Teaching

Spaces We Get Stronger

bravery, Children, courage, Faith, family, grace, Motherhood, praise, Teaching, Trust, Vulnerability, wonder

I remember the time before.

I walked, hurriedly to the massive concrete place.

It was early morning, my face was taut from determination, my eyes were worn from the hours of awake, waiting, watching.

How could I be expected to find it, I realize now, many years later. It was a hard day.

I’m no longer that hard on myself.

I walked, already lost and entered every lane. I chose different levels. White, black, grey, red tail lights barely standing out in the black place filled with cars. Occasional glints of shiny color distracting my search, the sun coming up and in gradually.

I had a full meltdown.

The patient waiting without me at the corner of the hospital, the nurse maybe wondering what happened to her mama and my girl most likely sure her mama must be lost.

I lost my car. I stood with the truth of my disaster and accepted what I knew must be true. It’s not here, somehow, someone has taken it.

My daughter waiting, I believe realized I’d “lost it this time” and we’d not discuss it at all.

Same as there’d be no need or time to talk of “what if, what next, what now or why?”

A hospitalization after a procedure that was not a success and she, we go from exam table in pretty Dr.’s room to hospital bed to spend New Year’s Eve.

We were released and my mind, emotionally overloaded could not remember the space among hundreds of cars from two days before on the morning we got to go home.

The morning the sunrise came in through the openings in the hard place up high, I came to terms with what I might not be able to fix or find.

I found it eventually and made it down to load my girl in the car, her almost adult frame and baby face, understanding how I’d fallen apart and stayed away so long, struggling a real struggle in the parking garage while she waited in a wheelchair below.

She loved me anyway. Didn’t say so then but does everyday now.

So, this time I wasn’t gonna lose my mind and my car. Fatigued for a different reason, sleep deprived and uncertain of how I might be.

We were early, but had to park on the very top, the place that feels oddly special with open sky above, a slightly risky feeling.

I opened the door, grabbed my purse and prepared to walk with my boy into the place he’d be flying away for three months.

Stopped for a second, he slightly ahead on his way. I looked down at the marking on the space. “L” it said, okay I told myself, “L like Lisa, I’m good.”

Then, just to be certain, uncertain of my state upon coming back alone, I quickly got my phone from the pocket of my bag and I took a picture of the place I’d be coming back to.

Because, I remembered and I’m not at all embarrassed now over losing my car before.

The mama mind is naturally consumed sometimes and directionally challenged because of the strong and hard pull of the heart. Times when the baby bird is in need of healing to be better at flying and times when the bird is learning to fly.

Surely, mama bird might struggle in her return to the nest.

I’m certain she does.

Perhaps, they mark it with a bright stem or string, wanting to be confident of where they left off.

And I wonder now, if ever, just for the sake of mama memory, if the mama bird flies back to rest a bit in the place she let them go.

Maybe just for the sake of remembering how strong she made their wings.

No Angel

bravery, courage, Faith, family, grace, praise, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Serving, Teaching, Vulnerability

This morning, I am writing on the Five Minute Friday prompt of “support” and my mind goes the way of thinking of work, of funding we lost to support the homeless.

But, I don’t linger there, my mind goes to the place that keeps me humbled, keeps my heart aligned with work, a place where love comes in.

Here goes.

I get a random text from her. She wants to check on me, wants me to know she loves me.

I respond “I love you too, do you need anything and then backspace the question, tell her I am stopping by with food.”

Our system’s flawed on this one if you ask me. No benefits for one who can’t work because of mistakes made years ago.

So, we’ve been helping, we check on her.

A former resident of our shelter called “Nurture Home”.

I pulled in with bags of staples and milk and eggs. I noticed the window broken out in her back seat. My periphery takes in the neighbors and I am aware of loud music from the adjoining duplex.

I knock and she opens the heavy door.

She smiles. We hug long.

And I’m happy to see her home, the place we’re helping her with.

I notice the bedroom wall. I stare long at one framed photograph, left alone in her bedroom for a bit.

A photo of her cradling her son and smiling a heavenly smile.

I’m sad knowing her longing to know him now, the photo of them hanging above her bed, close.

She texted me later, called me “her angel”.

I replied, “I’m no angel. I assure you.”

This extra stuff beyond programmatic interventions some call “support” or “aftercare”.

She calls it love. I see it as grace and perspective.

A reminder of my periphery, my purpose, of the opportunity to notice His nearness.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:17-18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Getting Real

bravery, Children, courage, Faith, family, grace, mercy, Prayer, rest, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized

It’s a dim morning. Plans are being made and preparations began will be followed through.

My sister is breathing easy on the couch and I’m aware of the storm.

