find myself in my familiar place.

Jotting, reading, praying, sipping coffee and finding words.

Opening my heart, it’s an effortless sort of graceful gift.

God hears my silent and seeking cry again.

As my thoughts become settled and silent.

God’s words making sense every morning.

Easy in the silence.

The Lord will fight for you, and you only have to be silent.  

Exodus  14:14

 

Faithful as the Day, our God

Children, Faith, family, praise, rest, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

The day began with cold rain.

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Nice to hear, fitting in a way.  I woke thinking of challenges, questions, contemplations over what the day might bring.

Might not.

I stepped outside, unconcerned with the cold and wet, then turned back towards inside to prepare for the day, the Sunday.

To not be bothered by cold, wet rain speaks volumes in terms of mood, of place in life.

Accepting the day.

Accepting the season.

My spirit, reluctant.

Meal started, dogs settled, lesson studied, dressed for Sunday.

And the sky changed to brilliant blue.

So, we drove; casual talk and heavy, pretty country road, trees clinging to sunlight.

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Faith, fear, hopes, goals, concerns and the such.

Almost cliche’, our rambling of topics has become.

Words befitting of our age and place in life, in relationship.

Sunday School lesson taught,  choir song sung ….

“Sweet, sweet spirit in this place…surely the presence of the Lord is in this place.”

I join him then.  Just us, no children on our pew anymore.

“I could hear your voice, it was good.” He says and holds my hand as we are reminded how to worship.

A sermon on commitment, being committed to your worship.

Being in the moments God brings, noticing He’s there always.

He is faithful.

The day, cold still and darkly stormy again as we drove back home.

Changing three times already, one day, three colors of sky.

House warmed by fire, meal finished up.

We sit together, just the two, with good food.

He offers up prayer that God keep us in His will.

Then football for him, painting for me.

A sweet, sweet spirit in this place, this season.

God will make this happen. For He who calls you is faithful.

 I Thessalonians 5:24

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Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee, Telling His Story

Morning, a lingering

Faith, grace, praise, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

 

If morning were all day and filtered into evening

I may be a little different.

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Morning still

My maybe might be sure.

My perhaps would be probably.

I’d be more apt to linger, content in unfolding of day.

My  “No’s”  might be  more steady.

My “Yes’s” more enthused.

My failures  be more misunderstandings than mistakes.

If morning lingered longer

I’d wear the color of patience on my smile.

Subtle, pretty and just a hint of shine like a peachy lip

My pauses be more often, intentional in exchange

My words more heart than  hurry.

Mornings like today, moved more slowly towards task and rested in time for contemplation.

The sky was more dusk than dawn.

Rain coming, not here yet.

Questioning the time of day…is it earlier than I thought?

Could I have a little more early morn?

Oh, good! Thank you Lord, for mornings lasting longer.

The sky reflective of rest, not at all impatient to commence.

Patient,  satisfied and content for whatever may be.

Oh, to the linger a little longer in the mindfulness of morning time.

Thus, prepared for the unfolding of day.

 

“Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on him who has all things safely in his hands.”  Elisabeth Elliot

 

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Just Stay Near

courage, Faith, grace, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

A toddler’s hand, small and supple in the hand of a father

A frail and spotted one held firmly but tenderly as feet move intentional, yet uncertain towards someplace.

Quiet Confidence...Abiding.

Quiet Confidence…Abiding.

The one leading speaking softly, with intention

Stay with me, just hold my hand.

Don’t let go.

Because maybe abiding is not so much perfection or unwavering trust.

Maybe abiding in Christ is just staying near, remembering what happens when hearts and feet wander.

Maybe steadfast trust doesn’t look all bright, shiny and triumphant.

Ironically, more of a resemblance to resignation.

Because surrender is not always defeat.

It’s acceptance with full hearts, hands, feet and mind at rest.

It’s moving forward with deliberate and thoughtful feet, despite the cold, hard questioning days.

Determined, not despondent.

Just staying near. Staying is sufficient.

Sufficient,  like grace.

Feet may falter, hearts may fumble.

Frailty might give way to fear.

Just stay near.

I think of how much you have helped me;

I sing for joy in the shadow of your protecting wings.

follow close behind You;  

Your strong right hand holds me securely.

Psalm 63:7-8

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee, telling His story.

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Understanding Skies

courage, Faith, grace, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder
clarity

clarity

I’m not one to toss and turn. If I’m troubled, I go to bed.

Say to myself, tomorrow will be another day.

Then, place one hand on my chest and pray.

Silently,  easy like water traveling a slow path to a broad river.

With morning and time come newness.

The sky was a wide expanse of cold, pale lavender today.

Its width cloudless and open. Enough open space to learn.

An expansive sky, with just a faint glimmer of sunlight in tall tree.

epiphany

epiphany

My eyes rested there and remembered my earlier revelation.

I hurt someone’s feelings trying to be right. Looking for answers to a question already known with certainty. I have a few sayings.

One of them is never ask a question you know the answer to.

Asking for trouble. Not answers. Asking to be right when being right makes no difference in the hurt, adds harm to hurt.

I was self-righteous.  Smug, hot-headed and determined to point of the wrong in another causing hurt that was never intended.

I begged God to fix my mistake. Not the answer you need,  said God.

The answer is seeing, truly seeing.

Epiphany, in an insightfully clear sky.

The manifestation of Christ in me, with me despite errant will.

Looking down, it’s still there. I thought of adding to my collection earlier, decided to let it rest instead.

A petite pine cone, stiff with the cold and shining silver in brown straw.

And I smiled, remembering gifts of baby pine cones she brought.

boots and pinecones

boots and pinecones

 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.

Psalm 139: 1-8