Christmas Trees and Home

courage, grace, praise, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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I thought yesterday, what I’d do if I lived in the city where they say trees are going for hundreds of dollars this year.

I passed by the little lot on the corner that always has trees and wondered if I’d choose to do without if a tree for Christmas cost a couple hundred.

I would, I thought…I hoped, do without.

The church where I’ve always bought my tree didn’t sell them this year.  I got my tiny tree at the grocery store, both of my children with me;  so excited, I plopped my “baby tree” in the back of my car on that Saturday we spent together.

It was $29.  I found an old basket and sat it on my favorite old blue-bird blue chair, made a star by tying two ornaments together with twine and it’s just sweet and simple.

I love it.

I pulled another tree from the attic; I can’t lie, it’s the top section of an old artificial tree and I’ve smushed it down into an old brass planter. It wobbled at first; but, I put the base into an old mason jar.  Walla! Steady.

It’s so pretty.

I add gold ribbon and grapevine garland and I have another Christmas tree.

Yesterday, driving past the Christmas tree lot and thinking about the big city trees, I had just a few minutes for errands before going to the shelter.

The Sunday School class at the big historic church invited us as guests to their Christmas party, myself and two women, one homeless, the other formerly homeless.

We’d been asked to speak, to tell their stories of Nurture Home. Me, to tell my story of details, budgets, numbers, mission and outcome.

Theirs, how it was to be homeless and how it is for them now.

Thirty or so distinguished and mannerly faces looking towards them as they told strangers of being homeless, expected to die, trapped in abuse and yet, determined to know life differently.

They made a point of mentioning me, “Miss Lisa”,  as one who pushed them, one who listened, one who they are grateful for.

They answered questions about determination, they said they were strong because they chose to be strong and because God has better for them and they trust Him, believe it this time.

They talked about God in personal ways and I’d like to say I noticed the faces of others in the room.

I didn’t.

I was listening to eloquent stories with details I didn’t know before and I was overwhelmed by poise and confident expressions detailing their being without a safe place called home.

On life support because of alcohol and choosing not to return to the street, instead finding shelter.  Afraid to leave and afraid to stay…afraid of most everything, in fear of being killed, she left with her daughter and came to us, to a shelter.

And now, having dinner in the Methodist parlor of a church.

I lie quietly late that night.  I’d dropped her off at the shelter, unloading donations.  I left them there,  both women, the one who now has a house, a car and job wanted to linger for a little bit. The house warm and full, she wanted to know them all.

I lie quietly that night. I’d turned into our drive, my husband had the porch light on, the red of berries on front door wreath shining against pretty green. The “baby tree” was lit, the house warm, the dogs waiting for me.

Quiet that night, my husband asked, “What’s on your mind? ”  I answered, “Nothing, I’m praying.”

“Okay.”he said.

I drifted off to sleep after prayers of gratitude for things I was reminded of having and with figuring out getting a tree, a Christmas tree for the women, the children, at the shelter.

There needs to be a tree for Christmas in the place they call home.

I’ll take one tomorrow; big, not baby.

 

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Day 11 – grace, regardless

Children, courage, Faith, grace, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, wonder

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Day 11, Advent
Uphold me in your promise that I may live and let me not be put to shame in my hope! Psalm 119:116

How we feel about God, about His part in our plans and how we give him a role in our lives, our faith, dependence, trust…our unwavering acceptance of his unwavering grace is the image and message we convey.

It can’t be hidden, won’t be hidden. With God, there’s no masking, no faking, no playing of holy part. Our lives are not scenes from a grand play for which we’ve auditioned and are  chosen to be the star follower or the longing reject hoping to be picked to follow Jesus.

There’s no need for acting. There’s no need for striving to maintain appearance of never being afraid or feeling condemned, yet again because of negative conversations with self.

If we try to cover our doubts about grace in the day to day, how will we ever convey God’s saving grace to the doubters of us and of life and love,  all around us and in our lives?

We end up exhausted from the farce of it all…going through life only sporadically believing in grace.
Grace is daily.
It is our bread, our sustenance.

It’s what we know we lack and circle back to remember.
The very same grace we accepted as ours when we surrendered our wandering, questioning hearts and believed is the grace that is ours every second of the day.

