Wisdom, Shoes and the Journey of Nevertheless

Children, courage, Faith, family, Motherhood, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

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I phoned five different stores,  narrowed our possibilities down to two older downtown department stores and a place with a really funny name that sounded like nothing to do with shoes or military attire.

Just as well, no one answered the phone because I was a little confused about a shop claiming to sell desert boots but calling itself,  “Little Elves Shop”. The shoes he needed were needed soon, must be broken in, must meet specific requirements. I was thrilled to plan our shopping day, first stop, downtown and just across the river into Georgia.

Wrong!  This sprawling expanse of a dark and damp department store contained old clothes, old shoes and old men who explained that the shoes might be damaged because the roof fell in on the store a while back. Smushed flat shoes, corduroy pants with ridged cords thick like Brady Bunch bell bottom jeans and military jackets…pile upon pile. Crazy as it seems, I was hoping for the shoes. Maybe smushed shoes meant broken in. I was getting desperate.

We left, my son and I, shaking our heads but laughing. A shop across the street caught my eye, “Law Enforcement Command Center”. I crossed the street, pressed my face to the window, saw what might be the shoes and knocked on the door, a desperate mom in need of shoes for my college boy.  The store had closed five minutes earlier.

“Austin” I say,  “there’s one we can try. It’s called Little Elves Shop.” His face priceless, as I called and a gentleman answered.  Same story, new person  “I need shoes for my son. He’s going to The Citadel in August. I can’t find them anywhere!”  “Come on down” he said.  “I’ll help you out.”  So, of course we headed that way.

Weaving back streets,  a quiet little town with four wheelers and lawn mowers out for rides, we found the place, Little Elves Shop.  A sign warned us to drive slowly, a bump in the driveway in front of a tiny little shed with an  “Open, Come in”  sign beckoning us to enter. We both stood, unsure of the little shop. We were there and he said he could help, he said come on down. He was expecting us. We had to go in.

So, we did. Walked in and he perked up. He was a thin man,  small in stature and bent over slightly, he perked up and said, “Well, hello there! I thought I was tall but you are a some kinda tall, young man!”  My son is 6′ 5″. He gets this a lot. He endures it mostly.  He smiled as the owner scurried excitedly meandering through the racks of clothes to look for shoes in the tiny little military and memorabilia filled shop, jam packed with uniforms, shoes, jackets, boots and shoes.

He found the boots. They fit.  He sold us socks, Brasso, Kiwi shoe polish, shirt stays and a shoe shine kit. He would order the black military oxfords if we couldn’t find them, not patent, not corifam  (No, I had no idea what that meant).

But, in between and along the way, he imparted wisdom and Austin and I listened.

We heard of his small town high school days in the Beta Club. He was an only child, both parents disabled and yet he was selected to travel to Missouri. He had a good business head he told us, but was poor.  He had charm and a solid bit of good sense. He was, smart and was selected to travel in a competition nevertheless, he said.

He smiled and winked as he told Austin about the banquet after the awards. He said he found himself in an almost empty ballroom staring across the room at the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. He told my son, back in those days young men respected young women. You were never too forward.

He asked Austin, “What do you think I did?  Well, I had no choice but to walk right over and ask her to dance and we danced for hours.”

He told us he returned to the tiny town of Greenwood and she to her home, her daddy a wealthy businessman. He worked in a mill, his parents disabled, limited income. She wrote him he said, inviting him to her graduation. She told him her daddy wanted to meet him. His life would change. It could be his answer. It could have changed his life, he said.

“Nevertheless,” he said, “I got sick and couldn’t go.”   He came down with appendicitis and was close to death. The girl from the Midwest never wrote again.

And then he smiled, telling how for a time he dated five girls at once until two showed up at the same place and then, “Austin” he said, chuckling  “for five years I couldn’t pay a girl for a date.”

I imagined him handsome, confident, sharply dressed for dancing. I imagined the girl from the Midwest dressed in flowery pastel, dancing, swaying with the sweet Southern boy full of charm and  confidence.

Handsome and sure of himself.

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“Nevertheless, I  married the one of the five who said yes.  I call her my little bride.” he shook his head, smiling.

