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My Soul, a Seeker

Abuse Survivor, bravery, courage, Faith, grace, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

The pencil in my hand, a comfort. 

It is.

A halfhearted, less than purposeful and slightly abrupt prayer before reading, Lamentations, Chapter, 3.

Oh, my soul, You never let go.

Lamenting seems appropriate as I’ve dreamt of reminders again, the chapter is hard in the first verses. The lamented recalling harm, darkness and entrapment. 

Hard things are good if for no other reason at all than someone else’s understanding. 

Yes, worth its weight in gold is another’s understanding how long things are there, those wounds, understands the answer to when you might be able to get past it. 

The answer is always, “Never.”

The lamented understands and counters with hope and faith, has become a seeker of all things soul-filling. 

“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! 

His mercies never cease. 

Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” 

The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.”

‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:21-25‬ ‭NLT‬‬
The Lamentations never discounted, the faith, though, oh, the heart and soul of my faith! 

chronicling 

Uncategorized

If I’d taken five minutes or a few more. 

I’d have within my reach, a planner, my journal, or whatever I might find. 

I might, although odd, talk into my phone as a record for later. 


But, time did not go at all in the way of taking time today, not at all. 

For things that matter

To me, at least. 

It’s half a day’s worth of hours later and it’s getting ready mode for next big day. 

No time for walk. 

Stretch, long and low and slow.  Slow, unwind, let heavy stuff flow down to less heavy. 

Downward dog, I notice, quite a whole lot like prayer. 

I remember, face down towards carpet, my husband showering with his 80’s music cushioned by door. 

Still, a serenade.

My cousin who is never, ever untrue, sent a message about my chapter  “Your words had depth, the most of all. You must continue.”

The weight of this, still so even now

very much significant. 

And a prayer, then a call. 

I’m sorry to say it wasn’t ’til later I realized the connection, 

Call, not text. 

“Wanna hear something funny?”

“Yes, actually that would be good.”

And it was, good…the call and the funny thing.

Sweet, unexpectedly sweet. 

Just before, momentarily by a prayer. 

Then, clarity mid-shower, early this morning …

oddest and most true of places…

Yes, this I should do. 

This, story I should tell. 

This is how I should. 

So, here I am again, over half a day since thoughts making sense and I’m sort of jealous over my obligations not allowing time to remember. 

Wondering how writers write. 

I’m touching up the bright coral on the nails  of my toes, prepping for fancy, casual work thing tomorrow. 

The Labrador watches and wonders, I believe…what’s all this other stuff that you do and why do you…? 

Me too, “Colton Dixon, me too.”

And I decide, at least, at least… 

I remember the best parts of day reminded by my downward pose and dog. 

Soon, very soon, there will be time and there will be more days worthy of 

chronicling.

Of keeping record of things finally making sense. 

Me Now

Children, courage, family, grace, mercy, Motherhood, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

I wear bedroom slippers now, soft and gray, the kind you slip into and make the scruffy sound across the fluff of rug or hardwood. 


My husband says “pick your feet up” and I can’t decide if I’m old or tiny.

I grab the white robe, lightly patterned waffle texture and it’s mine morning and night. “Are you cold?” he asks.

“No.” I answer and don’t attempt to explain that it doesn’t matter anymore how frumpy I may be. I love my robe, it’s one of my things, sensory pleasing, comfortable against my skin, all wrapped up and at peace. 

My aunt used to wear her makeup to bed, fixed her hair before gardening, now my uncle sweetly fusses for her to shower when she’s been sewing all day and it’s about time for supper. 

She sews on and on, her fabrics feeling the touch of her aging hand.

 I love that woman, love that lostness in the thing she’s making, doing, it’s a not so fierce, 

More a pleasing independence, who she is.

I love that woman. 

Her now. 

Me now. 

I have a cousin, the same, fiercely honest and a master at getting lost in all things digging and planting. 

She is she, profoundly she.

She prays for me, I pray for her. 

A friend told my daughter last week, “Oh, your mama is stepping out, I wouldn’t be surprised what she might do.”

We all smiled. 

Today, the little girl who hid behind her grandma from the moodiness of boisterous grandpa and life will get to do something. 

Today, I tell myself just now, I will smile, unconcerned over the memory of a broken tooth that went unfixed because of time and money and life. 

