Grace and Open Space

Children, Faith, family, Motherhood, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

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We turned the sharp turn towards the little house.

Dinner with the newlyweds, the planned welcome home.

I can see the roof from a distance on the long, main road.

Looking towards the right, in the distance past the wide field.

Yellow house under blue sky embraced all around by border of green.

I turned towards peach fields, all leaves now, blooms becoming soft, pretty fruit.

Wide open fields lined with trees for miles.

This is the place God graced them.

I look again, again, again.

Same place.

Same grace, still I look again and linger.

We eat together surrounded by ribbons, paper, china…talking, laughing, remembering bliss of the day they wed.

I  look towards window,  I can’t resist.

Almost night now, the trees lit low.

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My daughter is a wife.

I’m a surreal kind of floating happy, like not believing I was chosen to be an observer of her joy.

It’s a new happy, a graciously quiet content.

We say goodbyes to newly husband and wife.

And turn towards the sharp curve home in the road.

Almost cobalt dusky blue sky love, grace, and God.

I’m captivated, yet again

By the grace of their open space.

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Nuptials and Prayers for Happy

Children, family, praise, Prayer, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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I’d chronicle the wedding from rehearsal to sparkly exit if I could.

Still, I’d miss special details, deficient in my description.

If I could, I’d have thought to sit and record its sequence.

The room where we dressed together, laughed together, cried, smiled and circled together in prayer.

A ceremony with sunlit windows, guitar strumming, low voices.

Softly falling,  sharp sounds of her heels touching the polished floor as she walked towards her love.

And he, jaw clinched, eyes shut spontaneously as if to look,

Then look again.

She joined him there.IMG_1823_kindlephoto-180313

The words to their song subtle buffered softly…

“Sweet love of mine, I have surrendered to your design.”

And his eyes never left hers.

Nor hers, his.

He spoke softly, assuredly to her only as the preacher paused and we all said as he suggested,  “love”.

Then, they smiled.

They kissed twice…then once more, her idea.

And we all danced in the pretty lights, delicate white flowers, layers of lush green filled the room.

We were silly, were happy. I danced without knowing the dances, holding hands with the bridesmaids.

And danced the last song of the night,  for a minute or two  with my daughter, Heather Analise, to “You are my Sunshine”, our song.

My sunshine and I.

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Until I paused, noticed him close by, her husband and I placed her hand in his to finish our dance.

I’d love to say more; but,  words are not sufficient.

I prayed for light hearts and memorable moments.

And happy, I prayed for happy.

Prayers were answered and God was there…as always in the details.

 

Citron Pines and Simple Sentences

Faith, grace, rest, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

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I’m dying to paint again; yearning to be effortless for a few hours.

To capture on canvas the color of the pines as the late day sunlight landed on limbs.

To somehow convey the joy of veering off my normal walk to be surprised by the happy color of citron splashed on a row of young pines.

To express the way my day turned for better because of this happenstance encounter of tree.

It was a beautiful sight.

To spread the old sheet over the dining room table,  fill the mason jars with water and line up the tubes of paint and brushes.

To have no preconceived ideas or projects, just to express.

That is all.

I’m prone to striving, to determined effort and attempts.

I write because I haven’t written.

I focus on approval of reader rather than simplicity of sentence.

I catch myself. I should probably trash it; but, I trod on adding to, saying more, thinking it may sound different or prettier, just a maze of overstated circling of whatever it is I meant to say.

See, I’m doing it again.

But, painting is different. I can cover a botched painting and stubbornly continue until what I get is what I know to be true.

The difference is the effort.

To be effortless is to be genuine.

Because effort is akin to striving, pushing, forcing, refining, fighting for a perceived perfect outcome.

Effort is not joy, not from the soul.

Effort is unrest. Unrest no one may ever see, ever take as less than good enough.

But, the heart of the writer, the painter, the poet, it knows.

So we try again, less effort this time.

And we are at peace because we know, our good never comes by force.

We are satisfied in splash of color or semblance of sentence.

Cease striving.

Know that He is God.

Psalm 46:10

 

 

 

 

 

Count on it

courage, Faith, family, grace, Motherhood, praise, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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If I get a little sense of ugliness

Of resentment, longing for different, for better…

Mad about why them, not me.

You can be sure, I’ll be faced with opportunity to redeem

All the ugly.

Run into someone, somehow acquainted with my ugly.

You can be sure of it.

I’ll be humbled and graciously welcome their joy in us crossing paths.

Because, I’ll see the lesson.

I’ll notice the providence.

And to be sure, just as sure, I’ll walk at day’s end with extra time thanks to Spring.

Frustrated over buffered songs sought to comfort

I’ll round the corner.

Climb the hill.

Song begins;  continues, meets every longing.

Speaks what I long to hear.