He got quiet then and talked of Vietnam and his shop helper, a veteran working with him and for him, handicapped by war, a struggling victim of PTSD. He told us of this soldier’s company. Of the deaths of men led by him, carried by him,  their fatally wounded bodies, he the only survivor.

“He can’t be around loud noises and he drifts off in thinking.

Nevertheless, he lived although his friends died.”

“War is bad, Austin,war is bad.”

“Nevertheless, it is a worthy and brave commitment.”

Then, the heaviness shifted and we, my son and I eased towards the exit, boots and various items in hand, plans to order the shoes.

He looked at my son and said, “You are a fine young man.”

I smiled, thanked him and we left.

We found the shoes the next day, the law enforcement uniform shop with courteous, efficient and ease of purchase staff.

Nevertheless, I called the little shop owner to say I found the shoes. He invited us back, me actually.

He has a back yard filled with flowers. He promised to help Austin and me dig up a few of a certain ones, moon flowers he called them.

“You can watch them bloom at night” he said. “Plant a few, they’ll make you smile when you’re missing your boy.”

I’m fascinated now with the idea and truth of “nevertheless”. It’s all through the Bible…the word, the idea of good in spite of, of grace and good from unexpected, from uncertainty.

Of things turning out for us despite us.

This time and this transition, this much to be prepared for challenge.

Empty nest, overflowing heart.

I am proud of you, son.

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This journey of faith

Of assurance.

Letting go, holding loosely, letting God.

Nevertheless, it’s a tough journey.

Shoes, boots and stories, nevertheless.

The little man from the Little Elves Shop called again.  He wanted me to know that each and every time Austin comes to mind, he’ll stop and pray. He wanted me to tell Austin this and told me again, “He’s a fine young man.”

“I had hoped to do business with you again.”

“Nevertheless, I enjoyed meeting you and Austin”, he added.

“Thank you”,  I said.

And knowing our shopping is done and my son will be dropped off with a quick and not so easy hug at The Citadel very soon

I may stop for a visit and some wisdom, by Little Elves Shop,  nevertheless.

The brave and beautiful 3, Praises

Children, courage, Faith, family, praise, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Wednesday morning, I felt the need to retreat. I thought of avoiding all social stuff, followed blogs, subscriptions, true and important posts on the Charleston horror and/or the ones meant to lift me, motivate or push me forward.

I thought of settling back into the comfortable place of effortless complacency. I considered quieting my voice, my words. I remembered my truth,  “Write bravely or not at all” and not at all was feeling safe, feeling like a good fit for an expected mold. I had been here before, searching for the consoling truth of God, waiting His truth out.

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And then I skimmed my inbox to read the next chance to tell my story, His story. Linking up, who am I kidding?  I’ve just really begun, afraid my words are just journaling. On a muggy gray morning I found myself in a funk, a deep pit, asking “Jesus, help me out of this rough patch.”

 Like the Psalmist, I cried, I’m slipping!  Again, your unfailing love, O’ Lord supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope. Psalm 94:18-10

 I’ve been linking up with other writers mainly as an exercise in persistence, an assignment that elicits my naive courage, I think.

Jennifer Dukes Lee reminds me to praise and then suggests I comment sharing three praiseworthy things. I was feeling as far from praise as the sun is from the full moon on a winter night.  So, I sat with that sullen quiet as I opened the next message.

I read about courage described by Tracy Line as she recalled her “Time Hop” of three years ago. http://tracyline.com/2015/06/23/the-art-of-practicing-courage/  I decided to comment, a Thank You for Tracy’s story of discovering what God intended for her resting period of three years. I shared my struggle with Tracy, which is odd but not odd, in that I’ve not met Tracy Line “The Writer Tracy”.

But, Tracy replied in the same kind way Jennifer Dukes Lee replied months ago. Both expressed good and hopeful truths. Tracy encouraged me further, told me she had read my brave words…You’re a good writer.” she said.

Both said they would pray for me.

Published authors, stopping to pray for me. And both times, God heard and I sensed a change of thought, of heart, reason and my reasoning.

Both times!

