A Handful of Quiet

courage, Faith, grace, praise, Prayer, Salvation, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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A room filled with women, we arrived and found our table. Five women can live at our homeless shelter at any given time. We’re always full, their stories always different.

One’s had a really tough stretch of days and she rode with me.

I told her on the way over about the way I sometimes write the word “trust” on my palm. I open my hand to look at it and remember or sometimes close my fingers in towards my palm, letting my thumb lie against the place I know the word rests.

She smiled and I drove, running late as usual.

When she realized we were going to the country club for dinner, she said,”Oh, we’re going to be at the country club?!”

I answered, “Yes.” and a added a little “whoop whoop hand in the air shoulder shake”

It’s my signature move. My daughter has built a whole “Snap” story around me.

She added, laughing out loud, ” Raise the roof, Miss  Lisa!”

And then, her eyes glossy, “I laughed. This is the first time I’ve laughed this week.”

We all sat together. The women who live in our shelter, myself and another employee.

When grace was said, I opened my hands on my lap and listened.

Softly and unexpectedly,she put her hand in mine and I covered our hands together as we prayed.

The warmth of her hand was indescribable.

The thought of it still now as warm.

I spoke about our program, remembering little of what I said except “Their stories become my story. It’s only the grace of God that has kept me from the same hardship.” Because I always say that, always.

Some of the women in the fancy dining room listened, really understood. Most likely only some were brave enough to try and understand if I’m honest.

Let’s be honest, many were thinking…Well, I’d never get myself in such a mess like that.

The room was filled with wealthy women and towards the end of the night, one in particular clearly shunned me.

I felt it.

I have experience with this feeling.

I woke up remembering it and almost let it linger; but, remembered more clearly her beautiful hand in mine.

How could I minimize the beauty of the one hand by sulking over the other?

Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and chasing after the wind. Ecclesiastes 4:5

So, I prayed, “Lord thank you that my life has been less than perfect. That I’ve not had the perfect dress for every function. Lord, thank you that you’ve placed me in places that I get to hold the hands of others. Thank you, Lord that she reached for my hand, knowing I’d reach back. Thank you for reminding me to stop chasing the approval of others.

Linking up for Five Minute Friday although, I always feel certain I go over. I’m not so great rule follower at all. 🙂

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Believing Afraid

courage, Faith, praise, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

image.jpegLast night, this thought just sashayed through my mind. Popped up, hung around and I thought, yes, this feels like truth.

Feels like revelation.

I thought, go write it down; but, didn’t for whatever reason. Friday night, long week why must I always think so much anyway?

Then woke and remembered and it was still just as good, just as huge and real.

Thought again of heaven, of first impressions and of impressions I may have made.

I could see it new and different after years of not quite enough, not seamlessly believing without doubt or living without faltering.

I could see that it was good, would be okay.

I imagined standing there before God and him caring less about my fumbling and more about my feeble yet persistent pursuit. I heard him say…

I saw you learning to be loved, learning to believe. It was beautiful to see how those around you saw me through you.

I saw you being afraid, too. I saw the times you let your fears suffocate your belief and so you stumbled and you had some failures in your faith and in some things you let go your pursuit.

But, don’t be troubled. I’m not disappointed.

I saw you, saw you believing more everyday. I saw the times your heart’s rhythm was at ease or was joyous. I saw you, when you believed and your soul thrilled in its place of peace. I saw the blue of your eyes, clearly opened anew and the curve of your quiet lip in a humble smile.

I saw you.

Believing, afraid.

I made a new list, a letter to self. One side, what I believe, the other what I’m afraid of.

Then sat and colored in my Bible in the place where John recorded Jesus’ time on earth, the place where disputes over believing in Him and His outlandish love, healing, and behavior were deemed inappropriate.

They were afraid to believe, I guess.

Aren’t we all, until he reminds us?

Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40

 

 

 

Healed

Faith, grace, praise, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized

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She walked in slowly, not yet feeling welcome.

I’ve known her almost a year now and yet, she has a ways to go in not being afraid or unworthy.

We worked together on a matter of crisis she might not have been able to handle.

We talked about her worth. She was surprised when I listed her qualities, when I questioned whether she agreed; maybe more surprised by how strongly I insisted on her worthiness.

She broke her leg last year. We had to move her to the downstairs room of our shelter. It was a tough time.