To tell another.

I can count

on it…walking at day’s end and being reminded of grace.

Listening to Third Day…”When the Rain Comes” and wondering if it’s too much like a love song.

To send to someone having a hard day.

Sending anyway, saying you can count on me.

 

 

Thin Layer Chocolate Sundays

courage, Faith, grace, praise, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder
a satisfied heart

a satisfied heart

If you went to my mama’s on Sunday, there was always cake.

There might be roast beef, butterbeans, corn and biscuits.

There would be mashed potatoes, thick and creamy, with a little place where the butter sat in a little hollowed out center.

Some gravy on top and sweet, glazy carrots, onions.

We’d eat together and we’d talk. Maybe walk to the pond or nap.

Waiting for time for a piece of cake.

Maybe caramel, coconut, pound or “thin layer” chocolate.

The one with the yellow softness of 16 or so tiny layers, thin and spongy.

Striated like zebra, chocolate, layer, chocolate, layer, chocolate….

The dark, dark sweet chocolate cooked stovetop and then poured on top of layer, one by one, smoothed with big, flat knife…slowly, gingerly.

Layers baked on the old black griddle and then eased onto a towel spread on kitchen counter.

Easy talk about life as I watched my mama bake, so lovingly and at peace.

She’d gently take the layers, one by one, placing carefully on a pretty cake plate as she added the rich, chocolate, shiny icing, still warm from the pot.

Chocolate icing so thick with sugar, melting like warm grains of sand on the tongue.

This past Sunday, we talked about the bread of life.

How we all try to fill ourselves up, seeking to be content.

Jobs, cars, clothes, burgers, fries, recognition, acclaim and appearance.

I thought this morning of the insatiable seeking for more, for better, for as good as him, as attractive as her.  Wondered if joy were measurable, if contentment could be calculated, would it even be a ripple in the sea of our heart’s deepest desires.

To never have cake again on Sunday at mama’s is just a tiny little longing.

My heart knows the scene, holds the image, keeps safe the memory. It’s just as sweet, sweeter maybe.

To never be famous, have my art only on the walls of friends and family is unimportant, really.

As long as my heart knows the abandonment of paint covered hands and the chance to step back to gaze for a long time at an image known by my soul alone.

To write on this little blog, almost 300 times now… yet, never place a book of my words in the hands of my children.

Is not so tragic as long as my words get to come together occasionally in a way that reflects my soul.

My heart…that’s contentment. 

Satisfaction, fully.

Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
 I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.  Psalm 63:5

 

Linking up to Tell His Story with Jennifer Dukes Lee

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Teapots, Dog Food and Blessings

Children, Faith, family, Motherhood, praise, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

It was almost dark; the dogs had no food.  I’ll just run in and out, I thought.

The express line was stalled, a mama had gone back to get something she’d forgotten, the teenage daughter, looking up from her phone told me I should try another lane.

So…I got in line behind a woman with much more than an express amount. I noticed though, her teapot, really pretty,  a creamy white, touch of copper on the handle. “That’s cute.” I said.

I heard what I thought was thank you; then realized she was talking to someone else, somewhere else, the person with whom her earphone microphone thingy was connected.  So, she continued her conversation, not knowing I really liked her teapot.

I wondered if she’d use it or  just set it out somewhere, pretty like my creamy white plates.

My white bowls stacked up together next to antique glass and hydrangea.

Pretty little simple things I love.

My turn now, the cashier glances past me towards the store entrance, mumbles “What are they doing out there?”

Looks back towards her co-worker, the one in stalled line, teenager still staring towards device,  and says something.  I have no idea whatsoever what!

I’m nonexistent, I think… my cart, my dog food. I’m an object in a line.

She complains, the dog food won’t scan, has to type it in. I pay, lift the heavy bag back into my cart and finally she looks at me to say  “Thank you, Miss.”

Now I pause and I’m all out of sorts as to why she called me “Miss”, this girl, her age something “teen”, I’m sure.

I just stood there thinking “Miss?”

Then, I sense her there. This petite little lady, her smile as big as I don’t know what.

She shuffled up beside me, paused with me, her hand touching my arm, patting lightly.

Patting my arm and smiling.

Smiling, continuously smiling.

The kind of smile that reminded of a see-saw on a sunny day, the weight and joy causing her face to tilt happily to one side and then back to other.

She must’ve been 80 or older, looked like she weighed not much more. Her feet a solid foundation in rubbery thick shoes as her little body buoyed along walking beside me.

All put together she was, stockings of thick cotton-colored white, a proper church going skirt, and a delicate golden-colored silk blouse under pearl button cardigan.

“You got you a dog?” She asked, looking into my cart.

I looked towards her wide smile and smiled back saying, “I have two, they’re really my children’s;  but, mine now I guess.”

