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I Believe, Soon

bravery, courage, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

I had a thought this week, or maybe last.
It stopped me for a minute, made me anxious, made me wish for different, made me long for more.

Made me forget for a bit the more than enough that is mine.

I won't call it an epiphany because I consider epiphany good, of value and I suppose I find epiphany forward in thought.

No, not forward, my worries, they've been more backward.

I thought my thought, "What if the words stop coming? The so clear clarity needed to be recorded, what if I can't recall, if I can't record, if I for fear and time not free, become unable to write?"

My cousin told me it's coming.

She said she believes it is soon.

She's deliberate and decisive in her declaration. She speaks truth, cuts no corners, adds what makes better and leaves out what's not necessary.

She speaks the truth like she serves up dishes, plates it up, puts it in front of you, joins you there in the joy of her hands and then takes your plate away, leaves you full, content, lets you rest.

She knows I've been struggling. Tells me it's soon, the writing, the angels, not sure which or both; but, it's soon.

"God is going to give you freedom, Lisa and I believe, soon." she said.

But, I've been afraid although I know fear leads to nowhere.

Afraid I'm not enough, nor are my words or canvas.

Craziness.

Yes, crazy thing is I've written more and with more authenticity than ever before.

I've painted more often and more freely, more me and okay with me than ever in my life.

There's the fear of not enough, the insatiable emptiness caused by what if coupled with the pitiful thought of why not more.

I ramble.

I have been blessed. I assure you. I have.

Commissions for angels.

Another opportunity, chosen to be a guest writer on a well read blog.

Goes live tomorrow, my thoughts on gentleness.

I pray they turn minds, hearts and thoughts to good places, to God.

They are my words, my understanding, my relating to the story of Jesus and the time he initiated relationship with a woman at a well who'd decided herself unworthy.

A story of a gentle turning towards peace.

Yet, I've been afraid.

This week, last as well. I've been afraid of what may not be.

My days, the past two have been discombobulated. I'm going from thing to thing, told I could speak as long as needed, then someone else gets my attention by pointing frantically at their watch.

I get off track, room filled with faces, I struggle to know what should be said next, what to do, how to act, my chest aches, I'm afraid I've not done well, continue or stop abruptly?

Apologized for rambling then a self-proclaimed toastmaster tells me I should never apologize…no one knows you faltered…okay, yes, I know. I know.

Evening reading that's usually morning, Lord, set me free from the need to control, to be so very hesitant for fear of not being persistent!

So, I prayed. I circled round the word, Peace. I wrote it on my paper taped to my wall, the door closed, making dark my closet, the place I sometimes pray.

We walked, Colt and I. Approached the tall pines all clustered together.

The birds all frenzied it seemed, asking What? Where? Who?

When?

I longed to see them, such a frantic chorus, the melody of not sure.

Could they know I understood?

We walked on towards the open, the sky a steely blue, sunset coming, changing our scene.

And it was gradual, so much so I noticed.

We got back to where we began and the birds, more settled or scattered, not sure.

But, less an obstruction to my quiet, we stopped to rest in the place we had always paused before but had not in a long time.

Not for awhile and I realized then I'd been rushing towards someplace, my steps more like darting chances or longing lunges.

Tired and afraid or afraid to be tired
and unable, incapable.

We turned towards home unleashed, the moon hazy above, just past dusk.

The Rose of Sharon, the rare one, my husband told me.

I noticed the bloom, open and resting, the glory of its color and it was the answer I felt, I saw…I was reminded of rest, wait, faith.

"Come, Colt." I said and he came and I was better, more at peace.

What I have begun, I know because of faith, which is more, so much more than feeling, I will continue.

Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭8:11-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee to Tell His Story and a post I love so much…living a life that lines up with my talk.

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/happen-let-lives-preach-louder-lips/

Wherever it Pleases

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I’m going somewhere I’ve never been today.

I did that twice before in this couple or few years that feel like breaking through.

Hashtag following the number 17, not so much to proclaim the astounding that has occurred or will.

More a reference, like reconciling budget, profit, loss, bottom line reflecting an increase.

Last week, I read of how God just wants to be with me in the process.

That the far reaching, wildly aspirational goals proclaimed to be acclaimed matter so very, very little to Him.

Who are we to know?

No, He desires to be in the dailies. He desires a consistent turning of our heads in a nod of affirmation, like a morning fist pump that says “You and me, let’s go!”