I sit, quietly.

I sometimes call them “epiphany” because I love the way it sounds.

To be in a quiet place and bit by bit by bit, it happens.

The change in way of seeing.

The slipping up on me of coming to a conclusion on my own.

Things wise or quick to correct people may have said, either as encouragement or a gentle chastise…

You must stop perceiving in this way.

This is not the way you should view life and its gift, its lessons, its living.

Somewhere today in my scanning devotion, Irma, weather and whatever I accepted a truth.

“Your value, Lisa… as you are now and as God sees in His plans for you are worth so much more than any past wrong doing or decision.”

The winds are causing trees to bend and the rain is sideways sheets.

I sit in the waiting room of a doctor who worked us in early, my son is wearing his college hoodie, caught the eye of the physician, an alum.

Small talk, talk only Citadel men understand.

I sit back. I’ve suggested what he say to the doctor who will be preparing him medically for international travel.

I remember my epiphany before the one most recent, God loves him greatly.

Unfathomable, but true.

God loves him more.

Jesus talked with his disciples, prepared them for their going on without him.

“All this I have told you so that you will not fall away.”

‭‭John‬ ‭16:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Stay strong, all will be well.

Recall what you’ve been told, what you know.

What you’ve seen me do for you and for you to believe by seeing.

And though they slept in the garden, he prayed, he prepared their way ahead.

There are new places my son’s feet will travel. There are new lessons to learn, new experiences to experience and encounters to encounter.

He will grow, I’ve prayed through the nights and more to come.

With God’s help, I’ve done my part.

Prepared his way.

#lethimfly

Work and Life

Children, Faith, family, grace, Motherhood, rest, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

I’m not working today, at least in not my paid position.

I’ll be welcoming travelers, refugees from the big storm, Irma.

I’ve planned it out, started last night.

The guest room comforter all fresh and clean, the bed the Labrador loves will need to be shared.

But, as soon as I’m done here in this morning spot, there will be more work done.

My sister and her family are evacuating here. My home is humble, but it will welcome them. My sweet, wise cousin said she wants to be with me because my house feels like Faith.

I really loved that thought.

So, in just a few, I’ll change from pajamas to work clothes and get going as planned, committed to finish by noon.

My prayer, the prayer of the quiet one, not so great at all things hospitable:

Lord, I pray you prepare my heart and from my heart flows nothing but love without reservation or expectation.

I meet needs everyday, or if I’m honest I just oversee the meeting of them. This is my job. Today, my work will be “home” work and opportunity to meet the need of family.

Giving, not receiving, the example of Jesus.

“And I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”

‭‭Acts of the Apostles‬ ‭20:35‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Then, the mental list becomes to do:

Change linens

Vacuum sofas

Vacuum house (oh, the shedding of the Labrador!!!)

Clean bathrooms

Dust

Move dead plants from the pool

My house is humble with places of my heart all over it.

It is. I long for better sometimes, but then I work to be happy with my best.

Committed to my plan, I begin to prepare my place.

A refuge from storm, I pray, today.

And I do believe at the end of the day or in the midst of a storm, if my humble house is clean most anything is just a tiny bit better.

Linking up to write on the prompt of “work”.

http://fiveminutefriday.com/2017/09/07/five-minute-friday-link-up-work/

Resting Again

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, heaven, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Tonight, I’m resting. Kinda had to after getting knocked down by out of nowhere, can barely move yucky sick.

So, I rested in bed, then rested in the country, couch, bed, couch and again, back home to bed.

Resting still. No idea where it came from, knocked me down, a phantom illness.

My cousin says the sky is bigger in the country. She believes it. I believe it.

Others don’t understand. I wonder though, why it is that I’m almost immediately able to breathe with more ease

When I’m surrounded by sky?

Friday, I was not well. Made it to work and left after an hour, barely able to drive.

I’d been noticing my health, eating right, proud of my progress, even saying prayers of thanks for my health.

But, I’d been pushing it mentally, sleep deprived and stressed over work worries and other unforeseen imagined things that might happen.

I didn’t think I’d been quite so stressed til I woke up and my body made me slow down. I even dreamed of being sick, of a crisis at work, of some other worry, can’t recall.

Friday was rough, but, I kept on moving… you’ll be better, just keep pushing.

So, I made my way to the country at sunset to dog sit. I just had to get there, that’s all, I said, won’t feel any better or worse there.

I sat on the porch under the chimes and the sky changed colors while the dogs got reacquainted.

Slept not well, dogs watching guard and this strange unwavering fatigue, I tossed all night. I suppose around 3:00 the dogs gave out and one plopped by the back door while the other climbed in bed.

