Uncategorized

need to know

Faith, Uncategorized

Waiting for good

I can find my way through the house in the dark and recognize a coming home car sound as it pulls in the driveway. I am pretty good at being so eerily quiet that no one wakes up as I listen to their sleeping. I was a little girl who was skilled in planning for good, bad, violent,scary. I am still uneasy with the uncertainties of people because I need to plan for being safely hidden. Trivial things that I don’t know the outcome or what will be said or done sort of freak me out. This is the burden of a childhood of needing to know what would happen when daddy got home.

When I was a little girl, my daddy backed his car into the spot between two trees covered in purple wisteria. Sometimes he came inside and we had supper. Other times I waited for the sound of the creaky car door shutting and then I’d still myself for voices, questions, shouting, sometimes loud sounds of hands hitting my mama’s face, arms, back, kicking her back. I cowered, I  hid, I was ready because I knew he stayed in the car too long with his paper bag covered bottle and thoughts.

Today, I read Chapter 4 of Bonnie Gray’s Finding Spiritual Whitespace. I was one with Bonnie as she detailed the porch scene, violent and sad. I connected, I was moved. I thank God for her bravery and her healing.

I will continue to read and continue my journey into sharing the unspoken horrors, thereby freeing up space for Jesus and his peace.

I will unpack, uncover, explain the scars…the scars I have eluded to…and in the sharing, in the bold connecting I will tell others. Jesus is my redeemer…the one who needs the space occupied by horror. I will empty the bad, horrible,scary, stuff and I will free up space for peace, for spiritual whitespace.

Abbie girl…a not so serious blog about a dog

Motherhood, rest, Uncategorized
"Doggie- Yoga" Heather and Abbie are soulmates

“Doggie- Yoga” Heather and Abbie are soulmates…two of my loves.

Until this beagle here, I was not a dog person. Raised in the country with dogs in abundance, I never disliked dogs; but, I never was a person who is slightly irrationally connected with a dog!

We had other dogs before Abbie aka “Abbilena” … fuzzy white princess dogs that were predictable pets for Heather or a puppy who needed a home. We even have had masses of cats who were residents of our home; but, as cats go, they could care less about connecting with me. We liked ’em, we fed ’em, they purred and they hung out… they were content with that “no strings attached” arrangement, as most cats are.

It all began with a decision to take Abbie to Tybee Island for my 50th birthday…she behaved like a lady. She loved each and every one of us and followed all the rules, lounging on the screened in porch bed we made. From that point on, no going back…she was one with us and never once again slept in a dog house. She rewards us every single day for letting her move in and participate in our crazy, lazy, complicated daily routines!

Abbie makes me smile. She’s sad to see me go and thrilled to see me at whatever time I return. If Austin’s not home, she loves to plant herself in the middle of his big, comfy quilt and look up when he walks in saying “What??? I missed you!!!” She tilts her head to the side when she realizes I’ve caught her getting a snack through the neighbor’s fence. I have become that dog person who is certain I know exactly what she’s thinking.

Beagle love is an undemanding love.

Last week, Heather and I seriously considered creating a Twitter account for Abbie because she simply has so much wisdom to share with our friends, our world. Made sense to us. Austin threatened to disown us if we did, so we haven’t…yet.

If you have not connected with a dog, you are missing out. Add this to your bucket list now! You must do this! You must open your heart and mind to the craziness and of being convinced that you are like-minded with a dog!

There is simply no love like dog love.

So, here’s a blogging side of me that’s off the thought provoking, spiritual, often way too seriously beaten path. Here’s a peek inside something I cherish… the welcoming, unconditional, ever available love from a beagle, Abbie girl!

God who sees me

Faith, Prayer, Uncategorized

I am learning it’s about relationship…this thing called prayer.  We make it intimidating, often we abuse its worth or casually say we do or we will, as a generic response; but, we don’t pray.