Here it is Thursday evening and I’m thinking of the beauty of kind words of two strangers who love God. I’m remembering the challenge to be thankful for three things. A discarded chance to comment just a day ago because I felt my praises were too contrived, too insincere.

Now, just a day past the thought of keeping it all to myself, my brave words, slipping into a quiet, keep it all inside place…I’m bursting to proclaim my three things for which I lift my face and hands in praise!

Praise God #1

Praises to God for a wedding dress weekend!  A couch filled with crazy, how do I work this selfie-stick laughter. My daughter streaming happy, joyous, honest and  sweet tears from the dressing room when she could wait no longer and slipped her pretty arms into the wedding dress. Her quiet request of the seamstress to honor Grandma and my stopping to catch my breath sigh upon hearing it…my daughter, soon to be a bride.  One of my three…

Pre-Yes to the Dress party

Pre-Yes to the Dress party

Praise God #2

I bought the biggest and best dog bed, refusing to believe it would be ripped apart. I bought this dog bed because “Colt” the Christmas gift to a son about to enter The Citadel, is in fact a pony size chocolate lab puppy who has outgrown the crate. Praise God, he loves his bed!

Every night for a week, back to the place where the crate had been and a word “Bed”  and he sleeps, all night. No more pee puddles and he has stopped eating my bras!  He is a rambunctious little boy of a dog who likes living here. Praise God for my  “What was I thinking Merry Christmas, Austin”   lapse in reason addition to our family.

Worth it all

Worth it all

Praise God #3

From a heart, heavy and tired,  I’ve been lifted again.  Praise God, the sustainer and lover of my weary and wayward soul!  The God who reminds me of the good seed he planted in me. The God planted, joy bringing, soul nourishing act of thoughts made words.

Writing, my seed

Clearly and more confident

Clearly and more confident

Bravely, with a few familiar steps back, but stronger steps forward, good work began, carried to completion.

With God, through and for God.

He who began a good work in me will carry it through to completion. Philippians  1:6

Quiet Confidence is my strength, returning and rest, my salvation. Isaiah 30:15

I’m linking up with other amazing and motivating writers who Tell His Story at Jennifer Dukes Lee.http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tell-his-story/

The Story of my Daddy’s Heart

Children, courage, Faith, family, Prayer, Vulnerability

I hadn’t noticed the puppy until now. I didn’t remember my daddy being the dog lover mama was. But, here we are.

Me, almost three with daddy and a puppy following along at our heels. I’m looking down and he must have been watching for roots to trip me up or something that might harm my tiny little feet. I keep this photo on my desk and I cling to the love it portrays, an image of his kind and quiet heart.

Walking by the water

Walking by the water

My daddy’s life was badly bruised by tragedy. His daddy was murdered by a black man over some sort of dispute, at the well drawing water. Daddy never spoke of this, I only know through stories saved for my grown-up ears. The knowledge of my daddy’s pain brought clarity and forgiveness for hurtful and scary words that would come easily when alcohol was salve for his wounds.

The story of my daddy’s heart is a timely story, an important story.

Mainly, for the children I love, grown or still small who need to know.

A story of a friendship between a white man and a black man.

Thomas, my daddy’s friend helped him when no one else would.

Thomas checked on my daddy, had long talks on lonely cold nights with my daddy and drove him home on many nights.

Stood by his friend through cancer and watched him, with us, become kinder and more humble each day. Every day spent in searching conversations centered on ammends making and making right of perceived wrongs.

Thomas and his wife, Mary cried at my daddy’s funeral and then stopped by to sit with, listen to my mama on lonely cold nights in her lonely country home.

Thomas fished in their pond, cut her knee high grass in summer.

Just checked on her, kept her going. And then, when my mama died, we gave Thomas and Mary her car.  They cared for my mama’s best friend, her dog, until it’s grieving and aging heart passed on too.

Thomas and daddy are together again, friends in Heaven.

Thomas was my daddy’s friend. Race didn’t matter. This is the story of my daddy’s heart and of his friend’s heart.

A Father’s Day story, a timely story

A story for a time like this, a time of tragic hate and young people who are both impressive and impressionable. Young people who are paying attention and are standing for something. Maybe deciding  between love or hate.

