So today I saw a red bird and thought of my grandma. They’re everywhere now; on the fence as I park my car at work or greeting me as I walk to my car at the end of the day, just sort of showing up, lingering for a second, then as if given a little “boost” flying high and away. As if to just take me to a sweet place of memories.

But today, this bird, more of a burgundy hue, bravely darted just in front of my car and then flew sideways for just a second before disappearing into the trees. I always think seeing a red bird has meaning, a message.  I have not read any “wives tales”, folklore or the Farmer’s Almanac to know this, I just know that anytime I see a red bird, I stop and think of my grandma. She collected red birds.

Today, because of the fierce intent of this bird to catch my eye as I hurried about my day; I made a mental note, “You need to slow down, Lisa. You’re hurried and you’re running like crazy, you’re about to crash.”

What gets your attention? What little sweet  do you notice? What crosses your path that for whatever reason lingers as something more than happenstance?

God is in the details. Don’t forget to notice.

 

“You can be miserable or motivated…pitiful or powerful.”  me

 

Can heaven be as simple as a star-filled sky on a black expanse of night?  I wonder when I find myself glancing upward then quickly away. I hesitate to gaze, face tilted towards the sharply pointed specks of light,  for I could stay there for hours looking for heaven.

But, I turn and stare into darkness with questions unanswered. Does mama know I’m looking for her amongst the stars?

There are inquiries left hanging. Horrible, unexplainable losses that make no sense…yet we look towards heaven, we ask and wait. We trust,believe and we embrace. We are  confounded by unknowns, yet lost without our Lord, our solace. We rest in his sovereign embrace. We are comforted in the acceptance of the “not knowing” and we are confident in the assurance of heaven…even when we can’t find it hidden amongst the stars.We are waiting expectantly to see the “secret things”…the secrets in the stars.

The secret things belong to the Lord, our God.  Deuteronomy 29:29

Would you say if someone tells you that you are courageous, you would feel complimented?  If someone admired your transparency, would you say “Thank you” and smile inside?

Or would you wonder, “Oh, no what have done? ” surprisingly, not me, not this time!  I have poured my heart into text and it is freeing and it is my purpose! I have begun the thing I thought I could not do.  

I find myself wanting to tell more, to keep the flow flowing. There are so many stories to my story of a life pulled increasingly closer to God…a God who never gave up on me.

What good will come of this blog, I have no idea or expectation. I just know that there are stories of my God’s saving grace and mercy unending that I am ready to tell.  There are stories of grace that I feel brave enough to share because I trust God will select the listener and for this reason, there is purpose in my pain…there is certainly a reason I was never abandoned.

NOT Sharing is not an option.  Scary? Not so much…Vulnerable? Always, but aren’t we all?

If you grew up worried, afraid, or insecure about life, even for brief moments; you are a tentative adult at times. You look back and remember times of vulnerability. If you’re like me, you found your bearings and even grew into a balanced human being whose memories are just a way to thank God for his grace and mercy.  Your “go to” perspective giver is ” But for the grace of God…there go I.” Only occasionally do you return to the chubby shy little girl hiding behind your grandma. When you do go back to that little girl afraid of being seen, it paralyzes you for a bit as you recognize all too clearly that feeling of insignificance and unpredictable fear.

When something or someone causes this emotional regression, I am quick to identify it or them as an “insecurity button”.  Here are a few of mine:

people who look at my shoes rather than my eyes

people who stand with their hands firmly by their sides when I initiate a hug

either of my children being looked over for something they deserve because this means I have not done all I can

people who enjoy my company one on one but ignore me in a group

people who tell me they will do something and then avoid me

people who are unable to listen if I open my heart because they have to “top” whatever I am sharing

people who lie so easily and so convincingly deny their dishonesty that I begin to doubt myself

I am vulnerable, but not defeated. I am quiet, but not intimidated. I sometimes feel unworthy, but know I’m treasured. I am a fat little girl in a woman’s body; but, my value is not based on that echo of my past. I am beautiful and worthy and most importantly I know my triggers back to the child afraid to be seen.  I am a child of God and his love for me has surrounded me all my life …He has been with me all the while and I will forever praise him for seeing me through!

O Lord, You alone are my hope. I’ve trusted You alone from childhood. 

My life is an example to many, because You have been my strength and protection. Psalm 71:5-7

Yesterday, I spoke to a group of philanthropic ladies, an opportunity to engage their support in our work for homeless moms.  Five minutes before taking the podium, an acquaintance greeted me, both of us surprised to see the other. I smiled and greeted her, my body leaning forward arms reaching out to embrace. She glared, smiled tentatively and stood as still as a pillar. Awkwardly, I smiled and said ” Good to see you.” The insecurity button pushed I almost panicked, but then told myself…”there are women here who are open to your sharing…speak to them,  embrace them!” I did just that and got a wink and “great job” as I returned to my seat.

Know your insecurities and your triggers for feeling “less than” but never let them stop you!

Know that God is with you and has brought you through whatever fears your story is made of.