So, I let my insecurities show and  some might be repelled by my lack of discretion, of not covering up. By the grace of God and my discernment of right people, they show less day by day.

In time one of two things surely happens:
It will, my insecurity, show more or struggle to stay hidden. Insecurity is relevant and relatable. It is beautiful for us to be brave enough to be less than strong enough or as we might be expected to be.

The more we remember grace, the less glaringly we’ll obstruct its beauty by the wearing of our masks of can’t be known.

Heather said she’s ready for the leaves to all fall away, the trees should be wintry now, it’s Christmas.

I agree. There’s beauty in barren. There’s beauty in exposed and clinging to what means life.

Can a winter branch shield itself from cold, wet and harsh season?

I think not, still it’s a beautiful thing to see resting in the strength of roots and even more clearly visible unadorned with leaf against wide blue sky.
#graceupongrace #quietconfidence #birthofjesusday

Beautiful not Finished

Children, Faith, grace, Motherhood, praise, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability
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Unfinished

The first time I put my feet on the little path to the place where love lives now, I thought, “I’d fix these bricks. I’d clean up these flower beds and I’d add some pine straw as a border.”

I walked in the empty house back then, high ceilings and wide open space, functional and sparse.  I moved through the hall and tried with all my heart; but, couldn’t sense heart or home. I thought, “I’d put a rocker there or I might make this a mudroom.”

Today, in my daughter’s country kitchen, I baked spaghetti, thick cheesy pasta merged with a rich sauce as I looked out wide uncurtained window, a little rooster on the ledge. The clear glass, the length of wide sink,impossible not to gaze towards a misty gray sky flecked with blackbirds.

My daughter napped on the sofa under her worn soft blanket. I sat with journal on lap,  glancing again, again towards the narrow window of the front porch and the one past the foyer, in her dining room. It perfectly frames what seems to be miles of trees and peach fields. This window unveiled too, thin gauzy fabric opened to the side.

The leaves on the trees in front were shiny wet, like oil painted canvas, still the cardinal and thrush were easy to find as they danced upwards and round and round.

The brick path greeted me again this morning. The welcome, an unfinished pattern, still incomplete.

I smile when I see the Christmas tree, the pillow on porch swing. I love the changes love has made, my daughter’s “touch” on the big house, their home for now. Even more beautiful will be the one that will come, in time and with plans prepared and waiting.

He has made everything beautiful in His time.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

 

Desires of Heart

Children, courage, grace, Motherhood, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability
Satisfied

Satisfied

Sketches in the margins of my Bible moved onto canvas with thick, layered color, white flowing fabric from empire waists.

The head may tilt or the arms rest, tucked with fingers laced and resting in small of back.

Waiting and satisfied.

Content in the waiting.

I’d always hoped to be an artist.

I’d always hoped I might capture emotion on canvas. I’m selling art and longing to know the place my angels call home.

I have a new favorite, this one with humble and patient expression, hair  bobbed with bangs…this one, looking towards the place where faith waits, sure of hope in time.

I pray Lord, and I thank you that I’m satisfied with me, finally.

I pray, Lord for the two desires you know tonight,the ones I prayed when I prayed, believing… the weighty desires of my heart.

They matter much, the desires of my quiet heart.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give the desires of your heart.  Psalm 37:4

 

Sure Enough

courage, Faith, grace, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

 

Sure Enough

tiny tree ornaments, babies, angels and feathers

This morning, I considered the idea of assurance and prayed,

“Dear Lord,  I want to live assured.”

I thought how it may be to move through my day with a countenance of being sure.

How it might be to wear assurance as my jacket, to walk with the cadence of happy rhythmic step, and to speak in a way so sure I’d radiate belief, my cheeks ‘ablush from the knowledge of enough.

My countenance, sure and assured.

I looked towards the memories on my wall, the tiny angel with her book and a jelly jar full of feathers.

The beauty of it all, so much more than enough, I sit quietly in a settled place with sunsine stripes on the wall.

Yet, none of this is significant or of measurable value.

I could sell angel paintings, their shapes thick with paint and poised with grace and hope. I could hear of the way they spoke to the buyer.  I could publish the book God told me is my “treasure”, the one I’ve been brave enough to title.  I could do these things and more and I’d be nothing more than accomplished without the assurance of a good, true and faithful God.