God knows our hearts…be assured he will not abandon us. He will, however orchestrate our lives in a way that we can’t help but fall on our knees, either praising or imploring. I’m certain he wonders why we don’t just stay near, keep the conversation going. Just the same, he knows we’re cyclical by nature and he’s patient with our inconsistencies because he knows after awhile we will know to be near is peace…and we will stay there…near to the heart of God. The place where we see Him and see ourselves the way he has always seen us…as His child.

Knees down. Face raised, hands open to release, receive.

You are the God who sees me. Genesis 16:13

Staring at the sky

Faith, rest, Trust, Uncategorized
10151415238961203

Cedars at Hendrix Cemetery Rocky Ford, Georgia

When I was a little girl I loved to lie down in the cool, sandy dirt pathway that led from my grandma’s house to the pond. I could lie there staring upwards in silence, not thinking or imagining anything; just fixated on the expanse of blue as my hands caressed the fine, sandy dirt, rhythmically filtering handfuls through my fingers.  Or sometimes I’d position myself under the chinaberry tree and peer through the branches sprinkled with teeny-tiny green berries, still wondering about everything; at the same time content to figure out nothing really, just to be there with sky, ground and God… my grandma’s backyard.

Recently, not Mother’s Day as you may expect, I drove to the country cemetery up on a hill, a family place, Hendrix Cemetery. I was alone and content to be with my mama and daddy. I was secluded enough, surrounded by farmer’s fields to place  tokens of my love, my longings for them on their headstones. A penny for my daddy, a flower for my mama and then I rested under the old cedar tree, its fingerlings branches reaching towards heaven.  Not a sorrowful rest, but a sweet surrender to sovereignty… a place of acceptance, more so over time,  a quiet rest, in in the country, with them, the trees, and the bluest blue sky.

With God…a place of soul rest.

“Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place.” Jesus  

Mark 6:31

 

 

 

Mother’s Day – Alphabetized

Faith, Motherhood, Uncategorized

 

10321199_10152363781271203_2747384672413908412_o

Yay, for finding this! I know Mother’s Day is next weekend; but, I have been thinking about this post all week. This is from three years ago and my blog was sort of not so well-organized, the fonts nor layout…the content always so great! 

But, I have grown. The two of you have grown. We have grown together with God’s grace and prayer and still random “Don’t forget I love you’s” and even more “thank you God prayers from me”  because he gave the two of you to me. ❤️

Last week, I sat in a meeting pretending to be compelled by the speaker. If I told you the topic, you’d agree that there was no real reason for me to listen. I promise, I was not rude, just disinterested. You would have been too.

So, I began to think about Mother’s Day.

Last year I did something new at Mother’s Day… I gave my children cards…after all, without them I wouldn’t be a mother on Mother’s Day.  Ridiculous or martyrdom type thinking? I think not…makes sense to me.  You’ll see why.

So, my mind continued to wander, surrounded by people either listening or not and I decided to use my alphabet trick. When I can’t sleep or am bored I start with A and thank God in ABC order with spontaneity and randomness. As I started with A, I realized I was listing things about my children and so, this will be this year’s Mother’s Day card to Heather and Austin…an alphabetical listing of the reasons I love them and the thoughts I think of them throughout my days:

A is for Austin, my grandfather’s name and for Analise, the center of my girl’s name, the reverse of mine….B is for Bama, who taught me to love words by playing “Scramble” and for Bible verses I love…C is for constant, not conditional, my love for you and for cornfields and cotton and country girl things…D is for dirt roads and dancing, because you may not remember; but, when your were babies we danced, soft swaying and spinnin’ round the room…E is for Everything small things and the big things too…F is for Faith, simple and strong…G is for Gator cheerleader and my Gregg Park boy…H is for Heather, Hugs and Hands held…I is for itsy-bitsy spiders and ice cream from a churn… J is for “junkin”, a mommy day treat and for James,  a young man, distinguished and sweet…K is for kisses  on your sweet fingers, foreheads and toes…L is for Lisa, you both call me at times, confident and funny, I don’t really mind…M is for mommy my favorite of all but I’ll answer to mama as long as you call… and for Memory most of all the “don’t forget I love yous ” I like to leave on your phones …N is for naptime, we all love them still…O is for ornery, I sometimes am ill…P is for Prayer, every day and more;  whether you were pitching or pouting or praisin’ the Lord  …Q is for quiet, the house when you’re gone…   R is for rascal, your great-grandaddy a legacy of rambunctiousness and for Right as in “do the Right thing”…S is for Stephanie, whose soul lives in you and for Spot, a chubby dog character who we all knew…T is for tantrums in car seats and stores and for tears shed over life or losing or winning scores…U is for unconditional, my love for you two and for undies unworn and for uniforms with mud… V is for Value; not from me, but from God and for Verses I send, random and true…X is for the Xtra big Xtravagant love I have for you…Y is for YOU, what I pray you will be… despite any challenge of any degree. Don’t lean to the wrong or follow along, be YOU in a crowd, with Jesus beside you, you’re never alone…Z is for Zoo, which for you would mean a ponies and moo-cows and monkeys and pups kinda Zoo… A happy,silly, cool place our Zoo!