Choose love over hate.  Love like a Wednesday night prayer meeting prayer. An open heart, open door prayer for someone they thought just lost and seeking. A love shown, freely offered in light of and because of Jesus. A strong love like a mama taught a son. A son who lost his mama at a Wednesday night prayer meeting in Charleston.

For the ones I love, a story you need to know

For the ones I love, a story you need to know

“Love is always stronger than hate.”

Chris Singleton, son of Sharonda Singleton

 

 

 

The Bluest of Days

Children, courage, Faith, family, Motherhood, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

This time last week I was hoping for more time of quiet. I knew pretty soon I’d be interrupted by noisy kitchen rumblings and Saturday morning useless television.

But, I stopped my down time and moved slowly from the couch to shower when my daughter offered to have lunch and go antique shopping. A tiny little town about twenty minutes away, our favorite spot, we’d need to hurry she said.

Just time enough to “go junkin'”  and have a little lunch, then back home so she could go fishing with her fiance.

My plan had been to write, to try and make sense of some of the thoughts from a rough previous week.

I had asked a friend earlier this month…I can’t decide if I’m overwhelmed or sad.  Just so much good, so much sad, so much to celebrate, so much to grieve.

There was such a disconnect. I felt so disjointed.

I was thinking about sadness and a longing to be hopeful.  I felt like life had become too much for me understand and the idea of being hopeful and surrendered was a burden, a chore. Felt unattainable.

Resistant to hoping,  I struggled, because all I kept thinking was

Sometimes being sad makes sense and hope feels like being stranded in a deep grey ocean, clinging tightly to whatever is possible, staying afloat, yet wondering, “How will I ever get to shore?”

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I attended the funeral of a friend’s husband of 22 years. He, I believe, was on the cusp of living fully, freely. Suddenly  massively unexpectedly. he died on an otherwise predictable day. His wife, my friend is sad.

Sadness makes sense.

And I had been stuck on something I couldn’t change. I wanted mama here, their grandma.  Ausin will be graduating from high school and Heather will be trying on wedding dresses…both happening in just days, weeks.

Sadness makes sense when grandmas don’t live until grandchildren become adults. This is truth, to me.

Being sad made sense…the kind of trying to but can’t snap out of it sense. But, forced to be a secret kind of sadness because you can’t or don’t really let on how hopeless missing someone feels.

The spiraling down hopelessness made even more ugly because of the feeling of “shouldn’t feel this way” and “your faith is an example to everyone so you can’t be so afraid, so sad, so weak.”

And the promises of and  from God are good.   But still, that dark grey ocean of longing for what no longer can be surrounds you as you peer anxiously and vacantly to see, feel that hope.

There you are holding onto to what you know of hope;  but, still squinting through tired, heavy eyes for rescue,  hope…stumbling and  stepping cautiously for a level, safe place.

We all stumble in many ways.  James 3:2

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Days passed, thoughts gathering, circled around and stored up for sharing. Yet, no time for writing, my journal filled with ramblings of prayer and promises of good to come.

  Jotted down thoughts on sadness, on hope. Lists  made of scriptural recordings of sad and wandering people like me…themselves floating in the murk of what they knew, never doubted, truly and deeply knew was a strong solid hope, yet they too wondered

” How long, Lord until hope is again my safety,  my solace?”

How long, Lord until I see your glory?

How long until I see you, know and believe in Hope?

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Writing about sad making sense and hope feeling like lost was on my mind and heavy in my heart until last Saturday when I said yes to lunch and shopping.

Until, I walked outside and saw the sky, saw God.

“Look at the sky, Heather, not a single cloud.” I said,  lingering for a minute, my  face turned upward as I pulled out of the drive.

Nothing but blue.

The brilliant, bluest expanse of blue, as if heaven had thrown open its arms to say, ” All is well.”

 My daughter and I had lunch, she discovered the sweetest idea for her reception tables and we headed back home.

Pretty country roads on a blue sky day with happy talk of wedding and then, ” Oh, mama”

And I turn towards her face to see a flash of blue pajama bottoms, a child badly injured.

We stop abruptly, side of the road, get out of my car, hurrying.