I’d rather be known by my faith. I’d rather be content in such a way I’d intrigue others to know how, why and could I?

My countenance, one of sure enough assurance and my expression so true, all will understand,

She means it when she says… it’s not me, but, God and it’s grace I don’t deserve but, I’m sure of.

 

 

Truth and Figs

courage, grace, Prayer, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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I looked down at my boots and thought, “Someone’s gonna think I’m wearing leggings to church.” My jeans tucked into my boots underneath a sweater covering belly and a long cardigan; it occurred to me that my jeans are going to be mistaken for leggings.

For months I’ve been noticing the thickness, that heavy layer around my waist. I decide it’s age, at half way past the in between of 5-0 and 6-0, it must be age. Or, I thought, it’s stress or hormones or maybe something digestive.

I imagined all kinds of reasons and thought of pulling out the thick red reference book; or worse Web MD. In any event, I woke up miserable about my weight for the umpteenth day in a row with blah, defeatist mood.

Then it happened, an awakening thanks to the mirror I turned to notice. I’ll not dare to describe to you what I saw. I’d hate to conjure up the image in your mind, the side view going from laundry room to bedroom having gotten panties from the dryer…

I stopped, stunned into attention and out of the blue as thoughts sometimes pounce and say, “Listen up!”  I accepted what I already knew.

There are truths we know of ourselves; yet, we hold out for something or someone begging to differ.  We invite platitudes and giggly little assurances of just how okay we are, all the while we are not at all okay. We know what we know to be truth.

Shaken to the surface, the truth of my health and habits came to light yesterday.

My weight gain happened because of figs and cheese and chocolate and wine. It happened because there can never be enough sharp cheddar in the scrambled eggs and the bacon has to be crisp, fig preserves to contrast the salty when spread on buttered toast.

Evenings disengaged all cozy after a warm shower are always better accompanied by a glass of red or a glass of white, creamy milk…fig newtons or PB&J.  Chocolate loves a balance of a few salty Ritzs and some peanut butter or some popcorn. Sometimes, breakfast at night with raisin bran, bananas and milk makes sense, feels right.

Last month, we Ladies on a Mission all shared anonymous prayer requests. We told each other what we longed to be free of. I shared my struggles with my weight, telling about my college years of deprivation and denial. I told them how I had been trying to lose fifteen pounds for two ding-dang years…and I need that prayer to be answered!!!

The friend I prayed for and am still praying for had a burden much more meaningful, more lingering and troubling. Still, I requested prayer for being fat for too long.

I was jolted into reality yesterday morning, a glimpse of butt and a looking down over thighs squeezed into “jeggings” that were meant to be jeans.

The prayer group met last night. I told them, “If one of you got my request, then I believe you must have been praying for me because I haven’t lost a pound; but, I finally know why!”

I looked to the left, the right, the semi-circle and I met the eyes of one who said: “I’m not saying a word.”  But, I knew it was her.

I knew because she’s told me the truth before even if I didn’t want to hear it. She’s told me the truth about my voice, my insecurities and she’s been bluntly perceptive about my need.

I had good food last night and healthy food today with lots of water in between.  It used to be all or nothing or sneaky and secretive. So, sneaky like fig newtons for the sake of the fig, and peanut butter slathered on apples for the sake of a fruit was feeling a bit like nothing at all, countin’ my baby peas and surviving on lettuce.

I knew the truth, just needed to hear it in my own time.

Truth and Figs, good things I know.

 

 

Martha, Glorious

courage, grace, Prayer, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability
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More than I thought I’d yearn to know

 

It was an odd sensation, wishing I could see the face they saw.

Every one of us, tired, empty and needing to be filled but, not knowing with what or how.

We met for a Bible study, led by me because the volunteer had other things.

Four women and I.

I followed the guide, the chapter on “What Jesus Did” and we all scribbled notes in boxes for responses.

What do you think?  How would you answer?

I give the answers, they agree and then we turn to John 11.

I break out into story, song, and enthusiastic all sorts of reading, followed by hands moving in elaboration.

I’m Martha, I told them.

Martha who gave up, ran out searching, frantic, anxious, trying to get everything just so.

While Mary sits, their brother has died.

Jesus is his friend; but, he didn’t get there in time.  Martha told him so.