In a few days I get to share a devotional here as a guest post. I was surprised to be selected just like I am surprised every single time someone commissions a painting or comments here that my words rang true.

Believe me, if you know me you already do believe…

these are opportunities neither the me I am now nor the former little girl lost or grown up girl running would have ever expected.

Every morning, I write it out.
Bless me.
Enlarge my borders.
Keep me from harm, the prayer of Jabez.

Day 16, the chapter of Draw the Circle, 40 Day Prayer Challenge, called “Lord, Surprise Me” talks of the wind blowing as it pleases. It’s a calculated decision, intentional in abandonment.

I’ve prayed this way too.

But, not always wholeheartedly.

Crazy, ’cause I do love surprises.

Prayers I’ve prayed have been more pleading, more distraught, more at a loss not expecting any gain just simply level ground to settle.

I’ve prayed, begging for relief for another, my son, my daughter, myself…give them something good today, something that will bring a smile, cause them to notice you.

Lord, show me, us, them your glory…please!

Once, I prayed that prayer and it resulted in a hammering line drive in a losing game.

Another time, a cherished wish and hopeful goal becoming opportunity that had been forsaken.

But, today and more days to come, I will pray,

“Lord, surprise me.” and my prayer will be lifted up and it will lead me to places and people and moments that will be divine, God’s spirit in me giving more reason to call the year “breakthrough”.

“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”
‭‭John‬ ‭3:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Today, I get to go to a place I’ve never been.

My eyes become moist at the thought of what God has for me there, and from there.

The wind pushing me, prodding at my back from where I was, fearful I might come to rest there.

Angels and Listeners

bravery, Faith, grace, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Prompted by the word, “Inspired” this morning and reminded of a conversation about the angels, an unexpected listener, his ear inclined to my story of the angels.

Five Minute Friday, an opportunity for free flow of thought to here.

“How did the angels begin, what inspired you? he asked.

So, I told again, the simplicity of beginning to create again and to paint angels.

“I began sketching them in the margin of my Bible and they became my thing for me and now, occasionally, for others. ” I said.

A civic meeting, lunch time discussion, professionals and friends.

And, I am asked about the angels.

Same way, same question, new listener.

This one, he listens intently. I tell of the process.

He is not pretending to care.

His interest and ear inclined.

I continue with the latest angst over a piece I can’t get right, “martha, mary” I call it.

Keep beginning again, setting aside, coming back to stand over and wonder what is not true.

I tell him of those who’ve commissioned pieces, still feeling slightly ill at ease over what sounds pompous and prideful in the artistic.

He says, leaning back and clearly decisive, “I’d like to commission a piece.”

Continues with the painting he envisions being unprompted, only slightly directed by the desire of himself and his wife for their home.

Confident in his expression, in mine, that the painting will be representative of what he’s seen of them, and of me in the angels.

I smile now over the possibility of an angel in our midst yesterday during our
noontime conversation.

Angels and Other: The Art of Quiet Confidence can be found on my page here.

Linking up with others here: Inspire

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Impatient for the Bloom

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized

We have tomatoes this year.

Past two years, nary a plump fruit on the vine.

They'd make a showing of possible and then wither up all rich and red, fall to the ground in a plop of smushed up soft and no good at all.

But, this year we bring them in, let them rest on the windowsill and the ochre colored places on thinly stretched skin change from soft orange to rich red.

The place on the top where the vine let it go, caved in, the top we slice off, toss aside like big straw hat.

Happy with the good growth, pleasantly surprised by what we've made.

I've been troubled by an idea, an aspiration, a hope brought to light that has yet to yield its bloom.

I'd like to blame it on time, responsibility, aging body and mind, career and/or doubt, inability, not skilled enough or not good enough or as good as…

But, I know it's doubt and discipline and the teeter totter of one more weighty than the other that likely has tangled the roots up unable to grow.

I noticed the bloom, the one left to linger and the one with roots deep down and growing deeper.

The one that was trusted to grow on its own.

Massive blooms.

Surprisingly new growth.

Perhaps, the soil finally grabbed hold the root and the vine.

Or maybe, the not yet ready decided ready and the roots held on tight while the growth reached out and opened in bloom.

I heard someone talk about cultivation. What before, sounded like work began to sound like trust combined with discipline and with surrender to knowing my part and my part only and

then waiting, all the while longing for the opening of the bloom.