She consoled. She comforted. She nurtured.  Talked of 5th grade and basketball.  Teacher voice, calm and intent . She prayed, silently, kneeling amongst overgrown weeds.

askfriend-4And again, that same blue sky buffeted us as I ran without thinking to pray…to a sister, a mama and held hands pleading ,

“Jesus, save this child. We are certain Lord of your love for us. Please, Jesus, save this child.”

I had never prayed this way. Never implored, pleaded, cried out in this tone…this manner.

Praying, hoping, knowing, trusting.

And a week ago tomorrow, afraid of what I might hear, I found hope again in the voice of a mama who answered a hospital room phone saying,

“He’s gonna be just fine.

 I recognize your voice, you held me. You prayed.”

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 Hope, I see you. You, God are my hope.

Thank you Jennifer!

More clearly, now.

Children, courage, family, Motherhood, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

 

Mama's, sisters, children

I called my daughter and asked her to check my roast. ” I think it’s gonna taste like grandma’s this time.” I said.

“You’ve never gotten it like grandma’s, mama” she insisted.

” I have a couple of times, check it.” I said. “I think it’s gonna fall apart.”

“You’re right, mama…it is…you did it this time.” she said.

Last week, my cousin asked what my daughter’s favorite cake would be, planning ahead for birthday.

“She loved mama’s pound cake or the thin layer chocolate.” I answered.

Cake and my mama….always consistently rich, no holds barred, exceptionally outspoken, rich in taste and memorable.

You got what you expected, anticipated.

When I think of my mama, I think of cooking.  I think of love expressed with joy.

I think of honest, simple, and no secrets…all expectations met.

Satisfied, satiated, blessed even.  Her cooking was art.

Her conversations, her opinions, her advice were the same.

No cutting corners,  nothing artificial, sometimes harsh.

Consistently honest and end of the story succinct.

Rarely soft or maternal.

She mothered the way she was mothered.

Industrious, focused and intentional.  Harsh at times. Vacant, disengaged, exhausted at times.

She was overwhelmed. I understand now.

More than almost anything last week, on Mother’s Day…for Mother’s Day

I wanted to write my story about my mama….about a feeling I had come to know.

To understand now.

An opportunity to express the peace that comes from experience.

A place of perspective I found, of understanding finally.

I positioned this sepia toned little story. Mama, my aunt, silhouettes of my children, me as a pretty baby….beautiful imagery, idyllic, almost perfect.

I began to write about a memory.

A time, an encounter left hanging around for some time.

Still, it was painful and it was a troubling, limbo type story.

I drafted and trashed.

Too hurtful.  Too honest. Too surprising maybe.

Edited and trashed.

The story of a cold, quiet night when I decided after months of drifting, disappearing, rebellious ignorance…to show up and ask my parents

“Why don’t you care?”

A story of the quiet of the room

The warmth of the fire, my palms hot behind my back as I waited

For answer, for punishment, for anger, for forgiveness.

For reaction.

Any attention is good attention for a wayward child.

No words except,  ” We did all we could do.”

I  left my family. I chased after the wind.

Got caught in terrible violent storm and

Stranded by choices

They stopped searching.

And so, that night, full of attitude and angst.

I blamed my mama.

But, she only listened in the quiet, daddy unmoved in agreement.

They had done all they could.

And I left, knowing then.

But, not realizing until now, more clearly now.

That this was truth. Is truth.

And I became still like a child, turned and left, beginning to see.

My heart not proud; my eyes not haughty. Psalm 131 :1

 beginning to hope in the Lord.

She did the best she could.

The best I could do has been far different.

More hands on.

More intentional “love you’s” or random  “love you’s”.

Daily affirmations or scripture sent in text messages

“Don’t forget I love you’s.”

Unconditional, my love for them, they are reminded in words.

Letters, notes, conversations.

Maybe overkill, so that love is not something cherished?

Can children become numb to our love?

Does independence lessen it’s worth?  Reduce their longing for it?

Is it not the special secret treasure I had hoped….this yearning to love better than?

I hope not, but maybe.  Flaws and failures, drifters sometimes.  Children are humans in a crazy, enticing, all about me world.

