Vulnerability

Day 22: looking for good – straining too hard to see

Children, courage, Faith, Motherhood, Prayer, rest, Trust, Vulnerability
Finding God

Finding God

Yesterday was a long day.

Still recovering from infection

Employees out

Deadlines and difficulties

Late meeting

These were the tangible.  Things I could resolve or at least improve by doing something.

The intangibles, though we’re swirling around my thoughts all day, one interrupting the other, colliding with tangible.

The thoughts, the questions, the lingering pending situations kept coming back around all day long. Intangibles are persistent interruptions.

What will the Dr.say tomorrow?

What if my employee is lying?

Will my children’s futures hold what they’ve worked for?

Hoped for…dreamed of?

Will they be healthy and free of emotional hardship? What if Ebola…?

Why do I feel my prayers aren’t heard?

Should I really believe that God has equipped me to write…to share my story for good?

And on and on until days end, driving to the evening meeting, an obligation for image sake.

Sometimes I sing my prayers. It’s a pretty amazing thing when it happens because it’s essentially a flow of thoughts, words. Like coming up with lyrics to a song…the words just come.

Not yesterday though…I started off,  “Dear Lord, I’m thankful. I am grateful and….” then, nothing.

So, desperate words, spoken softly as I drove came easy.  “Dear Lord,  I just need to hear from you, to have a glimpse of good.”

Home an hour or so later, a usually tension filled meeting adjourned quickly.  My son is happy and home. My daughter announces her school’s major accomplishment received today, exactly a year since her 1st day teaching there. My son tweets Matthew 6:34. My daughter enjoys my cooking, saying “that’s some pretty good Quiche there, Lisa.”  I go to bed without a headache for first time in days. To be sure, I was thinking of my honest request, my prayer.

This morning, my Jesus Calling devotion started with finding Joy in my presence. A few lines later,

Recall that I am present with you whether you sense my Presence or not.  Then, start talking with me about whatever is on your mind. JESUS CALLING, Enjoying Peace in His Presence

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord.  I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.  Micah 7:7

Day 20: looking for good – enlightenment

courage, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability
Admitting to vulnerability

Admitting to vulnerability

This morning I learned something new, a different perspective.  I was enlightened by the wisdom of a young lady. A college student, brilliant and beautiful, Marissa.

I remember first meeting her. She was a middle school student, very tall, very thin and we met at our little country church, far from her home. She was beginning her journey in a blended family.

She had been displaced yet made the best of it. Resilient and intelligent, she succeeded at a country high school where Future Farmers of America was the club of choice. She graduated with honors and now attends one of the best Universities in our State.

Scrolling through Facebook this morning,  I see she has shared a TED talk. I typically continue scrolling. Something about her sharing though made it feel significant.

Intrigued, I watched and was enlightened in a perfectly appropriate way for me for this time. For my struggle of late.

I love when God does this!

My enlightenment? The more vulnerable I am, the stronger I am. Vulnerable people are courageous. 

Courageous about being imperfect, about being compassionate without reciprocation, about believing I am worthy of love.

Vulnerability is about connections that aren’t tainted by shame and fear.

Shame and fear perpetuate unworthy.

Thank you, M for being boldly vulnerable!

Thank you, Brene’ Brown! Your wisdom, timely.