Woke, missing sunrise, but thinking coffee and made my way to the kitchen in the big old house. Drank a sip, fell back into the covers and how I could sleep more, I have no idea. But, I dozed.

Woke again. Hopeful for feeling better.

Just a little, I did.

I warmed my coffee and found a cool breeze. Forgot my journal, so I just sat and felt the cool air on my face and slowly, slowly, careful for nausea not to return, I relaxed.

And I began to realize I’d been rushing ahead, feeling like a godly rush of what I’d decided a fervor, but a total disregard for where I might be headed.

I read a chapter from “She’s Still There” a book written by Chrystal Evans Hurst, a preacher’s daughter who got way off track…she talks about our “drifts” from the path we should be on, the path God has for us.

The way we get pulled off track and if aren’t careful might not notice and have to be shown.

This morning her words rang true because I believe I’d forgotten to notice how my striving was wearing me out, my soul had become weary and my body finally caught up.

Pay attention to the beauty of your soul and the pulse of your existence. Chrystal Evans Hurst

So, I rested all day and am now still.

I stopped in my tracks about 36 hours ago. My feet could barely carry my weight, my voice was hushed and raspy, my heart pounding as I lie in bed waiting for wave of illness to pass.

And I prayed it would pass quickly.

But, it hasn’t completely.

Not yet.

I’m resting still, about to sleep some more and I have lots to do tomorrow, so I pray I wake all fresh and new.

But, if I don’t I’ll know I’m not ready.

I’ll know I need more time, more time to let my heart beat more softly and my soul be more certain. I’ll understand more clearly why I got hit like a freight train when I didn’t have the sense to watch for the collision.

The verse I call my life verse is soft and sure. It’s about being quietly confident.

But, you might never have read the verse that follows. It’s something we do sometimes, find a pretty promise or an assurance of grace and we don’t notice the other part, the words that cause conviction, the words that teach us hard lessons much needed.

Isaiah 30 is about a rebellious people, people running from a life of following God, maybe people growing weary, perhaps distracting themselves with effort but no faith…so they became disenchanted, left their quiet confidence and fled.

“This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. But you would have none of it. You said, ‘No, we will get our help from Egypt. They will give us swift horses for riding into battle.’ But the only swiftness you are going to see is the swiftness of your enemies chasing you!”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭30:15-16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I’ve been rushing maybe. I’m the only who’d know, not an outward rush, an internal constant chastisement of self over not enough, pressure to be more and to feel more content while doing it.

Nothing good comes by force. Nor from running away on the swift horse named regret for what hasn’t been yet.

I found grace this weekend again. I remembered God longs to be gracious to me and in the wide open space of the place I call “Pretty Place”

I had no more fight, no fervor, and I found my pace, the pace of grace.

No demand other than rest and I surrendered to my body and soul fatigue to find Him there waiting for me to rest again.

“So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭30:18‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Again, I rest.

Grace, I Pause

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, praise, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

This morning the tiny icon shaped like a bell said, “Congratulations, it’s your anniversary. You’ve been blogging four years!”

Oh my! I don’t dare read the first year or so, convinced I’ve made no progress or worse yet, I’m in the same old place.

The timing of the announcement collided head on with seven or so paragraphs in draft where I’d once again belabor the significant or insignificant challenge that battled back and to.

Got a little taste of accolade occasionally and I found myself hungry, starving for me, miserably full, filled.

Full of myself.

So, that piece, it’s staying in the draft for now, hopefully forever, while I come to terms with the reality of this space I write, what it’s been, what it should be becoming.

I came home tonight on wet roads and under little pockets of orange behind thickness of dark clouds.

This morning the Rose of Sharon plant towering late summer, brought me back to a place I’d been missing, the pause.

I was intentional, opening myself to the beauty that should fill me again, not striving to see; instead, finding what might come in the pause.

The place where I remembered not to seek, instead waiting to have little thoughts come to mind with no expectation, only patience.

Like falling from above, landing ’round my feet, scooped up and brought to my chest, allowed to rest near my heart.

I’d gotten away from simplicity, I’d been sipping the juice of significance and I was thirsty, so desperately thirsty for more.

My longing for notice becoming impossible to quench.

I wondered what is this blogging I do if nothing more than a pink diary and your sister found the key?

I considered the way I’ve reacted to a tiny bit of glory.

Paintings selling, guest posts and strangers saying they hope I never quit writing.

Too much, Lisa.

Having a taste of it made me strive to be filled and in that scrounging for another little morsel of praise, I lost my voice, the thing I call treasure. I’d made joy ugly effort; I’d pressured myself to be measured by most everything other than my worth decided already by my Heavenly Father.

Too much Lisa

So, I sat.