So,  Year Two of a Mother’s Day gift tradition TO my children…shamelessly, printed and envelope sealed. “Off-the wall, crazy, unnecessary!”some may say in light of all you do. But, my Gift from my children is my children, for without my Heather Analise and my James Austin, a mother I would not be!

Happy Mother’s Day!

peace

Faith, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized

peace

Rest, solitude, surrender, acceptance, contentment and trust mean peace.

See this tattered and faded ball?  A confident, serene hue, slowly lingering yet deflating; but, confidently balanced on the water’s surface? It stays afloat because of what’s inside.

That’s trust in deep waters…assurance,deeply personal, invisible even…but it’s there and God sees it. Our surrender, our solace, our prayer of refuge, our reserve of hope in Him. Psalm 142:5

Peace is in the Center of God’s will.

Cliff moments

Faith, Trust, Uncategorized

10152297373766203

When I find myself wanting to rush to judgement, rush to fix, rush to force, it feels like standing on the edge of a cliff…thinking, Jump, do something, don’t just stand there! The thing is I’m terrified of heights. So, good thing Jesus is standing next to me, my toes clinching the ground as he holds my hand, my heart, saying, “Wait here, hold on for the answer, the good, the level ground.”

There will come a time when you think it is the end. That will be the beginning. Louis L’Amour

The Plateau

Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized

Image

It’s an odd thing sometimes the way I find myself thinking about words.  Sometimes my daughter will look at me as if to say “Where on earth did you pull that word from?” I imagine I’m not the only person who likes to discover just the right words.

Yesterday, I found myself in a state of mind, a place in my various challenges that felt “flat”. Nothing was happening the way I wanted. I had added a jog interval to my walk; but my weight hadn’t changed. I submitted a story for publication; yet had not seen it in print. I asked my husband to do something out of his routine; yet,it had fallen on deaf, distracted ears. I talked about a change at work, clarifying my expectations and everything is the same.

There are things my children are on the cusp of. Things they have worked for, accomplishments worked towards, dreams, happy life events that are “lining up” for them. I’m waiting in line, alongside them, expectantly; but, with maternal “what ifs”. It’s not a good place to be, this plateau, this flat, barren place of questioning.

All day long, I kept thinking…something good, let me see something good. It felt like a  holding pattern…not so much a valley…a plateau.

Stuck on nowhere, waiting in the mundane and acknowledging a feeble, less than ever hope.

The plateau is at least not the valley. The valley is wrought with despair, with complacency, with sorrow. The plateau is a frustrating place. It’s a place of knowing what could be, just not when. It’s a “hands tied” place where the only thing to do is wait. So, what happens when the plateau borders the valley?

 I crawled into bed and I said my prayers; but, this time with tears streaming of release, surrender, need. Not sure what to pray, just a real need to connect, I prayed “Show me the good, show me your glory. I will wait and surrender every outcome to your will; but Lord show just a glimpse of the beauty, the blessing you’re preparing.” And then I slept and I woke , renewed, refreshed, and resigned. My Lord is good and His mercies are new every morning.

 I am overcome with joy because of your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and You care about the anguish of my soul. Psalm 31:7