“Tell me ’bout ’em”, she said, “they married?”  So, I told her about my daughter, a teacher, getting married in April. Her eyes lit up, “Ohhh, that’s sooo good!” she said.  She leaned towards me, listening for more, so I added,  “My son’s 18 and in his first year of college.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful!” she exclaimed, animated and sincere.

“That is just so wonderful, so good…that’s a blessing.”

“It is.” I smiled and said.

We stood together a minute more, then walking away with her little shuffling skipping step, she smiled again, looking back, neither of us could remember where we parked.

“Me either”, I said “happens all the time” and again she smiled as she turned, both of us remembering where we came from.

And driving home I wished I’d hugged her, wished I’d asked if she had a dog.

Still wishing now.

Blessings!

Peace.

Faith, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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One of those mornings, waking up early for no reason to a totally quiet house.

Read Psalms and Proverbs, day 16, before sleep.  Needing to flush out the negative of social media overload.

The gluttony of politics making me nauseous. So, purposefully, I read from Psalms, from Proverbs.

Rest was good, full and sufficient.

Led me to wake without alarm,  to greet the day before dawn.

Jesus Calling today, a reminder to shut out the craziness, distractions, disorder and get back to Jesus…back to peace.

So, I hold my Bible before opening.

Turn to guide, little check marks for my reading through this year.

Genesis and Exodus almost done, a quarter way through the Psalms and made it to the heart of Luke,

Oh,  the beautiful words of Jesus here!

Today, I turned back, though before picking up at place from day before.

Wanted to reread a special passage.

The place in Exodus where I discovered my daddy’s name, Ruel.

A man who welcomed Moses in, fed him, blessed him and gave his blessing.

I wondered if he was quiet and handsome like daddy or if my grandmother, Cynthia, who I never had chance to know, chose this name on a morning years and years ago as she sat in the quiet with her Bible.

I believe she did, believe she chose my daddy’s name this way.

I can’t explain the joy of this, finding my daddy’s name there in the Book of Exodus.

Turning to Psalm 44, I read of people seeking God in time of unrest, crying out to Him.

Comforted by people who committed to “not turn back, not departed from God’s way”  verse 18.

Finally read from Luke 7, Jesus’ loving response to a woman, her tears, falling from her face to wash His feet.

His words in response…
“Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

Peace.

Winter now, Spring soon…work, life, faith…

Children, courage, Faith, family, Prayer, Teaching, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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The breeze moved crisply this morning.

Damp feeling from the night before.

A hard rain giving

Gentle, wispy newness, stirring taller trees in a sway-like dance.

The sky was divided.

Grey thickness separated by an underlay of clear white.

Then, gradual interspersing of illumined white, clear and soft.

Intersecting, blending…a collaborative, much like my work, home, faith, prayer and passion.

I’ve heard stories this week and last of children, teens, young adults who are struggling.

Of parents blindsided by words, thoughts, and acts.

Frightening, shocking and saddening.  The parents, lost for words and for solutions.

One shared their plans for a conversation.

Told me they’d say with bold and outspoken love, “I would be the saddest person on the planet if you killed yourself…would you do that to me?”

I waited, feeling the courage, the truth, the authority behind their words.

Then said… “Your sadness is not on their mind.”

Paused, allowing my words to settle, adding

“If someone is depressed, is so far down in sadness of their own, the only thing they can think of is how to get out of the deep, deep hole that has encompassed them, the dirt of their pain or circumstances surrounding them like a wall caving in.”

“Oh.” they said, eyes dropping down, their understanding palpable.

Work intersects life sometimes for me. Approached in church by a concerned parent I tell them I’ll pray; then I tell them what I’ve learned through stories of survivors of suicide loss. I share with conviction and with intention what I know of depression, what I’ve become passionate in conveying to others, my efforts all based on hearing at least one less story of suicide.

Depression is medical. Depression is not a lapse in or deficiency of faith or belief.

Depression requires a brave and attentive response.

A readiness to hear what you are afraid may be spoken.

Sticking around to listen and then staying close in readiness to hear even more.

Praying too; prayer like David’s, a cry of desperate search for relief from turmoil.

A brokenhearted petition seeking relief, restoration, longing to have reason again to praise when none can be found.  Yes, pray. Pray without boundaries while you seek help and stay close.

Acknowledge the mind as a physical part of the body. Sore throat? There’s a test for strep. Growing pains or something more? There are tests for that.

Bad mood, puberty, peer issues, teenage angst or depression,  there’s a test for that.

The soul thirsts for God; but, is after all encapsulated vulnerably and imperfectly in physical body.

Why are you cast down, O’ my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:5

Be brave. Be attentive.

Be informed.

Respond while you pray.  Winter is hard; but there’s Spring again, soon.