Today, I will pray before filming a segment on a show hosted by a gracious and easy listening woman. 

I will follow God’s lead in my replies, because I will have prayed that God have his way with us both. 

Today, I’ll not worry about the appearance of knees, round and pale, showing for the world to see, because I love the dress, it’s me. 

I’ll stay where I’ve found is best and true, acknowledging God in these opportunities, the things I call treasures he has given me, a chapter in a book. 

The chance to talk about Him. How he undeniably is all amongst this thing! 

My chapter called, “Leaving Loved” submitted at the suggestion of someone I met while writing a story about her, then selected and I’m asked if I know of a non-profit that serves women and children. 

“Yes, I do, I work for one, it’s called Nurture Home.” Nurture Home 

And then, it’s selected. This is why I believe in taking steps towards possible opportunities. 

So, today I sit with coffee and a copy of “I Heart Mom” and I’ve prayed already and will be praying again. 

Thank you, Lord that I get to do this today and for whatever “this’s” come from here, from you, through you, 

for me now. 

The me I’m becoming, through you. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. 

“They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11 NLT

This book, and these publishers, all a part of God’s plans for me, has stories of struggling, gracious and brave moms. 

There are stories of single parenting, of the loss of a child, of in vitro blessings and newborn blessings. 

The stories are authentic and are “every mama” stories. I encourage to consider purchasing one on Amazon for yourself, a mom or a friend. 

A portion of the proceeds will be divided between Nurture Home and another non-profit that works to keep young people safe. 

Thank you, Jesus for your grace towards me thus far. What a love, what a grace.
Learn more here about how God brought me to this place of now:

http://www.relevantpagespressllc.com/anthology

I’m linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee. Her story, also on Fox News website had me anticipating the answer and when I found the answer to “loving others”, the only comment that made sense was “awesome”. 

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/surprising-virtue-strongest-people-know/

No Wonder

Faith, grace, mercy, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized

No wonder I love this song. 

After having the lyrics, all day long on my mind, I found it, played it late as drive home, late after long day and realized why I loved it back then, preparing me for now. 

Beauty divine, life, a surprise. 

Does it ever catch your eye?

Believe. 

In case you wanna listen…

In an old man’s tears

A little girl’s smile

If it feels like a song

One that belongs

To you
Stop making sense

Your weakest defense

Just quiet your mind

Let the world unwind

See we’re not alone

He makes Himself known

In time

His own time
So breathe

Life will surprise you

Just Be

It’s what the world denies you

You see

The truth is all around you

Believe
We’re not alone

He makes Himself known

In time, His own time
Does it ever catch your eye

Blessing and Beauty Divine

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, praise, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

I saw a canvas, the happiest tone of pink with what I believe may be poppies strewn across the surface. The paint, thick and creamy and a sporadic peppering of words like joy and in the corner was the page torn from a song book. 

This, I saw when visiting my sister after a long time, this canvas at the top of her stairs. I paused in the moment of gentle surprise of forgotten inspiration for my art.

I’ve got what my friend calls an “angel ministry”. I sit in my girl’s old bedroom and I sing in an empty house, lyrics of grace and peace, of gardens and of mercy and trust. 

I paint for hours. I am lost in the process of paint covered fingers and layering of color and expression. My angels are without facial features, I pray their figure brings a pleasing pause, a contemplation or comfort.

Like the pink canvas and I in my sister’s Savannah home. 

Little pages torn from old hymnals are the starting point to my pieces, just one of the many reasons lately I find myself singing praise.

I’m singing “praise God from whom all blessings flow.” a whole lot more, acknowledging His gift of grace. 

For he has heard my purposeful morning and intermittent recitation of the ancient prayer of a young man who felt he’d do well just to not be a burden. 

Every day, I pray in different form or fashion sometimes, thinking of  his expectation of nothing more than a life of hardship. 

I pray the words of Jabez “Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my border, and that you would keep me from harm so that it might not bring me pain!” 

And God granted what he asked.  

I Chronicles 4: 10

And I have blessed, I have been given opportunities I never expected. God has enlarged my border, extended opportunities.

I decided not to be afraid and I surrendered it to Him. 

This is why I sing a song from pre-Pandora or Spotify days, a CD my daughter made for me and my son and I sang along to sometimes…” Does it ever catch your eye…beauty divine? 

Believe, life will surprise you. Believe.”