I thought, I slept and prayed. I stumbled upon truths and began to believe in what I’d decided a “treasure” again.

Stepped back and away to come back not better, not broken, or made hard from shame.

Instead, softer like glow, welcome home.

I pray I learn to write this way, a soft but, still brave way…that I not spill my angst all over the page, contradictory to my declared quiet confidence.

I pray I wait.

Wait to be filled, my heart bursting with longing to tell, so that my writing be so graceful and grace-filled it will be quite clear it’s only grace

Grace that’s brought me thus far.

And there will be a reader or two or three who might have heard of grace ad nauseam; but, maybe might all of sudden wonder…

Could grace be for me? Could the grace that found Lisa Anne find me too?

That will be glory, that will be glory to God.

To know my words cause wonder, cause another to wonder…What is this mercy? Who is this Jesus?

Perhaps, I should know.

This is how I shall write I pray, not tripping over self into the abyss of bottomless searching for significance, for notice.

Satisfied in the place of pause, abandoned and found again in the place I remember to whom goes the glory.

From whom I’ve become acquainted with the knowledge of grace.

“May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.”

‭‭2 Peter‬ ‭1:2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Where I’m Going

bravery, courage, Faith, family, grace, grief, heaven, mercy, Prayer, rest, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

“And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb.”

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭21:23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Out of the blue,

Sleepy from the weekend, falling into half slumber and

I couldn’t stop thinking of her,

my cousin who died too soon.

It’s not that her birthday’s this month.

Nor my lack of recall of where I was in my life when she left or why I on earth I couldn’t remember.

Well, yeah it was that for a bit. So much that I googled her pretty name and began to remember again, sort of.

Then right away turned to thoughts of her life lived wide open and how I might feel to see her there.

Waking this morning, thinkin’ about the way I’m walking now and where I’m going.

My “In Touch” devotion today tells me I’ll know I’m growing in the measure of my spiritual walk by 3 things:

A deeper hunger for Jesus,

a sharper discernment of my sin,

my sphere of loving others without reservation will enlarge.

These are true, not as inconsistent.

But,  there’s a 4th.

I’ve become more captivated by the promise of heaven.

Before, I think sometimes I thought of heaven vaguely,

a distant place of maybe.

All the good and hopeful things to come here on earth sometimes blurring my vision of the unimaginable greatness there.

So, my prayer Lord, thank you for the grace here on earth that astounds me,

literally astounds me

over the ways you’ve poured your love over and around me through most everything I know.

Thank you God, for the certainty of heaven!

 

 

Today, a Good Day

bravery, courage, Faith, grace, mercy, Prayer, rest, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Today, someone stopped by and assured me she’s doing every day what I told her to do.

Just take the next step, look for something good every day.

“That’s why I keep doing it because you said so.”

Another friend suggested I begin to place value on my art, described me as emerging.

What a hopeful word.

Still another commented, “It’s good your children have you as their mother, so in tune with them”

She was genuine, her words spilling over. I held them close to my chest, still am.

I saw a high school friend of my daughter’s, her face beaming beauty, and answered when asked about my girl “She’s the same as you, so in love, it’s evident” and she smiled a smile I know her mama loves to see like me.

My age was disputed by a happy young woman at the grocery checkout, no way you could qualify for the senior discount.

I walked today, music in my ears, swiftly and with a passion.

Not pressing, pushing, I’m so much stronger now.

Back again to the place of being amazed by the sky and the places where the clouds hang majestic until I turn my corner home to notice the going down pale pink in the pines, end of day.

I’d not forgotten the good, had just not remembered the joy in keeping account of the day.

Until she stopped by to see me and we both remembered.

“I’m praying God brings something good to you today, so good, impossible not to notice.”

“For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

It was good, today a good day.

View from Above

bravery, courage, Faith, Prayer, Redemption, rest, Salvation, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

Less than a few days ago, I read about the meaning of the times that wake us up from sleep. The 3:00 a.m to 4:00 or 5 is symbolic of a word, a message, a spiritual point needing our attention.

God is speaking, His view, from above.

This morning I dreamt of a deep and grey, muddy ocean, the water becoming wider and the shore, a distant angle I couldn’t decide how I’d reach, why it continued to grow more narrow.

I stood searching, one side and the other, the space before me and all around and I wondered might I finally drown.

Instead, I began to swim.

I rose up heavy because of Saturday morning and prayed bedside;

“God, help me pay attention today.”

Because like Samuel as a child, I question whether it’s you.

“So he said to Samuel, “Go and lie down again, and if someone calls again, say, ‘Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.”

‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭3:9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

My morning dream, a deep ocean, an elusive shore, deciding to swim.

Linking up with other writers prompted by the word “Speak”