I’m reading scripture and we’re talking about believing.

I read about Jesus’s tears and we talk about it.

Jesus wept.

We wondered why he cried.  We all, me and four women who live in a shelter I make possible,  talked about why Jesus cried.

I can hardly take this in.

Then we read, me pausing to say “Can’t you just see this?”  and let me tell you about the time I felt like this.

A time I just could not see through and I looked up, looked out across open and empty sky and I prayed,

“Lord, show me your glory.”

Because I needed to see what I had decided was impossible to be.

And, sometimes, I told them I pray this again, adding

Please…

“Lord, please show me your glory.”

and I’m wishing now as I remember tonight,

That I could see my face the way their faces saw me.

When I got excited about why I love Martha more than Mary.

And I led us off the Bible study bullet list plan and we all veered off, captivated by glory.

Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40

Morning Reassured

Faith, family, grace, praise, Uncategorized
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Day is done with a Beautiful “Amen”

 

What is morning

if not reassurance, or evening

if not acceptance?

Morning wakes with wondering,

What beauty might be mine?

Evening rests with a yearning,

Will there be acceptance of day?

Nightfall,  like unprompted embrace with hand resting on the small of back,

A confirmation?

A gentle nod and slight smile, could it be

“All is fine.”

“You are good.”?

The early morning birdsong, an exhuberant testimony

and the crimson ribboned sky, an Amen.

Reassurances, to me

of God.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.

Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

 

 

Grace and Tender Places

courage, Faith, grace, rest, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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It happened again this week. Crazy, sort of thing, this place and time that a thought comes and becomes more.

The same tree-lined block just before I make the left turn towards work, a thought so clear, a revelation really, it happened and I’ve stored it up as truth.

This time, as powerful as the time before when God gave name to his plan for me, called it “treasure”.

I’ve not let that go.

Won’t.

But, on a morning that caught me off guard by its bitter tone, I hear again; God in response to my heart’s soft question.

Are some days more tender?

Are there moments, mornings and whole stretches of being that the heart’s wide open with raw remembering calling to be healed?

Or  do we allow unaware, the covers thrown back, inviting bravely the attention needed to be well?

Yes, Lisa there are, healing is a process.  Move through it, you are healing.

Learning.

Not like falling back into deep pit of pity, it’s quite beautiful, really.

No need to cause alarm or wondering  “Oh, are they okay?”

The hardest lessons are the ones we must accept about ourselves and our flaws.

They’re revealed  in the hurts of our histories or then eased into acceptance of mislaid plan or controlling lives of outcome gone off in different directions, not always bad ones…

Just ones we didn’t design.

We make boldly confident declarations about what we’d not do, let happen or ever have come and take up space in our homes, in our hearts.

Happenings, mishaps and missteps make you live out your cliche of “but for the grace of God I go there” when, oh Lord…you realize you are there.

Oh, the humbling reality of proud, mislaid lives.

You went there and now you’re on the cusp of beautiful other side…

Until, again somehow

tender places in my heart, like skin rubbed off my baby toe because I wore the fancy shoes, the rawness reopened to be healed.

Oh, I remember now, it was me who opened it up again…one exchange of truthful word.

I remember now the cause of tender sting.

I spoke up for another when the question was posed, “How does a smart woman like her stay in that abuse?

I answered with an answer I believe some never knew me by…

“Seven years, mind control, isolation and thrown against a wall more times than I can remember. God is good though, he kept me here for a beautiful purpose I don’t yet fully know. Hard to comprehend unless you’ve been abused.” Me

So,  some days, the heart’s more tender, the wound more open and the realization of vulnerable more palpable.

Open, truthful and gracefully well.

”Tis grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.” Amazing Grace

 

 

Sunday Rest

courage, Faith, grace, praise, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized

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Rest today and do what you will, Lisa.

Rest in His perfection.

This God whose way is perfect. Psalm 18:30

But, fret not over time or talent.

For perfection cancels out joy.

So, rest in your creative, in your Creator.

A few lines, maybe a canvas, resume where you left off and rest in its brevity or exhilarated expression.

Either way, rest in His perfection through you in perfectly imperfect doses.

This one thing changes everything.

Rest in His way.

“…satisfaction is a lowly thing, how pure a thing is joy.” Marianne Moore