She said to me out of the blue, in the middle of our meeting, “I can’t believe my leg doesn’t even hurt. I can’t believe that broken bone got healed.”

We both smiled.

A friend stopped by on Tuesday to talk about our programs collaborating more. We decided on a new initiative to prioritize a mother’s thinking, giving value and purpose to their lives, the gift of their child.

We prayed together; she first, then me.

I thanked God for her and the time she prayed for me, in agreement with me and the falling apart time she got me through.

I heard her sigh and felt the emotion of her surprise, my mentioning her to God.

It was raw, almost touchable, as if she felt God’s hearing of my voice.

Because in that moment, the thing we didn’t discuss, my healing, was real and she’d been a part of it.

The broken place was healed finally.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of grace who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. I Peter 5:10

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five minute friday :: heal

 

To Know Him

Faith, grace, praise, Salvation, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

imageI wonder if the skies were prepared to welcome him.

If the darkness of His death night was illuminated as magnificently as his birth night.

If the hierarchy of officials wept in regret over succumbing to the crowds who protested their decision, their desire.

Herod and Pilate, both longing to know this man, to experience his healing, longing just to meet him.  Maybe even excited to know that things could be different.

They must both have been longing for more than just existing, controlling, surviving.

Aren’t we all?

They had heard of  his power and love. But, embrace His love, abandon their power?

They caved to the maddening cries of those all around, the seekers of gore, of violence, of death, of spectacle.

I missed this part in the story until today

or perhaps, my heart’s more receptive or longing to be reminded.

When Herod saw Jesus, he was very glad, for he had long desired to see Him, because he had heard about Him…Look, nothing deserving of death has been done by Him. Luke 23:8, 15

I’m fascinated by Jesus.

I’m enthralled by the nuances of His life.

Life sacrificed for me, for them.

But, they demanded with loud cries that he should be crucified. And their voices prevailed. Luke 22:23

I believe the stars were magnificent that night, gave a new clarity, a regretful longing to wish they’d known him more.

Oh, for grace to trust Him more.

To know Him more.

Jesus, Jesus

How I trust Him.

 

 

 

Love and Prayer

Faith, grace, praise, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

 

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…one of his disciples said, “Lord teach us to pray.” Luke 11:1

And he answered them.

If there are things people might know me by, have to come to mind when my name is mentioned,

May it be that I pray and that I love.

That love may not only show in acts; but my eyes reflect the softness of accepting another…as they are.

And may my prayers be quietly powerful, repelling all harsh or hard things, wrapping others in the beautiful paradox of God’s gentle strength.

More than my paintings, expressive words, talks in fancy settings or boastful sharings of the gifts of my children and family.

Not some big to-do, just lots and lots of little “do’s” done with love. Constant and confident recollections of God hearing my prayer and coming near, of His demonstrative love towards us all.

Love and prayer, prayer and love. Content in this place of solitude, this pursuit of discipleship,

I pray I be.

 

Saturday, opening slowly

courage, Faith, grace, praise, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

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My husband opens the cabinet, “Oh, we have bread!” like it’s the greatest joy on earth.

I’ve cooked us breakfast. Simple.

Bacon, scrambled eggs with a touch of heavy cream and sharp cheddar.

He contemplates the fig preserves. The jar lid sealed with the sticky juice of fruit, gritty as the lid is turned to open, figs sugary and rich line the sides.

“Should these be still good?” He asks.

“I’ve been eating them, but there’s a new jar of blueberry in the cabinet.”

So, he opens it up. “Man, there’s a lot of blueberries in here.”

He tells me three times. Fresh bread in the cabinet and blueberry preserves like his grandma’s, these things  have set the course his day.

I woke later than usual. My day is open.

I have seven or so blank canvases and thoughts I need  to pull together into sentences, paragraphs; perhaps, a chapter.

My prayer, bedside, before I made the breakfast with fresh  bread and blueberries…

Lord, thank you for this day. For chances to decide how to fill my day. Make me more open to seeing the me you see.

I give you my day and I’ll remember to remember that this day, this life is from you and for you. Because of mercy, Amen.

The mere thought that God wants to make me holy, sees the potential in me to be holy.

Sees the possibility of his idea of me, his plan for me lining up close together!

The truth of this astounds me.

Me, unworthy. He, unrelenting.