I read about seeds and big faith and I believed a story told by another of a longing fulfilled.

I listened as she told of waiting, of not manipulating, like not breaking up the soil, over watering or moving from sunny spot to sunnier.

I asked myself, am I doing my part, am I quiet in my ambition, will whatever I produce bring respect, cause others to see were it not for grace I'd not have grown so strong, or to be honest, not at all?

The humble and healthy tomatoes line the windowsill and there are more waiting on the vine.

The summer has surprised us.

We planted again, left them to grow, let them be and they grew,

quietly and unexpectedly, they grew.

My ambition, before to be noticed, now waiting, planting, anticipating bloom.

Quiet Confidence, the place I grow.

“and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you,”
‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭4:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Words, I Wonder

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, rest, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

She replied to my comment about the absolute timeliness of her tender tone.

Newly acquainted if acquainted at all through the place where expression is shared called, "Reader".

Ocean all around me.

I wonder her whereabouts and how her thoughts turned towards me

Her words, I wonder.

Several days past, I'm looking for our exchange.

Trying to fathom how she might know.

Did I mention what's become my mantra, my affirmation and motivation?

Maybe I said so, that I'd decided to believe so.

That I was resting on three words?

Last week, the connection continued.

She remembered my upcoming question pending, anxious, worrisome issue.

This writer, this speaker, this person named Julie

Remembered and said she would pray.

Then added,

God is working.

And because I'd said the same exact thing to my pastor, to a friend and now a decidedly solid statement spoken to myself,

I figured, how could she know, I must've surely left it in my comment.

No, it just happened.

Crazy, I thought, oh my goodness!

I must tell you, I'm not a believer in coincidence.

Not at all.

But, something else, the sweetest most fancy of pretty fanciful words.

You won't find it on the pages of your Bible although it's much like blessing,

Much like miracle, like spiritual, perhaps supernatural.

Serendipity.

Yes, serendipity, yes,

an unexpected occurrence in a happy way.

So, tonight I will rest well, because

God is working.

Dare I believe, in serendipitous ways.

In miraculous ways, in unchanging ways.

In mercies that are new every morning

and in the words, I wonder, that one soul holds tight

and another soul

says, yes in agreement?

One and Another

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I push too hard sometimes 

Or not at all

Afraid to hammer the next nail

Or struggling to hold what connects the next piece of the bridge

Folly, the Pier


Or the path or the persistent part, mine. 

One thing, then another thing. 

That is all faith is. 

Beginning with uncertainty becoming possibly certainly, a bridge. 

Free writing, wanderings whimsical and or weary from one step, two, three steps back then, here now, a steady stride. 

Tide is turning. Freedom is caling. A tug towards the treasured and 

determined thing.

Prayer doing what prayer does. 

Wait and See, He says. 

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2:13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Comfort and Perfection

bravery, courage, Faith, rest, Trust, Uncategorized

I sometimes write on Friday morning for five minutes because I’m not nearly afraid of a challenge as I used to be. I’m not nearly as mislead by the day when it is new and I sort of appreciate the Five Minute Friday idea, keeping me from analyzing every word.

Go. 


It’s not late enough for someone who is on vacation. Still, I rise and I meet me in the place of solitude. I scrunch into the corner, bordered by pillows on one side and my books on the other, some of them study, some sketch, another the book marked with the year. 

Coffee cup chosen to match the mood. Paisley, a keeper, every thing a reason, a season, a remembrance. 

Barely opened my eyes from the tossing of the night and not alert enough to fret. 

The morning still breaking, I sit void of lamplight and I read another’s words on perfection, the I AM definition. 

Find my comfort for this day, more to come 

in this year I called, still calling “breakthrough” with breaks that seem only tiny cracks letting the light in, the air out, the door creaking its hinge. 

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me. Lord, your faithful love endures forever; do not abandon the work of your hands.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭138:7

Comfort for today, bright hope for tomorrow. 

This post is prompted by Five Minute Friday: http://fiveminutefriday.com/linkup/

A Prayer for the Uncertain Creative

bravery, Faith, grace, Prayer, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

I must have tucked the words away, the ones shared by David Kanigan about writing and reluctance and for me, waiting to see if others may approve or even just read.

It was wisdom for me, a jewel: Permission to just write without measure of success

I let it linger, mingle with lyrics and truths until it commingled in a good way to make me pray.

