Day 18/19: looking for good- Post-it verses

courage, Faith, Motherhood, Prayer, rest, Trust, Uncategorized

Words of Wisdom: a journey through Psalms and Proverbs

It’s Sunday morning and I’m watching church on TV. It doesn’t happen often; but, I got sick. Not just my normal complaint of back pain, headache, exhaustion…but a real diagnosable condition.

Thankfully, better this morning and my husband says I look rested. Sans makeup, my eyes, he said look brighter.

I needed to rest.

I would not have stopped. I would have continued on my frantic balance of work, family,writing and become grouchier, meaner, more exhausted and annoyed.

So, just last week, I thanked God for my health.

This week, he’s calling me to rest, to actually demonstrate that I cherish my health

It’s one thing to say Thank you, Lord. Quite another to acknowledge that thanks with what God wants. In my case, slow down and rest in Him.

Gratitude needs to be tangible with God. Obedience, lived out. God is good, has good for us when we stop to notice.

Today, I glance at my devotional, filled with pencil notes, dog-eared pages and now tiny little post it tabs. A reminder, a declaration of God’s plan for my pain, my redemption, and my faith.

I know the significance of the tabs.Every page marked holds the place of a verse, an exhortation to write.

Not just write, blog, or post commentary on life.

To write now is to be obedient. To go farther, unsure as I go.

To be obedient in using my story for good. To not be “afraid of failure and uncomfortable with success”, a description that sums up my doubt.

But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do. Psalm 73:28

Day 14: looking for good- Apology and Authenticity

courage, Faith, Trust

Day 13, yesterday, of the 31 Days of Writing challenge and the writing became the thing I dread most, a competition, a race, a comparison of lives.

Yesterday’s post was true. It was accurate. It conveyed the facts of the effects of abuse on women. I hit publish and I met my daily goal. That is all, and for me, that’s a shame.

Devoid of emotion though, a big facade for what really occurred between two women with a history of abuse.

To me, it wasn’t even creative… a misuse of the joy of putting words together as a story.

I was able to elaborate to some extent the feelings of remembering abusive behaviors.

My description of the events were true.

A summary is all, though.

If the story had been authentic it may have included details into why I relate so well to a woman afraid to give notice to an angry employer for fear of anger, screaming, disapproval. But, it wasn’t a story of fear or courage, or any emotion really.

It was shallow.

Earlier this week, I had an epiphany of sorts.

I have these often lately. Perhaps it’s my age. Maybe it’s the exposure of such diverse struggle in my job. Probably, my age… chronological and life experience age with a big heaping of godly conviction steadily growing more evident.

I feel good about that conviction.

I care more about truth than approval. More about honesty than popularity.

It seems I’m becoming more and more discerning as to purpose and path.

Guided by God, I am convinced.

My epiphany, my strong and profound, lingering thought involved authenticity.

I proclaimed via Facebook: “I am thinking alot about living authentically and purposefully for God…a commitment to be consistent in living what I believe, to leave a legacy.”

Morbid? No, not for those who know my heart. My sister liked it. She knows my heart.

So, here’s a commitment to self and God: more writing from the heart, unfiltered God-placed stories of grace, of courage, of struggle, of peace and redemption.

Effortless and authentic

Apologies to all who saw right through the empty, although descriptive and articulate words of yesterday.

I’m back on track.

Day 13: looking for good- courage, my perspective

Faith, Uncategorized

She came to our shelter, she and her daughter, victims of abuse. No family here, all overseas. She had followed her military husband back to our State and ended in a tiny little town with a damaged, injured, bitter husband.

He became violent. They, afraid and alone hiding in a closet from threats of a shotgun rampage were able to leave safely.

They moved into our shelter and shared a bedroom without a window. Just a room, in a house.

A room of solace. A place at the end of the day with predictable calm.

Undereducated, afraid, cowering in public, over time the fear and anxiety eased. Her daughter blossomed, happy and outgoing. Mama went back to school. I was teary-eyed the day I saw them both baptized.