Pathways are prone to drift.  Roadmaps must be their’s not mine.

“God’s driving the bus, Lisa”  mama said

I’m really just a ride along companion anticipating and praying over departures and destinations.

Imperfect mama...loved children

Imperfect mama…loved children.

Grace comes when we are touched by ugly, but still love.

I can’t even remember when, because it doesn’t matter now.

I have forgotten.

But, one child questioned me.

Sort of “called me out”. It was hurtful and unexpected.

I didn’t react. On the outside at least.

Except to say  “I love you and always will.”

“I’m doing the best I can.”

“I always have.”

And there it was.

After all this time since the firm, vacant look in front of the fire.

Clarity like a knock upon my door…the knock of a scary, rebellious, unwelcome child you say will never be yours.

And I saw my mama loving me.

Withholding anger. Choosing not to bring out my hurtful wrongs.

I saw clearly.

More clearly now.

More honest. Life, love and my words.

“I can only write honestly.  Anything else is simply vacant, conspired, not wise.  Bravery is healing.” A lesson from this community of writers

But you desire honesty from the heart, so You can teach me to be wise in my in most being. Psalm 51:6

Honest love

Wise love

 

Thank you Jennifer!

Thank you Jennifer!

Answered Prayers and Tomorrows too Soon

Children, courage, Faith, family, Motherhood, Teaching, Trust, Uncategorized

Two big changes are coming all at once.

My daughter’s engaged to the boy, now a man, with the big truck with the Bible on the seat and the beautiful smile.

The future Mr. and Mrs. Benji Brown

The future Mr. and Mrs. Benji Brown

The one she woke me over 7 years ago to say. ” I’ve found him!”

And half asleep in the dark, I knew she was smiling.

I thought a long time that night of the sweet, determined confidence in her announcement.

And now, I see her tender smiling tears and I am joyously overwhelmed. To see her in love and preparing to wed, an answered prayer and blessing.

A year away but feeling like it’s tomorrow and tomorrow is feeling too soon.

Too soon for  happy, teary, joyful goodbyes

Goodbyes covered in prayers of blessing and “Don’t forget I love you’s”.

My tomorrows for now are spent intentionally reminding of love…mine and God’s and of being weepy at unexpected times in my day.

My daily text messages of scripture continues,  but my focus is intentional to show a more blessed me and a  joy-filled temperament…one that shows, not just speaks…one that lives out what I have spoken so long.

“You are a blessing to me”.

Still, the thought of a house without my daughter and my son moistens my eyes.

Weepiness is not really me.

But it is my heart and they are my heart, my soul.

So, in the meantime there are ways to move towards this time of the coming tomorrows.

Like standing in the center of their bedrooms after they’ve left for the day lingering in the quiet, yet noisy messiness  of their stuff.

Art and antiques on my daughter’s walls, bed made just so, heirlooms of her grandma’s, dried flowers from Benji, Bible, journals and massive amounts of clothing filling her closet.

Down the hall, sparse and organized, my son’s room,  a guitar and flags, hoodies, hats and an overabundance of shoes lined up in orderly fashion

College acceptance letters neatly stacked on the corner of his desk.  A lone blue folder, silver letters in marker “Citadel”.

Last week, I dropped him off for “Pre-Knob” overnight at The Citadel.

He turned the corner and walked alone under the canopy of oaks.

His posture was that of a man, broad shouldered, briskly walking towards his future.

I felt it.

I saw it in his steps,  a readiness to decide his future.

So,  I fell behind a distance and I  let him go.

 

Austin at Citadel, my sweet boy

Austin at The Citadel, strong and determined.

And I know…they have been taught along the way.

Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older,  they will remain upon it.  Proverbs 22:6

Siblings, dogs and love

Children, family, Motherhood, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized
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Brothers and sisters

 

6:00 a.m. sounds wake me.

No alarms necessary.

Our house is noisy and scheduled.

It won’t be like this for long.

Abbie’s up ’cause Heather’s up.

Routine,  Abbie likes routine.

Her house, her bowl, her place on the couch.

I get that.

I hear her fancy little beagle steps (we call it trickling) making her way to  check her food bowl then on to her soft place in the den.