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I read from Jeremiah and I think then, “What are the plans for me Lord, the ones you call declarations?”

Almost noon now, I decide to taste the blueberries, so I have some toast.

I’m content in the day’s slow unfolding.

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 Blueberry preserves from a pretty jar, buttery toast and the chance to listen, to know even just a little more clearly, God’s plans for me.

Savannah Girl

courage, Faith, grace, praise, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

She’s in the front yard, sweet potato lime green vines wrapping up around her arm. Her face looks a little like mine, the bob haircut, crooked bangs. She’s my reminder to trust , to be quiet, to wait with open hands.

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But, change is good like a settling in of something hard you been holding.You cant say when but,  you let it go. You let it go, you breathe…I’m better now.

Changing my blog, making it look less afraid, less uncertain.

More art, more boldness, more focus.

Like me.

Feels like I’m changing.

Trusting.

 Settling into believing new things and

Colors of my Bible.

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

Isaiah 43:19

 

Lifted up

Children, courage, Faith, grace, Motherhood, praise, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized

At 7:11 on August 11th, I’ve overslept.

Lingered on crisp cool sheets too long, praying before rising.

Lord, let my words be love, fix what needs to be fixed  draw me near, keep me near so that others draw nearer too.

Feeling  56, I stumble towards coffee, look at my phone and see my cousin’s text:

“I know you prayed for me regarding my career. Just wanted you to know that God answered. I love you and hope this is the happiest birthday yet. Thank you for your prayers.” Lara

I replied to her and  myself really…

I love you. This is amazing! Prayers take longer than we like but are answered in Gods way. I needed to remember that this morning!!!!!
You deserve this. Love you.

Then went about my day, ending with a birthday cake colored sky and my prayer, the one I longed for most in the smiles of my children, it was answered.

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I’ll look up today and everyday. I’ll lift my eyes to the one who sees me, hears me, knows me.

Knees down, face up, hands and heart open and waiting.

Linking up with http://katemotaung.com/2016/08/11/five-minute-friday-lift/

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The world, to me

courage, Faith, grace, praise, Prayer, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability
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Feathers, flowers, baby pine cones and birds…little is much.

It would mean the world to me to stay in this place. The sweetly surrendered time that brings me pause

Causing my eyes to burn warm with the sensation of blessed assurance.

The time, not searching, unhurried, not anxious, the time that I pause inviting God’s reply.

The moment, seconds only really when I pause and it comes, His voice, in a clear and gentle rush of real…

You are good.

You are pursuing me, continue.

I see you getting closer. I see your grasp holding more tightly now,

my desires for you.

I see you choosing to rest, not fix.

I hear your voice, notice your words, your thoughts.

I see you choosing love and mercy over authority and demand.

I see you, righteous and strong; beginning to wear your robe of assurance now.

Your days of feeling unfit to wear the garment of my love are fading.

I see you, beginning to wear it well, beginning to lovingly smooth its sleeves and collar as you wait, peacefully,  prayerfully before speaking or acting.

Your days of self-righteous rushing ahead are necessary no more.

You anticipate troubles, expect hardship; in this world, there is much over which to worry.

But, you know trust. You’ve chosen to be wise and humble, forgiving and meek.

And though I’ve promised you’d inherit the earth, it’s good to see you content in the smallest of its things, to see you beginning, finally to  believe

You are blessed.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

Linking up with Holley Gerth and Jennifer Dukes Lee

http://holleygerth.com/

http://jenniferdukeslee.com/happiness-dare-pre-orders-gifts/

Morning Love and a Prayer to abide

courage, Faith, praise, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, wonder

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Lord, help me live in a way that my actions,my thoughts and my words can’t help but show how strongly you love.

And help me to be so trusting in my walk and so firm in my faith that no doubt or fear will hinder or make questionable my belief in You.

Remind me of the place of your dwelling, my heart, so that the ramblings of my mind not overshadow the Spirit of you, the Holy Spirit in me because of Jesus and mercy and grace, unmerited…unmerited.
Guide me to find you again and again and to remain there, that a place of abiding in you.

Lead my fingers to the words of ancient truth, truer today than I’ve known before.

Do not love the world.

Love God. Love your brother.

Abide in light.
I John 2:7-17

In the name of and because of Jesus, I pray.

Amen