Months later, in their own place, mama has a job and a car. This is what we define, in non-profit logic model language, a successful outcome.

She is now a member of our Board.

Yet, today she came by to announce a new job with a better salary and benefits. I hugged her and asked when she starts. “That’s the thing, she said, I’m afraid to give my notice, I am so afraid.”

“You don’t like conflict do you, you worry about their reaction, right?” She said, “Yes, I know they are going to be mean.”

I continued, suggesting she read a devotional or scripture in the morning and pray. “Handle it the very first thing.” I said. My assistant added, “You have no reason not to improve yourself, no one would blame you.”

She heard, but wasn’t listening, agonizing over what she had to do. We typed up a resignation letter and she was a little better.

I hugged her again, and reminded her of her timeline with us, every single baby and big step, knowing this new step would make her even stronger.

She left.

I turned to my assistant announcing, “And that is what being physically and verbally abused to the point of hiding in a closet will do to you. ”

But it gets better over time, easier with each and every facing of fears, of angry people, controlling people, people who have insecurities, problems of their own.

Today was a gift, a reminder of redemption.

A chance to share what I know.

The gift of perspective, the courage to use my past hurts, fears, anxieties and sorrows even, for good…for God.

Courage is a good thing, good made better and better with every challenge.

Day 12: looking for good- acceptance and change

Faith, rest

Grace

Change of season

A fallen leaf,once vibrant green, now an ochre shade of autumn found its way mingled with the brights of summer.

Grace and acceptance welcomed it there.

The first sharp chill of Fall, I shiver, tense, my arms crossed for warmth, thrown into the change.

I adjust, I accept, but I’m still reluctant and reminiscent about seashells,fireworks and sunshine.

We are at the mercy of the seasons, we moan. Our days are intermittently Summer and Fall in the South as if God in His sovereign grace is saying “Okay, I can see you were not quite ready, I’ll give you a little more time to accept this change.”

And then, like the crusted leaf amongst the pink we find ourselves lounging in backyards, immersed in novel or play and we, eyes closed, become passionate about the wind’s clean, clear freshness against our faces.

Grace and acceptance. We welcome change.

God is good. He has good for us. He understands our stubborn hearts afraid of change, resistant to change.

He is grace, mercy, love and mostly patience. In time, we welcome change.

Day 10: looking for good-found and treasured

Faith, rest, Trust, Uncategorized

Today, I watched a little boy kneeling in the grass holding a feather. He held tightly, eyes studying spine in the middle as his tiny fingers rubbed the velvety shape, smoothing it upward. I wondered what he thought. He was captivated by the feather. In a crowd of parade goers, he was intent, his sweet spirit comforted by his found feather.

Last week, I stopped by my parents’ graves in the old hillside family cemetery. I was disappointed to find the grass overgrown and some of the most stately cedar trees either damaged or decaying.

I left a penny on daddy’s grave and replanted pansies for mama. Silly to plant pansies in a clay pot when I’m two hours away? Probably. It’s a tradition, though. Like the penny and a rooster every Christmas.

Visiting the cemetery is a weighty appointment. We either go because we should or we go hoping to connect. It’s a contradiction of love and misery.

Sometimes we leave feeling as sad and afraid as the day we stood, circled with family when we buried our mamas and daddies.

“No one ever tells us grief feels so like fear.” C. S. Lewis

Walking towards my car for the drive back home, I glance over and see a feather, pristine and white with touches of cobalt blue…l placed it tenderly in my lap and drove.

I’ve found three more since. Tomorrow, is the anniversary of my daddy’s death, 16 years ago.

God is good. Small things, big love kind of good.

Be captivated and comforted.

God is good. He has good for us.

Day 7: Looking for good – good enough

Faith, Trust

I am blown away by the number of people who blog. Seriously, so many blogs!