Brandon Heath 

Other Prayers

courage, family, grace, mercy, Prayer, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized

I asked a fellow blogger, “Why do some of us notice, while others stay insulated by self?”

Yes, work was a little more than overwhelming today; but, I took paintings to work with me and arrived at 8:00 (Write it down! she said, you made it in early) because a reporter asked to talk with me about my angels, my paintings, she’s noticed. 

I consider it opportunity, I told her, an opportunity to have others feel comforted, maybe at rest. 

An opportunity to tell of the opportunities God kept for me, brought me to, knew were there all along. 

Regardless of notice or lull, I’ve been revived by found treasure, I’ll be painting. 

So, I did my best to tell her why I paint, why I know for certain it’s a seed that finally found a bit of light to cause its growth. 

We talked of life too, being without our fathers. Eventually resting in the love we gave them, no longer disputing who among us loved well or more. 

Resigned in our relationships with our fathers. 

An elderly man has been killed by a stranger for no reason at all.

I read that he loved his family, grandchildren, great-grands. 

Randomly, he has left them. 

A mama, pregnant with a daughter she’s at last decided to welcome was upset today, 

Her four year old pouted when she sent him inside our homeless shelter to talk about grown up things with us. 

Sometimes I forget about that grace thing I say…But, for grace I might have gone there. 

I need reminding.  

Thank you, Jesus for bringing me to reasons for pause, to notice others.

I struggled with explaining to a reporter why my angels have no faces.  

I’d never been asked. 

Told her they’re all around, waiting to be a comfort, the sway of the hip, the curve of a shoulder, the stance shaped by flow of gown. 

They are hopeful comfort, almost like quiet observers interspersed in our life and are without wings because they’re 

here among us,  not above

You and I. 

They wait to be noticed as they notice.  

I worked hard today and tonight I will sleep, having texted my son “Sleep well, SYP’s (say your prayers)”  and catching the dinging reply in which he says. “Thanks, you too.”

I’ll say them, my prayers for struggles I’ve not known, for things other than self…it’s a worthy discipline, you should consider its practice. 

To pray for tragedies and people wrapped up in them, that we don’t know or understand,

And tho’ I’ll not know the ones I pray for, I am comforted in the assurance of being heard, 

Like an angel without features, a quietly comforting presence. 

We are all standing in need of prayers.

How can we not pray? 

How can we not comfort? 

Song and Story

courage, Easter, Faith, grace, mercy, praise, rest, Salvation, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Sometimes I sing songs to myself, quietly, affirmations. 

I may sing “Jesus Keep me Near the Cross” or “I am weak though art strong, Jesus keep me from all wrong.”


The other day, I spoke to a group of women philanthropists and in detailing data and outcome, I kept circling back around to story. 

I stood in front of them, some questioning, some listening, some disenchanted and some quite enthralled. 

I told them, “I am a storyteller.” and some smiled, maybe thinking “Yes, you are.” Because theres a touchable lightness, a clarity I know, I can feel, when I have an invitation to tell. I have a friend who calls this the “Aura of God” He is all around us when we are being who he made us to be, the aura of God, maybe you know too. 

“I love to tell the story of Jesus and His love. Tell me the story of Jesus, write on my heart every word, sweetest that I’ve ever heard. Tell how the angels in glory sang as they welcomed his birth. Living he loved me. Dying he saved me…oh, glorious day!”

I’d loved to have been there. To sit with the two Marys. I believe I would have had no need to question or speak , although there would be much to understand. 

I’d loved to have simply been in their presence when they mourned the horrible death of Jesus, when they stretched out their faithful allegiance to him for as long as they could, lingering where he’d been laid. 

I wonder how long they would have remained had he not risen and then walked beside them to reveal his resurrection to them, His presence. 

Oh, what a comfort that must have been. 

What joy, what a humbling privilege. 

I cannot imagine.


 I’d love to have been able to sit with them. I know they must have told the story to thousands and certainly countless times. Still telling it to me as I make markings of how I conjure them to have been. 
“Early on Sunday morning, as the new day was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went out to visit the tomb. Suddenly there was a great earthquake! For an angel of the Lord came down from heaven, rolled aside the stone, and sat on it. His face shone like lightning, and his clothing was as white as snow. The guards shook with fear when they saw him, and they fell into a dead faint. Then the angel spoke to the women. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭28:1-6

I’d love to have heard their sharing, been captivated by their sadness and joy as they sat before me, women who told their Easter morning story of Jesus. 