Bed to couch, what a life!

Then little, big brother wakes.

Low moan growl heard from my end of the house becomes….”Oh, time to get up…Yay…come get me”  bark!

Good pup, outside to pee, checks his bowl, then back inside slips into the kitchen slinking around to check sister’s bowl.

Not time for food yet, okay.

Grandma’s doing her quiet thing…. I’ll wait.

Colt, Austin named him…somehow not knowing a colt is in fact a small horse.

Name fits, trust me.

A Christmas request…last Christmas before college from Austin.

Craziness, yes.

Doing crazy, unnecessary things for my quite self-sufficient children is a choice for me, a choice I call demonstrating love.  What better send-off I say, into their own little nests , than to plant   remembrances of  intentional love my priority ?  Creating little things that upon recall might elicit a response of

“Mama didn’t have to do that, but she did.” 

Things like getting Colt, the big Brown dog much like that red one he loved named Clifford.

Sweet, goofy, yet obedient to treats, chocolate lab flopping into the kitchen on big feet spread bigger every day.

Abbie, frustrated with her new brother, takes his place on soft, old quilt I have  added to protect my mama’s old chair.

Fresh, clean and crisp.

I smile and

Cover her with quilt. She likes safe, close cover. Rub her back as she answers with a little sweet beagle Abbie sigh.

Abbie decides this place, this chair,  “It’s mine”.

Sweet Abbie. She’s adjusting. She’s keeping up.

She’s trying to understand.

Barking in rhythm protecting me last night when a big black cat was spotted by Colt.

Loud, strong, get our of our yard barking, both warning the stoic and stubborn cat  “Get out of our yard!  My grandma’s home alone!”

Abbie barking louder and longer as if to say, “Hey, I was here first.”

Abbie waiting in the window for Heather, taking turns sitting for treats and demanding soft head rubs from Austin or reassurances from Greg.

Abbie is adjusting. We all are.

Colt is a lesson in transition…in love

and tolerance

and acceptance

and grace

and patience….

Colt looks towards his chair, head tilted, careful not to upset Abbie…just curious about why she’s moved to the chair.

And then he meanders over to her spot, settles there as if to say   ” Oh, okay, this works.”

Dogs and siblings…Siblings and dogs.

Love and transitions

 Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.  I Peter 4:8

Believing the unseen, the untold

Children, family, rest, Trust, Uncategorized, Vulnerability
Pine cones and blue feathers

Pine cones and blue feathers

I’m journaling still, the prayer of Jabez.

Seated next to my little vignette of things I love.

Intricacies of nature…a pine cone from a mountain trip and two bluebird feathers found on a heavy day.

Reflecting on the detail of God’s handiwork.

Of God’s hand.

Quiet mornings are my spiritual discipline.

My soul craves this abiding.

I rest in this refreshing, this refining.

I am on Day 17 of my yearning to pray like Jabez.

I have been blessed by the simplicity of belief.

Jabez, the son whose mother declared he was born in pain, the meaning of his name. Yet,  was found to be more honorable than his brothers. More honorable because he decided and declared to trust God to change the course of his life, asking God to bless him, put good people around him, stay near, and finally to make sure he caused no one pain.

I long to know when  exactlyJabez came to God with his request.

A request of show me your glory, God.

Show them your glory.

I read further, hoping to hear the story of a little boy unwanted by family, yet cherished by God.

I hoped to open my Bible to I Chronicles and discover verses descriptive of a confident, glorious transformation.

Taking my Jabez prayer journey a little deeper, maybe more like my little girl story, who late in life has come to believe she is worthy.

But, just three sentences. A prayer is all.

And I’m left wondering about Jabez, the child who had to believe what he did not see…what he was not told.

That he was called by name, by God and that God was with him. Isaiah 43:1  That nothing about him was unknown to God.

There’s a little girl in me who longs to know the difference a name could make.

A little girl, I remember on her sixth birthday, wearing stiff, white collared dress and patent leather shoes, lace edged socks on gently swinging feet.

Little girl, surrounded in a circle of lounge chair seated cousins, under the lavender dripping wisteria vines.