Really good-looking blogs all sleek and shiny. Their layouts and their posts, polished and relevant. Normally, this would be the time for me to slip back and say, “Oh, no way I can’t compete, this wasn’t for me”.

I do not like competition. Nor do I care for accolades. I like being me and resting in that.

Competition and comparison take me back to my fat little girl days.

Lined up next up to an array of blogs was beginning to feel like comparing outfits in middle school and hearing “yours looks homemade!”

So, I was thinking today, “Does my blog matter, am I embarrassing myself?”

Maybe I need to focus on a topic of value.

I could blog about a variety of more relevant subjects. Write about things besides my faith and my stories and observations of life and lesson.

I could tell all about the non-profit world of mental health, how to write a grant, how to run a homeless program, and how to listen to a parent who lost a child to suicide. I could recall working in the field of child abuse and I could tell you some stories about families I met and I could tell you even more about my opinions of our flawed child welfare system.

I wondered, would that make a better blogger? Would my stats graph climb higher? Or, maybe if I were more savvy and understood all the widgets and configurations…maybe then I would join the ranks of really good bloggers.

But, that’s not my “quiet confidence, story-teller way of doing things, not my heart.

My blog matters to me even if I only have a few readers. It is a joyous experience for me. An experience that’s a step towards my memoir, something I feel is a God-planted, a prayerful goal. My blog is a commentary for good…for God. It’s my sharing of the good that’s come my way through God and of what good will come.

Like a blank canvas in a sunny room. It is tranquil.

Like brush strokes blending peaceful colors, it flows. It is not toil.

It is good…God-given good.

It is enough…more than enough.

Day 6 : looking for good-pastels and pines

Faith, Uncategorized

Mama’s pines

I paint unexpectedly and spontaneously. Like writing, my soul is nourished when color meets surface. Writing and art… quiet,nondescript, random, sometimes bravely, graphic.

Quiet, simple, deeply personal…two things I love, expressions of memories, lessons,and images of a life in the country, looking up to heaven, through skinny branches of ancient pines.

God is good. The sweetest of gifts have colored my life. Art…words and pictures.

Day 4: Looking for good: laundry lamenting

Faith, Motherhood

my beautiful children

Today, I read from Lamentations as Jeremiah implored me to remember that God’s mercies endure and his faithfulness is great.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22

I was bogged down in laundry. Consumed, I thought. Yes, I am consumed with laundry! The sky was a glorious blue and the air was crisp and clear to breathe in. Yet, I was on load three and had the vacuum cleaner out still in my PJ’s at 1:00.

I see my son, freshly showered and he reminds me we are supposed to go shopping. I finish up and shower and dress quickly, to spend a day with my 17-year-old.

I almost complained, I thought about ranting, moaning, complaining about the laundry. I even typed a Facebook post of “I don’t think Jeremiah knew about laundry when he talked about the Lord’s mercies being new every morning because the only thing new here are socks underwear and towels…every morning!” As if calling Jeremiah out about laundry would make me feel better. Of course not, I hit Delete Post and headed back to change out the loads.

And now, Saturday night and my house is clean. My son and I shopped and had pizza together. My daughter, after searching through her laundry and finding her cute cardigan, had a spectacularly beautiful college football day. She was beautiful and happy! After a day of winding through country roads with her country man she will come home to her pretty little bedroom…clean sheets, emptied trash and laundry done. My son, surrounded by friends and the first bonfire of the year on this beautiful, brightly moonlit night.

God is good. Laundry is unending; but,God is good.

His compassions are new every morning.

Day 3: Good words: God-given,God shared

Faith, rest, Trust

more boldly, more clearly

Day three of this new, expanding my horizons writing/ linking/ blogging exercise and I woke feeling slightly illiterate in the blogger world. My writing for the past year or so had become a joyous spilling of my soul that was so,so special. Unlike journals scattered all over my house, it felt like a step forward, a tangible and beautiful gift to myself. So, I was thankful to be brave about my writing. It was good for me.