Here’s a valuable resource God blessed me to be a part of forming. 

Visit this page and learn the signs of depression, of suicide.

And another resource designed just now, a new resource of MHA Aiken County as I prepare to speak to teens tomorrow.  Work, life, faith, prevention.

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1 in 10 Teens will Experience Depression.  It is more than sadness.

 

 

 

Earth and Heaven – Dirty Feet and Peace

courage, Faith, grace, praise, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

I wondered about the soles of my feet yesterday.

Bare feet, pointed towards my friend, a yoga instructor, I remembered the callouses from my days of fancy shoes and I thought of the hardness of my heels. Hesitated there only a second, purposeful in my breathing, the intent of this new thing for me, a practice in resting my mind.

Earlier, my pastor mentioned dirty feet in his sermon.

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He glanced my way when he spoke of the method of travel in those days.  He spoke of Jesus washing feet. Feet on the ground. The earth uncushioned, the dryness of soil showing no mercy;  yet, feet followed closely in their seeking of Jesus, of heaven.

For just a few seconds, I was there. I was one of those women, my dress touching the earth, like a curtain, full and billowing on a dining room floor.  My feet, dusty and tired.  The soles and heels hardened by my journey; but, not yet weary in my  pursuit of peaceful destination.

Others there, dusty brownish gray hard feet, all of us witness to His cleansing.

Seeing the blind see.

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The lame walk.

Walking with Jesus, pausing because a desperate father has brought a child to be healed or to be with a sister waiting for Jesus, almost hopeless for a brother to live.

My thoughts were there; my dirty, earthen feet longing for Jesus.

To be one of the throng of followers, surely weary from watching.

Circled round the cross in mournful lament,

Our dirty feet holding up our weary hearts.

Hearing Jesus say, “It is finished.” John 19:30

Maybe falling to filthy, tormented ground to join in bellowing grief.

And later, to be standing with Mary, to have seen the scars and believed in His promise…the way of peace.

“Peace be with you.”  John 20:26

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I sat with hands folded towards my heart yesterday. This new thing I’m doing, not faith-based necessarily but, beautiful in the mingling of my faith.

Bare feet, yoga pants not quite covering waist of panties and uncertain of the meaning of  “Namaste”, I prayed in warrior pose and I prayed in victor’s breath; practiced what’s called soul breathing, eyes closed and heart towards heaven.

Dirty feet and cleansed soul.

Earth and Heaven

Joined together in bare feet.  

I’m linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee and am treasuring the truth

of her words today, “your critics don’t own you.” 

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/what-we-all-need-to-know-about-our-critics-tellhisstory/

Messy, Pretty, Good

courage, Faith, grace, rest, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

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There’s paint spattered on the wall, a greenish blue ocean color.

A canvas a while ago, I was intent on the texture of sky and sea,  large brush strokes, attacking white canvas…until I got it right.  Kept at it until satisfied.

Until I could step back, look towards color and be content with what I’d made.

If it’s good, there’s peace and rest.  Not good,  its surface gets painted over, propped up to dry and I’m torn between trying again or letting it be.

I’m always certain of plans for a painting, intent and abandoned in the process.

I’m hard on myself, denying I’m meant to create. What is talent, who decides?photo 1-5_kindlephoto-739988

Just like that, I leave it for a time…let it go.

Then, an afternoon frees itself and I’m covering the table in sheets, laying out paint, filling mason jars with water and bringing out the piece I gave up on, maybe a  blank  canvas too.

And I paint.  I change black to blue, textured with thick layers like silk, reds, bright and full.

Poppy-like blooms, strong and long green stems barely able to support the fullness of blooms.

Later, it’s dry and I can hardly stop myself from staring. I turn it to its back and sign, “LT…Quiet Confidence…Isaiah 30:15”.

Called it “Joy”.

Joy

Joy

Yesterday. I woke with recall of the sweetest and smallest of unexpected good. Today, as well.

I looked over towards pine tree tops and saw sunlight peeking through.

I sat there, with that sweetness…yesterday and today.

Remembering how I’d pushed for perfect.

How I’d given up, defeated and despondent until like a child pitchin’ a fit, I’ve done all I can do and I traipse away to my corner to accept life as it has been given, my perceived pitifully unfair lot in life.

Until, like a sullen and sulking child, I begin to let go and let it be.

And God, like a parent who saw that special thing hoped for; but, held back knowingly, softly walks back in and says. “Here, child. This is what I had for you. It’s better than what you wanted.”

It’s the unexpected and gloriously beautiful, like rich red and peaceful  blue paint on a discarded old piece of wood.

Merciful grace to those tripped up by hastened and erratic desire.

Messy made pretty, made good.

Return to rest, my soul. The Lord has been good to you.

Psalm 116:7

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee, Tell His Story