I met Jesus when a country preacher told me to just pray for his mercy. So, I did and every single day I feel more forgiven and I have more new and amazing stories of his mercy towards me that tells makes clear, “Yes, Lisa you are worthy of mercy and grace.” 

That’s the way of my moment by minute walk, it’s a growing journey, this song I sing…

“Just a closer walk with thee” and let me ever be aware of you Lord, let me not get so distracted and independent of you Lord. 

Let me linger in the place where death held your battered body. 

But, only just a little while. Because you live. 

This is why I sing, “Jesus Keep me Near the Cross” 

May I be like the Marys, may I know where to stay. 

Tomorrow I’ll sing with our choir made up of women. 

I have a few lines to myself, a solo. 

“The love of God is greater far than any tongue or pen can tell. 

It goes beyond the highest star and reaches to the lowest hell…oh, how he loves you and me.”

What a story I get to tell because of mercy, unmerited favor. His death sacrificial. 

“Oh how he loves you and me…if we with ink, the ocean fill and we’re the skies of parchment made, if every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade…

to write the love of God above

would drain the ocean dry.”

“Love’s like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath

The weight of his wind and mercy.” 


In Jesus name and because of mercy

I pray, 

Amen.  

“This is my story. This is my song. Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine.”

Through the Woods: the Place where They are at Rest

bravery, Children, courage, Faith, family, grace, grief, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

The only way I’d ever know would be to take off through the woods, haphazard but determined. 

There’s an open field between two county lines and I slow down and submit to its calling. 

Every single time. 

There are not many cars, I press the button, lower the window and randomly, but with intention, I hope to capture this place. 

There are photos on my phone.

Today, I decided the sky more magnificent here, the red tipped wild spreading weeds that convince me of flower, they are more special here too. 

This place that sits in the middle of two county lines, Bulloch and Jenkins and Screven, a border, I realized on the other side of the field that turns my head. 

Because I drove on towards the turn towards Rocky Ford, thinking I should go, travel about seven or so minutes then turn right then another right and then a left to the place at the bottom of the clay slick road. 

The Hendrix Cemetary, where my mama and my daddy lay and rest. 

I don’t turn. I don’t know why or I do know; but, I feel horrible to say I don’t. 

They are not there. To visit the stones marked by name and date, I suppose feels obligatory, an act expected.

So, I consider the turn, plenty of time; yet, I decide it is better to go home. 

So, I go on, for only a bit feeling disloyal or unfit and hours later, I’ve decided, the field that causes me to look, I believe it leads to that place. 

If I might set out one day, I believe it would be true. The open field that slows my travel is the one that sits in the shadow of the high hill and the tall cedars that shade the graves of the ones who made me, me. 

Yes, this is why the sky seems more ready to meet me, the field more inviting and the road less long and never ending. 

Because of the nearness, the nearness of them. 

I prefer to notice the clouds, full to the point of bursting and the wide open field beneath that beckons me every single time I travel on my path from Georgia back to Carolina 

And underneath what  I’ve decided now is just a walk through the woods that makes and has made sense all along. 

I felt them; yes, I felt them near and I paused to be sure. 

To be sure. 

Palm Sunday Sundown 

courage, Faith, grace, mercy, Palm Sunday, Prayer, rest, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized

There’s a wide open field sitting catticorner as I turn down the last turn towards home. 

If I stay for church after choir, I’m affirmed in my choice because this field always causes me to stop.  No one around, I let the window down and I pay homage to the display, the sun is going down in a splendid way for me. Always does here. 

Tomorrow will be a new day. 


I consider it all together; the day, the words, the verses showing themselves as I waver over my thoughts and questions, lately enigmatic, where do I go from here? 

Maybe nowhere just yet. Linger, Lisa. 

He makes everything beautiful in His time. 

Become not overwhelmed with lofty what if or when. Let not the discernment of your thoughts be based on anything other than the loudly clear truth that comes when you get quiet and still. 

It’s then you notice what matters, not the validation of others; but, the undeniable notice of one, my Heavenly Father. 

 It happens by surprise, your thoughts lovingly taken captive. 

I cried in church this morning. 