But, this morning to write felt like a “measuring up/attention seeking activity”. I have noticed when I write this way, it’s insincere and nobody may ever know; but, it’s not the work of my heart and soul. We all do it, this attention seeking thing. It’s easy to get sucked into.

I almost gave up; but, then decided, “Hey it’s not really about being one of hundreds who are writing during http://write31days.com/ and having my entries pop up for my blogger companions to see…it’s about that conviction that writing is a God-planted thing, a “don’t want to give this up because it feels God-given good“.

So, I open my devotional to Day Three and I find pencil notes from this date in 2013.

They resonate even more clearly, so I outline the words more clearly, more boldly.

“Cease striving, if it feels like struggle, it’s not for you to handle, it’s for God.”

So, I will continue the 31 Days of Writing: Looking for Good, for God...an exercise in striving less, being more still and letting God determine the eyes that find my words.

Day 4: not sure…I’ll be waiting to see good, God-given good. Not sure if it will pop up on my linky thing. Still, I write.

Day 2: Good things : appointments and encounters

Children, Faith

just take a break

This morning, this dog found its way to my front steps and once the door was opened, sashayed down the hallway, scampering with confidence, following me into my office. I sat down, going for the phone to call the number on her tag, looked up and she had plopped herself in a chair. She cocked her head to the side as if to say, “Hey, how’s it going, did you forget about our appointment?”

Actually, I did, I thought, but I’m glad you remembered. Crazy, I know but this dog demanded and I happily stopped my work for her “drop in” appointment.

The phone calls had been randomly unusual and difficult all day long. We, this dog and I, visited for awhile as I smiled about her ease in jumping into my chair for a visit. It made me smile that she seemed to know I needed her. It was good for me to be distracted, surprised, entertained. Her owner came eventually, chastised her and left.

I’m still secretly hoping she’ll sneak away again soon. In fact, I’ve decided I would rename her and call her Joy. It was good to be interrupted by such simple joy.

This morning, I prayed for a day of productivity, of less distractibility, of less laziness and lack of motivation on my part. I just prayed that God would help me get deadlines met and asked for forgiveness that I seemed to have lost my focus. And I thanked God that he is patient with me as I continued with my self-condemnation tone of failing to finish my to-do list.

Mid-morning, I was flustered because I had accomplished very little. So, okay, hurry up to make the noon meeting and then the plan would be “head down, get busy and work late, get that report done” …this was my goal.

2:00 p.m. I see a former employee’s car, a young mom I cared so much about.I throw my hand up as she pulls into the post office. She waves back. . I walked over and surprised her with my approach as she sat in her car. I smiled and she rolled down the window. I sensed that she wasn’t sure I would talk. It was a chance encounter. I wanted to reconnect. We laughed. We talked about our families, our recent loss and the growing up milestones of her sweet little girl and my almost adult son and adult daughter. She asked where my daughter teaches. When I answered her face lit up, as she exclaimed “She is teaching my nephew, everybody talks about how much she loves her students!” She continued, ” a lot of people are talking about what a good teacher she is, how she loves the students and they love her.” I smiled, my heart filled with mother love and said, “Well, one thing’s for sure, if she’s their teacher they are gonna get loved on!”

We talked a little more, laughed and cut up as we picked right back up on our stories of life. I remember how much I adored her laughter.

We exchange prayer requests and we smiled because we knew requests would be lifted up. I reached into the car and touched her arm and we talked some more about her family.

I started to walk away three or four times and we picked right back up in conversation, laughing about my latest expression of “blessed assurance!” in lieu of cuss words.

I needed to see her. She needed to see me, for her day had been full of frustration and she had escaped her home for a few minutes using the excuse of buying stamps. It was good to see her. It was good for our souls to join in laughter.

Tomorrow is a new day and my report and to-do list await me. But, today God is good and his interruptions were exceptionally sweet. God had good for me today!

Unanswered prayer…I think not.

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Psalm 126:3

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