I wrote out a prayer last night, cause you know, writing for me, makes it more likely to stick:

God, guide me so that my writing honors you only.

Help me to help others have hope. May my only desire be to please you.

me

Then I wound up again, in the beginning of my Bible and I remembered when Moses told God he absolutely was incapable and God said, let me show you.


Lots of ways to pray it, say it…the prayer for me, the uncertain creative.

Lord, open doors you want opened or Lord,

equip me to glorify you, not me

or you might pray,

God, help me to get me out of your way so that you can have your way or

equip me to write, to paint, to live in a way that brings you honor,

not me

not notice or concern or praise or

sometimes pity because

my words ring too true.

Because of mercy, in Jesus Name,

Amen.

 

Vulnerable, Uncovered 

bravery, courage, Faith, family, grace, marriage, Prayer, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

img_8021

Only just a few minutes filled up the space of the time the storm moved in and I went outside to notice the sky and then a little more space between us sitting by the pool.

We talked of God and Eden and things we keep covered or rip off the cover, I thought, exposing what we feel must be better, must be ours to know now.  I’d walked outside after the storm had shaken all the windows, my husband walked in the room and announced, “Well, that was some show.” Paused and then to make sure I noticed added “I probably shouldn’t have been standing out in it”.

I listen, knowing he’s talking about the lightning; but, he does this thing lately, like a conversation starter game.  If I hadn’t said, “You mean the lightning?” He’d have come back with “Don’t you wanna know about the show?”

And I would have listened as he told me something I already knew.  Such is the play of who we are now, husband and wife aging, grace and more grace. (Smile.)

I walked out front to see the sky. One big chunk to the left, clearing with a puff in plump peach colored sun popping through enormous cloud.

I turned to face the road and wide bands of dark cobalt stretch out to border the horizon with more clouds warning,  it’s storming over there.

Stood there for a while and wondered how it’s possible to see the sky and not believe.

“O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭8:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Why the sky and its display of power and authority in itself is not enough to make us sure of God.

Why we don’t stay sure for as long as we should when we get to see such glory when we go looking for it, notice it’s God.

“When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭8:3-4‬ ‭ESV

The night, too beautiful to be ignored, I walked out back to sit, turned back to see the view and the moon had broken through, full.

I tried to capture it; but, realized I can never do justice, so just gazed instead.

Still thinking about God.

When my husband came out to join me, I asked “Don’t you think it’s amazing how we get to experience earth’s beauty even though creation was not exactly as God planned in Eden?”

He replied, “Do you think we’d all be walking around naked, if Eve hadn’t messed up?”

And since I didn’t answer, he went on to wonder what I thought and said “We would all just be walking around naked and nobody would care about being naked…wouldn’t bother you at all.”

“I guess so.” I replied. Such is the dialogue between us, I’m thinking majesty and beauty, he’s thinking freedom and unclothed bodies. (Smile.)

I thought about Eve later, Adam too.  I reread the account of creation, reminded myself of the earth and sky’s forming, imagined God stepping back like I step back from a canvas, satisfied and thinking it turned out the way I wanted.

And God saw that it was good.

Genesis 1:26

 Adam was created, then Eve and the plan was complete, they’d multiply. The earth would be filled with men, women, children and families.

God welcomed them in, gave instruction on living and left them with a final word not to eat from the tree called knowledge, the tree that distinguished good from evil.

And they didn’t for a while. They must have enjoyed the garden; been content in their state, knowing all they needed was already known.

I wonder about this time in between, how contented changed to discontented and sufficiency became insufficient, how enough became never, always more.

Eve succumbs to the need for more knowledge, more control, more knowing and she eats the fruit that will help her know all, she’s been told.

The serpent’s rationale, well God must have surely known you’d want to eat from the tree or else he’d not have put it here. He wants you to be wise…your eyes will be opened to the bigger the better, the all, you’ll be like Him, the all-knowing.

Then they did their best to hide from God; they’d both become ashamed and they covered what God had intended as beautiful, uncovered.

So began the lots of our lives here on earth.

Wanting to know more than we need to know and then hiding away when we’ve rushed to know it all, certain that we can’t be expected to not know, to trust the one who made us, surely it’s okay to take control.

Yesterday, I read a favorite verse, clinging to just a few of its words.

The secret things belong to the Lord.

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.”

‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭29:29‬ ‭ESV‬‬

There are some things that I might never know, that aren’t meant for me to uncover.

Yet, there are so many more I’ve waited to understand that I now see clearly.

Why the road led me to Carolina, my father’s instructions to return to college, the  plans I forced that fell through my fingertips and the healing that I prayed for, believing, but was not given my mama.

There are stories for my children, how things that didn’t turn out, did after all.

Adam and Eve tried to conceal themselves, told God, you can’t see us like this. We know you’ll be angry, we’re afraid so we’ve covered ourselves.

And He was disappointed.

Disappointed they didn’t believe his promise for them, that it wasn’t enough.

He called them out of hiding, asked if they ate from the tree, did someone tell you that you were naked or do you know things now you should not have known, things that weren’t necessary for you to understand?

You will see, some things are too wonderful to be known, to not be sought after, to not be taken hold of by force.

I think of David and his prayer to be restored to the joy of his salvation after giving in to lust and then trying to cover it all up.

I remember Rebekah, the mother who made it her calling to have one son favored over the other, their demise, her legacy.

And I treasure the story of Job. I see him abandoned and grieving, his body covered in sores and his commitment not to question. His friends, his wife all unable to wait alongside him when he’d said no to cursing God and dying.

I hold close his truth, my truth, all our truths…some things are simply too wonderful to know.

“’Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭42:3‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I told someone just now, the major planner that they are, looking far ahead into our futures and the things they expect just makes now look less than enough.

Makes the grand of now go unnoticed.

 

Told them, there’s no way to know that this good thing we expect will come for us. I’m not looking that far ahead nor am I assuming what the wonder of tomorrow will be or not be.

These are the things too wonderful for me to know, not mine to uncover.

Only mine to ponder, to have make more sense when the thoughts become words and I get to spread them out here or in the pages of a tiny pencil marked book, I get to be vulnerable, uncovered. (Smile.)

I’m linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee to Tell His Story.  Read here about why we shouldn’t be afraid to take scary chances.

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/scared-heres-shouldnt-take-chicken-exit/

Freedom and Light

bravery, courage, Faith, family, grace, Prayer, rest, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

I woke with no set agenda and allowed myself the luxury of slowly becoming wide awake. 

I’m thinking a new thing today, I keep singin’ “Free your mind and the rest will follow…”

Because, yesterday a change began to be considered. I’d taken a step, asked for feedback, been honest over my angst. 

Been brave about my being afraid. 

I’m remembering this morning, the power of changes I can make, the power of asking God to help me; but, me being able to move towards the bend in the road. 

Ever the one seeking approval, yearning for affirmation, I had become overwhelmed by advisors, critical thinkers, step takers and this is how, let me show you contacts! 

I told the consultant I was overwhelmed by measuring up, by following recommendations and by being good enough in the eyes of others. 

I took a step. I discerned who to believe. Made perfect sense, she knew a little of me, why not show her more? 

I was honest. She listened and responded with a tangible and godly plan: 

i) Has become a little overwhelmed by the whole process of writing and the whole process(1) Too many voices clamoring into her head.
(2) A lot of peer pressure
(a) A lot of other good writers out there
(3) SUGGESTION: Turn off the other voices (unsubscribe, choose not to engage in self-imposed expectations) and just write the manuscript.
ii) Doubting God’s will
(1) Does not want to glorify herself
(2) Does not want to shed light on the trauma
(a) There are some dark times she had forgotten
(b) Does not want to bash
(c) Does not want to remind her family of the hurt
iii) SUGGESTION: Just Write. Do not let the fear of saying too much keep you from writing. Everything can be edited.

So, this morning I stopped counting at 30, the choice to unsubscribe to all of my advisors on writing. I’ve honed it down to five. 

I’ll follow the advice of Stephanie Haynes 

http://www.stephaniehaynes.net/
(oh, I believe it’s a God thing, her name, her frame, her role) and I’ll become independent in my writing. I’ll not hold back. I’ll pour out my heart with the goal of rough draft by July of 2018. 

I reminded myself today of the meaning of independence, of freedom; but, most fitting, I believe is autonomy: the freedom from external control. 



This is where I am this morning, I’m shutting out the voices of too many well meaning and informed advisors and I’m making room to hear my own voice more clearly, more freely, more unafraid. 

More ready to shine my light unhindered by comparison or critique. 

“”You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:14-16‬ ‭ESV‬‬