My thoughts drifted during the sermon. I noticed the tiny little footnotes marked by teeny tinier numbers interspersed with scripture. 

I read ahead a little of the sermon on the three crosses and the thieves and skipped to the place marked “The Death of Jesus”. 

“It was now about the sixth hour, and there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour, while the sun’s light failed. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!” And having said this he breathed his last.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭23:44-46‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I was curious about the explanation marked by footnote, so I looked more closely to understand. 

The time of day was noon, the sixth hour. 

The sun went away leaving what I imagine a large expanse of fear and darkness, of troubled minds, hearts and souls. 

It was dark until 3:00, the ninth hour, the middle of a day. 

Darkness marked the time and day,  Jesus died for the sins of us in between a man bold enough to be humble and believe and the other too proud, angry and defeated to accept the possibility of grace. 
I cried in church this morning. I read about the dark and sunless sky and I cried. 

I thought of Mary, his mother; but, mostly I wondered about God. 

I wondered if maybe God decided it was just too difficult to watch. 

Now, I’ll tell you that’s not scriptural, still I wondered if that may have been His reason. 

And I cried in church this morning over the darkness that marked death.  Had I not recorded it here, no one would know, that I sat next to my husband, looking down at my Bible and I cried. 

My tears were tender. They were soft and not for show, as if my reading of the black sky rested in my thoughts until a hand reached down somehow and clutched my heart, gently prompting a reaction I’d not let be forgotten. 

I’ve been journaling about the people who met Jesus. Women caught, found out, brought out and yet, redeemed. 

The intellectuals made to tuck their tails and turn from places in the sand preventing stones hurled at “sinners”. 

I wrote about the woman at the well who met Jesus and then went about thrilled over all the bad he knew of her yet loved her. 

She told every single person about her encounter at the well. She was astounded in a joyously unabashed way. 

I cried at church today.  I cried to think of how God took away the sun in the middle of the day as his Son died for me and you. 

How could I not tell you of it, my tears and my redemption? 

How could I scarcely keep it in, the way the sun escorted me home the day I mourned its going away? 

Everything, beautiful in its time 

He makes it.  Darkness only lasts for a time, long enough to remind me of what matters most. 

This “calling”, this thing I call my treasure because God led me to name it so, it will flourish and it will grow to whatever size and benefit God decides will serve the purpose of his glory. 

I know some things grow best in the dark. 

Faith, especially, the strength our eyes do not see. 
Linking up with Michele Morin as she talks about her fears and a blind man who responded when Jesus asked, “What do you want me to do?”

Imagined Lives and Enough

bravery, Faith, grace, Trust, Uncategorized

I saw the prompt first thing, Five Minute Friday’s link up/join in on the spontaneously impulsive writing.  I always go over the time limit, still I like the idea of free flow.

And I love, loved it, a word already settled in my heart. I’ve finally found the place of enough, goodness, I hope I stay longer.

 


The word is “Enough”.  I thought, Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that, even made a proclamation of its value and convincingly told myself that enough is well and good and is well, enough.

Like the little corner in the room I call “writing”, I had lofty ideas for its design; but the Labrador has taken over the bed and I’ve yet to order the gallery pictures for the walls. Still, I made a little corner more special and I believe it’s enough.

Enough is a mindset easily tainted by comparison and imagined lives causing me to feel less than enough or mostly, lately…”How on earth would I find enough time to do the things they do so very well and smoothly?  Every place I gaze upon, I see helpful hint overload, guidance, encouragement like coursework on a syllabus to be followed. Do this, that, keep going, keep trying, keep writing. ”

Steals the joy of it really, sometimes, the joy of pretty sentences looked back over to cause my nod slightly when no ones around.

Yes, this is me, this is brave, these words match my thoughts. I imagine the lives of others having seamlessly designed days of basking in the satisfaction of completeness.

I imagine them more joyful because of it.

So, I’ve decided this and will do my best to stick to its conviction.

I will write a few words, eventually chapters and upon sending the words into the world, I will say to self and listen to self as I offer up prayer:

Lord, let this land in the face of one looking down, looking for connection, for reason and relating. Let me not reach to grab back for show or measure what I’ve given to you for you to give to another.

Lord, remind me of the joy of enough.

Linking up with Kate Motaug for Five Minute Friday.

http://katemotaung.com/2017/04/06/five-minute-friday-enough-plus-a-giveaway/

enough