Bobbed hair, smiling sweetly, shyly.

The little girl whose mama wanted to name her Libby.

But, daddy said ” No, that’s a can of peaches.”

The only birthday I remember

That day, I felt like Libby.

That sweet child was Libby.

Little girl Lisa Anne, a different child.

Staying hidden, quiet and hyper observant,

The one to cause no pain, no problems.

Quiet, non-existent. Wanting to be noticed. But, not be noticed.

A long, long, doubtful journey to now.

Lisa, now prayerfully thanking God for good and seeking good.

No more days of a God and a love I could never measure up to.

A Lisa who walks with an understanding of what wasn’t seen, wasn’t spoken…an understanding of a God with me, strong hand upon me all of my life….guiding me, reminding me, leading me to Lisa here.

Fearing not.

Doubting not.

Shaming myself not.

Because, I have and have had everything I need, fearing no evil, no unknowns…Surely goodness and love will follow me for all the days of my life. Psalm 23

Blessings all along, I’ve finally opened hands to receive.

With me and for me all the while

 

 

 

 

Before I forget what I realized

Children, Faith, Motherhood, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized
My heart

My heart

I realized a parenting truth last week.

Time has not been kind to my writing joy.

I must record this truth. I must remind myself of its clarity.

The only writing this past week has been penciled in thoughts about prayer, faith, rewriting and remembering.

Busy times, baseball season, lingering, annoying cold and cough.

So, my writing has been non-existent.

Last week, I scripted a prayer that came to me with ease.

My prayer, Lord, help me to know what to say and when to say it.

Give Heather and Austin the clarity they need and make yourself known to them daily, because I know you are there…in their hearts.

It occurred to me that being mama at this point is so much more about availability than ability.

So much more about staying back, yet being there when called upon.

More like waiting to be inquired of, being in tune with Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak way of love, of mothering.

Waiting to advise, to direct…so unmotherly.

Just to be there… waiting on sidelines, in background

And ready to answer with love.

Holding closely, loving wholeheartedly, pointing towards Jesus.

So, I must remember this parenting epiphany

I must record this knowledge to carry through the approaching moving away.

Be available as needed.

Only as needed.

They are able.

They have been trained.

Be there…love with availability, as needed, requested.

Train up a child in the way he should go…when they are old, they will not depart from it.  Proverbs 22:6

Half-heartedly saving daylight

Children, Prayer, Trust, Uncategorized

 

A suggested response to Monday after time change

A suggested response to Monday after time change

Where is the daylight?

Abbie and Colt have both nestled back in.

Moved from sleeping place to lounging place.

Both loud sighs intermittent with snores as I journal God’s word.

Day 8 of Jabez. A challenge today.

Not embracing my morning, more like a lazy, slack rebellion of morn.

Requesting of God to be blessed, to be kept safe, be kept from the evil of bad things, choices, even bad thoughts, this is my prayer now.

Lethargic and zombie-like, I ache as I move towards the coffee for cup number 2.

Feeling 54 this morning, sounding 74 as I grunt upon rising.

Back to bed would be reasonable, not an option.

Heather suggested, I agreed. Still, we navigate the morning.

Her gathering to leave, Austin still in bed. Quiet house, dark and tucked in.

She murmurs “Bye” as she leaves in pitch black to teach precious minds, anxious to know things.

Yesterday, I looked towards the sky, wondering what mama would say…longing to know somehow.

Day is opening up now and I am slowly, unraveling blips of my colorful disconnected dreams, 3 scenes.

I woke, half-heartedly, the anesthesia of dreamwork…of hidden away pieces of mental ramblings on life on family.

Dreams of what-ifs and what might not.

Mama was there, in a dream about a big house overlooking fields.

Giving advice, talking up a storm. Being Bette. Colorful, loud, laughing.

Now, I see!

Wholeheartedly, I see.

The thoughts unwound, I can move to morning.

The sky has turned to a light grey-blue and birds have awakened, chirping sharply, rhythmically.

Austin rises. I reach for pen and journal and wait for bright sunlight.

Sunlight, like glory, like beginning again!

His mercies are new every morning. Lamentations 3:23